Lois Over Parador

This is not my fault. Blame my loyal readers for the pain you're about to experience.

Back in December, I put up a small post mocking Lois' outfit. But I didn't talk much about the story itself, because I didn't want anyone's head to explode.

Then on Monday, as a lark I posted a letter from a subsequent issue, referring back to that story. I just thought the editor gave one of the patented DC silly answers, and it amused me.

But now EVERYBODY seems to want to know what that story is about. You guys are a masochistic lot.

So prepare yourself for a story that makes less than no sense. A tale, told by Leo Dorfman and Kurt Schaffenberger, that has no beginning, middle or end. A twist that will make your head explode...seriously. So abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because we're taking on Lois Lane #75 (1967), in a tale truthfully titled "The Lady Dictator!"

Somewhat unusually for the day, this was a book-length epic. But that doesn't stop Dorfman (Flounder?) and Schaffenberger from starting in the middle of events, as Superman crashes a pool party. Lois, though, is expecting him:


It turns out that Superman has amnesia! Why? We don't know yet! But anyway, Superman found a picture of himself and Lois in his cape, and sought her out. Surely, she will help him remember everything, right?

Whaaa? Why would Lois punk her boyfriend like that? Here's why:

You see, it was Lois who needed the secret identity, because a lame villain named the Maestro has kidnapped her sister, and is forcing her to help in his "Symphony of Crime."

Quick aside: we were always told that Superman couldn't reveal his secret ID, because then all of his friends and loved one would be in jeopardy. But in the Silver Age, weren't Clark's friends the EXACT same set as Superman's? Jimmy Olson, Perry White, Lois Lane...everybody ALREADY knew they were Superman's friends, so hiding that you were Clark wasn't protecting them. And since Ma and Pa Kent were passed away, who the hell was Clark trying to protect??

Anyway, since Lois is being forced to help the Maestro complete his plan (what plan? Where did the amnesia come from? Relax, true believer, we're only 3 pages into the story!), she seals the deal with a dreadful pun, and directs Kal-El to rendezvous with her in a mythical Latin American nation:


Well, when we get there, we discover that the dictator-for-life of Santoro, the famous General Tigre, is none other than Lois herself!!


Confused yet? Good, that might cushion the blow from your head exploding a few paragraphs from now. In an attempt to flatter there fearless leader, a famous artist has crafted a tribute to Lois/Tigre:

Just for fun, let's look at a close-up of how Latin American sculptors dressed in 1967:

O...K.....meanwhile, Lois is really getting into her role as dictator, and the peons aren't happy:

Well, it turns out that the statue contained a huge bomb. Which leads us to the infamous panel that led to the questioning letter:

Now, I could have come up with 17 better answers than "he won a one peso raffle," not limited to: A) This particular revolutionary wasn't poor B) it was a family heirloom C) it was stolen D) it was purchased with the coins Lois tossed to the crowd E) the peons pooled their money, because if you're staging a revolution, you damned well need to know what time it is. But no, Mort Weisinger went for the "one peso raffle." Sigh...

Anyway, confused Superman saves the day, and the artist and his family are arrested and to be executed. Yay!

Or not. Lois has no choice but to comply with Maestro's plan (what plan?!?! patience, padawan...) because it's not just Lucy he holds captive, but her parents, too. And he proves to be an early version of the Psycho Pirate, with a keyboard that can project emotions onto people:



You decide which relative's emotions are scariest. Plus, note the foreshadowing. Hey, what about the real General Tigre? Where's she been this whole time?

Wait a minute...wasn't that Lois' face on the coins and the statue? If she and Tigre don't look anything alike...no, stop thinking, it can only hurt you here.

Now, we're finally getting close to unveiling Maestro's plan. Don't get your hopes up, we're not there yet...but there is discernible progress:



Now, note some more wonderful foreshadowing:



So, this whole shebang--setting up Lois to pose as a famous dictator whom she looks nothing like, manipulating Superman's mysterious amnesia--is all to get Superman to x-ray vision a big ass gem, and make things blow up. Why? Hang on, crew, we're getting there...you can't rush Leo Dorfman!!

Back to business. Remember the artist who was to be executed? Well, guess who gets to pull the trigger?

Stunningly, Lois passes the buck to the Man of Steal, who whines like a little girl:




It's a fake, right? Nope:

I just have to comment here: even if he does have amnesia, Superman is being a total puss. Is there some reason he HAS to obey Lois' orders? Yeah, he maybe thinks he's evil, but why would puny human Lois be the boss? He's totally whipped...he just whines and whines while doing whatever Lois says...

Now, get ready...we're nearing the exploding head portion of our story. Superman x-rays the gem, and destroys the massing rebel troops.



Are you ready for the Maestro's real plan? Brace yourself:

Yeah, because that worked out so well for Cuba...but before Superman can thwart the scheme:


Well, that's it. Superman's a murderer and permanently depowered, Lois helped destroy him, the U.S. is doomed. Game Over!

Uh, no.

Now, I've got to warn you. If you have a weak heart, or recent head trauma, you might want to log off right now. Because this next panel is going to cause intense cranial pressure resulting in a Scanners-like explosion:

HUH?? WHAT?!?!?! WHO? HOW??? I DON'T----BLAMMMM!

I did warn you.

Yes, DC back in 1967 gave us the first "flash forward," albeit into a hypothetical future. This story was its own Elseworlds. And so now Dorfman shows us what "really" happened (remember all our foreshadowing):




Hey, what about the amnesia?!?! Anyway, Lois' scheme (which conveniently involved making her boyfriend cry) results in a restoration of all things good, and the undeniably turn-on of seeing Lois lead a popular rebellion:


Afterwards, we FINALLY find out why Superman had amnesia--the Maestro had tried to control him with his "emotion organ" (ewww), but it couldn't overcome Kryptonian invulnerability, and instead just wiped his memory. Yeah, right.

So, all's well that ends well, and--hey, wait a minute!! What about the family Superman shot to death?



Phew, that was a close one!!

So, yeah, Chris, the peons/watch problem was hardly the most pressing problem in Lois Lane #75. We had the birth of a new literary device, ridiculously convoluted story-telling, lame cop outs, stunning outfits...You see, when you read about everybody doing drugs in the 60s, this kind of proves that's true, because the readers really had no qualms except about the watch and a bullfighting scene (which I omitted for you, you're welcome). One letter writer did declare "the Maestro is a better villain than Luthor and Brainiac combined."

Don't do drugs, kids. And don't do flash forwards, either.



And if I ever do a post this long again, just shoot me, OK?