Accept The Word Of One Who Knows!

All I'm sayin'...

...is let's not forget the originals. Someone's gotta save the earth from the Badoon!!

The True History Of The Future, According To The Guardians Of The Galaxy!

Before we all go gushy over these new-fangled imposter Guardians Of The Galaxy, perhaps we should recall the history of Earth's future, as relayed to us by Vance Astrovik--who's from the future, so he would know!!

It's true!!! I remember the Skin Cancer Epidemic Of 1982!! And it was still worth it to keep my aerosol deodorant!!

Hey, I was proud of my mechanical limbs!!

I remember tearing up at The First Manned Interstellar Space Launch Of 1988...one giant leap for mankind!

Oh, geez, don't get me started on The Bionics Wars Of The 1990s!! It made my commute hell for weeks!!

NOOOOOO, not dear, sweet, innocent Canada!!!

Ah, the Formation Of The Confederation Of Nations Of 1995--most of you were too distracted by the O.J. Simpson trial to pay attention, but I remember it vividly!

Yeah, 2001 kinda sucked. The Martian Invasion put a damper the celebration of our futuristic architecture!!

So remember--if this so-called GOTG movie doesn't tell you about those things, than they're cheap imitations!!

100% true future history from Defenders #26 (1975)

Vance Astro Is A Man Of Many (Many) Words

Since the Guardians Of The Galaxy movie debuts for many of us today, let's check in with one of the original, true Guardians, Major Vance Astrovik!!

Dude--I don't know if Steve Gerber could have crammed any more words into that space...but pity poor letterer Annette Kawecki!

From Marvel Two-In-One #5 (1974)...granted, it can be tough to find enough room for all the exposition you need when you in the 2nd part of a two-parter with Captain America and the Thing traveling to the year 3014 (!) to join up with the Guardians Of The Galaxy...but come on, Roy Thomas, you're listed as editor--edit this thing a bit!

So Not Everybody Liked Neal Adams

This was to cover to X-Men #62 (1969):

This was a letter in X-Men # 66 (1970), from Kurt Erichsen of Loos Bay, Oregon. Kurt was not pleased with the cover in particular, and Neal Adams in general:

Ouch.

For the record, the cover and interior were both inked by Tom Palmer.

As for whether or not Neal Adams had "been receiving credit for Mr. Palmer's work," we'll have to let history decide.

FWIW, #66 was the last new issue of the original incarnation of the X-Men, cancelled for low sales. Adams was, of course, also the artist on Green Lantern when it was cancelled...for low sales. Whatever your opinion of Adams' work, it's pretty clear that the popularity of his artwork didn't translate into increased sales...

The Truth About Disco--Gotham-Style!!

You kids today and your Blu-Rays of American Hustle and you're ironically-downloaded remixes of Bee Gees songs and your drugged out "raves," you think you know what disco was all about.

Well, flibbety floo!! You've got no idea of the grandeur that was the Disco Era. Hang tight, because you're about to get the unvarnished truth about disco--Gotham-Style!!

Bruce Wayne has flown Barry and Iris out to Gotham City for a luxury weekend--and midewestern gal Iris is damned impressed by the big city:

Oh, Bruce, what a dick.

Still, it's a good thing that you're wearing that leisure suit...

OK, are you ready (no, you're not) to see what disco was really like? Brace yourselves!

Seriously, this is a 100% true depiction of what the disco era was like. Yowsah!

And then the panel of the decade:

John Travolta had nothing on Bruce Wayne.

But wait, we've barely begun to scratch the surface of the disco phenomenon. Because I'm dead certain that you never knew that disco included this:

Disco Pirates!!!

Disco Jaguars!!

Disco Jokers!!! (Yes, that is just some dude dressed like the Joker, not the real villain)

And don't forget...

The Phantom Of The Stardust!!

Wait, who's again?

Yowsah, indeed!!

Except, of course, this is Gotham City, so it turns out that the Phantom is really the ghost of a guy whose girlfriend died on that location in one of those 1930s dance marathons. So know he comes back and dances young ladies to death, stealing their life force.

No, really:

Ah, disco, how we miss you...

From Brave And The Bold #151 (1979)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Pluto AM Not A Stupid Planet!

The benevolent King Of Saturn has disappeared!

Fortunately, Rocketman is on the job!

See, it is so a planet!! Still, the "inhabited by a race of idiots" is kinda harsh, science dude.

Ahh, but we have the glimmerings of a plot here...

Rocketman flies to Pluto...

...but only a fool brings a brain to an idiot fight!

King Morono?!?

OK, well named.

Hey, they stole the plot of The Krotons!! (Yes, I know this came first, but time travel and stuff)

Fortunately, Rocketman has seen through the Plutonians Achilles heel hat:

Time to beat up idiots!

Or maybe not...

What--no use beating up unintelligent babies? What kind of Earth man are you, Rocketman?!?

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

Manic Monday Bonus--The Key To Democracy Is Giant Dinosaur Turtles--No, Really!!

Venus had to be evacuated because of science fiction stuff!!

But the evil leader of Mars has kidnapped all of the refugees--to use as slave labor!

But Org (with the help of Earth hero Rocketman) has a plan that is sure to succeed!

HOLY CRAP!!!

Fortunately, it's pretty easy to transport a trogslosauri between planets:

Whoa! Talk about invasive species!

And so, in the future, peace comes not through the barrel of a gun, but through the gaping maw of gigantic prehistoric turtle things!

Sadly, there are many places on Earth where we need to send the trogslosauri next...

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

Manic Monday--The More Things Change...

It is quite reassuring to know that, in the future, all of our petty political and social problems will be solved.

Take, for example, the Venus crisis:

Well, that doesn't sound too good...

Well, surely there will be no problems finding new homes for the desperate refugees in a more enlightened era, right?

Sigh...plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

What Happens When Your Space Zagat Guide Is Terribly, Terribly Wrong!

This is the kind of thing that happens when NASA outsources its help line:

Even with (unknown to NASA) deadly life forms, the planet Ishtar is still better than the movie Ishtar...

Special note: Space Action featured:

You know, as opposed to the usual interplanetary adventures.

Space Action #3 is from 1952

The One Way In Which Green Arrow Is Better Than Batman

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you think about it for 30 seconds, the Bat-Signal is pretty inefficient, not to mention stupid.

Scene:
BATMAN: Why did you use the Bat-Signal, Commissioner?
GORDON: Two-Face is loose and just robbed two banks on the upper east side!
BATMAN: But I was just patrolling the upper east side!! I only left to come see what you wanted with the Bat-Signal! Now I have to schlep all the way back there?
GORDON: Well, I would have called or texted, but somebody won't give me his damn phone number. Paranoid much?
BATMAN: Shut up.

Anyway, I trust you can see what I'm getting at here. The Bat-Signal says "Batman, you're needed," but doesn't say where or how. So the Caped Crusader has to go to police HQ, and only then to the scene of whatever crime. Terribly inefficient.

Green Arrow, though? He has that problem licked:

See how easy it is? Just by adding a little information to the Arrow Signal, you've cut out the middle-man, as it were. Ollie & Roy don't have to waste time going to the Commissioner first--they can just go to the (general) location where they're actually needed!

That is the one and only way that Green Arrow ever has been, or ever will be, better than Batman.

Well, OK, two ways: at least Green Arrow is actually in the TV show about Green Arrow (cough cough Gotham cough cough).

From Adventure Comics #174 (1952), as reprinted in Brave And The Bold #117 (1975)