The Slay Monstrobot 2000th Post Super-Sized Giant Spectacularama (With Bonus 3D Holofoil Cover)!

Well, this is post #2000.

So what? Big deal, right?!?

All I can say, is, you ain't getting rid of me any time soon.

No deep thoughts. Just beware that I'll continue my bizarre fascination with faux comic book rock bands; my obsession with the intricacies of Golden Age science; my drive to revive every 3/4 naked super-hero I can find; my desperate search through quarter bins for this comic; 12-post-long reviews of really bad comics that I find excruciatingly interesting; and I will continue to over-explain at ridiculous lengths that the Vision is, indeed, radder than you think.

And of course, I'll continue my Sisyphean quest to make sure that comics are more like this...

...than this:

So you're stuck with me at least until Matt Wagner finally get around to Mage III, or until the Batman '66 show is released on DVD. Any bets on which comes first?

Peace out.

Say It, Don't Spray It, Flash!!

Ohs, nos, Mirror Master has Flash trapped!!


Our hero is doomed!!

A plan? What is it?

Wait for it...

...wait for it...

...wait for it...

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Still, it worked!

Man, I hope we get some of Barry's super-speed, super-accurate spitting powers in the nu52...

From Flash #130 (1962), as reprinted in DC Special #8 (1970)

THIS REALLY HAPPENED--Kill-Derby!!

As we deal with a wave of violence in sports today, we find that, as per usual, Jack Kirby predicted it all. Or, as we like to say in these parts:

THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!

Yes, Captain America had to participate in...KILL-DERBY!!

Why? Well, it's a long story (MadBomb, anyone?), but the bottom line is:

True, we cannot let the shield participate in something that will make it a symbol of shame...uhh, please nobody tell 1976 Cap about Civil War, OK??

So, to rescue the shield, Cap and Falcon have to join on of the teams in the sport of the future (no, not kickboxing):


Motorized skateboards? OK, but what else does this sport bring us?




So, yeah, lots of rampant devices, and death, and cheating. Still...

...Kill-Derby is still slightly less violent than the NHL...

Friday Night Fights--Greek God's Revenge Style!!

We'll give you the moral of today's Friday Night Fight up front: don't get a Greek God pissed at you.

You see, back in the halcyon days of the Stern/Buscema/Palmer Avengers, Erik Josten (Powerman/Smuggler/Goliath/Atlas) and his fellow Masters of Evil slipped Hercules a rufie and beat him into a coma.

So when Herc got wind of the fact that Josten had been posing as a hero in the Thunderbolts, well, it was time for as little payback:

As Herc fells the rest of Thunderbolts who leap to Atlas' defense...











BAM!!!! Hercules don't do no redemption!!!!

Spacebooger has pecs as good as Hercules, he just doesn't like to show off...

Kurt Busiek, Mark Bagley and Scott Hanna show that it ain't so easy trying to be a good guy in Thunderbolts #22 (1999)

Now is the time for you to go and vote, and specifically vote for me. Why me? Well, as you've just seen, Hercules doesn't accept apologies...so you gonna tell him you're sorry you didn't vote for me? Thought not...

What The Hell Is Marvel's Problem With Hawkeye?

All right, enough is enough.

I've already made this point before, but apparently no one at Marvel is listening. From this week's Captain America Team-Up:

Oh. Dear.

Let's try this one more time.

Hawkeye founded and led the West Coast Avengers.

Hawkeye got many of the Thunderbolts to go straight (and one to turn himself in for his crimes), and led them for quite awhile. This would clearly, I think, count as "an inspiring leader."

And what the heck, let's throw the Great Lake Avengers in there...

So what the hell is the deal, Marvel?

Is this some editorial mandate that everyone has to forget Hawkeye's past? Does someone there believe that, to catch the wave of popularity from the Avengers movie, we've not only got to turn up Hawkeye's asshole setting to 11, but we've also got to pretend 20 years of Hawkeye history never happened??

And hey, if they want to claim that, say, Hawkeye was somehow different when he was magically resurrected post House Of M, that he was a different Hawkeye, or history was altered, or whatever--that would be a pretty stupid retcon. But at least it would be an explanation. Which is better than what Marvel has given us so far--Hawkeye's now a rampaging idiot who's never shown any leadership, for no reason whatsoever.

This is the same company that thought you couldn't write interesting stories about Peter Parker if he was married. So maybe they decided that you couldn't write interesting Hawkeye stories if he were the (somewhat) more mature. proven leader that he is. And rather than endure the bad publicity of another One More Day, they just did it off-screen. (Hey, there's the ticket...Hawkeye sold his past to Mephisto so Mockingbird could come back to life...which would finally make sense of her return in Skrullapalooza, because that made no sense whatsoever within evil divine intervention....)

Whatever the reason, I liked Hawkeye the way he was, Marvel. The way he had shown growth as a character, and wasn't exactly the same as he had always been. And I'm missing that Hawkeye.

So stop it, Marvel. Just stop it.

