Friday, September 7, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. IN. THE. BRIEFCASE?!?!?!?!?

Every Kid Eternity story of the Golden Age--every single one--starts with a symbolic splash page.

I usually don't show them, because they don't add anything to the story, or our discussion of Kid and his powers and adventures.

And yet, this time, I will.

Why?

Because...

...because--SPOILER ALERT--this story most emphatically will not reveal the secret they were protecting. In fact, the heroes of this tale couldn't reveal the secret, because they never even learn what the secret was!!

We start with the Kid explaining to Mr. Keeper why he always likes to hang around Earth:

Damn right. Indeed, every single story, Kid should be making sarcastic, passive-aggressive to remarks to Keeper about how the guardian's incompetence ended Kid's life 75 years early!! "Gee, Keeper, I would do X...if you hadn't ended my life 3/4 of a century too early!!"

Thankfully, Kid is a much kinder soul than I.

Anyway, our guys head down to Earth, only to find...

So, bad guys who do know what's in the suitcase are trying to steal it from the owner, who doesn't even know what it contains? Man, Earth is weird.

D'oh! Guess it's time for help!

Mike Fink!!

He has no problem beating the crap outta gangsters...

But our victim is still unconscious...


Admirable, Kid. But we'll be checking back in on this moral code of yours.

It turns out he's alive, and they find some papers in his pocket...

Fernleaf? Who the hell is named Fernleaf?!?

So what's in the suitcase? Marcellus' soul? Gwyneth Paltrow's head? The formula for Coke?

Meanwhile, the boss--Knobs--is none to happy about his guys getting creamed by a historical character...

Well, Kid has a solution:

Orpheus!!


Good gravy, Kid Eternity stories are so brilliantly weird. 

Once Orpheus is gone and his spell worn off, the bad guys turn to...swords?!?!?

Look, there's a very specific reason they can't use guns, and that's because it would make the next summoning useless. So just roll with "they decided to use knives in the middle of nowhere because they're quieter."

Meanwhile, Orpheus' song healed Barry Shaw. But he was unconscious for the whole "Kid Eternity just rescued your ass twice," so he doesn't trust the Kid...


Arrrghhh!! What's in the suitcase? The Maltese Falcon? The Rabbit's Foot? Rosebud?!?!?!


Julie d'Aubigny, a.k.a. Mademoiselle Maupin!! The flamboyant opera swinger who frequently dressed as a man and bested the best swordsmen in seventeenth century France with her fencing skills?!? (It is possible that Kid was summing the fictional title character from Theophile Gautier's novel Mademoiselle du Maupin, who was based upon the real d'Aubigny. But it's more fun to assume this actually is the real one. Seriously, click that link above--amazing stuff!)

So anyway...Kid thinks it's wrong to open an unconscious man's suitcase to see what's inside. But it is definitely OK to summon a beautiful woman to seduce the guy into opening the suitcase...?



But the bad guys choose that moment to reappear!


Dammit, what's in the suitcase?!?! Red matter? The letters of transit?!?! The Genesis device?!?!?!

Oh, don't worry about Barry. d'Aubigny was famous for outdueling men...


Now you know why they bad guys had to use swords instead of guns...

Well, Knobs knows when he's beaten. But he knows what is in the case (how?!?!), and if he can't steal it--he'll buy it!!



Good heavens!! 100K was quite the princely sum in 1948!!


NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! What the hell was in the suitcase!!! What the hell new invention was worth $100,000?!?! The flux capacitor? The oscillation overthruster? The first iPhone?!?!!?!?!?!

Frustratingly unrevealed MacGuffin aside, this was a fun story, with three interesting first time summonings. It was also the 55th Kid Eternity story, and our up-to-the minute standings:

Mercury 5
Achilles 4
Atlas 3
Bunyan, Paul 3
Corbett, Jim 3
Holmes, Sherlock 3
Houdini, Harry 3
Leander 3
Robin Hood 3
Washington, George 3
Antony, Marc 2
Arthur, King 2
Bucephalus 2
Byron, George Gordon 2
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Columbus, Christopher 2
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 2
Ericson, Leif 2
Geronimo 2
Hercules 2
Jove 2
Khan, Genghis 2
Lister, Joseph 2
Milo Of Croton 2
Nostradamus 2
Porthos 2
Rin-Tin-Tin 2
Samson 2
Silver, Long John 2
Sullivan, John L. 2
Thor 2
Webster, Daniel 2
Abu 1
Adam 1
Apollo 1
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bowie, Jim 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Brady, Diamond Jim 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Calhoun, John C. 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Christian, Fletcher 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Colt, Samuel 1
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
d'Aubigny. Julie 1
Davis, Richard Harding 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Fink, Mike 1
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Franklin, Ben 1
Galahad 1
Goliath 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Gulliver, Lemuel 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hermann, Alexander 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Hodges, Joe 1
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houston, Sam 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Lee, Robert E. 1
Legree, Simon 1
Leonidas 1
Light Brigade 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Montezuma 1
Morgan, Henry 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Neanderthal 1
Neptune 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobel, Alfred 1
Nobody 1
O'Brien, David 1
Oakley, Annie 1
Og 1
Orpheus 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pasteur, Louis 1
Penelope 1
Perseus 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Post, Wiley 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Roc 1
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Sandow, Eugen 1
Sayers, Tom 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Serra, Junipero 1
Siegfried 1
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Steinmetz, Charles 1
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thumb, Tom 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tuck, Friar 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Villon, Francois 1
Vulcan 1
Watson, John H 1
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--Kid prevents the Marie Celeste!!

From Kid Eternity #9 (1948)

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