Oh, If Only The List Were Still This Short...

From the Answer Man column in Batman #299 (1978):

Sigh...

Friday Night Fights--Ebon Seeker Style!!

So, it's the Prize Fight round for this bout on Friday Night Fights. And our MC has declared that we must feature "a fight scene featuring a fight where the color black is present and noticeable almost to the point of being overbearing."

Well, you asked for it.

It's a happy, sunny day in New York City, until...

And the Fantastic Four are at the center of it...

The cause??

It's the living black hole known as the Ebon Seeker (a.k.a. Neg-Star, the Dark Dreadnaught, and the Cosmic Shade). Yes, that's a lot of names for a loser who never showed up again after this adventure!

But whatever the name, he's gonna kick the FF's ass...

See what I mean?

Still, it does no good, as...

BEATEN!!!

Black enough for you, Spacebooger??

This story take place in Fantastic Four #229 (1981), by Doug Moench, Bill Sienkiewicz and Joe Sinnott...considering the talent involved, this was one of the more disappointing FF eras ever...

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Because I want some cheddar. So go and vote!!

T.A.L.E.S. F.R.O.M. T.H.E. Q.U.A.R.T.E.R. B.I.N.--A.R.C.H.I.E Goes U.N.C.L.E.!

The cover of Life With Archie #54 (1966) takes Archie to a very unusual place:

That's right, Archie is actually going to parody a pop culture phenomenon...in a timely manner!! They're going to mock The Man From  U.N.C.L.E. (and S.H.I.E.L.D., and Bond's S.P.E.C.T.R.E., etc) while those things are still current, ongoing concerns!! That's unbelievably timely for an Archie comic.

However, a closer look will show...

...that anybody expecting a particularly deep satiric commentary--hell, any depth at all!!--is in for a big disappointment.

Because turning every name into an acronym is about this comic's only trick...

And yes, J.U.G.H.E.A.D. makes a brief appearance.

The worst part? There's not a single attempt--not one!--to tell us what these acronyms mean!! I mean, U.N.C.L.E. & S.P.E.C.T.R.E actually stood for something, they were actual acronyms.

Throughout the two stories in this comic, though, author Frank Doyle is content to just put periods inside of every proper name, That's it. Satiric genius!!

There are a couple of points of interest. First as A.R.C.H.I.E. and B.E.T.T.Y. are tied to boards in a piranha-infested river, how do R.E.G.G.I.E. and V.E.R.O.N.I.C.A. save them?

Woo hoo!! OK, that's cool...

And in the Girl From R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. story, we learn that B.E.T.T.Y has a really powerful scream:

Wow.

At the end of this book, I was left kind of like Super Spy:

So, let's have a little contest: whoever comes up with the best explanation of what R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. stands for wins my eternal respect...

If Only Congress Were More Like This...

And then there was the day that the hot Congressperson from Gotham picked her father up at the airport:

You know you wish your district's U.S. Representative dressed that way, don't you?

And when someone guns down a paroled hood right in front of them, she has a plan:

Well, you're damned glad that your Congressperson has funky taste in undergarments, right?

It doesn't take Batgirl long to track down...

So what does the motorcycle-driving-and-surprisingly-good-looking-House-Of-Representatives-member do?

Whoa!!!

Wait...

No, wait!! 

No, really, wait!!!!

Seriously, hold on a minute!!

OK, time out!!! 

*"Gangdom's most deadly hit lady" only ever uses one gun...and if you take it away, she's helpless?

*Diamond Lilly krazy glues a diamond to her revolver for each successful hit?!? Wouldn't that be, oh, I dunno, a CLUE you could use to convict her??

*Batgirl has "seen that diamond-studded pistol before"? Did you just let her get away then? Why isn't she in jail?

*Commissioner Gordon keeps a box of blanks on him as a "hobby"...even at the airport?!? TSA, where are you?!? And what the hell kind of "hobby" is that??

*"Gangdom's most deadly hit lady" believes that, after going to such lengths to seize it, Batgirl just dropped the gun? And Lilly doesn't notice that she's firing blanks? What, she thinks the supposed bullets are just passing through Batgirl?!? Does she believe that she's suddenly a terrible shot?

Oh, DC...

From Batman Family #4 (1976)