Golden Age Idol--Golden Arrow!

I know what you're going to say...there are already too damn many bow & arrow characters--why should we revive yet another one? Marvel has Hawkeye (along with faux-Hawkeye Bullseye) and the Squadron Supreme's Golden Archer. DC has Green Arrow and two Speedy's and Merlyn and The Spider and heaven knows who else. And Image has Shaft. And don't forget Robin Hood, and William Tell.

Damn, there are a lot of archers out there. Why do we find them so fascinating?

Anyway, you're now saying, it's clear that we don't need yet another bow & arrow character. So why should we revive a really obscure one from the Golden Age that nobody remembers??

First of all, as near as I can tell, Golden Arrow was the very first comic book archer hero, debuting in Whiz Comics #2 (really #1...don't ask) back in February 1940. He beat Green Arrow by a year and a half. He beat the Spider by six months (and why, exactly, you have a characters whose main skill is archery call himself the Spider is beyond me). He beat Hawkeye by 20 some years. Golden Arrow is the pioneer of the genre, but he's sadly forgotten today.

The second reason is--Golden Arrow has the greatest damn origin story of any of them. Hands down. No "stranded on a desert island and had to learn archery." No "I was a carny." Nope, we've got an honest-to-gosh, actual nutsy Golden Age origin.

So sit back, relax, and see why the world needs:

It starts, as it always does, with Golden Age Science:

And the best part of Golden Age Science, as always, are the controlled experiments:

And not only has he developed fizzy lifting drinks, but conveniently:

Ah, yes, the secret steering device. Of course.

Famous last words:

Seriously, what could be the risk of a highly publicized outdoors test of a secret formula worth millions??

That's a lot of detail for one small caption. "Outlaw ex-munitions maker?" "$3,000,000, ranch house?!?" Maybe he needs to evil, to pay off the mortgage on that place...

Oh, and PRO-TIP: don't carry the secret formula with you during the experiment, because...

Of course, the parents die...but not baby Roger!

But he's far from safe, as he immediately launches into his second-season-24-Kim Bauer impression:


Fortunately, we've got a grizzled old prospector nearby, dagnabit!



So, Nugget Ned of course decides to raise the tyke for his own. And of course, we soon discover the secret to rearing children--let 'em play with wildlife, unsupervised!!

Oh, and he gets really good at the bow, too.


"Nugget Ned has little need for the gold he finds?!?!?!" What, this is a hobby for him?? This is a world where gold has no value?? What the hell??

Also...gold would make a fairly lousy arrow head. I'm just sayin'...

And, if that weren't already cool enough, Roger finds and tames the greatest stallion in the West.

Well, we get the inevitable deathbed confession...

And Roger takes off for revenge, just as Braddock is about to hand off the formula to his twin sons:

Bronk and Brute?!? BRONK and BRUTE?!?! What the...?

I show you this next panel, for one reason only:

How cool is it to have a secret button to summon cowboy henchmen?!?

Sadly for said henchmen, there is a reason why chaps are a bad idea at a superhero rumble:

Golden Arrow retrieves the formula, gets away without killing anybody (!), rides off into the sunset (seriously), and anonymously donates the formula to the U.S. government:

Of course, the development of the modern air force made your pappy's invention completely obsolete, but thanks anyway...

So what do we have here? A crazy mash-up of comic origin cliches...except this was early 1940, so they weren't cliches yet!! The murdered parents, the grizzled prospector, the deathbed revelation of his true parentage, the evil millionaire, the secret scientific formula, the hangin' out with animals...it's a delightful fully-stuffed origin, isn't it?

There's also the question of time-period. Some dialogue clearly places the story between WWI & WWII...but he's gallivanting around an Old West with Indians and prospectors, with no sign of electricity and telephones, and a press that's still amazed by dirigible technology. Things are further confused by a later team-up with Captain Marvel and Spy Smasher...Let's just say it takes place in its own special era, shall we?

Bill Parker's script is richer than many in the day, more complex and fuller, chock full of little details that many contemporary writers would never have thought to put in. A prospector with little need for gold? Wild...Greg Duncan's art, while cruder and more rushed than what we're used to today, was pretty impressive for the times...he's great on faces, and is almost impressionistic in some of the backgrounds and scenery.

Golden Arrow hung around in Whiz Comics for more than 13 years, and even had his own book for about 5 seconds. Yet even since the DC Borg Collective assimilated the Fawcett characters, there hasn't been a single sighting of Golden Arrow. Not a background appearance in an All-Star Squadron luncheon, not a glimpse during an Earth-S crossover, nothing. And let's face it--if you were a WWII-era hero and Roy Thomas didn't find a way to use you for even a cameo, that's serious comic book limbo.

So here's the pitch. This dude was orphaned, kidnapped by a mountain lion, raised by a playboy prospector, rides around on the best horse ever and shoots arrows made of gold (take that, Hal Jordan!), is the son of a scientific genius, and is in the Old West during WWII. That's gotta be worth at least a 6-issue mini-series, right? Hey, DC, if it helps, have him turn out to be Roy Harper's long-lost great-uncle or something...

Yeah, we've got too many damn archers already. But Golden Arrow was the first, and in lots of ways, the best and most imaginative. I don't need Simon or Paula for this one--DC, bring back Golden Arrow!!!

The Hollywood Shuffle

Just asking:

If all Bendis characters essentially "sound" the same in their dialogue (and they do)...

...And if Bendis can write characters of Canadian, Russian, East European, Greek, and gosh-knows-where-else origins without having to phonetically spell out their accents in the word balloons...

...Then why, exactly, is it that when a non-Caucasian person shows up...

...we're suddenly in cartoon stereotype dialect country? What is this, Jive Time Jimmy's Revenge?

Once more, with feeling:

Oh, dear...Perhaps Jericho Drumm has been attending Black Acting School...

Sweet Christmas, that panel comes from this week's New Avengers #53.

Friday Night Fights--Idioth Style!!

Wow.

So Spacebooger is actually going to make us work this round of Friday Night Fights, huh? It's G7, bitches, which means the fights have got to be musicified.

Well, I predict that by Round 12, we'll be straining our songbooks a bit.

But for this initial round, well, watch out...because we've got Hulk vs. The Abomination in a face-smashing brawl, brought to you by The Arabian Rap Sensation (their description, not mine)--GROUP X!! Groove along to their face-smashing hit, Idioth!! Rock out, boys:


Here's a couponette for a Punch To The Face

I hate you so much I take your mother on a date
and telling her she's paying and I'm eating five steaks
Come and get a Punch To The Face

Time for to get a Punch To The Face

Oh, look, a Punch To The Face

Come to get a Punch To Your Face

Guess what? It's time for a Punch To The Face

So, please take a letter for a Punch To The Face
Nothing could be better than a Punch To The Face

Have another Punch To You Face

GO TELL YOUR MOTHER YOU GOT PUNCHED IN DA FACE!!


Face-smashing from Bruce Jones and Mike Deodato Jr. in Incredible Hulk #54 (2003). Check out below for the full lyrics and "video" to Idioth.



Lyrics | Group X - Idioth lyrics

Tales From The Quarter Bin--I Am A Mighty Hunter/Gatherer

What did I find today, trolling the depths of the voluminous quarter bins at my local comics shoppe??

Why, nothing much....

...just a complete run of Jon Sable Freelance...

