Ask Monstrobot--Omniscient Oracle

Dear Monstrobot,
I'm a data manager for a large network of powerful people. Lately I've been having some major security problems on our network, as "bad guys" seem intent on hacking our system.

Can you offer me some advice on how to safeguard our systems, before my employers end up crippled?
--Omniscient Oracle

Dear Oracle,
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara...please, why the pretense? My nephews have better avatars for World of Warcraft! Be yourself!

Anyway, your "problems" are signs of incompetence. but they also show a lot of potential for evil. But first there are a couple of facts you've got to face.

First, if you have such sensitive data on your computers, why in the world have it attached to a system that can be hacked?? Seriously, if the information is so sensitive, it shouldn't be on your mainframe connected to the internet...unless...

Secondly, and I'm not sure how to put this, but you really need to upgrade your physical security. I mean. C'mon. Babs, your inner sanctum (chortle) was breached (guffaw) by Karate Kid (bwa hahahahaha). I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but I mean, Karate Kid? His power is, he knows karate?!?! OK, he has a flight ring, too...but he reached your inner sanctum without working up a sweat! And he's what, the 1,345th most powerful guy in the universe? Really, I don't see how you can keep any data secret if (snort) Karate Kid can just waltz in. What if someone really powerful wanted to break in? Maybe see Batman for some security tips.

Speaking of Batman, I've got to ask you: why do you need the home addresses of "every superhero in the world?" Is there a newsletter you mail out? Do you do their taxes for them? Send gift baskets on birthdays? Or maybe...

I can't help but recall that your mentor created the OMAC system, which was used to hunt down and eliminate superheroes. And you have all their civilian identities and addresses...why Barabara, have you turned to the dark side without telling us?!? We certainly could use someone as lovely as you on our team! Why else have all this dangerous data stored in easily violated security, while your "boss" has an evil plan requiring that data? I knew you couldn't really be that incompetent...you're really evil!

So my answer to you is to go for it, stop pretending to fight whoever is after you data. Give in to your evil urges, and slay, slay, slay!!