Thursday, January 5, 2017

When You Combine Civil War 2 & Planet Of The Apes, We All Win!!

This post that you're about to read...well, it just may change you're mind about Superman, and re-think everything you know about movie blockbusters, and...well, you'll see.

Some members of the Time Patrol have arrived in the present day, asserting that Superman will become evil in the near future, and go on to destroy the 40th century!

So they go all Minority Report/Civil War II, and convince Batman and Robin to capture Superman, and put him on trial for pre-crimes before the United Nations!!

And what a testimony it is!!


Uh-oh!

Yup, that's evil, all right!

But the worst is yet to come!




Wait--what was it? What happened?!?!

And Batman, how could you betray your buddy?!?!



YYECCHHH!!!

And what was so terrible?!?!


Yes, future evil-Superman will create the Planet Of The Apes!!!!!!!

That may be the best sentence that I have ever written.


Well, the court allows Superman to fly to the future to check it out for himself:


Which means, conclusively and 100% canonically:

Superman: "I will turn the Earth into a world of apes!"

OMG, this is the best story ever!!

Well, that's it, folks, we now know the sad future of Superman, and...

What? This is a Silver Age story? There's a big twist coming? Oh I doubt--

Never mind.

See, it was all a plot by Brainiac and Luthor to trick Batman into giving Superman a kryptonite lobotomy, except they would secretly substitute Luthor's Maligno-Ray for the laser, so Kal-El would really turn evil and join the two for a reign of terror through time and space.

Yes, that was their plan.

[Please, please PLEASE don't ask how Superman and Batman sussed out the villains' disguise. Please. Just don't.]

But, if it was all a hoax, what did Superman and Batman actually see on their trip to the 40th century?!?


Wait....

You're burying the lead here, guys--in the 2000 years from now, they'll still be churning out Planet Of The Apes movies!! I imagine two blocks over, they're making Transformers CCCIX!

Which leads us to the the most fantastical thing of all:

People in the DC Universe actually liking and respecting super-heroes?!?!?!? What a bunch of naive fools...

From World's Finest Comics #183 (1969)
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4 comments:

  1. Oz GibbsJanuary 5, 2017 at 9:07 AM

    So, after mass murder, destruction of cultural treasures and elimination of knowledge, the very worst thing Superman could do would be to cosmetically alter people so they look like apes? Leaving them intelligent and apparently healthy? Want to explain to the folks in Gorilla City just what's so horrible there?

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  2. BillJanuary 5, 2017 at 9:50 AM

    I like that there are Superman and Batman Underoos flying at the UN Plaza

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  3. Green LuthorJanuary 5, 2017 at 5:20 PM

    "Now that you're evil, we can be pals!"

    Really, that's pretty much one of the greatest things in comics ever right there.

    (I actually already know how Superman and Batman figured out it was Luthor and Brainiac. You're right to tell us not to ask.) :)

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  4. George ChambersJanuary 5, 2017 at 5:51 PM

    Urgh, this kind of story makes my head hurt. Silver Age Luthor HATED Superman and wanted him dead. He would never, under any circumstances, want to be "pals" with Supes. So let me guess - Bob Haney wrote this, right?

    Cinepolis = Hollywood. That was cute.

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