UPDATE: notintheface comments: "Somewhere in my comics stash I have my copy of the Thunderbolts comic where the Nicieza T-Bolts kicked the Bendis Avengers' butts and Cap SPECIFICALLY blamed the loss on Hawkeye's superb training of the Bolts...."

Here is said panel, from new Thunderbolts #14 (a.k.a. Thunderbolts #95) (2005):


Not so much, anymore, it seems...

Popeye!!!

Look who's back...

POPEYE!!!!!

OK, I've got nothing terribly clever to say here. It's just an all-new Popeye title!! Written by Roger Langridge! Drawn (and lettered) by Bruce Ozella!! True Thimble Theater style!!

Just go buy this book (and see what happens when Wimpy meets a shark!)!

The Calmest Call For An Evacuation Ever

Also, absolutely the dreamiest call for an evacuation ever...

Oh, young Richard Chamberlain, the camera loved you so much...

Some Covers Can't Be Saved By The Caption

Why, yes, I can see that. It does indeed appear most exciting.

Of course, if they had picked a somewhat more exciting cover shot than four dudes walking down a runway, you wouldn't have needed the caption to tell folks it was exciting.

As with most of the Dell/Gold Key TV adaptation comics, they just used whatever publicity stills the studio provided. Still, you'd think that they could have found something--anything!!--more interesting than that shot, especially for the debut issue. Oh, well, I guess every TV comic couldn't have a cover this fantastic.

Still, you have to approve the cover logo Dell came up with:

That's pretty rad...it appears to be maybe somewhat kinda based on the logo the show did use during parts of it's 2 1/2 seasons:

Oh, Quinn Martin, don't ever change...

Rashomon II?

Fanboy Entitlement Rant:

We've been told ad infinitum that Avengers vs. X-Men is "the culmination of a ten year story" and that "it's the biggest, most important tal"e they've ever told, and yada yada yada.

If that were true, you would have thought that they would have been a little more careful in actually presenting that story.

Let's start with the end of AvX #1 three weeks ago (scripted by Bendis, drawn by Romita Jr). Cyclops strikes the first blow...

cCap calls out the famous line...

And everyone just stands around looking pensive...

Fade to black.

Two weeks ago, we get New Avengers #24's version of what comes next, scripted by the very same Bendis, drawn by Mike Deodato. Cap calls assemble, and Red Hulk immediately drill sergeants the Avengers into action:


OK, fair enough. Not far off from what AvX #1 showed us, certainly well within the lines of dramatic license.

And then AvX #2 hit last week, scripted by Jason Aaron and drawn by Romita.

Instead of immediately leaping into action, the Avengers just stand around chatting. Yup, Cap call "Avengers Assemble", and they just sit around talking like a Bendis issue of Avengers...

Meanwhile, in the very next panel...

Yup, in this version, it's the X-Men making the first major move. To heck with Red Hulk leading them into battle, declaring that life on Earth depended on them beating the X-Men now...they just stayed on the Helicarrier, and the X-Men came to them!

And all the aggression continued to come from the mutant camp..

Look, this isn't minor nitpicking. These are two mutually exclusive depictions of the same event (and for all I know, the X-Titles showed a third...)! Either the Avengers leaped of the helicarrier into battle the second that Cyclops attacked Cap, or they stood there patiently (hoping for cooler heads to prevail?) while Colossus came up and smashed their ride and knocked them down to Earth.

Sure, maybe they meant it as a Rashomon experience. Sure.

It should be noted, these stories all had the same assistant editor, the same associate editor, and the same editor. You'd think that, at a minimum, they'd be in charge of making sure the stories synched up at least a little bit.

I can picture a completely fictional version of the editorial meeting with completely fictional editors going something like this:

ASSISTANT EDITOR: Guys, we've got a problem. Theses two issues tell completely conflicting stories!!

ASSOCIATE EDITOR: And that's a problem how?

ASSISTANT EDITOR: Well, we have to go to Bendis and Aaron, have them change some dialogue, get a few pages redrawn...

ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Hahahahaha!

ASSISTANT EDITOR: What's so funny?

EDITOR: Dude, we're only editors. They're ARCHITECTS. They outrank us. We can't ask them to change their work for mere considerations of making sense!!

ASSISTANT EDITOR: But the fans will mock us!

ASSOCIATE EDITOR: 99% of them won't notice. And 100% of them will still fork over their money. So there's no problem!

ASSISTANT EDITOR: But we'll look like idiots when it's collected in trade!?!

EDITOR: They'll be collected in separate trades initially, the main AvX and the New Avengers and Avengers etc., so no one will notice. In hardback first. Then paperback. It will be two years before it's all collected together, and by then no one will care.

ASSISTANT EDITOR: But isn't part of our job to make sure this major event, taking place over multiple books, links up? That the story makes sense, and works?

EDITOR: One more time--you DO NOT edit an ARCHITECT. Now don't wake me for this nonsense again!

Maybe in AvX #3, we can get an AR code of hologram Axel Alonso explaining these two versions can co-exist...

End of rant.