Take, for example, when Inspector Farnsworth of Scotland Yard, and his major domo Chipp Cromwell) are called out to investigate...a murder most foul!!
See, they say "chap" and "bloke"--clearly they are very, very English!Anyway, it seems the victim was killed when he surprised a burglar in the night. And his distraught wife describes just how very special, how sensitive her brilliant artist husband was:
OK, that's...odd.
Now we've gone from "being sensitive" to "being a complete douche." (But bonus for her being a "charwoman"--very, very English!)
Are you sure you're upset that he's dead, lady? Because he sounds like he was real unpleasant to live with...But Farnsworth promises the wife he'll solve the crime!
The problem with getting all the specialists involved, however, is:
"Blokes." Hee, hee.And how dare they give me papers, and reports. Duece it all, nobody told me this job involved reading!
The wife comes by for an update on his progress:
"Old brain-wheels"?? Must be another Britishism...but those wheels are a-turnin', and Farnsworth figures out the case. He has Mrs. Evans trailed to a mysterious apartment, where:
What?!?
Yes!! It turns out Evans, sensitive man that he was, had used up all his family money. So they befriended a "derelict" who fit Evans' general description, dressed him up in Evans' clothes, and killed him so they could collect the life insurance! (Don't ask how they faked the the Van Dyke...I'm guessing most 1950s British derelicts wore one, anyway...)Still, Evans has the drop on Farnsworth and Cromwell--how ever shall they bring in their man?
Gee, what a puss. No wonder he fired the charwoman with the awful voice...So, case closed!! But Farnsworth--however did you solve it??
A case solved by fish and chips!! You can't get more British than that!!You might be surprised, because of the overwhelmingly convincing Britishness of this story, but this was actually an American comic book!! Yup, it was Charlton's Scotland Yard #4 (1956). Oi!
I say, old thing, less of the mickey-taking of us British blokes, what? You ex-colonialists may have to rely on your CSI and NCIS malarkey but over here we simply have to find out what the old codger had last for tea, eh? Dashed sight easier to solve crime, I can tell you.
ReplyDeleteRight, I'm off for bangers and mash.
Crikey!
ReplyDelete"I am not going to have you perform some half-a$@#d autopsy on some guy with a Van Dyke just to watch those little fish and chips spill out all over the dock!"
ReplyDelete