Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Valentine's Day Special--Bachelor Batman

Dear Warner Brothers film executives:

Please note the following summary.

Monstrobot hotness scale: 92.76Batman (1989). Bruce Wayne love interest: Vicki Vale.

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Monstrobot hotness scale: 100.56, 129.67 in leather outfitBatman Returns. Bruce Wayne love interest: Selina Kyle (Catwoman).

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Monstrobot hotness scale: 85.67Batman Forever. Bruce Wayne love interest: Dr. Chase Meridian

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman and Robin. Bruce Wayne love interest: No serious attempt.

Monstrobot hotness scale: initially 115.67, much lower after Tom Cruise got his claws into herBatman Begins. Bruce Wayne love interest: Rachel Dawes

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film. (CORRECTION: As Siskoid correctly noted, Rachel Dawes does return in Dark Knight. She's just played by Maggie Gyllenhaal this time out. Mea culpa. Still, I believe my general point stands...)

Warner executives, PLEASE STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Aside from the stunningly repetitious and uninteresting execution of the multiple attempts to give Bruce Wayne a love life (and despite the possible implication that there are a pile of old girlfriends corpses deep in the Batcave, lest his secret get out), this is really, really unnecessary.

This is Batman. He is obsessive to the point of mental illness. His "normal" life is just a shell he uses. As your repeated failed attempts demonstrate, he's probably incapable of have a long-term relationship with any woman.

Besides, I'm willing to bet that in the past 20 years, not a single extra ticket has been sold because of whomever you cast to be Bruce love interest du film.

So stop it. If one of your writers or directors comes up with an ORIGINAL idea for a relationship for Bruce, go for it. But quit trying to shoehorn it in, casting another name actress to follow the EXACT same character arc.

Besides, this is The Batman. He doesn't need a girlfriend.


Monstrobot hotness scale: 666OK, that's not what I meant...

That you for your attention.

4 comments:

  1. Actually Rachel does return in the Dark Knight, although she's played by a different person.

    So sometimes he kills them, and sometimes he forces them to have extensive plastic surgery.

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  2. As hateable as Batman and Robin was, it had two bright points. One of them was Bruce's relationship with Elle Macpherson, which was very like how he treats women in the comics.

    ReplyDelete