This Is My Happening, And It Freaks Me Out!!

Ladies and gentleman, I'll bet you didn't know that Austin Powers appeared in the Marvel Universe BEFORE the Fantastic Four!!

Check it out:

All, oh right. That wasn't Austin Powers saying that. It was a dumbass, unnamed archeologist who caused THIS to happen:

Yeah, that's the Sphinx. Except, of course, it's not. And when Illinois Smith finds a mysterious lever just sitting around in some ruins, he doesn't study it, he doesn't call Archeology Today to reports it; nope, he just pulls it.

Result:

Of course, the Sphinx is something altogether cooler than a big ol' stone statue:


SHAGG!!!

And boy, does Shagg kick ass!!

Who's the alien stone monument who's a sex machine with all the chicks?
SHAGG!!!
Ya damn right!

Oh, and goodbye, Paris:

They say that Shagg is one bad mother---
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!
I'm talkin' 'bout Shagg!!
Than we can dig it!!

Ah, but sadly, Shagg is no Shaft...

So, not the most well thought out plan, eh?

Now, there is no writing credit available for this story, but the next panel has me thinking that Stan was trying out some ideas for the forthcoming Marvel superhero boom.

But, of course, in this case, he tries out ALL the ideas AT ONCE:

"Cosmo-Gamma-Electro-Magnetic waves"?!?!? Holy crap!!!!

And then...

Hey...don't judge--after unleashing a giant Shagg, I always fall asleep, too!!

This story is from Journey Into Mystery #59 (1960), as reprinted in Tomb Of Darkness (1976). Here's the original cover:

You can't resist SHAGG!! All are helpless before SHAGG!!!!

Man, I'm so 10 years old sometimes.

Well, since this post is already sort of outta control, and we were talking about Shaft, here's a little something to get your morning started right...play it loud!! (warning...may be TDFFW (Too Damned Funky For Work)!):

Who Needs Aquaman?

So I'm looking at one of those ads in a mid-70s comics...one of those hawking super-hero themed geegaws and ephemera, like Colorform sets and plastic banks. You know, the type of ad that was so cheap they just hand-drawn depictions of all of the goods, as opposed actual photographs.

And they had jigsaw puzzles. And the sample they choose to show us?

Superman punching a shark. SUPERMAN PUNCHING A SHARK!!!

I'd buy that for $1.49 + 39¢ postage & handling!!

A brief internet search failed to turn up a picture of the completed puzzle, but here's a shot of the can it came in, with the actual puzzle art, including additional details, such as a drowning Lois...and MORE SHARKS!!

Oh, there were more puzzles in that ad:

Batman and Superman fight a prehistoric monster?!? Fortunately, that one I could find a full picture of:

Again, not too shabby for under 2 bucks.

Ad appeared in The Witching Hour #64 (1976)

Manic Monday--The Only Item You Need On Your Résumé

We continue looking at great character moments from Secret Avengers #23.

Captain America is showing an old war buddy around, and introduces him to Flash Thompson, the all-new, all-different Venom. And as, old soldiers are wont to do, they have to compare penis sizes a little bit.

But, as Flash find out, you don't do that with Cap's pals, 'cause you can't win:



HELLS YEAH!!

Jim Hammond 1, Flash Thompson zero!!!

Because really, this is the only item you need on your résumé:

Thank you, Rick Remender, for remembering What If #4 (1977)!

Manic Monday--Hank McCoy Is On Pym Patrol!

The other day, I criticized Rick Remender's portrayal of Hawkeye in Secret Avengers #23.

In fairness, though, in that same issue he does give us a couple of the best Avengers bits in years.

Specifically, when Henry Pym is fretting about the lack of proper computer systems on the Secret Avengers new super-secret super-small satellite base:



"At no point, while I draw breath, will you ever create another artificial intelligence."

Hot damn, it's about time someone called out Pym like that!! It's nice to know that some people in the Marvel Universe share my opinion of the "Scientist Supreme" (sorry, Dan Slott, I love ya, but that was just dorky...)

And thanks, Beast, for watching out for us all....make sure you keep that Pym on double secret probation!!

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Dem Bones

This cover made me laugh...

And sometimes that's enough for a Sunday post!

Secrets Of Haunted House #42 (1981)...and by the way, there's no "the" there---it's Secrets Of Haunted House, not Secrets Of THE Haunted House, in case you try to look it up. You learn something new every day...

Caption Of The Week

From Fantastic Four #603.

A Special PSA

Parents of super-powered children:

DON'T send your kid to learn to use his super-powers. Keep him in a normal school. It was good enough for Peter Parker, it's good enough for you!!

[Editor's note: hey, Jocasta, did you ever hear of small sample size?]

From Avengers Academy #26

Friday Night Fights--"I'm Done For, Son" Style!!

For the final, prize-awarding round of this bout in Friday Night Fights, Spacebooger has commanded that we present a fight with "a lot of collateral damage."

So, this is his fault. Because there's collateral damage, and there's collateral damage.

It's another Spider-Man/Doctor Octopus tussle...but this time, Peter has come up with a novel way to stop Octavious. But first, he has find Otto...or be found by him:




Time for the secret weapon...







Well, that's it!! Spidey's plan has worked to perfection, and all is right with the world...


Uh-oh...







If you look up collateral damage in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure that "accidentally killing your girlfriend's father" is definition number one.

Spacebooger just hopes that Denis Leary is wearing a helmet...

When you're Peter Parker, even you're plans work it backfires, as demonstrated by Stan Lee, Gil Kane (pencils) and John Romita (inks) in Amazing Spider-Man #90 (1970).

Now is the time to go vote for my fight. Why should you vote for me? Look, Captain Stacy is one of the few comic book deaths that have never been undone...and if you don't vote for this fight, Marvel will think that you don't care if they bring him back as a clone/zombie/hidden by Norman Osborn travesty. So vote for me, dammit!!

Maybe He Should Have Checked Wikipedia First...

Hawkeye's got a problem in Secret Avengers #23.

You see, Captain America is trying to put Flash Thompson, the all-new, all-different Venom on the team. And Clint isn't very happy about it:

True, Hawkeye...Captain America would know absolutely nothing about being "saddled" with former villains on his team...they could never be "assets"...

And you, Hawkeye? You would never, ever, ever want to lead a team that had reformed notorious super villains. That's obvious...

Hmmm...maybe when he's done writing issue-length Hawkeye hissy fits, Rick Remender could read up on a little history of the guy leading the team. (In fairness, I was much happier with Remender's handling of certain other characters...more on that later in the week)

You'd think that with Hawkeye coming up in the Avengers movie, Marvel would want to make him look, you know, heroic and all. But between this and last week's Avenging Spider-Man, there seems instead to be a concerted effort to make Clint Barton into an unlikable, reckless, arrogant, incompetent ass who's neither very good at heroing or at leading teams.

If so, mission accomplished, Marvel.