...a complete run of Manhunter...

...and one of my most-lusted after comics EVER:

It's good to be alive, is all I'm sayin'.

Spring Has Sprung, And Love Is In The Air

Two characters who certainly should have gotten together:

Bentley Wittman, a.k.a. the Wingless Wizard...

...and Agatha Harkness.

I mean, just look at those two...it's a match made in heaven!!

Let's take one more look:


And just think of the lovely children they would have!!

Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" was inspired by these drawings from Fantastic Four #94 (1970), by Kirby and Sinnott.

The Fourth Member--Poor Background Check

Oh, you wacky Frightful Four.

Here at Slay Monstrobot, we've been examining the efforts of three perpetual losers to find a fourth member who would, in the Wizard's own words, make them an "exact evil counterpart" to the Fantastic Four.

To that purpose, they went out and found Medusa, who had amnesia at the time, and made three separate runs at the FF over a 6 month period. In each case, they used the element of surprise to win initially, but they just couldn't close the deal. In the last showdown, Medusa got away while the others were finally captured.

So, it's now 5 years later (our time). While the Frightful Four were rotting away in prison, the Fantastic Four stepped up their game, whooping on Galactus, taking down a cosmic-powered (stolen, but still) Doctor Doom, fending off Annihilus, dealing with an infant Adam Warlock, and saving the world from Tomazooma. You can't mess with these guys now.

But the Wizard has actually picked a good time to attack: the FF is concerned with family matters, namely, finding child care for Franklin:

But where is the Trapster? And whom will they choose for the fourth member this time?!? Both of these questions are answered in the next panel:

But...but...wait...I mean...

Yes, I know. In the intervening 51 issues, Medusa has clearly joined the side of the angels. She recovered from her amnesia, revealed herself as a member of the Royal Family of Attilan (not to mention being Black Bolt's main squeeze), and a staunch ally of the Fantastic Four. Hell, Johnny Storm is even going out with her sister!!!

So, Wizard, what the hell? It's not like Medusa was exactly low-profile over the past few years. Was super-genius Wizard too busy to actually pay attention to the news? Didn't anyone in the super-villain underworld mention to any of them, "You know that chick with the crazy hair you used to run with? She's good now!"??? Oh, you lovable losers...

So, Reed & Sue & Ben & Johnny trundle "upstate" with infant Franklin to check out Agatha Harkness' daycare center, and spend the night. So it's time for the Frightful ones to strike!!




Well, Ben's down, and pretty easily, too. What about Johnny?


He's down quicker than Jose Canseco in a MMA match (hey, I got the topical references!).

That leaves Reed & Sue. And believe it or not, the Trapster will take them both out...by himself!



That last panel, by the way, is the coolest coloring error ever (& kinda gross)!!

Now, as you may have noticed, Medusa didn't lift a follicle during this whole affair. You would think that this would give the bad guys a clue, but noooo...

Which means, of course, that's it's time for the "surprise" betrayal:



And after a teeny bit of gratuitous sexism from Paste-Pot Pete...

...Medusa is easily taken down.

So much for your master plan, lady. Couldn't you have picked up the phone to warn Reed or something??

It should be noted here that the Frightful Four...or, rather, Three...actually win here! The three of them take down all four of the FF, plus Medusa, and barely work up a sweat!! Geez, guys, maybe you never really needed a fourth member. Game over!!

But, of course, they've made one tragic error. They choose to stage this little ambush in Agatha Harkness' house. Oops.





Yup. All three taken down by illusions (or magic...it's never terribly clear). Once again, the Frightful Four have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Sigh...beaten by a witch.

(Of course, one has to ask, if she's really so badass, how did the Wizard et al infiltrate her house in the first place? Unless she wanted them to incapacitate the FF, so then she could prove how useful she was by whooping them, as an incentive for Reed and Sue to hire her? Hmmm, Agatha, you crafty old biddy!!)

This was pretty much the height of the Wizard's group's success. From here, it's all downhill...as we'll see next week, when the Frightful Four find a new fourth member...and are actually taken down by just one member of the FF. But oh, that fourth member...

The Frightful Four get taken out by Endora in Fantastic Four #94, the first issue of the 1970s!! By, of course, Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, and Joe Sinnott

Manic Monday--Ballerina Yanks

When you get a big, action-packed, virile cover like this...

...than this is exactly the kind of advertisement you expect to find inside the cover:

Yup, a manly toy, perfect for the audience of your explosive action-filled war comics.

Of course, if they had just added a "J"...

...they would have had the most perfect toy ever!!

Yanks In Battle #4 is from 1956.

Golden Age Idol--Madam Fatal!!

As we've surfed the lengths and breadths of obscure Golden age heroes to revive (and make a mint on, because a lot of them are public domain now), we've seen foppish artists, ultra-pseudoscience (and FIRE-APES!!), and...well, Airmale and Stampy.

But we've never seen anything quite like...MADAM FATAL!!!

As we discuss Madam Fatal's pros and cons, let's play a little game...can you, dear reader, guess what Madam Fatal's secret powers are?

We first encounter the Madam in Crack Comics #1 (1940), in a story written and drawn by Art Pinajian.

She's just a kindly old neighbor...

...who wanders into a gangster flick...

But when the toughs show up, Madam Fatal steps up!



Hmmm, now can you guess Madam Fatal's superpowers, readers?

Madam F heads home, but has no time to help Johnny with his homework...

No, Madam Fatal must consult with Hamlet, her Shakespeare quoting parrot:

Anyhow, Fatal is ready to confront our crime boss, and comes up with the most cockamamie scheme in the world:

A) Let yourself get hit by the villain's car, and hope you're not seriously injured, and...

B) Hope the villain takes you to his home, rather than to the hospital (or just leaving you to die).

OK, so Madame Fatal's superpower isn't a twelfth-level computer mind. But it's your last chance, reader...can YOU guess Madam Fatal's secret superpower???

Once ensconced in the crime boss' home, we get the big reveal:


That's right, Madam Fatal's secret power is...CROSS-DRESSING!!!!!!

Famous stage actor and make-up master Richard Stanton is really Madam Fatal!! But how did this come about?

Please continue, ma'am...uhh, sir:

Let's see...you didn't tell the police, the police got nowhere, and your wife died as a result of a broken heart?!? So, since we're discussing responsibility...are you admitting that your own stupid ego killed your wife, Stanton?!?

Geez...nine years undercover as a woman...and the whole time it was your own stubborn pride. Harsh...especially since you don't realize the irony.

Anyway, there's a struggle, and of course the killer dies exactly one syllable before giving up the important information:

So, after all this, we can stop the cross-dressing?

OF COURSE NOT!!

That's it, folks...Madam Fatal is an old man who dresses up like an old woman to fight crime. And you thought Airmale was a wuss...

Someone must have liked her, though, as she was a feature performer in Crack Comics for over 2 years.

She was assimilated, along most of the rest of the Quality characters, by the DC Borg Collective, but as far as I can tell her only "appearance" in mainstream DC continuity is a brief reference (ie, "joke") in one issue of JSA. She made a one panel cameo in the Elseworlds "The Golden Age." And that's it.

But think of the possibilities...as much publicity as DC got over the lesbian Batwoman, think how much free ink they could generate with a cross-dressing hero?!? In fact, since we don't know who the new Batgirl is yet...well, what if it was just a guy DRESSED as a girl, and Batgirl was really Richard Stanton?!? And then we have the new Dynamic Duo of a lesbian AND a cross-dresser?!?

