Your High School English Classes Could Have Been Much Worse!

Believe it or not, there's a way to make students hate Moby Dick more than they already do:

 Turn it into math problems!!!

(Here's the answer for you...)

You're welcome!

Hey, while we're at it...

 ...let's ruin art class, too!

 Wait...you're actively trying to help the whale kill everyone?!?! What the hell!?!?

And look:

More goddamn math!!

Next week--The Scarlet Letter organic chemistry puzzles!!

Insidious torture from Treasure Chest Of Fun And Fact #135-136 (1953)

The Seal Men's War On Santa Claus!!

The War On Christmas has been going on longer than you think!

Yes, the Seal Men of the North Pole have kidnapped Santa Claus--on Christmas Eve!!

Fortunately, The Sandman is on the case (because he needs to help young Jed prove that Santa exists so a reclusive miser will donate a million bucks to charity because...look, it's Kirby, OK?

So why did the Seal Men kidnap Claus? Because the North Pole has the worst customer service EVER!!

Wait...so kids in the Sahara desert were supposed to get mittens, fishing poles, and scuba gear?!?!?! How is that any better?

Anyway...

This was the biggest reason that Santa Claus began to fulfill his Christmas shipping through Amazon...

OK, this one is really complicated. This story was intended for the never-published Sandman #7 (1977). Then it was going to be printed in the never-published Kamandi #61 (1978)...but then came the DC Implosion. It finally saw limited light of day in Cancelled Comics Cavalcade #2 (1978), and finally was widely published in Kamandi Challenge Special #1 (2017). Phew!!!

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--That Time The Hulk Fought Conan!!

Just a typical day when a sorcerer in the Microverse is using spells to try to summon a champion to rescue the land from a despot:

Yes, let us hear the terror of Conan...er, Kronak The Barbarian!

See, nothing like Conan!

See? Nothing at all like Conan!!

Gee, it's almost as if a ruthless barbarian would make a lousy ruler! Who would have thought?

Anyway, Hulk is not at all interested in this side-quest, until the locals pull the foolproof "have a little girl suggest that Hulk isn't strong enough for this task" gambit:

Well played, little girl!!

Hulk goes to the palace, but gets felled by magic. And King Conan Kronak is unimpressed by puny Banner:

Bruce is right, as Conan Kronak finds when he tries to slay Bruce in the arena:

Oh, Sal Buscema, I love you so!

A lot of hi jinks and distractions later, it's time for Hulk to put an end to Conan Kronak:

And thus endeth the reign of Conan Kronak the Barbarian.

From Incredible Hulk #201 (1976)

Manic Monday Bonus--Superman Reviews Civil War II!!

Hey, Kal-El,what did you think of Marvel's latest crossover event?

Good call.

And look, it didn't take 8 issues, innumerable delays, killing off a buncha heroes, and completely ruining the character of the person you're now trying to push as America's Greatest Hero® prior to her movie for you to come to that resolution!

Anything else we should know about, Superman?

You might want to pass that along to Zack Snyder...cough cough...

From Action Comics #972 (2017)

Manic Monday--Crisis Of Infinite Kamandis!!

Thanks to the legendary DC Implosion, we were deprived of this:

And that was no exaggerations about "a thousand Kamandis on a thousand worlds," as an invisible omnipotent voice lectures The Last Boy On Earth about the nature of the pre-Crisis multiverse:

The story would go on to reveal that Kamandi was somehow "the pivotal point of infinities uncountable":

The series would have gone on to show that Kamandi was a multiversal counterpart of Jed, the kid who was always hanging around with Kirby's Sandman. And heaven knows where Jack C. Harris was heading with this "pivotal point of the whole damned multiverse" business.

So, thanks for nothing, DC Implosion.

OK, this one is complicated. This story was planned for the never-published Kamandi #60 (would have been 1978). It was printed in the little-seen Cancelled Comics Cavalcade #2 (1978). As reprinted in Kamandi Challenge Special #1 (2017), where these scans were taken from. Phew!

A Horse Of A Different Color?

A small-time crook known as Horseface has the ability to hypnotize horses to do his bidding, enabling him to fix races.

Horse hypnosis is tough to prove, though, so Plastic Man has to come up with a plan...

Oh, dear.

The racetrack announcer is a little bit unkind...

Uh...cheating much?

Oops!

And thus ended Horseface's reign of winning big money by betting on underdogs!!

From Plastic Man #12 (1948)