Tales From the Quarter Bin--This Is A Public Service Announcement

Someday, DC and Marvel have to put together Showcase/Essential editions to collect all the wonderful free comic books they published as Public Service Announcements over the years.

Case in point: Spider-Man, Storm and Power Man #1 (1982):

This joint, done in cooperation with the American Cancer Society, was a freebie that sought to discourage the tykes from smoking. While it's a commendable goal, quality-wise, well, it's pretty craptacular. You'd think that just because it's free comic, they assigned it to any old interns sitting around the Bullpen.

We start at a track meet:

So, just like the Daily Planet, the Daily Bugle doesn't have any actual news to cover. "Parker, forget the Spider-Man pictures--go get me shots of that teen track team!! That'll sell papers!!"

Ah, but there's a human interest angle...and, of course, the overselling of the dangers of cigarettes:

So kids, if you start smoking, you'll make strange friends, keep late hours, and skip classes. That's science, you see.

Sadly, there's a flaw in Cage's plan to track down these nefarious tempters:

OK, so who would be less conspicuous than Cage?

Oh, yeah...white-haired statuesque African Goddess Ororo won't attract any attention at all...

After a couple of pages of a health class lecture on all the physical harms of tobacco, they again have to go for the overkill:

Yup, smoking makes your grades drop!! More science!!

Hey, what is our bad guys' purpose, anyway? Well, their nefarious plot is:

So given that, in the Marvel PSA Universe, high school track meets attract big time illegal gambling, it's only logical that evil peeps would try to rig those track meets by hooking star athletes on cigarettes. Perfectly sensible. Brilliant plan.

Meanwhile, Storm's mission isn't going so hot:

And what major villain took down Storm with no discernible effort?

Oh, dear. Memo to Marvel: Please don't have villains with "SS" on their chests, unless they're Nazis. Especially in PSA comics for kids. Thank you.

Well, after many pointless pages and nagging lectures, our heroes of course triumph, after some typical Luke Cage battle dialogue:


Wait a minute: the money was returned to its "rightful owners?" This was an illegal gambling operation--the cops wouldn't give the bettors their money back!!

Anyway, our athlete learns his lesson, spends the next 48 hours getting back in shape, manages to finish second, but everybody respects him now and welcomes him back to "the winning team."

The problem with this PSA effort--like many others--is that it piles on too hard. Not content to point out the vile physical effects of tobacco, Marvel and the ACS feel obliged to attribute every other vice and ill in the Western hemisphere to tobacco, too: illegal gambling and sports fixing, hooliganism, poor grades, rejecting old friends, a big ego, pool halls (seriously)...I'm surprised they didn't blame hurricanes and nuclear proliferation on cigarettes, too. And of course, such wild overstatements trigger the bullshit alarms in the heads of their target audience, somewhat mooting any effectiveness of their message.

Here's something interesting, from 1998:

I don't have this one, I just found it on GCD. So is it just the same old story reprinted, with a new title (to reflect Luke's re-branding) and a disturbingly 90s cover? On the cover Smokescreen looks completely different. Did they re-do the entire issue?? Man, this is going to keep me up all night...