OK, it was just an idea. What do you think, Randy?!?

Hmmm...as per usual, I have no idea what in the world you're trying to say. So, we're going to call this a judge's save...and against all odds, Madam Fatal continues to the next round!!!

Any final thoughts?!?

Hahahaha, you silly Shakespeare quoting parrot...

Doin' The Dozens With Stan

We all know Stan Lee as the jovial carnival barker, the fan-friendly pitchman who was desperate to make every reader feel like part of the big Marvel family.

But if you got over-persnickety, Stan knew how to slip the shiv between your ribs while giving you the big Excelsior bear-hug.

Case in point, Incredible Hulk #6 (1963). Letters page. A fan who wasn't at all impressed with Hulk #4:

Yeah!! How come, Stan?

Dude...Stan Lee just called you a kook and a psychopath and ridiculous.

Sure, he smiled, and sort of complimented you...while he slipped the shiv in. The best part? The guy was probably so thrilled to get his letter printed, that he probably didn't even notice.

Lesson:

DON'T F#$% WITH STAN!!

Wishes

Why I Wish Jonathan Hickman Had Written Secret Wars (I and II):

Strangely enough, that's also why I can't wait for him to take over the regular Fantastic Four...please please please let this Millar madness end ASAP, Marvel...

Hickman and Sean Chen rock my world in Dark Reign: Fantastic Four #3.

Prequel

So, do you remember that part of the Wanted movie that was about "bending" bullets? (editor's note--what do you mean "that part?" That was the whole freakin' movie!!!)

Shut up. Anyway, do you remember that part? Well, the Human Torch beat them to it by 70 years:

And Torchy didn't need any nonsense about the "Loom of Fate." I'm just sayin'.

And remember, folks, they're not called comic books...

From now on they're "Picture-Action Stories!" Tell everyone you know.

Panels from this week's Marvel Mystery Comics 70th Anniversary Special #1, reprinting a story from Marvel Mystery Comics #4 (1940) by Carl Burgos.

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Rima #7

Man, If I had read this as a kid, I might have been seriously traumatized--maybe even enough to actually behave better.

Let's start with a great Joe Kubert cover:

Followed by a not-quite so impressive bear drawn by Nestor Redondo:

I kid, Nester, I kid...no one draws better bears than Kubert...

Rima and her Aryan hunk boyfriend Abel come running, and Abel's just not sensitive to the bear's needs:

It turns out the boy is named Cecil, and he's accompanying his rich, jaded mum on a South African safari:

Rima stalks off because she senses "foreboding evil," and we find out that, for once, a 1970's DC cover didn't lie to us:

Belted a bear cub unconscious?!? From now on, you're Cecil Boone!!

Ida, even though she's married, occupies herself with seducing Abel, apparently not worried about catching whatever jungle STDs he might have picked up from Rima:

Cecil Boone, however, is feeling neglected and hurt by his mother's flagrant flirting:

Can you say Oedipus, anyone? Well, Cecil Boone decides to act out on his spurned mother-lust:


OK, he's a homophobe as well as a dickweed...And I know officially apologize for my crack about Redondo's bear:

Fortunately, Rima leaps in to save the day...

But that night, Cecil Boone escalates his Hannibal Lecter tendencies...


True Jungle Fact: Crocodiles hate gasoline:

Let's see...mother issues, tortures animals...what's left on the future serial killer's checklist?

Oh, right, firebug!! Congratulations Cecil Ted Bundy Boone...you've made it!!

Unsurprisingly, the fire gets out of hand, reaching the shoreline and threatening the camp. And Mother realizes that maybe, just maybe, a cuckoo had flown over Cecil's nest:

Fortunately, Rima shows up again, to save the day:


Uh, Rima, wasn't the water filled with pissed-off crocodiles??

Yes. Oh yes.

There you have it, folks...our hero does nothing, just sits there and watches while Cecil becomes Gator Bait, eaten up between panels...doesn't lift a finger. But it's OK, you see, because he really just murdered himself!!

C 'mon Robert Kanigher...sure, Cecil was 3/4 of the way to Charles Manson...but this was 1975. You call the story "The Imp," you present him basically as just a rascally Dennis the Menace...did you have to let him die, and so gruesomely? Jeez, he was 10 years old! Especially since later, you acknowledge his "evil" was due in part to how he raised:

The real finale of our story? Abel is turned on by watching children eaten by crocodiles:

After reading this tale of implied adultery, animal torture, and child murder, I had to double check the cover:

Yup, there it is. Look, kids--comics!!

Bonus postscript:

Rima is one of the only comics that would not look better as black-and-white?? Well, Steve Lambey must really love the DC Showcase phone books, then!!

This was the final issue of Rima. No animals were harmed in making this blogpost. Kids--don't pour gasoline on crocodiles, or you'll end up as dinner.

Hide The Children And The Animals

Once the Borg Collective--oops, DC Comics--got their hands on the reprints rights for The Spirit, you knew it was only a matter of time until they began running original Spirit stories.

Well, that turned out surprisingly OK. Darwyn Cooke's run received pretty good notices, was generally enjoyable, and all in all did just about as well as anyone could hope to do producing book length stories in the 21st century based on an 1940s 8-page weekly newspaper comic.

After Cooke moved on, other writers and artists took over, mostly to "meh" results. Nothing as disastrous as the Frank Miller movie, mind you. Just no particularly inspiring stuff. (I myself dropped it several months ago).

So now the series shudders and gasps it's way to the final issue in August...well, just read the solicit for yourselves:

THE SPIRIT #32
Written by Mike Ploog
Art by Mike Ploog & Dan Green
Cover by Gene Ha
“The Celtic Stone” concludes! The U.S. Army, the mystical Cormac and the beautiful Adios are all fighting to control the powerful Celtic Stone, and only one can walk away with it! Eisner colleague Mike Ploog wraps up his dizzying 2-parter – and the current volume of THE SPIRIT – with a bang...
but stay tuned for a radical reinvention that will leave you breathless!
FINAL ISSUE • On sale August 5 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Well, goodbye, Spir--hey, wait a minute!! Let's look at that final sentence again:

...but stay tuned for a radical reinvention that will leave you breathless!

Oh. My. God.

This is gonna get pretty ugly, isn't it?

"Radical reinvention?" Holy schnikes, that's can't be any good, can it?!?

Is The Spirit going to enter the DC Universe proper? Perhaps a back-up series in someone else's mag?

You know, given the timing...Jesus, if Geoff Johns ressurects Denny Colt in Blackest Night, why I'm gonna...

Still, I wouldn't have minded (and it would have made for an infinitely better story) if The Spirit had won the Battle For The Cowl...

I know there's no team, no content, no direction announced yet. But coy references to "radical reinventions" scare the hell outta me...Stay tuned...

UPDATE: As Anonymous posted below, our "radical reinvention" is going to involve a number of pulp properties teaming up. From this week's DC Nation (emphasis added):

Not only do I see Doc Savage and the Avenger standing side by side, but I see dark nights in in Doc's future and his closest friends taking flight with some ebony birds. And I see the Avenger in new cities facing new mystery men--if, of course, the spirit is willing.

