Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sharp Dressed Apes

Yesterday we saw that Hank Pym was being a little more unstable than usual, lashing out at the Giant-Man fan club and sneaking into East Berlin in one of the more ridiculous disguises possible.

But you see, there's a reason for this odd behavior: his buddy has been captured as a spy.

Hank Pym hates commiesBut wait--there's more:

The Air Force assigned a special jet for Pym?!?So, after skulking around completely inconspicuously, Pym realizes that this is no job for Giant-Man!!

When Ant-Man can do the job better than you...it's time to find a new jobWait a minute...can Pym speak German ant??

Religion, however, is quite the barrier to antsOh, well then.

Now, you might want to be sitting down, because we're about to get the big reveal on what the commie secret weapon is. Are you bracing yourselves? Seriously, you are so not ready for this...

No, the usual sense of the word would be, you know, an actual weaponWhat??

Enjoying Hairy Potter??Yes, the Red secret weapon is...monkeys who can read.

Do you have any idea how hard it to NOT make Planet of The Apes jokes here?
Bold Fashion Choice--Gorilla StyleHmmm...can I just say that this army isn't that formidable...they don't have guns, they don't have superpowers. Nick Fury could take down a whole platoon of them with as single "WAHOO!!!" Hell, even Hank Pym could take one down!!

The Reds, fortunately, had scads of gorilla-sized hammer and sickle coveralls lying around
Greatest action pose EVER
Gorilla with a glass jaw
World's slowest ex-FBI agentSee? But what about 6?? (And where, exactly, do they find all of these gorillas in East Berlin?? Must be from Octopussy's circus...)

East berlin was in such dire economic shape, they couldn't even afford backgrounds
Run away!!Ahh, you mean the time for cowardice, don't you, Hank??

Anyway, Pym has (somehow) deduced the solution to this gorilla crisis. Hang on folks, because it's time for Marvel Science, Pym Style!!

Really...would you want this invention on a swivel base?!?
Oh, the sweet ironyWow, he didn't even have to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow--the machine just happens to work the opposite on humans!!! Lucky guess, or brilliant discovery? You make the call!!

Fortunately, Pym is now able to destroy the way, and it turns out the effect was only temporary. The world is safe!! Now Giant-Man and his pal just have to escape from East Berlin. How, you ask?

MR. PYM, TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!!!

The Giant-Man Who Came in from the ColdWow, that makes me all warm inside. How about you, Lee Kearns?!?

Bob crane asks, 'What is Patriotism?'Bonus panel: The Wasp psychoanalyzes her boyfriend:

Run, Jan...run far way!!No, Jan, it's because he's an unstable, self-absorbed emotional recluse who will beat you...hey, wait a minute, what did she mean by "first wife?!?!" Pym wouldn't marry Janet for years yet!! Was there some secret second marriage we didn't know about?!?!?!?

So that's Pym--unstable and broody, even back then. But at least he could beat up commie super-intelligent gorillas and talk with German ants...

This Tale To Astonish brought to you in issue #60, 1964, by Lee and Ayers.

5 comments:

  1. This story aint as crazy as it sounds! Well...Pym is crazy but the story has a semblance of truth! Stalin was rumored to be working on a way to breed humans and apes...so that he could build an army of em! Have you seen the average Russian woman? He may have succeeded.

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  2. Pym actually did have a first wife, named Maria I believe, who was killed behind the iron curtain. Jan was a dead ringer for her.

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  3. Chris--Good job...now you've got Putin pissed at us. And I thought the average Russian woman looked like Maria Sharapova...

    Anon--Yes he did. But my point was, until Pym remarried, would you refer to Maria as his "first wife"? I would think you wouldn't call her "his first wife" until there was a second one, right? Otherwise, you'd just say "his wife' or "his dead wife."

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  4. Okay, so you were right -- as Giant Man, he DID still need the stupid antenna. Harumph. :-\

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  5. I'm most amazed at the guy not guessing Ant-Man was also Giant-Man.

    I mean, seriously...

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