Uh-oh...it's time for another half-a-fortnight trip in the Wayback Machine, as Slay Monstrobot takes a fond look back at the comics of 20 years ago, specifically April 1989. And, as poor Captain America was left until last the previous two times I've done this, I think it's time Steve Rogers was given proper billing:
No, it's not a hoax, not a dream, not an imaginary story. Well, it is a hoax, actually. And who's responsible for this detente-busting opus?
Ah, with Mark Gruenwald at the helm, we can certainly expect some oddball, long forgotten Marvel characters to be crawling out of the woodwork, can't we? And we get that almost right away:
Wow, what the hell? Cap thought it was a good idea to "invite everyone who had inquired about Avengers membership over the last six months?" You mean, if I had sent Cap a letter, I would have been invited to Avengers Island? Perhaps...at this moment the Avengers featured their WORST LINEUP EVER, as we'll see in some more detail in a few days.
And let's face it--this crew of losers Cap has summoned make me look like a credible Avenger! Who we got?
SPEEDBALL--we all know sweet, innocent Robbie Baldwin, before Stamford, before the Civil War, before becoming a self-mutilating pain junkie. Sigh...
GLADIATRIX--A female wrestler, Robin Braxton got super-strength from the Power Broker, and had appeared only once previously, in The Thing #33 (1986).
BLUE SHIELD--Joe Cartelli was an ex-cop whose father was killed by the mob. He came into possession of a "micro-circuitry belt" that gave him an impenetrable force field (and limited improvements in strength, speed, yada yada). He debuted in Dazzler #5 (1981), and had a couple of tiny appearances since then.
MECHANAUT--Fabian Stankowitz was a loser who won the lottery and decided to prove to the world what a great engineer he was by building super-suits to defeat the Avengers (admittedly, that might look nice on a resume). He was a recurring joke in the book...even once being defeated by David Letterman (yes, seriously). Fabian first appeared in Avengers #217 (1982).
That's Mark Gruenwald in a nutshell...gather a bunch of forgotten, loser characters and try to do something with them.
Anyway, Cap decides to try something different with these goofballs, when...
Well, leaving behind the idjit squad proves to become a mistake, because who should decide to show up but...
The Soviet Super-Soldiers!!Of course, the Beavis and Butthead crew decide it's a good opportunity to fight:
So we get a couple of pages of this...
...until Cap returns...
Hmmm....maybe Gruenwald should have considered that having the Soviet Super-Soldiers fought to a standstill by the cast from Stan Lee's So You Want To Be A Superhero makes that Russkies look like a bunch of losers themselves. So why have our Communist heroes invaded Avengers island?
Really? Oh, what famously bad timing. Of course, our creators couldn't have known that in a handful of months the Berlin Wall would be tumbling down and the Cold War would become quaint. At the time it was published, nobody had an inkling that the dominant geopolitical struggle of the past 45 years was about to suddenly go poof.
Why are they defecting? Our Russian heroes saw themselves as heroes of the people, you see, but the communist government was trying to force them to do the government's bidding. So they split.
In the interim, we get one of the coolest Cap moments ever, as Speedball's still running around a bit out of control:
That's right, Cap is so cool, he can stop Speedball with just a single word. Let's see Bucky Barnes do that...He then gives our crew of rejects a really nice rejection letter:
Damn, I guess that means Gilgamesh is still an Avenger...
Our newly defected heroes are going to have to get used to our new political system...
But while the reader sees that Cap's been called away for a mission, Cap somehow shows up and tells the Defectors that it's time for a test:
Well, since we know Cap is a fake, what do you think the odds are that the rest of these "Avengers" aren't on the up and up??
Our "test" ensues...
...and we find out that Ursa Major's power apparently involves a lot of ducking:
And we get "subtle" clues to the obvious fact that these aren't the real Avengers...
...but ultra-dense Vanguard finally realizes the truth, too late to prevent himself from getting creamed.
And the true identity of our impostors?
Of course--the Soviet Super-Soldiers could only be defeated by the Supreme Soviets (left to right, Sputnik, the Crimson Dynamo, Red Guardian, Perun the Russian storm god, and Fantasia). I shoulda known...
But despite their claims to be "executioners," the Supremes leave the Soviet Super-Soldiers alive, for Cap to discover...
...and giving us the greatest next issue blurb EVER:
That's about all there is to see here...nothing deep or revelatory. Surprisingly enough, this issue of Cap isn't really about Cap much at all...but that'll happen sometimes.
Oh, yeah, there's this:
Oh, functional models based on crappy short-lived television series, how I've missed you...(for those of you too young to remember, the 1980's were the Golden Age of TV Shows About Crime-Fighting Helicopters...seriously!!)
ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:
Speaking of Speedball...
Ah, the last gasp of comics innocence (your mileage may vary). Created by Steve Ditko!! Two eleven-page stories per issue!! Fighting ridiculous but harmless foes like the Bonehead Gang, The Sticker, the Graffiti Guerrillas...A last-ditch attempt to recreate the fun of 1960's Spider-Man.
But alas, the time were achangin', the 1990's were beckoning, and Speedball was canceled 2 issues later.
