All right, it's time to kick off a new bout of Friday Night Fights, and we're going to do it with a doozy.
Even though there's no way in hell that it could actually happen that way.
Firelord, former herald of Galactus, possessor of the Power Cosmic, able to fly into the heart of a blazing sun, is going to take on...Spider-Man.
You see, Firelord has come to Earth because he had a craving for pizza (seriously). Unfortunately, a bunch of idiot New Yorkers decide that he's a mutant, and they attack him. Firelord is about to kills the dummies, when Spider-Man intervenes.
Not a good move, because now Firelord has decided he must avenge the dishonor of such a lesser being touching him. So he's chasing Spidey all over New York City, destroying as he goes.
Now, look--it's Spider-Man. Versus Firelord. Proportional strength of a spider versus power to move meteor swarms. Spider-speed and reflexes versus a ability to move faster than light. No contest, right?
Well, Peter Parker sure gives it a game try. He tricks Firelord into running into a subway train head-on:
Miraculously, no innocent passenger is hurt in this lame-brained stunt.
Next? Webhead tricks Firelord into a building about to be demolished:
That doesn't work. Duh. So he tries throwing chunks of building at the dude:
Fail again. So, let's up the stakes: Spider-man tricks Firelord into blowing up a gas station:
Unbelievably, this gas station was in the middle of "over a square block of abandoned housing"--because that's where gas stations are always operating--so again, miraculously, no civilian even had their hair singed by an explosion that Spidey was sure could stop a former herald of Galactus. Yeah, right.
Well, now Spidey is out of tricks, and trapped in a wide open area. What's he gonna do?
You don't mean?
Yes--Spider-Man is going to try and defeat a being with power equivalent to the Silver Surfer--by punching him.
And guess what--it works!?!?!?
Wow, that's mighty...unlikely. Really?? I mean, seriously?? Peter Parker took down Firelord?!?
I know, I know, he's "wearing" the symbiote, so he's stronger than normal, and maybe symbiotes are like kryptonite to cosmic-powered Xandarians, and maybe he was secretly possessed by Captain Universe, and...
Nope, I'm sorry, I just can't believe it. And neither can Spacebooger. You might as well suggest that Stilt-Man had a chance against Thor...
Even Tom DeFalco, Ron Frenz, and Bob McLeod had to know it's kinda bull@#$% to think that Spider-Man could beat Firelord in Amazing Spider-Man #270 (1985).
Hey, here's a special bonus for you kiddies: Roger Stern, John Buscema and Tom Palmer's version of the exact same fight from Avengers #258 (1985) (which somehow appeared 3 whole months before the version in Amazing Spider-Man...great scheduling, Marvel!!).
Now, Spacebooger wants you to vote: so vote, dammit.
Even though there's no way in hell that it could actually happen that way.
Firelord, former herald of Galactus, possessor of the Power Cosmic, able to fly into the heart of a blazing sun, is going to take on...Spider-Man.
You see, Firelord has come to Earth because he had a craving for pizza (seriously). Unfortunately, a bunch of idiot New Yorkers decide that he's a mutant, and they attack him. Firelord is about to kills the dummies, when Spider-Man intervenes.
Not a good move, because now Firelord has decided he must avenge the dishonor of such a lesser being touching him. So he's chasing Spidey all over New York City, destroying as he goes.
Now, look--it's Spider-Man. Versus Firelord. Proportional strength of a spider versus power to move meteor swarms. Spider-speed and reflexes versus a ability to move faster than light. No contest, right?
Well, Peter Parker sure gives it a game try. He tricks Firelord into running into a subway train head-on:
Miraculously, no innocent passenger is hurt in this lame-brained stunt.Next? Webhead tricks Firelord into a building about to be demolished:
That doesn't work. Duh. So he tries throwing chunks of building at the dude:
Fail again. So, let's up the stakes: Spider-man tricks Firelord into blowing up a gas station:
Unbelievably, this gas station was in the middle of "over a square block of abandoned housing"--because that's where gas stations are always operating--so again, miraculously, no civilian even had their hair singed by an explosion that Spidey was sure could stop a former herald of Galactus. Yeah, right.Well, now Spidey is out of tricks, and trapped in a wide open area. What's he gonna do?
You don't mean?
Yes--Spider-Man is going to try and defeat a being with power equivalent to the Silver Surfer--by punching him.
And guess what--it works!?!?!?
Wow, that's mighty...unlikely. Really?? I mean, seriously?? Peter Parker took down Firelord?!?I know, I know, he's "wearing" the symbiote, so he's stronger than normal, and maybe symbiotes are like kryptonite to cosmic-powered Xandarians, and maybe he was secretly possessed by Captain Universe, and...
Nope, I'm sorry, I just can't believe it. And neither can Spacebooger. You might as well suggest that Stilt-Man had a chance against Thor...
Even Tom DeFalco, Ron Frenz, and Bob McLeod had to know it's kinda bull@#$% to think that Spider-Man could beat Firelord in Amazing Spider-Man #270 (1985).
Hey, here's a special bonus for you kiddies: Roger Stern, John Buscema and Tom Palmer's version of the exact same fight from Avengers #258 (1985) (which somehow appeared 3 whole months before the version in Amazing Spider-Man...great scheduling, Marvel!!).
Now, Spacebooger wants you to vote: so vote, dammit.
i LOVED this comic as a kid. still have it. had a real "never give up" kind of positive message to it, and the overcoming the odds angle was kind of sweet.
ReplyDeletefrom what i remember, in the comic the shtick was that spidey's edge was his spider-sense and firelord was nowhere near full strength after a long trip thru space and a big fight or something.
dammit i'm gonna go dig this up for a reread.
"I know, I know, he's "wearing" the symbiote, so he's stronger than normal, and maybe symbiotes are like kryptonite to cosmic-powered Xandarians"
ReplyDeleteBy the time this story was written, the black costume that Spider-Man wore was a cloth replica made by the Black Cat. As such, he was no stronger than when wearing his usual costume, it just gave him an alternate look.
Touche, Harry. I blew my research there...
ReplyDeleteHey, nevermind all that, but when did the symbiote's weakness to fire (and sound) become known? Because if even if he *was* wearing the symbiote costume, then it would/should have been useless against the fire of Firelord, no?
ReplyDelete