Comics Make Me Hungry

What was it about this week's comics??

Mmmmm, fishwich...

Mmmm, Batwiches....

Sorry, I just can't help it...

...comics make me hungry!!

Pantries raided for these panels were Incredible Hercules #125, Legion Of Super-Heroes #50 (sigh), and Final Crisis #7

Friday Night Fights--O-ren Ishii Style!!

Ah, Luke, sometimes the old tricks are the best, eh?

35 years ago, Cage pretended to work for Harlem gangster Cornell Cottonmouth in order to flush out a the records of the dope shipment that was used to frame him. Once Luke got what he wanted, he turned on Cottonmouth, and went back to the side of the angels. No, that doesn't sound anything at all like this week's issue of New Avengers.

Anyway, it turns out that Cottonmouth is super-strong. It's never explained how (although that sure looks like a piece of the Bloodstone, or maybe the Ruby of Cytorrak, that he's wearing, eh?). And I don't think he ever appeared again, so we'll probably never know.

Anyway, on with the battle!!







At one point one of Cottonmouth's flunkies is accidentally knocked out the window...

Spludd for me, sir!!

On the big finish--

Ouch, babe.

If Luke tried to body slam Spacebooger like that, well, it wouldn't be pretty.

Battle scenes courtesy of Tony Isabella and George Tuska in Luke Cage Power Man #20 (1974).

Sharp Dressed Apes

Yesterday we saw that Hank Pym was being a little more unstable than usual, lashing out at the Giant-Man fan club and sneaking into East Berlin in one of the more ridiculous disguises possible.

But you see, there's a reason for this odd behavior: his buddy has been captured as a spy.

But wait--there's more:

So, after skulking around completely inconspicuously, Pym realizes that this is no job for Giant-Man!!

Wait a minute...can Pym speak German ant??

Oh, well then.

Now, you might want to be sitting down, because we're about to get the big reveal on what the commie secret weapon is. Are you bracing yourselves? Seriously, you are so not ready for this...

What??

Yes, the Red secret weapon is...monkeys who can read.


Hmmm...can I just say that this army isn't that formidable...they don't have guns, they don't have superpowers. Nick Fury could take down a whole platoon of them with as single "WAHOO!!!" Hell, even Hank Pym could take one down!!




See? But what about 6?? (And where, exactly, do they find all of these gorillas in East Berlin?? Must be from Octopussy's circus...)


Ahh, you mean the time for cowardice, don't you, Hank??

Anyway, Pym has (somehow) deduced the solution to this gorilla crisis. Hang on folks, because it's time for Marvel Science, Pym Style!!


Wow, he didn't even have to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow--the machine just happens to work the opposite on humans!!! Lucky guess, or brilliant discovery? You make the call!!

Fortunately, Pym is now able to destroy the way, and it turns out the effect was only temporary. The world is safe!! Now Giant-Man and his pal just have to escape from East Berlin. How, you ask?

MR. PYM, TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!!!

Wow, that makes me all warm inside. How about you, Lee Kearns?!?

Bonus panel: The Wasp psychoanalyzes her boyfriend:

No, Jan, it's because he's an unstable, self-absorbed emotional recluse who will beat you...hey, wait a minute, what did she mean by "first wife?!?!" Pym wouldn't marry Janet for years yet!! Was there some secret second marriage we didn't know about?!?!?!?

So that's Pym--unstable and broody, even back then. But at least he could beat up commie super-intelligent gorillas and talk with German ants...

This Tale To Astonish brought to you in issue #60, 1964, by Lee and Ayers.

Hank Pym--The Early Days

Henry Pym, one of the oldest denizens of the Marvel Universe, has undergone yet another costumed metamorphosis...his new identity is The Wasp (woo, hoo).

My good friend Siskoid notes that, in the latest effort to re-invent Pym, they've essentially made him into Doctor Who. Which is well and good, because ever since Jim Shooter made him a neurotic wife beater, nobody has had the least idea of what to do with him. (Although I should note--adopting the super-hero identity of the dead ex-wife you smacked around sure isn't a sign of stability, at least in my eyes)

But, and I don't say this lightly, Hank Pym was always a bit of a nutbar, even from the early days. After all, Roy Thomas had him creating the Avengers' greatest enemy, having psychotic breaks with reality, and marrying Janet while believing he was someone else, well over a decade before Shooter's demolition of Pym.

And even earlier...well, maybe it was all the size changing, but even under Stan's hands, Pym was a bit off. Note, for example, how he reacts to his fan club (yes, Giant-Man had a fan club):

Sadly, that was the last time Giant-Man would have to worry about having too many fans pestering him...

