Meet The New Gods--Same As The Old Gods??

Since everyone else is weighing in on the Death of the New Gods (DONG...huh huh, huhh huhh), I guess it's time I threw my two cents into the ring.

In the interests of full disclosure, let me state right up front that I'm no fan of the New Gods. I've always found Jack Kirby's DC work, while visually arresting, to be boring and flat. The characters are, at best, one-note two-dimensional archetypes, with little personality, who never seem to do anything remotely interesting.

Before the deluge of comments calling me an idiot starts, let me loudly acknowledge that I'm only stating my personal opinion, and that I freely admit that many many people out there love the Fourth World. Then again, there have never been enough who've loved them to actually support any series featuring them, so maybe I'm more representative of the majority than I think.

Also, before you deluge me with examples of various New Gods stories that were thrilling and great, let me say, don't bring up Cosmic Odyssey, because DC did its level best to pretend that it never happened, and most of the good parts involved the "regular" DC universe characters, not the New Gods. And none of the New Gods stories I have read, no matter the creator, have ever spurred me to pick up another.

As to the future, we're all just speculating now. No one knows what is going to happen as a result of DONG and Final Crisis. Dan DiDio revealed last week that the Fourth World is indeed ending and we will be getting the Fifth World. This is hardly a new idea. Grant Morrison was hinting at that way back in his JLA run (you remember, the one where Orion and Barda were members and didn't actually do anything...) . And Jack Kirby himself said that the whole New God/4th World was part of a continuing cycle of destruction and rebirth. Himon et al arose from the Ragnarokian ashes of the Old Gods. So it seems odd to me to decry the "destruction of Kirby's characters" when he himself based them on a cycle of rebirth and destruction.

That being said, the question is over exactly WHAT is being done with the NG. Some suggest that they won't really die, that DC will revive them when copyright time rears its head. Perhaps--although, seriously, aside from Darkseid and Mister Miracle, who among the New Gods has any merchandising potential? The general public's awareness of ANY of the New Gods, even those two, is zero. And frankly, killing them and then resurrecting the same gods as part of Fifth World goes more counter to Kirby's conception of their universe than killing them.

Some have suggested that the current crop of DC elder heroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al) will be elevated into New Goodhood, with the youngsters now taking the limelight in the DC universe. That may tie in with the rumor of Bruce Wayne's forthcoming death.

But it's all so much woolgathering until we get some more information. So instead of speculating, let me offer some suggestions as to what the Fifth World should be like, with the understanding that they come from someone who wasn't enamored of the Fourth.

1) No Mother Box!!! PING PING Lordy, I hate this never-ending deus ex machina. PING PING. The idea of a "living computer" PING PING that is "linked to the Source" PING PING isn't necessarily a bad idea, but as used, it was noting but an ongoing plot cheat by lazy writers. Here's a partial list of Mother Box's abilities. PING PING. You might as well give each of your characters a Cosmic Cube. PING PING. And then cross it with R2-D2 for those riveting conversations the audience can only understand one side of. PING PING. If a New God is really a god, he shouldn't need this magic wand. Which leads me to...

2) Make them Gods. Why, exactly, are they gods? I ask this not just as part of some semantic quibble, but for a serious purpose. What is their role in the DC universe??

They don't seem to have worshippers (unless you count the Foragers). They don't seem to have godly duties, like Asgardians. So, what is it, then, that makes them gods?

They don't seem more appreciably powerful than, say, the Oans. Or even the Monitors, for heaven's sake. Superman can go toe-to-toe with them, even Darkseid, and he's no god. They depend on technological marvels like Mother Boxes for many of their greatest feats.

For once, I'm not being snarky. But if we're going to continue these characters or concepts, one thing they really have to deal with is, what does it mean to be a "god" in the DC universe? What is their purpose, what are their responsibilities, what is their position in the balance of power in the universe? I don't think anyone who's handled them, even Kirby, has bothered to do anything more than assert their godhood, with zero examination of the meaning or implications of that title. If we want the Fifth World to work in a 21st Century comic book universe, we need something more than "they're really old and kinda powerful."

3) GIVE THEM BETTER FREAKIN' NAMES. Whatever you think of Kirby's work, naming characters wasn't one of them. Beating the reader of the head with punny "allusions" was, though. Darkseid...get it, Luke? Get it? Apokolips...see, it's evil!! See, he's named Desaad, and he likes to torture people!! Hey, she's called Stompa, and she stomps her foot!! And don't get me started with Virman Vundabar...fix this, DC.

4) ENOUGH WITH THE DARKSEID ALREADY. It's probably way too late for this suggestion. Is it possible for DC writers to make it through an epic storyline without making Darkseid the mastermind? Does EVERY arc in Superman/Batman have to feature Darkseid's villainy? It was cute when he only appeared once in awhile, like in the Legion or JLA. But now he's everywhere, and I, for one, am sick of him. When Darkseid appears more often than the Joker, you know you've got a problem.

It's devalued him tremendously. I mean, we've gone from requiring the ENTIRE Legion of Super-Heroes, or the combined forces of the JLA/JSA/New Gods to (barely) stop him; these days he's rather easily thwarted (or at least stalemated) by pretty much anyone. Next week: Blue Beetle throws a monkey wrench into Darkseid's plans.

Worst of all, no one ever does anything all that interesting with him. He's always manipulating, always seeking some piece of the latest conception of the "anti-life equation," whatever the hell that is. No new goals, no new companions, no new methods. Just a jaunty "you may have won today, but soon you and the rest of the universe shall pay" as he fades away.

I know they'll never actually get rid of him, because DC writers need the crutch. But could we at least ease off the use of him? Let's make it an event again, something to fear, something special, not just an easy answer to "whose a big villain we can use in this fill-in arc??"

Hmmm, for a concept I've never really cared for, I've sure ranted on awhile, haven't I? OK, bedtime.