New Comic Day, 2099

89 years from now, New Comic Book Day will be a little bit different in Mega-City One:

Uh-oh.

Still, one thing will be exactly the same:

"Kids get so they can't give them up, then the price goes up and up..."

See, Marvel and DC, in the future, that's a crime!! Too bad it's just standard operating procedure in 2010. Maybe if we sent Judge Dredd to visit their offices...

From 2000 A.D. #20 (1977)

It's Inevitable, You Know

Well, since Broody Superman is going to be "walking the country," you just know he's going to encounter this guy walking the opposite direction:



I can hear the brief conversation as they pass:

"Hey, David."

"Hey, Kal."

"Find your cure yet?"

"Nope. Find America yet?"

"Nope...anything interesting up ahead?"

"Nah, just a crooked concert promoter who really shouldn't have made me angry. Anything cool back your way?"

"Just a town full of aliens. I already rousted them."

"OK, then. Good luck getting in touch with the common man."

"Hey, thanks. And good luck avoiding that reporter. I'm married to one, and I've been avoiding her for well over a year now..."

Then Broody Superman can encounter this guy...

...at least at the ends of seasons 4 and 8.


Then Broody Superman can run into Dr. Richard Kimball...

...and architect David Vincent...

...and of course he'll bump into Tod and Buzz on Route 66...

Broody Superman--a Quinn Martin production!! Just don't forget to use that "Lonely Man" theme from the Hulk at the end of every issue...

Manic Monday--What If Galactus Had Been A Little Bit More Hip?

Answer: Then Norrin Radd would have been a whole lot Radder:

Of course, the Silver Sea-Doo lacks a bit of gravitas...but then again, it's not like Silver Surfer is all that dignified, either.

Of course, just as becoming the Surfer was a terrible curse for Norrin Radd, so too this Jet Ski would be a curse for contestants.

First, you had to get the high score on this game:

Which by reputation is one of the toughest, most ridiculously impossible video games ever (warning--NSFW language):



Ah, but even if you somehow managed to get the high score?

You ain't driving it, kid!!

And of course, when you do get to drive it, you just coast around the lake pontificating about how much your life sucks...

Oh, shut the hell up, Norrin!!

Ad from What If? #23 (1991). Panels from Silver Surfer #1 (1968)

Goldn Age Idol--McLovin!!

Look, I'll admit it--not every forgotten Golden Age hero is worthy of a modern revival. Sometimes, they're just, well, really lame.

Case in point?

Who??

Well, let's check out his origin, as young lumberjack Justin Wright is summoned across the country to a lawyer's office:

Apparently, Justin thought he spontaneously generated or something...anyway, let's borrow from Batman's origin, shall we??


Well, it's the orphan vowing revenge on crime for murdered parents, hardly original, even then. Still we really can't hold that too much against them--it is only 1941, after all. But "something will be done" isn't the most stirring motto ever...

So, besides a kajillion dollars and an empty house, the only thing Justin inherited from his parents is...

But it's no ordinary scarf!!


Oh, wait, it is an ordinary scarf. What can you do with that?

Seriously?? That's your whole disguise??

Oh, dear...fortunately, Justin realized that the east coast wasn't ready for a grunge superhero yet, so he did make one alteration:

So, yeah, that's it. Wearing a scarf over his eyes, in a suit (with, apparently, no socks!!), Justin's going to go out and fight crime. (You'll note that the scarf randomly changes between white and red throughout the story...damn 1941 computer coloring!)

And aside from being bitten by a radioactive lumberjack, Justin has no powers...just the ability to hit crooks so hard they see heavenly objects:


Well, that's it...hey, wait a minute--what about his super-hero name? He wouldn't bother with a mask if he were just going to call himself Justin Wright, right? So what does he call himself?

You're kidding me!

No, seriously--that's just the crooks calling him that, right?!?

Oh, sweet Betsy no--he's calling himself Just 'N' Right.

His name is Justin Wright, and he calls himself Just 'N' Right. With a see-through scarf over his eyes as his only disguise.

It's pretty much the super-hero version of McLovin.

No wonder this guy never made any other appearances--it probably took the gangland bosses all of 30 seconds to pierce that intricate web of deception.

No doubt his bullet-riddled corpse was pulled from the river, the police taking one look at the silk scarf and lumberjack clothes underneath his suit, and calling in SVU.

Sorry, Justin Wright--we've got no room for you here in 2010. Still, Just 'N' Right would make a good name for a high-fiber cereal...

McLovin's Just 'N' Right's first (and only) appearance was in Doll Man #1 (1941).

Quote Of The Week--If Only Wertham Knew...

Sterling dialogue from Sterling Gates in this week's Supergirl #53:

"Tomorrow's youth??" "Tomorrow's youth?!?!"

As in, those who aren't youth yet?

What, she's corrupting the unborn?? That's some corruption, all right...Supergirl makes EC Comics look family friendly by comparison.

(And before anybody says, "That's Cat Grant--she's just stupid," I'd point out the broadcaster is quoting her book title, and presumably she would have an editor and publisher to say, "Cat, that makes no sense.")