And if he's such a smart guy, how do you explain his brilliant disguise for sneaking around East Berlin?


Yup, no one would notice him at all...

So anyway, why exactly is Pym so cranky? Why is he sneaking into East Berlin?? That's a story for tomorrow. One hint: DC wasn't the only ones putting gorillas into their comics in the 60s...

Hank Pym, Unstable Super Spy is from Tales To Astonish #60 (1964)

I Always Said It Was Operatic

Thank you, Robot Chicken!!

Manic Monday--The 198??

From Marvel's April Solicits:

Wolverine Noir #1
Wolverine Origins #35
Astonishing X-Men #29
Uncanny X-Men #508 & #509
X-Men: Legacy #223
Wolverine #72
Wolverine: Weapon X #1
Wolverine: Weapon X Files
Wolverine: The Anniversary
Rampaging Wolverine #1
Cable #13
X-Force #14
X-Men: The Lives and Times of Lucas Bishop #3
X-Factor #42
X-Men: First Class Finals #3
Wolverine: First Class #14
X-Men Origins: Wolverine #1

Soon, baby....

This Should Go Without Saying...

...but 70th anniversary or not, you don't get to call something Captain America Comics #1...

...unless you show Cap punching Hitler in the face on the cover:

And no, having Cap's fist appearing over Hitler's cheek on a poster in the background doesn't count.

Dork Avengers

Questions, I have questions...

A) Man, if Bendis really wanted to write Thunderbolts stories that badly, why the hell not just write Thunderbolts? Why drag Norman Osborn et al into a whole new and unnecessary Avengers book???

B) Why the elaborate charade?

Remember, the premise is, the public saw Osborn being a hero against the Skrulls, and the public clamor caused the president to put him in charge of H.A.M.M.E.R. and the Avengers.

Well, the rest of the Thunderbolts team was there too, right? Moonstone was there, Bullseye was there, Venom was there. They fought and killed Skrulls live on TV. Wouldn't they then be regarded as heroes, just as much as Osborn?

So why the pretend game? Why pretend Moonstone is Ms. Marvel, or Bullseye is Hawkeye, or Venom is Spider-Man? Why would the public accept Osborn as the Iron Patriot, but not the rest of his team??

C) Spider-Man.

Let's check in with Peter Parker, and see what's up in his life.



Oh, right. He's wanted for suspicion of being the "Spider Tracer" serial killer. The police are shooting to kill on sight. The general public believes he's a killer, and is frightened to death of him.

Hmmm.

So having Venom disguise himself as a perceived serial killer is an advantage how??

Yet, in the very same city, here's the press and the public, wildly cheering for the man identified as Spider-Man.

So, the police and the people and the papers (especially the DB!!) have magically forgotten their vendetta against Spidey why?

Or has Osborn somehow pardoned Spider-Man, and the message just hasn't gotten through to the NYPD yet?? So instead of tweaking Spider-Man, he's actually doing him a favor?? And we can expect to Peter Parker receive some of this love in his own mag??

Or, more likely, is it that Bendis just doesn't give a damn what's going on in anybody else's books? That he can't be bothered to have his charade make sense because, dammit, he wants Venom to be an Avenger, and the storyline in Amazing Spider-Man can just go frell itself?!?

D) Ares and the Sentry?!?!?

Look, Bendis clearly has some deep liking for these characters, as they're the only ones he kept around from Mighty. But in heaven's name, why?!? In the Sentry's stint in New and Mighty Avengers, and Ares' in Mighty, have either one of them done anything even remotely interesting, or even memorable?!? If you like these guys so much, Bendis, why the hell don't you have them actually do something?!?

So what does the first real event of Purple Reign give us? Gussied up Thunderbolts, used in ways that make no sense, and a 7-page preview of Secret Warriors that had ALREADY been run in the Dark Reign: New Nation special. There's $3.99 well spent.

I guess it really is a dark reign...

Clips from Amazing Spider-Man 584 and Dork Avengers #1

Friday Night Fights--FSHAM Style!!

Hey, sometimes sound effects are great in a fight. And sometimes, when the creators phone it in, they're a tiny bit repetitive. Just a tiny bit.

Case in point--the "Mighty" Avengers are facing the terror of Ultron, who is controlling dozens of Iron Man's spare/old suits of armor:

Well, this is going to be difficult. And what creative tactics does Ultron use?

OK, the repulsor ray barrage is cute, and FSHAM is nice. What else you got, Ultron?

