A Song For Superman

Yesterday my internet pal ShadowWing was fretting:

So I have yet to find a Superman song that's about how great Superman is or to be Superman. All I find is negativity. For Superman. FAIL!
— BW Media Spotlight (@SW_Tronix) June 29, 2013

Really? He should have come to see me first before opining. Because back in Action Comics #6 (1938), Lois and Clark are at a night club. And before she can slip him a roofie:

So, ask and ye shall receive: a positive song about Superman, from 75 years ago.

You're welcome.

That's Not How These Things Works

Man, I need a new toy...

A space helmet?? Nifty!!

Well, I intend to!

I should hope so, for $1.98!

OK, now I'm beginning to worry that you're overselling it...

Hmmm...fun for me and me alone? Envied by everyone? All right, bring it on!

Uhhh....that's not how things actually work...unless you're a cat, and think no one can see you "hiding" in that box or paper bag.

I mean...we can still see you, kid. Not your face, sure...but you're not invisible, just annoying.

I want my money back.

From Daredevil #112 (1954)

Friday Night Fights--Crappy Detective Style!!

I know J'onn J'onzz made his bones as a detective...but sometimes he's pretty damned stupid.

Which brings us to tonight's Friday Night Fights.

Back in the pre-Crisis days,  a group of Martian survivors founded New Mars (sometimes called Mars II) in another solar system. J'onn was spending most of his time there, when his Martian buddy Re's Eda is assassinated right in front of him.

Based on the most tenuous (and stupid) of clues, J'onn decides a) the killer must be from Earth, and b) must be one of Earth's super-heroes. Really.

[SPOILER ALERT--it later turned out the Re's faked his own death to distract J'onn from Re's plans for conquest, the "clues" a wild goose chase. So, yeah, some detective there, J'onzz]

So join us as the Martian Manhunter screws it up royally...

So wait. You're willing to believe Supergirl or Hawkman would kill your friend, but you dismiss Superman and Hal Jordan without even investigating? J'onn, what are you smoking?

So what look to the Hols like a social visit...

...turns into a vicious ambush!

POOM!! J'onn may be dumb...but he is strong.

Spacebooger can't help but wonder if Re's Eda is related to Ra's Al Ghul...

J'onzz's fists are faster than his brain in Adventure Comics #451 (1977), by Denny O'Neill, Mike Nasser and Terry Austin.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Well, c'mon now--tell me you didn't enjoy seeing someone knock the snot out of Hawkman. Now go and vote!!

What If Man Of Steel Took Place On Earth-3?

Sorry, cheap shot...but it is the first thing that came into my head when I saw this...

From World's Finest #235 (1976)

Same As The Old Metropolis

An odd meeting is going on at Galaxy Communications...

NEW Metropolis?

Wait--Bruce Wayne is building "New Metropolis"??? In heaven's name, why?

So, wait...Bruce Wayne is building New Metropolis right next to "old" Metropolis, to "empty the ghettos" and "siphon off excess population"?!? Talk about the ultimate gentrification plan!! Old Metropolis keeps all the desirable residents, the dregs go to New Metropolis? (And what, you can't come up with a better name?)

This is just some pie-in-the-sky type deal, though right? It's not actually going to actually happen, is it?

You've already raised a billion? That's in 1976 $, people...

One might think that Bruce's "build a new city to put all the riff raff in" planning might have start with, oh, I don't know, Gotham City.

Then again, after Man Of Steel, they probably need a New Metropolis pretty badly...

From World's Finest #235 (1976). This story involves real estate fraud, telepaths, carny geeks, Superman reading the news on WGBS, and actual ghosts in Smallville cemeteries. Bob Haney, folks.

The Undiscovered Law Of Robotics

Isaac Asimov, of course, invented the famous Laws of Robotics. But there is one he forgot to write down (or perhaps he concealed it, fearing the knowledge might destroy us).

You see, there's Hugo:

Yes, the Fourth Law Of Robotics: Even A Robot Can Cry!

Or perhaps the Fourth Law is "Women Befuddle Robots."

From Out Of This World #12 (1959)

The Most Unfortunate Name In Comics History

If you read enough Golden Age science-0fiction comic books, your brain will start to melt.

Specifically, 99% of them are exactly the same story, with exactly the same character, and it becomes 72 pages of mostly-indistinguishable sameness.

Indeed, the most homogeneous element is the hero of these tales, cookie cutter "explorers" or "space patrol" officers, bland bland bland bland bland.

They even go so far as to essentially have the same name. Borrowing from Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers, they all have the one syllable (exciting) nickname and two syllable last name.

Take, for example, Planet Comics #9 (1940), which features these fine fellows:

FLINT BAKER!

BUZZ CRANDALL!

CRASH PARKER!

Flint! Crash! Buzz!! Oh, if only the stories they appeared in were as exciting as the names.

Oh, wait, I forgot one:

Spurt? SPURT!?! Your hero is named SPURT?!?

Wow.

Considering that the lead story in this issue was "Invasion From Uranus" (no, it wasn't a Spurt story), this issue must have had the youth of 1940 giggling like Beavis and Butthead...

The Secret To Acquiring Super-Strength!

How to build up your muscles, the Action Comics way!!

"Sharply jerk" your wrists, eh? Suppressing childish comments...

Anyway, I'm kind of busy today. Why don't you guys try this and let me know how it works? Thanks.

From Action Comics #6 (1938)

Then There Was The The Time Lois Lane Roofied Clark Kent...

Lois and Clark's first date? Not the kind of happy memory you tell your children...

A scummy con artist is pretending to be Superman's business manager, so Clark Kent sets up an interview with the guy...and with "Superman."

Well, Lois can't allow that to happen without her:

So she turns on the the charm, pretending to actually like Clark:

Uh-huh.

So Clark takes her out to a night club before leaving for the interview...

Holy crap!! Lois Lane just straight up roofied Clark Kent!!

So she takes off to get the interview for herself. Of course, the drug didn't really put Clark to sleep...

"A newspaperwoman"?!? Not the term I would have used, pal!

I'll bet that when they got married, this first date got mentioned a lot whenever they had an argument...

Lois Lane--taking men on fake dates and slipping them GBH for 75 years!!

From Action Comics #6 (1938)