This Would Have Made A Great Issue Of Bewitched!!

Hey, kids, how about we check in with...

Ah, a drive-in!! How quaint.

And later, an opportunity!

But of course...

Kitchy is discriminated against for her lack of classic beauty.

Luckily, she is a witch, so...

Get ready--this story is about to take a really dark turn in 5...4...3...

...2...1...

AIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

But...

I dunno, Kitchy...maybe you were fired because you violently assaulted the leading man...? Just sayin'...

From Herbie #2 (1964)

"True" Crime, Bugsy Vs. Bugsie!!

Well, when a comic advertises itself as...

 ...you sort of expect authenticity.

When a story bills itself as...

...you kind of expect a true story.

Hahahah, naive fools:

Please note, this is not Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel. Nope, this true story is about Billy "Bugsie" Siegal. Ever so close.

So close...

...that they can't even get their fake named consistent for two captions in the same splash panel!!

Meanwhile, you gotta like this "Bugsie":

Five dollars? FIVE DOLLARS?!?! Thanks, state of Michigan!! Woo hoo I'm goin' straight!!

Not Bugsie!

You have to respect using that same $5 bill to light your cigarette while talking smack to a perturbed warden!!

Oh, just so we know that they're not just using Bugsie Siegal as a pseudonym in an otherwise true story...the actual Bugsy Siegel never did time in the pen--he was only ever convicted of minor offenses and got off with fines (although he did spend a brief time in jail awaiting a murder trial); he was never even arrested in Michigan, and there is no Cargmore Penitentiary, anywhere.

Still, I'll bet the real guy lit his smokes with $5 bills just to piss off law-abiding folk...

From Colossal Features Magazine #3 (1950)

Friday Night Fights--Do As I Say, Not As I Do Style!!

Spy, or super-hero? That is the question for the Black Widow in this week's Friday Night Fights.

Natasha is using Tony Stark as bait to draw out some terrorist kidnappers (with his permission, natch). They talk over old times...

So, hero or secret agent? We're about to find out, as...

Yes, Natasha, that was totally NOT a "costumed athlete." Not at all.

And the worst part?

Tony was kidnapped while you were jumping around!!

Spacebooger reminds you not to dip your electro-claw in the punch bowl.

100% spycraft and not a jot of jumping around like a costumed athlete from Iron Man #6 (1998), by Kurt Busiek (with "plot assist" by Richard Howell), Patrick Zircher and John Holdredge

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? If my fight gets enough votes, maybe Marvel will give the Black Widow her own movie! So go and vote!!!

How To Impress Your Parents The Gotham Way!

Brace yourself for the most disarmingly sweet story you've ever read.

Bruce is having one of the "rich men opining about shit" conversations that billionaires have...

Well, soon enough the opportunity to prove it does indeed come along.

Batman rescues a young woman from ending her own life...

Why would she do this?!?

You're right, Batman!

Well, a more cynical hero might just tell her to "suck it up, confess the truth, and your parents will still love you."

Not this Batman!!

Now, you remember that story from the myths where Balder's mother went to every object on Earth, and made it promise not to kill her some (oops, forgot the mistletoe!!)?

Well, Batman is going to go to every single person in Gotham and get them to play along with deceiving Viola's parents!!

And yes, Bruce Wayne is going to get involved, too!

Batman even goes to the media...and of course they play along!

FAKE NEWS!!

One paper, though, is less cooperative!

Now that's my Gotham--where editors of scandal sheets are packing heat and aren't afraid to draw on the Batman!!

Time for Bruce to get involved...with his checkbook!

Goddamn, Gotham is the nicest city ever!

So her parents show up:

And Gothamites are happy to play along!

But, after a boring 5-page interlude where some crooks steal her new jewels and furs...

Fortunately, amazing coincidences are par for the course in happy Gotham City!

And so...

Hurray!!

Her parents are none the wiser...

And Bruce proves his friend wrong...

The cynic in me wants to thing Jim Daly handed over a one dollar check, as Bruce did all this just to win a rich man's wager like in Trading Places.

But, nope. This is a heart-warming tale where everybody in the big city unites in a harmless deception so a young woman's parents will be proud of her. Excuse me while a wipe away a tear...

From Detective Comics #53 (1941)