Hmmm....anything else??


O...K...that's a whole lotta FSHAM, isn't it??

But Ares is pretty pissed off...

Surely, he can overcome the constant FSHAM, can't he?

Uh, not so much.

Time for a change in tactics:

Ah, here we go...surely a jet boot won't make the same sound effect as a repulsor ray, right?

Sigh...

You know, Spacebooger could have come up with a few more sound effects--in his sleep!!!

Bendis, Cho, and "Artmonkeys' Dave Lanphear" get extremely lazy with their sound effects in Mighty Avengers #4 (2007).

Battle For The Cowl Preview--Dick Grayson Is A Moron

Well, it's about time that we start to look ahead (albeit not too enthusiastically) to the Battle For The Cowl, when apparently everyone who was even tangentially connected to Batman decides they want to pick up the mantle. Why, I wouldn't know...Gotham's a big enough city for everyone to do their thing, I would think. And who really cares what they wear?

But DC doesn't make any money by listening to me. So, here to help us evaluate the various candidates to seize the Cowl, is Simon Cowell, for our first edition of Cowell on the Cowl:

Thank you, snell. I thought we'd start with the fashion-blind acrobatic orphan, Dick Grayson. Now, in some ways, he's the most logical candidate to become the new Batman, having been raised and trained by the original.

The only, problem, however, is that Dick Grayson is so stupid, he makes Bizarro look like Einstein.

You want proof? Inaptly-named counterfeiter Brainy Walker has put together a (fairly dumb) plan to convince the Dynamic Duo that he knows where Batcave is. Let's watch Robin at work, shall we?



D'oh!!

Now, Batman makes it all better, using Alfred's shadow, a tape recorder, and a papier mache Buddha to convince Walker that it was all just a deliberate trick. No, I'm not making any of that up. And it's not like 578 people don't already know Batman's secret identity at the moment.

But good lord, was that a wretched performance!! It was so abysmal, , it should permanently disqualify the original Boy Wonder from ever becoming the Darknight Detective.

Simon Sez:

Robin's massive brain freeze occurred in Detective Comics #242 (1957). Keep checking in, because more Cowell on the Cowl will be coming soon...

In Other Words...

So, true fact: when you have no electricity for the better part of three days, and no real access to your comic collection, all because some incompetent nincompoops jackhammered into the wrong section of concrete, it really puts a crimp in your ability to blog.

It's so frustrating, I just want to chuck everything overboard, and go live on the moon or something...

Oh, Kara...thank you for making me love again!!

Moon Beagle Boys courtesy of Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures In The 8th Grade #2

Manic Monday--Villainous Pick-Up Lines

Hard to believe this made it past the Code:


Oh, Leader, you suave devil...

Samuel Sterns' letter to Penthouse Forum is actually from Incredible Hulk Annual #11 (1982) by Mantlo and Buckler.

Monsters For A Modern Age

My pal Mark has an ongoing series at his blog looking at some of the vast, lumbering alien monsters who were always invading Earth back in the Atlas/Timely days.

I, however, like to look at when those classic creatures intrude into the Marvel Universe proper. Today, we're going to look at a titanic monster mash-up of epic proportions.

You see, back in 1976, the Hulk had just eluded the latest attempt by the military to kill him...but a nefarious unseen foe is plotting against him:



Ah, all the government's fault, you see.

Anyhoo, Hulk encounters the first of the duplicated extraterrestrials:

How does Hulk beat him? With his most potent weapon, the slow sarcastic clap:

Next up?

And Jade Jaws beats him by drowning him...

What else you got, mysterious mastermind?!?

Hey!! We know Groot!! Hulk fight him with a bestial version of Rock Paper Scissors:

If a Groot is killed in the woods, is there any sound? Nope.

Well, there can't be any monsters left, can there?

Ah, yes, Goom. Can't forget good old Goom. Fortunately, he's not as all-powerful as he claims, or Hulk wouldn't be able to take him out with a simple rock slide:

Finally, it's ZZZAX!! Oops, I mean Blip.

Blip?? Really? That name is supposed to strike fear into we mere humans? Fortunately, Blip follows the iron clad Marvel Law: All electricity based villains are freaking stupid. So Hulk beats him by tossing into a power line. Yup, that's all:

But, you see, the whole point of this was that our mysterious Big Bad was siphoning power from Hulk this whole time, and it's time for the big reveal:

Yes, it's Xemnu the Living Titan, the clown who started out as "The Living Hulk" back in Journey Into Mystery in 1960, but survived Marvel's transition to super-heroes and kept returning to plague Hulk, the Defenders, She-Hulk, etc...