So there we have it. Hardly what I'd call radical reinvention...at least based on what we know so far. But it could be fun. Is Dark Knights a Batman reference, though? Or The Shadow?

Manic Monday--Win Lots Of Prizes...What The F$%^?!?

Why, look, another one of the adorable ads getting children to sell something cheap and useless so they can "win" cheap and useless toys...

See, just like Grit or seeds or greeting cards....

Hey, wait a minute!!

Holy Jack Chick, Batman!! You mean God is gonna give me roller skates, or a ukulele, or a Gabby Hayes fishing kit, or guns & arrows, or...I mean, if I'd known that, I'd have turned out real different, let me tell you...

So what the Father Mulcahey is going on here?


Ahhh...still just selling stuff. "Religious Wall Motto Plaques" instead of seeds or Grit. But still getting children to move your crap for you. Because your "friends and neighbors" are obviously the sinners responsible for today's ills.

Bonus cheap irony--the ad is on the back cover of:

That's right...a 1950s horror mag. This Magazine Is Haunted #17 (1954), hosted by "Dr. Death." Perhaps the best place to find kids willing to sell Christian trinkets...let's see, the lead story is about an actor who makes a deal with the devil to get his bloody revenge on the studio executives who wronged him. And then there's story about the cuckolded husband who poisons his wife and her lover in the jungle, and sells their bodies to headhunters. Or the man captured by vampiric mannequins (really!), is turned into a mannequin himself, and melted in the furnace.

Ah, Steve Ditko, you magnificent bastard....

Extra bonus research!! The address on the coupon--The FUNman, 4545 N. Clark, Chicago--this is what's there today:


View Larger Map
So....good....indeed!!!

...And It Was All A Dream...

...continuing the walkback of Final Crisis to "Elseworlds" status, here's Dan DiDio interviewed by Newsarama:

16. A quick clarification on the status of the Hawks – the seemed to have died in Final Crisis, but in Blackest Night #0, they’re alive and well...

DD: What happened was that during the whole integration of the Multiverse in Final Crisis where we saw a version of Aquaman appearing from another Earth, so was the case with the Hawkman and Hawkgirl that met their fate in Final Crisis. That said, the Hawks are very prominently featured in Blackest Night #1, and are very much alive at the start of that book.

So, have you got your checklists handy? Inserted a two-page epilogue into the last issue of Final Crisis so we would know that Batman wasn't really dead? Check. Insist that it wasn't really the "real" Aquaman we saw in FC #7? Check. Inform us that it wasn't "our" Hawkman and Hawkgirl who died? Check. Made sure that not a single continuing DC series so much as mentions the events of Final Crisis (uh, the Daily Planet building blew up? Lois in a coma? Alpha Lanterns infiltrated by Granny Goodness? Martian Manhunter's death not even mentioned in an issue of JLA? Anybody?? Anything???) CHECK.

For whatever reason, DiDio seems intent on turning "The Day Evil Won" into "The Day That Had Absolutely Zero Impact On The DC Universe."

So, everybody out there who thought that Secret Invasion would have far more impact on its universe than Final Crisis, raise your hand...

Deal Of The Century

It's a wonderful thing when two of one's obsessions are joined together in one package. Namely, James Bond and comics.



More specifically, the Daily Express James Bond comic strips, which ran from 1958 through 1983 in England (with a hiccup here or there). They're adaptations of Ian Fleming's novels, rather than the films...in fact, most were published well before the film versions of those same stories. Eventually, they ran out of Fleming stories, and branched off into all original tales. You can read much more about their history and chronology here or here.

These were strips about about James Bond the spy, not James Bond the cartoon super agent. Numerous writers and artists worked on the adaptations and originals, including Peter O'Donnell prior to his Modesty Blaise work. They were a grittier, more realistic Bond than we're used too, as well as a good example of an art form that has since died out, at least in America: the daily adventure comic strip.

The good news is, Titan Books has done an splendid job of releasing the strips in the U.S. The bad news is, it's damnably expensive to collect them all.

But the ultra-good news is, starting in September, Titan will begin releasing them in Omnibus editions. The first one consists of their first 3 collections: Casino Royale, Dr. No, and Goldfinger. To purchase those individually on Amazon would run you about $45. To get the omnibus? $10.17. Winnage.

So if you're interested in Bond, or in classic adventure comic strips, happy days are here again.

The Fourth Member--Medusa, Pt 2

As we saw yesterday, Medusa was the first fourth member of the dreaded Frightful Four. And, well, she maybe was the most powerful of the group of nineteen-time losers. Although, aside from flipping a light switch with her hair and getting the drop on Susan Storm twice, she wasn't actually all that effective.

After attacking the FF twice over three issues, the Wizard's supergroup took a couple of issues off...and then blitzed back into action three issues later, in a patented Lee/Kirby 3-parter.

We start with Medusa showing that, yeah, maybe she really is the most powerful:

Of course, we have to take this with a grain of sand, because Sandman has been beaten by a vacuum cleaner. Still, she's layin' down the law. Result: Sandman ends up with a crush on her, and starts jawing at anybody who pays any attention to her. Oh, Flint Marko, you're so cute...

This is also the issue in which Paste-Pot Pete (chuckle) changes his name to The Trapster...because, well, because anything would be better than Paste-Pot Pete.

The Wizard decides to try a new tack, and once again violate his "equivalent to the Fantastic Four" rule. He captures the Thing, and using his "Id Machine," converts him to evil, making it 5 on 3...and conveniently, he only obeys the Wizard's orders. As in, "Shock the frak out of Medusa so everyone will know who is the boss around here."

Who's the most powerful now, Medusa?!?

Now, you'd think that after two attacks in a space of days, Reed Richards would have made the Baxter Building Frightful Four-proof. No such luck, as they invade more easily than moles infiltrating CTU.

But finally, we see some hint of cerebral activity from Sue, as she finally realizes that maybe Medusa shouldn't always be cleaning her clock:

Sadly, though, it's all for naught, as the Thing's presence immediately turns the tide against the Fantastic Three. They're captured, and all appears doomed, until...could Medusa be tempted to the side of right by the power of handsomeness??

Do it!! Do it!! Free him!!!

D'oh!! (Although, bonus points to Stan and Jack for avoiding the cliche this one time, even though it meant invoking the "don't be weak and feminine" meme).

Anyway, they use the Id Machine on the captured Human Torch, and even though it doesn't work on him, he pretends it does. Which sets up some final issue fighting/romance between Johnny and Medusa. First, she shows that she can take him out...


Yes, folks, the Human Torch was taken down by a chick with wet hair. Embarrassing.

But her gets his own back when he dries off:

Then she proves that the Trapster really could beat the Torch, if her weren't an incompetent buffoon:

Not surprisingly, Reed manages to cure Ben, the tide turns, the Frightful Four are captured...except for Medusa, who makes a Spider-Man like getaway:

Yet the Torch has a chance to stop her...but will he?


Oh, poor Johnny...maybe she has a hot sister who would be into you.

So ends Medusa's time as part of the Frightful Four. She was not teriffically effective, but then again, none of the were. And she made pretty much all the nearby males act goofy for her, which counted for something in 1965. The very next issue she end up reunited with her Inhuman family, her memory just as mysteriously regained as it had been lost.