I begin to believe the Codename: Dumbass debacle wasn't all James Robinson's fault...

Friday Night Fights--Scientist Supreme Style!!

This current bout of Friday Night Fights is Minimum Clonage--we can't re-use any fighters during these twelve rounds. So let's check my list so far:

Spider-Man
Judomaster
Marl Kincaid
T.H.E. Cat
Namor
Mr. Kotter
John Carter Of Mars
Steed and Mrs. Peel

You know who doesn't get enough respect? Ant-Man, that's who. I mean, aside from this:



...even most comic fans are too caught up in Hank Pym's various mental instabilities to really pay attention to how tough Ant-Man was.

Need I remind you that, in Avengers #1 (1963), it was Ant-Man who defeated Loki??

Hmm, I still sense no respect coming from you guys. So we'd best show what happens when you piss Ant-Man off.

Ultron has erased most of Hank Pym's memories (see what I mean about mental instability??), so he doesn't recognize any of the Avengers. And he's feeling a little feisty:

Bam!! Iron Man down!

Bif!! Captain America--out of action!!

Swarm!! Scarlet Witch--helpless!!

Whack!! Overconfident Wonder Man whooped!

And even though the Vision is radder than you think, he's helpless against Ant-man's onslaught!

And Beast and Black Panther? Taken down in one blow!!

Folks, that's the modern Avengers (pre-Bendis), all laid out by Ant-Man in about 10 seconds. Now, granted, they were taken by surprise, and the fact that Hank Pym was their friend (and not yet a wife beater) doubtless had them pulling their punches a bit. Still, you have to admit, that was an ass-kicking even Spacebooger could appreciate.

Jim Shooter, George Perez and Pablo Marcos bring us power in a pint-sized package courtesy of Avengers #161 (1977).

Now vote for this fight, or Dan Slott will be forced to go even more over the top with his redonkulous "Eternity says Hank Pym is the Scientist Supreme" silliness....and nobody wants that (sorry, Dan).

Synchronicity Is Beautiful

Do you know why I freaking love comic books??

Because by some ridiculous coincidence, this week saw new comics that simultaneously featured this:

And this:

Now, some of you may wonder which is cooler: a robotic T-Rex in a tophat & bowtie screaming "I...LIVE...AGAIN," or a big purple toy dinosaur brought to life by Franklin Richards eating Arcade. And the answer? Neither, because both are infinitely cool.

Thank you once again for saving my sanity, comics. And specifically, thank you Landry Walker and Marcio Takara in Incredibles #10, and thank you Jonathan Hickman, Neil Edwards and Andrew Currie in Fantastic Four #580. You guys rock my world. (And anybody who is not reading both of these comics is out of my will...)

This Is What The Past Few Days Have Been Like:

Things will be better starting tomorrow (theoretically...).

From Dollman #1 (1941)

Batman's First Meeting With Judge Dredd

Just discovered--the long-forgotten first ever meeting between Batman and Judge Dredd, from Batman #297 (1978):

Oh, damn, it's just the Mad Hatter, stealing Dredd's catch phrase.

Never mind.

Manic Monday--The Sky Is Falling!! The Sky Is Falling!!

Good heavens, here's some terribly depressing and bleak sales news (click to embiggen):

...

...

Past the point of diminishing returns? Higher and higher priced comics to a smaller and smaller audience?? The people running the companies have no idea what they're doing?? Oh, dear...let's go to the chart:

Man, that is bad...look at those year-to-year drops!! Clearly a death-knell for the industry!!

Oh, wait, I left the years off that chart, didn't I? Let's try that again:

Yeah, the industry will never survive those sales numbers, especially at a 35¢ price point. It's a (very) slow motion death spiral!!

Yes, there are always reasons to be concerned over the health of the industry. But the next time someone panics and proclaims that the sky is falling, take a deep breath and remember we've been hearing that...well, since before Skylab fell.

Unintentional perspective provided by Joe Brancatelli is Vampirella #72 (1978).

Take That, Indiana Jones!!

If you've been reading here this week, you know I've become irrationally enamored with The Marksman.

And you know what's so badass about my new BFF? He was really, really good at killing Nazis. Sure, Indiana Jones gets all the glory--melting faces, earthquakes inside ancient caverns--but those were all acts of God...a deity stepped in and killed most of those Nazis by mystical means.

The Marksman?? He killed Nazis the old-fashioned way...himself!! And pretty nastily, too.

In Smash Comics #44 (1943), the marksman is visiting Colombia, and of course stumbles upon Nazi evil-doings. Unfortunately, the bad guy gets the drop on Baron Povalski...

...and leaves him on the jungle floor with the corpse of a comrade the marksman had already slain. Now, this was pretty mean, because:


Ewww. But rather than be grossed out, or run away screaming, the Marksman uses his knowledge of jungle lore to save himself...


...and then to construct an ingenious death trap for the Nazis!!



The results?

Your move, Doctor Jones, your move....