And then came the Civil War...sigh...
No, it's not a hoax, not a dream, not an imaginary story. Well, it is a hoax, actually. And who's responsible for this detente-busting opus?
Ah, with Mark Gruenwald at the helm, we can certainly expect some oddball, long forgotten Marvel characters to be crawling out of the woodwork, can't we? And we get that almost right away:
Wow, what the hell? Cap thought it was a good idea to "invite everyone who had inquired about Avengers membership over the last six months?" You mean, if I had sent Cap a letter, I would have been invited to Avengers Island? Perhaps...at this moment the Avengers featured their WORST LINEUP EVER, as we'll see in some more detail in a few days.And let's face it--this crew of losers Cap has summoned make me look like a credible Avenger! Who we got?
SPEEDBALL--we all know sweet, innocent Robbie Baldwin, before Stamford, before the Civil War, before becoming a self-mutilating pain junkie. Sigh...
GLADIATRIX--A female wrestler, Robin Braxton got super-strength from the Power Broker, and had appeared only once previously, in The Thing #33 (1986).
BLUE SHIELD--Joe Cartelli was an ex-cop whose father was killed by the mob. He came into possession of a "micro-circuitry belt" that gave him an impenetrable force field (and limited improvements in strength, speed, yada yada). He debuted in Dazzler #5 (1981), and had a couple of tiny appearances since then.
MECHANAUT--Fabian Stankowitz was a loser who won the lottery and decided to prove to the world what a great engineer he was by building super-suits to defeat the Avengers (admittedly, that might look nice on a resume). He was a recurring joke in the book...even once being defeated by David Letterman (yes, seriously). Fabian first appeared in Avengers #217 (1982).
That's Mark Gruenwald in a nutshell...gather a bunch of forgotten, loser characters and try to do something with them.
Anyway, Cap decides to try something different with these goofballs, when...
Well, leaving behind the idjit squad proves to become a mistake, because who should decide to show up but...
The Soviet Super-Soldiers!!Of course, the Beavis and Butthead crew decide it's a good opportunity to fight:
So we get a couple of pages of this...
...until Cap returns...
Hmmm....maybe Gruenwald should have considered that having the Soviet Super-Soldiers fought to a standstill by the cast from Stan Lee's So You Want To Be A Superhero makes that Russkies look like a bunch of losers themselves. So why have our Communist heroes invaded Avengers island?
Really? Oh, what famously bad timing. Of course, our creators couldn't have known that in a handful of months the Berlin Wall would be tumbling down and the Cold War would become quaint. At the time it was published, nobody had an inkling that the dominant geopolitical struggle of the past 45 years was about to suddenly go poof.Why are they defecting? Our Russian heroes saw themselves as heroes of the people, you see, but the communist government was trying to force them to do the government's bidding. So they split.
In the interim, we get one of the coolest Cap moments ever, as Speedball's still running around a bit out of control:
That's right, Cap is so cool, he can stop Speedball with just a single word. Let's see Bucky Barnes do that...He then gives our crew of rejects a really nice rejection letter:
Damn, I guess that means Gilgamesh is still an Avenger...Our newly defected heroes are going to have to get used to our new political system...
But while the reader sees that Cap's been called away for a mission, Cap somehow shows up and tells the Defectors that it's time for a test:
Well, since we know Cap is a fake, what do you think the odds are that the rest of these "Avengers" aren't on the up and up??Our "test" ensues...
...and we find out that Ursa Major's power apparently involves a lot of ducking:
And we get "subtle" clues to the obvious fact that these aren't the real Avengers...
...but ultra-dense Vanguard finally realizes the truth, too late to prevent himself from getting creamed.
And the true identity of our impostors?
Of course--the Soviet Super-Soldiers could only be defeated by the Supreme Soviets (left to right, Sputnik, the Crimson Dynamo, Red Guardian, Perun the Russian storm god, and Fantasia). I shoulda known...But despite their claims to be "executioners," the Supremes leave the Soviet Super-Soldiers alive, for Cap to discover...
...and giving us the greatest next issue blurb EVER:
That's about all there is to see here...nothing deep or revelatory. Surprisingly enough, this issue of Cap isn't really about Cap much at all...but that'll happen sometimes.Oh, yeah, there's this:
Oh, functional models based on crappy short-lived television series, how I've missed you...(for those of you too young to remember, the 1980's were the Golden Age of TV Shows About Crime-Fighting Helicopters...seriously!!)ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:
Speaking of Speedball...
Ah, the last gasp of comics innocence (your mileage may vary). Created by Steve Ditko!! Two eleven-page stories per issue!! Fighting ridiculous but harmless foes like the Bonehead Gang, The Sticker, the Graffiti Guerrillas...A last-ditch attempt to recreate the fun of 1960's Spider-Man.
But alas, the time were achangin', the 1990's were beckoning, and Speedball was canceled 2 issues later.
And then came the Civil War...sigh...
1989... I remember it well. At time of upheaval in the Marvel Universe as I was about a year away from dropping their every title.
ReplyDeleteIt was its last chance to show me why I should keep reading.
To be fair, I still liked Cap at this point.