And the rest our the Four? She bailed, but they're jailed. We'll here a peep or two from them, minor jailbreaks and such, but the full villainy of The Frightful Four won't be back for 50 issues or so. And who would they turn to for their new fourth member? Stayed tuned, true believer...

The titanic trilogy of terror tormented us in Fantastic Four #41-43 (1965), by Lee, Kirby, and Vince Coletta.

The Fourth Member--Medusa!! Pt 1

OK, OK, I know I promised this a couple of months ago...what can I say? Mike Zeck interrupted us, and then things kinda wandered off. But I'm back on track now!

We've been looking the the Frightful Four and their never ending quest for that fourth member. We saw how three second banana villains decided, somehow, that the time was ripe to team up and take on the Fantastic Four.

So whom did they choose for the fourth member of their quadumvirate?

Someone more powerful than any of them?!? (Snort). Really?

Well, Jack Kirby had already spoiled it with his cover:

Really...Medusa...with crazy prehensile hair...might be more dangerous than any of you? And you're going to take on the FF? Perhaps, instead of Wingless Wizard, he should have called himself Witless Wizard.

I should note that this was the first ever appearance of Medusa...and at this point we knew nothing about the Inhumans. We later learn that she had amnesia from a blow to the head whilst escaping from Maximus the Mad...which, of course, automatically means you take up a life of crime.

Somehow the Wizard tracks down Medusa hiding on a Mediterranean isle:

So he recruits her, and puts her into super-villain gear:

It's good to see that Wizard's costume designing skills are the equal of his evil super-genius skills.

So they go to attack the FF at the Baxter Building, wherein Medusa demonstrates why her power is so awesome:

Yes, she can turn off light switches. With her hair. Remember, this was a decade before the Clapper! Which, I guess does indeed make her more powerful than her teammates.

But she does have her uses, like tying up Susan Storm from behind.


This story, however, establishes the pattern for virtually ALL future Frightful Four stories: the Frightful ones ambush and capture the FF, stand around gloating, one of the FF does something clever and exciting to escape, and without the advantage of surprise, the FF handily win the second battle. In this case, the evil-doers attacked while the Human Torch was away (so it was four on three...so much for being "their exact evil counterpart,", Wizard). Upon his return, the tides quickly turned. And how did Medusa fare?

Yup...taken out by an invisible paste gun. Pretty sad. And yet, Sue is still convinced how menacing she is:

Well, the villains escape at the last minute thanks to some off-panel shenanigans...but they return a mere two issues later. Once again, they strike via surprise.

Note to Sue--you saw her only 2 issues ago. Sure, she had a mask on then, but how many 6'5" women with 6 feet of long red hair who speak with a haughty Inhuman accent do you think are out there?

Wait a minute!! This is the second time in a row we get a reference to the Wizard designing women's fashions!! What the hell are you trying to tell us, Stan?!?

Oh, and also for the second time in a row, Sue gets pwned. By hair. Sigh...

Well, this issue's capture/escape/get whooped/flee story isn't that much different than two issues ago. Medusa doesn't even get much to do...except cower in fear because the Wizard lets her drive!!

So, that's the first part of Medusa's tenure as a charter member of the Frightful Four. Not a lot of success to report, but even as an amnesiac, she's learned one of the first rules of success--surround yourself with incompetents, so you look better by comparison!!

Tomorrow (and I mean it this time!!): the second half of Medusa's membership in the Frightful Four, wherein we learn that Medusa is hot for Reed, Johnny is hot for Medusa, and Sue really can learn from experience!!

Blistering battle scenes from Fantastic Four # 36 & 38 (1965) by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, and Chic Stone

Everything Old Is New Again

Amongst the things Silver Age DC covers are famous for are A) Giant monkeys, and B) being a tad bit deceptive in describing the actual contents of the comic (the late Silver Age DC was really bad at this...).

But of course, DC didn't originate these trends. Presenting Fox's Wonder Comics #2 (1939):

Obviously, giant-ass monkey. With a fainted woman and and uprooted tree for bonus points.

And while I love the Lou Fine cover, nothing remotely resembling this scene happens in the comic. No ape whatsoever, giant or otherwise.

On the plus side, the story does feature...

...grotesque hunchbacked dwarves shooting blunted arrows at sorcerers, and...

...an intensely homoerotic astral plane battle between the good sorcerer and the evil sorcerer. Funny...I don't seem to remember Strange and Mordo ever losing their shirts and engaging in Greco-Roman wrestling in their battles...

Still, all in all, I'd rather see Yarko hypnotizing giant monkeys.

Manic Monday--The Underwear That Dare Not Speak Its Name

Remember the days when comic book ads featured mens' girdles?

See, we call it The Commander because no red-blooded American male would be caught dead buying a girdle...

It is indeed a shame that our comics no longer feature these ads, because these things sound like the bees' knees:

All hail The Commander!!

I've even learned a new euphemism:

The "corporation?" Oh, you crazy 1940's cats.

Here's something really, really disquieting:

So they can wear the Commander on their sweaty, flabby body for ten days...and then return it?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ad from Atomic Bomb #1 (1946).

Star Trek: A Contrarian Viewpoint

At least Ryan Reynolds wasn't in it...

Well, the results are in, and approximately one billion percent of critics and viewers gave a huge thumbs up to the new (numberless and subtitle-less) Star Trek film. Which leaves me in the distinct minority.

OK, let me be clear...I'm not giving it a thumbs down. But it's a movie I'm fairly divided about. As a mindless summer rock 'em sock 'em CGI adventure film, it's a fun enough ride. But as a Star Trek film...not so much.

I'll discuss why, but man, I'm going to spoil the frak out of this film. And if you haven't seen it yet, there are indeed some surprises you don't want to have spoiled--trust me. So if you haven't seen it yet...don't read this. After the plethora of Trek photo below, there be SPOILERS.

Who knew Arena took place on Vulcan?? SPOILERS COMING!!

SPOILERS? I relish them?!?

What do you mean my shirt never ripped the entire movie?!?

Scotty--not drunk yet, just annoying comedy relief!!!

Last chance!! SPOILERS commencing in 3

2

1

SPOILERS

The review that comes closest to catching my viewpoint comes from Christopher Orr in The New Republic. He seems to share my ambivalence, thinking "yeah, it was fun, but..." Allow to me quote form his concluding paragraph:

Yet, for all the amusement Star Trek provides, it's hard to shake the sense that something has been lost in translation. Abrams's film is in some ways a throwback not to the original series, but further still to the pulpy exploits of Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers, in which sneering villains were forever threatening to blow up the heroes' home planets. Gene Roddenberry's original "Trek" aimed higher than such space opera, toward the moral, political, and technological sophistication of Asimov, Heinlein, and Clarke. It didn't always succeed--and, when it did, it wasn't always terribly exciting--but it was something new, and important, in the pop-cultural universe. For his rookie outing at least, Abrams has focused on simpler cinematic diversions. There's no question that his Star Trek radically revitalizes the franchise; but it does so in part by setting aside what distinguished the show in the first place.

Amen. This film isn't "about" anything, except putting the band back together, or together for the first time, or whatever...

That's why it has no subtitle--it's not really about anything. It's as if J.J. Abrams, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman had never actually seen any Star Trek...they knew the character archetypes from the cultural genetic memory, but couldn't be bothered to actually realize that Star Trek is generally something more than whiz bang battle scenes. The only theme of this movie is "yay, we're rebooting the franchise!" Shallow indeed.

