Friday Night Fights--

I'll be honest with you--I haven't won Friday Night Fights in awhile, and I'm getting pretty itchy.

So I'm bringing out the big guns.

It's 1998, and Marvel just officially ending the 90s by ending the debacle that was "Heroes Reborn."

All of our heroes have finally returned to good old Earth-616, and are ready for action. Including Thor.

Now, they wouldn't give Thor someone too tough to fight in his first issue back, would they? They'd start him off with someone like Stilt-Man, right?

WRONG!!

The Destroyer is being controlled by the spirit of an embittered military man who is sick of not getting any respect. He's tearing up the docks, and he has already trashed the Avengers.

So now it's Goldilocks' turn!! GAME ON!!

Oops. Welcome back AND so long, Thor!!

Spacebooger wants you all to relax, because Thor is no more dead than Catwoman is...

The extreme hurt of Thor #1 (1996) is brought to you by Dan Jurgens, John Romita Jr., and Kluas Janson.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? If I win, I'll show you how Thor comes back from this. Otherwise, you'll have to go on believing he's dead, because we always believe what the last panel in a continued comic story shows us, right? Right? So go vote!

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Hyborian Steroids

Sad, sad fact:

Although set in the ancient past, even Conan couldn't escape the 1990s.

OHHHH MY EYES!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

Cover from Conan #9 (1996)

Why Dogs Make Crappy Super-Heroes

There is a huge reason why dogs make crappy super-heroes:

Dogs can't stop thinking with their stomachs!

For example, the members of the Space Canine Patrol Agents have just escaped from captivity, and are about to bring down the bad guys, when...

Oops. Gotta stop everything for a bone!!

The worst part?

Yes, the bad guys are anthropomorphic dogs. Yes, Krypto is riding another dog. Silver Age.

So how can Krypto and Chameleon Collie save the others?!?

So dogs can never, ever resist bones. Ever.

All villains have to do is have a cache of bones, and they're home free, apparently.

Which is why dogs make crappy heroes.

[Yes, Krypto stopped them by making them lust after their colleague's bones. This does not bode well for the future of the S.C.P.A. Or at least for the future of Chameleon Collie...]

From Superboy #131 (1966)

Meet The S.C.P.A.!!

So Krypto is flying along in space, when...

Well, Mammoth Mutt dies--yup, not a dream, not a hoax, he bites the bullet--but not before he reveals that the rest of the Space Canine Patrol Agents have been captured.

Krypto allows himself to be captured in order to rescue them...so let's meet the dogs!

Uhh...I'm overwhelmed?!?

Better...

No, they're not "as sensational as the Legion Of Super-Heroes." Except, of course, they haven't been rebooted 17 times...

Anyway, Krytpo has lost his powers [SPOILER ALERT: he's been chewing some gum tainted with "a pinch" of kryptonite. Silver Age], so it's up to the S.C.P.A. to rescue themselves. Are they up to it?

And the battle is on!!

Yes, the bad guys are anthropomorphic dogs. Yes, this creates a Goofy/Pluto situation. Silver Age.

Please, no comments about making a movie version of the "canine centipede." Because ewwwwww.

From Superboy #131 (1966). But there is one reason that doges make crappy heroes. Tune in later this morning to find out why...

They Work For Dogs, Too

So how exactly does a dog keep a secret identity?

Krytpo is on a mission in space to rescue some other hero dogs (more on that later today).  So he needs to let himself be captured by the bad guys, so he can find out where the heroes are being kept. Which means he can't let them know he's Krypto (as opposed to some other hero dog), because of course everyone would know that Krytpo wouldn't be captured so easily.

The only reasonable solution?

The Silver Age, man. The Silver Age.

From Superboy #131 (1966). More Krypto later today...

Dennis Learns English, The Sporting Way!

You folks all know that I would never stoop so low as to make fun of our dear British cousins.

Fortunately...

...Dennis the Menace will be glad to do it for me!!

Dennis and family are on vacation in merry olde England. Whilst visiting Runnymede, Dennis decides that learning about the Magna Carta is boring, and takes off to play with some completely authentic British children.

Commence culture clash in 5...4...3...2...1:

As much as I would have loved that scene to continue forever, Dennis' ADHD kicks in, and...

And as Dennis recount his day to his father...

Don't sugar coat it, Dad...it's 5 days!! FIVE!!!

Sorry, England, I've got to agree with Dennis...I love you to death, but your sports are just weird.

From Dennis The Menace Bonus Magazine Series #88 (1971)