Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Fourth Member--The Sound Of Thundra

You know, the Frightful Four really are a bunch of losers.

Yes, I know that we already knew that. Yes, they were three 10-time losers who, never having beaten an individual member of the Fantastic Four, somehow got it into their heads that they could beat the whole FF if they just teamed up. Yes, they were idiots who somehow never read the newspaper, and never realized that once she recovered from her amnesia, Medusa was a good guy. Yes, these chowderheads thought they could hypnotize Spider-Man into being their fourth member.

Do you see the pattern here? There's a whole world of villains out there who hate the FF, or are just evil in general. Yet rather than go after them, the Wizard keeps going for the unknown character he hasn't done a proper background check on, or a hero. Really, is this the best they can do??

Sadly, yes.

Let's head back to Fantastic Four #129-130 (1072-1973), and see if these guys have learned their lessons yet.

Fortunately for the Frightful ones, the FF are down a few members. The Human Torch has quit:

You might not want to plan your whole weekend around this, Johnny...(Don't worry, readers...back in those days he quit every 6 or 7 months). Meanwhile, Reed and Sue are acting out Roy Thomas' quaint idea of the battle of the sexes:

There are duties?
Many husbands call their wives 'lady'So Benjamin J. Grimm is all by his lonesome when...

Come on, you told us on the cover!!Who? Duh.

I miss his suitAnd the Sandman isn't alone!!

Again, YOU TOLD US ON THE COVER!!!
So it's going to be three-on-one...except the incredible coincidence machine is working full speed:

I could use this kind of luck for my loterry tickets tonight
Later=several issuesYes, Medusa just happens to show up at the exact same moment and exact same place that her evil ex-allies choose to return. (And not to accuse Roy of sloppy storytelling, but we don't get the reason for Medusa's visit for another 2 months yet!!).

Anyway, the Frightful Three are still incredible losers, as Medusa and the Thing mop up the floor with them. Benjy even hurls a big-ass crane at them...but the mysterious new fourth member chooses to reveal herself:

And she's working with them why?
In the alternate future, people wear mismatched bootsNow, this is Thundra's first appearance ever, so at this point readers weren't aware that she was from the alternate future where Earth is known as Femizonia and ruled by the Femizons (no, I'm not making that up). So we didn't know diddly about her, except:

Roy, stop trying so hard to be StanThundra is strong.

Together, she and Sandman manage to take out the Thing:

UnfairWe get absolutely no exposition as to how the Frightful Four found Thundra (or vice versa), or why she thought these losers were worth the time of day (then again, since she thought all men were pathetic, maybe she couldn't tell winners from doofuses). But, frankly, Thundra is spectacularly unqualified to be a member of the Frightful Four. To wit:

And yet you hang out with murderers...
I thought 'Frightful' was just a nickname
See, it's ironic, because woman are weaker here...ha ha haNow, it seems to me, refusal to kill men would be a pretty big disqualifier from joining the Frightful Four, since their raison d'etre is to, you know, kill the Fantastic Four. Thundra joining up with them is like someone getting a job as a bartender and refusing to serve alcohol--why would you apply for the job? Why would they hire you?? Well, the Wizard actually has a master plan:

Geez, that plan is too stupid to describe. Fortunately, Thundra is that stupidAh, the "lie to the person who is stronger than all three of you combined and then betray her and somehow survive her wrath" ploy. That always goes well...

On to the Baxter Building. Proving that might is greater than mind, Sandman takes out Reed (along with gratuitous "limp wrist"):

Oh, Roy...Sue has come back, but apparently, after 129 issues, she still doesn't have the "the point of invisibility is to stay hidden" lesson down yet:

OopsWhich leads to one of the odder back and forths ever.

Civilized? Does he know what that word means??So, the Wizard promises not to hurt Franklin...

Thundra, didn't you read the scouting reports??...until Sue turns out to be too tough...

Wizard--cultivated murderer...so he reneges on the deal...

Wait...what?!?...but then it turns out his reneging was really a trick?? Oh, my head...

So, everybody is captured, right? Game over, right?

Nope...time for blatant cheating, as Franklin whips out a previously unseen power to free Ben.

Framklin = Marvel's Dial H For HeroI guess the Wizard really shouldn't have let him be a non-combatant! That creates enough distraction so everybody else is free. And now it's time to pound the losers. Sue teaches the Sandman that you really do need a brain...

Sandman--stupider than Jupiter...the Trapster is so pathetic Medusa whoops him point blank...

Trapster--dumber than the dumbest thing ever...and Reed takes down the Wizard (I'll show you that later this week!). In the meantime, Reed gets incredibly sexist:

I freed you so I could talk down to you!!As for Ben and Thundra?

Only beats up men who don't care??
That move is illegal here, but legal in FemizoniaOh, Thundra, what is this foolish moral code you have? You can fight "the most powerful men of our world," but not if they're actually fighting for something?? How does that make sense?

Everyone escapes...

Good lord, what wussesAnd once again we must ask the question: Wizard, YOU'VE MASTERED ANTI-GRAVITY!! Why the hell are you still a super-villain? Why not patent that and become a kajillionaire??

And we finish with Reed and Sue debating gender roles, as well as getting proof positive that Roy Thomas didn't have a clue how to write Reed Richards yet:

Yes, Reed would say 'Don't talk it to death, Lady'So that's our Frightful Four: still recruiting unsuitable unknowns, and failing miserably at every turn. Stay tuned...they'll be back sooner than you think!!

BONUS: A Jim Steranko Fantastic Four cover!!!

Classic

5 comments:

  1. Does anyone besides me hate Franklin and Valeria Richards? I always thought it would be cooler if Reed and Sue were to adopt some weird alien kid.

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  2. Sue shoulda dumped Reed a long time ago and hooked up with Namor. ;-)

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  3. Sea-Of-Green you have to remember that Reed can..."do things" with his powers.

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  4. Anthony -

    don't see why the existence of Franklin and Valeria should stop Reed and Sue from adopting a weird alien kid. (In the MC-2 universe they at least have a half-Skrull nephew).

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  5. Reed should have dumped Sue Storm years ago and got together with Madam Medusa.

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