And considering that the only goal we have is to reboot the franchise, to make it more "accessible" to everybody in the 21st century and get the kids and blah blah blah...considering how much Paramount et al have riding on this and how unambitious the storytelling goal is, we get one of the most godawful scripts ever to grace Trek. Maybe not Spock's Brain bad...but at least Omega Glory bad.

[Let me emphasize, I'm not kvetching about the reboot itself. I've said my piece about that, and I mourn the fact that Star Trek is no longer a forward-looking franchise. But I've come to grips with the fact. No, my complaints are all focused on how clumsily and stupid the actual execution of said reboot was. ]

Let's begin with the fact that, in the most crucial Trek film in, say, ever, the writers couldn't be bothered to come up with an actual villain. I've seen this film twice now, and I swear that Nero has no more than 2 minutes of screen time. Seriously. I'll bring a stop watch next time. He's barely in the movie. He's a non-entity, a MacGuffin who's not fleshed out in the least. Add that to the fact that the bizarre decision to make him look EXACTLY like all his Romulan cohorts, and that the script doesn't give him even one quasi-memorable line, and Nero is easily the most ineffectual, forgettable villain in Star Trek history. And that includes Insurrection.

And the more I see Eric Bana, the more I'm convinced that maybe acting shouldn't be his day job. I'm just saying.

OK, so the villain is lame...what about his plan? Assuming that an audience member hasn't read the movie prequel comic from IDW, all they get a brief whip-cut-try-to-follow-along-flashback/exposition-via-mindmeld sequence that does a hideous job of actually explaining anything. In theory, they've been building up suspense for 2/3 of the movie, waiting for an explanation of who Nero is and what his plan is. And what we're given is completely ridiculous and nonsensical. Why does Nero blame Spock? Where do Nero and the huge Ship O' Death hang out for 25 years? Why is a mining ship essentially tougher than the Death Star? Does Nero have any motivation besides "Grrr, I'm nuts?"

And instead of answering any of the questions, we're given the film equivalent of the Federal Express guy reading the Oscar rules. We're firmly into Snell's First Law of Movies: If the creators themselves can't be bothered to actually care about the plot of their movie, why should we?

You know what else really amazes me? How many of the reviews about this film claim that it eschews "technobabble." What a crock. Red Matter? Trans-warp teleportation formulas? A single supernova that (somehow) threatens to destroy the entire galaxy? A drill whose operation somehow interrupts communications and transporters (but not Nero's communications!?!) That's the very definition of technobabble--pseudoscience that's necessary to set up the plot, which can only be resolved with more pseudoscience. And this movie is technobabbliscious, in spades. The plot and resolution DO NOT EXIST without technobabble.

So why does everybody say the movie doesn't rely on technobabble? That's Snell's Second Law of Movies: people only complain about "technobabble" when they already dislike the movie. If they like the movie, they just let the pseudoscience slide by, not even noticing it. So technobabble is never really the problem, its just an excuse for bitching by those who can't think how to express their artistic likes and dislikes.

OK, we have a nonexistent villain, terrible plot, and technobabble out the ass. So what do Abrams and Orci and Kurtzman give us? Simple: they latch on to Wrath Of Khan like a remora, recycling bits of that movie with the glee of Manfred Mann pillaging Bruce Springsteen's back catalog. Let's see what we've got. A) Of course, we've got to revisit Kirk's cheating the Kobayashi Maru; B) We've got an emergency and the fleet is elsewhere (and they don't even bother to give you a reason why.."just because I said so") so we have to send out a ship full of cadets; C) Our villain puts a Ceti Alpha eel--oops, a Centauri eel--into a Star Fleet officer's body to control his brain to get information; D) Let's trot out the "I have always been, and shall always be, your friend" line again, because apparently Spock has a very limited supply of sentences with which he can express friendship; E) the scene of the Enterprise rising out of the mist is pretty much a straight re-do of the same shot of the Enterprise rising out of the nebula mists behind the Reliant; F) Let's reprise the "You lied. I exaggerated" bit one more time...I could go on. Our creators have Khan-envy pretty bad; too bad they have none of the writing talent of Nicholas Meyer et al.

Well, how about the characters? For all the talk of a reboot, all the talk of a fresh start, we get...well, exactly the same characters we've always had. Or rather, the vague outlines. Sure, they give Kirk daddy issues...but the end result is still the same cocky womanizer we've always had. Hey, Sulu knows fencing...oh, wait, we already knew that. Hey, Spock had a conflicted childhood...or, wait, we already knew that, and in fact even the animated series did a better job of expressing that. Hey, Uhura is ultra competent at communications...but we already knew that, and in TOS Spock told her "no one was better equipped." McCoy? We learn nothing new about him (note to Karl Urban: slavishly imitating DeForest Kelley's cadences and intonations does not actually equal "acting.") Chekov? Well, they made him magically good at transporters (why is he better than the people who are assigned to transporters? Never explained...except to give Chekov something to do). Scotty? Well, a love for food replaces the love for booze, but otherwise there's no note here that wasn't hit before. Seriously, aside from Kirk's backstory and Spock and Uhura making the beast with two backs, there's not one original character note here, not one thing that's any different than we've already been told multiple times in TOS or the earlier movies. Repeating tidbits from TOS might make for nice fan service, but it's not characterization.

Consider this: would anybody have been enthused about the reboot of Battlestar: Galactica if they had just made Starbuck and Apollo and Adama exactly the same as before, just with younger actors?? Well, that's what they give you here...a reboot without the courage to actually reboot, the same characters on prettier sets.

OK, so we get the EXACT SAME CHARACTERS (just younger & sexier), a nonexistent villain, a laughable "plot," and technobabble out the yim yam. I'm still not quite seeing how "this is not your father's Trek."

How about the insipidity of the movie trying to have it both ways? They want to show our crew as young cadets, but we somehow have to have them in their expected positions by the end of the movie. So we have Kirk graduating from the Academy and skipping straight from cadet to captain. Because that's exactly who I would want captaining my ship. Really...old Kirk made captain faster than anyone in history in TOS, but that was still too slow for this film. A cadet is intercepting and decrypting top secret Klingon broadcasts--and no one in the senior staff knows a thing about it? Scotty comes in out of "exile" and is immediately made chief engineer, regardless of rank or experience with the type of ship (of course, for that to work, they had to have the old engineer pull the stupid kamikaze stunt on the space drive...)? (And by the way...why exactly did Kirk take Scotty along with him to the Enterprise??) Chekov is better at transporters than transporter technicians?

Nope...no apprenticeship periods, no learning the ropes, no serving aboard other ships learning protocol and how to be officers--our crew is magically, instantly better at their jobs than everybody else, even though they're all about 22 years old, and are immediately promoted above thousands of others, no matter their qualifications or experience (at least we now know how Janeway made admiral...). Because our creators want them young & sexy, but they also wanted the instant gratification of getting them all back together and on the bridge as soon as humanly possible. And if you want to believe that they all came together on the flagship because they're all the best at their jobs, you're required to accept that Star Fleet had previously had the ship staffed with incompetent morons.

