As the stressful holiday season is upon us, Slay Monstrobot would like to remind you:
No matter how bad things are, comic books will make your life better.
Seriously, as long as you're not adrift in a life raft being menaced by Nazi planes and U-boats AND sharks, your day is going pretty well compared to these guys.
So take a cue from them--read a comic book, and relieve the stress!!!
The Fantastic Four are visiting Reed's scientist buddy Randolph...
Randolph has a lab in his house in the suburbs, because, well, because. He was getting Reed's help with his prototype "evolutionary accelerator," because that always works out so well.
See? Picket fence and everything!!
But you what else the suburbs have?
Roving biker gangs who go around beating up scientists for their money!!
Which is, well, kind of odd. But hey, Marvel Universe, right?
Anyway, they beat the stuffing out of Randolph (off-screen, thank heavens)...
And how does that work out for you, Randolph?
Dude--evolve some pants!!
Anyway...
Because biker gangs who stalk suburbia shaking down scientists for money always come back to the scene of their assault/possible murder even though they didn't get one red cent the first time!
That's a bad idea for them:
So, for you gentle readers who live in suburbia, be careful--you neighbor might be a scientist with a lab full of highly dangerous equipment.
Also, be careful about killing any mice who have wandered into your house. They might really be devolved biker gang members...
Several days a week, my Twitter feed finds itself jammed by otherwise rational people who for some reason seem obsessed by every plot turn in the adolescent soap opera amazing athletic event that is professional wrestling.
Well, this post is for them.
Mike Matthew, a.k.a. Mike The Mauler, is the undisputed wrestling champ:
But a certain evil scientist has plans for him:
Well, that could be a very useful talent! Thionk of all the good you could do...
...or you could teach gorillas to wrestle humans! By making them watch wrestling on TV!
So soon...
"I want...wrestle!"
So, in one of those things that happens all the time where crazy rich men pay famous athletes to come perform for them privately, Dr. Blau makes Mike an offer he can't refuse!
Of course, when Mike gets there, he discovers the awful truth:
And despite being a champion, Mike is no match for a gorilla!
Nope, Mike is in big trouble...
...until...
"Elec...what that?"
Well, that also kills the evil doctor, so all's well that ends well...especially as Mike is now an even better wrestler than before!!
And so we have learned that wrestling can easily be mastered by telepathic gorillas who just watch it on television a lot. Which is why all of you watch wrestling all the time. Right??
So, who were America's great heroes in 1951 (at least according to Fawcett Comics)?
No big surprises: The Marvel Family, a jungle queen, lots (and lots) of western heroes, and...and...and...what the hell is this:
Who...?
AHHHHH!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Look, those of you with your quaint and silly fear of clowns...please. That is nothing compared to the terror caused by puppets--especially magician puppets!!!
The Great Foodini (with his assistant, Pinhead) was one of the earliest children's shows. They first appeared on The Adventures of Lucky Pup, but for some unfathomable reason, they proved more popular, and took over the show!! See, they killed Lucky Pup (probably!)!
Here, you can watch an entire episode...just don't blame me if you can't sleep for a week or so:
Thank you for the nightmares, CBS!
Apparently, Foodini and Pinhead (Pinhead!!! Are you listening!! PINHEAD!!AHHHHHH) proved popular, and quickly became masters of all primitive early 1950s media.
They had records:
They were on magazine covers:
There was no escaping the terror of the magician puppet:
And yes, the Satanic duo even infiltrated our beloved comic books:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
IEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody stop them!!!!
After their series at Continental Comics died, they proved their evil by coming back from to dead to infest Fawcett Comics, in a series that actually lasted longer than the television show!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
That woman, by the way, Hope Bunin, who with her husband Morey, were well known puppeteers, and creators of Foodini and Pinhead. Because in the 1940s & 50s, you could become famous for being a puppeteer and horrifying millions.
Foodini #1-4 appeared in 1950. Pinhead and Foodini #1-4 appeared in 1951-1952. This explains why you're parents are so frakked up. The ad appeared in Worlds Beyond #1 (1951)