So on just about every level, a stupid, stupid, STUPID script. Let me ask you: if this film didn't have Star Trek as the title, and had the exact same plot and characters except not named Kirk and Spock--would anybody be gushing over it? Somehow, I suspect that if the movie were called Space Journey and featured Smith and Quimby, the reviews would be much more negative, complaining about how air-headed and and insipid it was, giving us whiz-bang CGI and explosions while giving us little character and plot. That's my theory, anyway. It's a mindless summer flick, using Star Trek's name and cachet to coast in place of developing plot or character.

All of which, let me emphasize, just spotlights how good Abrams' direction is. He keeps us hurtling along, keeps us on the edge of our seats, and makes us miss a lot of the flaws. The movie never feels like two hours (well, almost never), the action is well directed (well, mostly), and keeps us stuffing our mouths with popcorn.

I know I've sounded relentlessly negative...but considering I'm outnumbered 96-1 in my opinion, I felt justified in emphasizing why I felt the way I do. It's certainly not a bad movie. It's as entertaining as heck, and doesn't bother to make you think at all. But it's still just a mindless summer movie. On that level, Star Trek XI: No Subtitle succeeds admirably. But as a Star Trek movie? I expect more from that than I would from a Michael Bay flick. When you look at this film, not just as any movie but as a Star Trek movie? It's the Never Say Never Again of Trek movies.

SNELL'S RANDOM NOTES AND OBSERVATIONS

**All along, I was saying, man, the one thing Star Trek movies never had was product placement! Please, more Budweiser references!!

Someone needs to be strung up, is all I'm sayin'.

**Not to mention, all Star Trek soundtracks have been missing a Beastie Boys song!! Yeah, because so many kids today are listening to Mozart on their iPods.

And how come no one in Star Trek ever listens to contemporary (ie, future) music??

**Didn't you just know that nothing they could show us could live up to what our imaginations and ST II told us about Kirk's Koybayashi Maru? Sure enough, this was pedestrian and lame, with no tension or surprise. And don't you think Kirk would have reprogrammed the simulator to, oh, I don't know, make him look good, like a good captain and competent officer? Instead it tossed up a scenario Captain Dunsel could have solved, while he just preens like a jackass...

Besides, how can you do a Kirk at the Academy story without Finnegan?? Oh, that's right, he was never mentioned in Wrath of Khan...

**Nero's ship is another creaky plot device, conveniently powerful and powerless, depending on the plot needs of the moment. It's tough enough to completely destroy a Federation fleet over Vulcan in less than 5 minutes...but somehow can't destroy the Kelvin alone in 10 minutes, or keep it from ramming them at full speed? When old Spock's ship shows up, they capture it effortlessly, apparently without a shot being fired...yet that ship and the Enterprise can smash it up when 7 Star Fleet vessels are reduced to debris?

**Love the design on the new Enterprise, great bridge, but...ye gods, what's up with that engine room? It looks like it was filmed in the basement boiler room of a 1960's industrial site. Seriously, it looks absolutely NOTHING like the rest of the ship, all stairs and railings and boilers...it's not even from the same movie! Did they run out of money? Imagination?

**Speaking of design, I'm glad that the Romulan ship follows the George Lucas theory of ship design, with lots of catwalks leading nowhere and no railings over vast yawning spaces with no purpose...

**A number of people have complained how stupid it was to physically exile Kirk from the ship onto a hostile planet, when they could have just stuffed him in the brig. Please, people, please: the writers couldn't think up any other way to get Kirk and Old Spock together, so they had to resort to nonsense...that's how screenwriting works!!

And exactly how close was Delta Vega to Vulcan, that Vulcan appears that huge in the skyline, yet Delta Vega is untouched by the effects of the resulting black hole?

And if there was a Federation outpost on Delta Vega, couldn't they just have used their communications system to call Star Fleet and warn Earth?!? (And before you blame the black hole, the transporter was still functional...)

I tell you--SCREENWRITING!!!!!

**Kirk sure gets choked a lot in this film. Didn't the fight choreographer have any other moves in his portfolio? I'm just sayin'.

**Yes, blowing up Vulcan really, really proves that you're not our fathers' Star Trek. Gee, who'd want to tell stories about a rich alien culture? If they had any balls, they would have blown up Earth...

But remember how every review tells us Star Trek is positive and optimistic and hopeful...despite 2 galactic civilizations being irretrievably lost. Gee, I'm glad we're not in a bleak future or anything...

**Just how incompetent is...uh, was...Vulcan, anyway? They send out a distress call about seismic activity, but they somehow couldn't see that there's a freaking huge unidentified ship in orbit drilling into their planetary core? And they're so clueless they have to have the Enterprise call them and tell them to evacuate the planet--they can't tell themselves their planet's imploding? Think of it as evolution in action, I guess...

**Speaking of Vulcan, its good to see that Vulcan's high gravity doesn't prevent Sulu from doing somersaults over people's head, and that the thin air in no way impedes the intense fight with a couple of Romulans. I guess in this "alternate universe," Vulcan somehow has Earth normal air and gravity...ah, well, it's not like Amok Time can happen now...

**I'm not sure about this "emotionally compromised" regulation (which, since Old Spock quoted it, must exist in the old universe, too). That would have removed Kirk and Spock from how many missions?!? Oh, that's right, without that regulation there would be no conceivable justification for letting violent, lying mutineer Kirk take command...SCREENWRITING!!!!

**You know, instead of giving us a LOOOOONG car chase and an infinitely LOOOOOOONG CGI-monsters-on-crappy-fake-snow-planet scene, maybe we could have invested some time in plot or character development. I'm just sayin.'

**This is merely a matter of taste, but I really don't go in for such physical buffoonery humor in my Star Trek. Swollen hands? Really? A Willie Wonka tube ride for Scotty? Not my cup of tea.

By the way, the tube Scotty beams into is labeled "inert reactant." Water is not an inert reactant. Good things they made this movie without technobabble...

**Seriously, where was Nero for 25 years?

**Hello, Old Spock has traveled this road before, hasn't he? He and Kirk have gone farther back in time, or re-gone back, any number of times, to reset history to its proper course. By ST IV he can whip off calculations for time warp in his sleep. And yet, in the face of this crisis, he doesn't once consider the possibility of fixing this mess with another time trip? He'll let Vulcan die when he was willing to jiggle the past to save Earth any number of times?

**Can someone please find Orci and Kurztman a new gig before the next Trek movie? Thank you.

Gambit By A Mile

As you can see by the poll results up at the top left, it was never a contest: Gambit "won" in a landslide, and it was never close.

That does surprise me a little bit. As I said earlier, I've never really had any history with either character, which is why I had to have the poll. But after all the outcries of lameness when Meltzer put Geo-Force onto his JLA, I would have expected the doofus to rank higher.

But apparently, nothing can surpass the level of bile and disgust you guys have for Gambit. Hmmm, you learn something new everyday.

So, all hail Gambit, King Of The Lame!!

Thanks to everyone who voted in the Gambit/Geo-Force Lame-Off.

Friday Night Fights--Tug On Superman's Cape Style!!

There are some things you just don't do:

OH NO HE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kids, I'd advise you not to try this.

That's from Power Company #15 (2003), by Kurt Busiek & Gary Chaloner. By way of context, it's pretty much a full issue silent battle all around Gotham between Manhunter & Batman...but it turns out Manhunter is just tricking Batman into chasing him so he get Batman to help him rescue a kidnapped child...

Power Company didn't last much longer...too bad. Most of the characters have vanished into the DC Black Hole...

Fortunately for Manhunter, he didn't spit at Spacebooger...that would have made for a very short comic (& short life for Manhunter)...

Emily Litella Moment

This ad was on the inside back cover of most of this week's Marvels:

Now, far be it from me to be a stick in the mud, but do we really needs to know about Tony Stark's bathroom habits? And how would you put that kind of thing on a sphincter, anyway? I mean...

Excuse me? What?

Oh, Armored POPPER....

Never mind.

Seriously, that's what I thought I saw when I first read the damned thing...

Golden Age Idol--Airmale!!

It's time again to judge the heroes of our forefathers by today's snarky standards...to see who is worthy to be resurrected as a 21st century superhero...it's time for Golden Age Idol!!

Previously, we've seen that foppish artists and their animated statues of cannibalistic titans (wearing dresses, no less) couldn't make the grade. But, we then saw how the most generic of heroic concepts could be made future-worthy by the inclusion of FIRE APES!! Damn, I still get shivers at that!

What does this week bring? Well, sometimes, our Golden Age forefathers just didn't put a lot of work into coming up with actual powers and identities and stuff. Case in point:

Let's see..."a professor" (whom they never even bother to name in the story!), a "secret discovery," well, you can't get much more generic than that. So he becomes:

OK, it's kind of a cool logo, in a kitschy 1940's way. Speaking of which, it's the 1940's, so Airmale (shudder) has to have a teen sidekick, right? True enough, he does. And that sidekick is...

OK, you might not want to see this. Move along. Protect your eyes (and mind). Don't say I didn't warn you. Airmale's sidekick is:

Sigh...Airmale and Stampy. Good thing Peter David isn't writing this book. Oh, and Stampy talks funny and isn't very bright:

Anyway, what's the deal with our nameless heroes? Well, Airmale is a surprisingly responsible Golden Age scientist:

Airmale's power? He's lighter than air.

That's it.

No, really.

Now, somehow, he's able to propel himself, and actually fly...that's the Golden Age, bro, just roll with it! But aside from that, no other powers. And there are some definite drawbacks to being "lighter than air":


In some stories, Airmale apparently had a "gravity belt" that allowed him to walk on the ground like a normal dude...no evidence of that here, though. Also, I see that our professor's name was Kenneth Stevens. Here's a Pro-Tip: Google searches for "Airmale" turn up a disquieting number of links to male strippers...

When a new diabolical villain rears his head, Airmale relents and shoots up Stampy faster than Speedy in an O'Neil/Adams story:

Who is our evil genius?

Hmmm...looks nothing like Emil Gargunza...And yes, that is his master plan--drive around and shoot things with his "makes things heavy" gun until "the authorities" give him the keys to the kingdom or money or whatever.

What a putz.

And how do Airmale and Stampy defeat him? By flying around a lot.

Oh, yeah, and by getting grazed by the heavy beam, so now they're normal weight, and can punch the crap out of him, and...

And lame. Heroes we can't even bother to name and have no personal life...sidekicks who are named for stupid puns...the power to fly and that's it...there's not a whole lot of "there" there, is there? Paula, what do you think?

Agreed...Sorry, Airmale and Stampy, you've been canceled!! Return to sender!? Postage Due!! Stampy's been licked!

Dammit, somebody let Peter David in here....

This Airmale and Stampy story is from Atomic Bomb #1 (1946)

The Dirtiest Ad Of The 1940's

OK, classless and silly, in a 1940's novelty sort of way...but dirtiest?

OK, it's funny to laugh at the idea that anybody would pay for this tie, that you'd actually wear a tie to work that turns into a glowing sexual harassment billboard in the dark. And the concept that it will cause AWE is just an example of Clarke's Law at work. But filthy?!?

Magnificent? High class? Distinctive?

OK, OK, make fun of it...but dirtiest ad of the 1940's? How can I possibly claim that?

Just read this:

Hidden batteries? Horseplay? "A thing of loveliness...emerges gradually to life, touched by the wand of darkness, and your girl will gasp with wonder as it takes form so amazingly."

Wow.

Wertham was right.

Ad from Atomic Bomb Comics #1 (1946)

Manic Monday--Clash Of Titans!!

You know who people hate?

Man, an awful lot of people out there hate Geo-Force. He's got to be nearly universally reviled as lame.

I've never really read The Outsiders or other comics featuring him, so I can't say that I get it. I'm not defending him...I'm just saying that as a relatively independent and casual observer, I don't see what makes him any lamer than any number of other contemporary DC creations.

But Marvel has their own spite magnet:

Gambit. Troll "Gambit" and "lame" on Google, and you'll find tens of thousands of hits. Again, I'm not sure why. I was done with the X-Men by the time the Cajun mutant showed up. And to my civilian eye, he seems no lamer than, say Bishop.

But far be it from me to question the wisdom of my fellow comics fans. Especially when I need you. You see, my lack of knowledge here leaves me spectacularly unprepared to answer the impossibly important question:

WHO IS LAMER--GEO-FORCE OR GAMBIT?!?



That's one that only you, my faithful readers, can answer. So help me out, vote in the poll over at the top of the sidebar, and let me know--who is really lamer?

Snickety-Snickt

Some thoughts on that one movie that opened this weekend. I'll try to avoid explicit spoilers, but some stuff will be obliquely spoilerish, so bail if you don't want to know that Logan was born outside ancient Rome and raised by wolves. Spoilerish bullet points after the picture...

• When, exactly, was a law passed requiring Ryan Reynolds to be in every single movie? Because that's the only possible explanation...

• An elevator music joke? Really? This is 2009, guys...

• "The island"--clever. That also explain a lot...

• The problem with a prequel is that you really restrict your options if you're not careful. Case in point, since we KNOW that the villains in this movie survive to appear in the X-Men movies, we know they can't die. So goodbye, dramatic tension.
  

• There's a difference between "complex" and "who cares why, just have the characters do this." Some characters change sides in this movie more times than I can count; some characters launch into fights with other characters for no apparent reason, and in fact against common sense; a real deus ex machina shows up at the end, and there's really no reason or explanation for why that deus shows up, coincidentally, at the exact right moment and place.

• The old cliche "I'd kill you, but than I'd be no better than you" speech would be a whole hell of a lot more impressive if the very next line weren't "Now I'm going to subject you to a hideous torture." Funny, they never mention where psychically raping someone places them on that particular moral scale...

• Canadian, American, American, Canadian...why be so picky? It's all the same...

• I can't decide--was it a good thing or a bad thing that Taylor Kitsch couldn't be bothered to do the accent for Gambit?

• What about 1 through 9?

Overall, an odd film...oddly structured, oddly paced, not a goddamned brain in its head, but not terribly offensive, either. Not the worst vehicle for overpriced popcorn and soda. But not good in any way, either.

To those who thought that Iron Man and The Dark Knight raised the bar for superhero movie, Wolverine pretty much proves that not true.

Friday Night Fights--Shrek Style!!

Shang-Chi is facing off against one of Fu Manchu's ridiculously evil genetic/hybrid/monstrosity thingies:

Oooooh, that had to hurt...(but still Code approved, because monsters don't count, I guess...)

Spacebooger has approved this display of gratuitous violence!

Who needs scalpels when you know Kung Fu? Panel from Master Of Kung Fu #117 (1982), by Moench and Day.