And, in a somewhat rushed and anti-climactic final battle, Hulks gets mad and breaks free, he and Xemnu fight, the military "accidentally" blows up the dam they're fighting upon, Xemnu's body isn't found, and Hulk is the strongest one there is. The end.

So what's my point? Now that we know these goobers can appear in mainstream Marvel continuity, isn't about time someone brought them back? Maybe in Nova or Guardians of the Galaxy, where the heroes can visit the aliens' home planets, chock full of Gooms and Diablos?!? That's an easy set-up, since Groot is a member of the Guardians right now...Or maybe Hercules can fight them...

Monster mash brought you by Claremont and S. Buscema in Incredible Hulk Annual #5 (1976).

Devolve Or Die?

Let's begin with the admission that when it comes to matters of comic book printing and comic book economics, I don't know a damned thing. So I'm just asking questions here, not making actual prescriptions here. And if what I'm asking is stupid, or doesn't make a lick of sense, well, I won't argue.

But as comics push harder and harder against the $2.99 barrier, we've got to ask these questions. Because if comics do go up to $3.99 as a matter of course, than even I will be forced to cut back, and that's saying something. Which means an awful lot of people who have actual living expenses (or more of a life) will cut back even more, and we'll quickly see a bloodbath.

So my question is, why not go, at least partially, back to newsprint? Or cheaper paper?

Right now the Big Two are eagerly pumping out a regular supply of phone book-sized Essentials and Showcases at ridiculously low retails, as compared to regular comics and trades. And readers don't seem to mind the cheaper quality of paper, as they sell.

Yes, I know those are black and white reprint reprint volumes, so it's hardly an exact analogy. But I also know that it would cost you about $150 of Archives or Omnibus to get the same number of stories you get in $17 worth of Essential or Showcase. And some percentage of that has to be the paper.

Plus, as newspapers vanish or see their circulation decrease, I would expect the price of low-end paper to come down even more in the immediate future.

So do current new comics have to be printed on glossier, sturdier paper? I know it was viewed as a huge leap forward as the transition was gradually made back in the day. But comic books survived for decades printed on low quality paper, and maybe the time has come to step back to the past, in order to keep the cost to consumers from crossing the Line of Death.

Hey, comics on the better paper last longer! Acknowledged. But then again, pretty much every comic I've ever owned over the past 30 years is still intact (except due to my ill care in a couple of cases). And these days, every series seems to be almost immediately collected in trade automatically, they'll still exist on good paper, right?

Hey comics on the better paper allow for more intricate artwork, more subtle coloring, etc!! Again, acknowledged. And even though I've griped about a lot of artwork being too mannered and dark and broody these days (especially at Marvel...you guys loose your crayons or what?), I would be the last one that would suggest that we flush everything back to the 80's. But...newsprint was good enough for Jack Kirby and Neal Adams and Steve Ditko and Jim Steranko and...you get my point. And I rarely hear people say that "Kirby was great but I wish his New Gods was colored more subtly, that Swamp Thing was illegible due to bad printing."

(Aside: And does the paper these days have to be so damn glossy? Do I need to keep finding new ways to hold the comics because of glare reflected from overhead lights? Just asking...)

And I'm not suggesting that everything go back to newsprint. There's no reason we can't have two tiers, like we did back in the 80's, right? Do The Titans or Rulk really need to be on paper shiny high class paper? Why not save the more expensive paper (and thus the more expensive price point) for the books that justify such treatment?

So, I'm thinking the Big Two could experiment here. How about doing their All Ages titles on cheaper newsprint, at a lower price point? Or try their weekly or almost weekly (Amazing Spider-Man)? I'm willing to bet many buyers would be willing to make the trade-off of some quality for a less cover price, and that if the Big Two could offer some books at $1.99 or $2.49, you'd see some increased sales. And if it was successful, they could consider some line-wide changes. Not only would being able to actually lower their cover prices keep readership from eroding, I think it would actually increase those numbers.

Am I right? Do I make any sense? Do my numbers add up? Because I fear that if everyone keeps doing the same old same old and just raises the price, we'll see a fairly large comic book depression.

Friday Night Fights--Viltrumite Style!!

Tonight--The Friday Night Fight so awesome, it took two issues to convey it!!

Mark Grayson--the all-powerful Invincible--is having a...discussion...with a a female Vitrumite about the proper way to rule the Earth (long story...read Invincible and get caught up, so I don't have to explain everything to you!). Sadly, this discussion isn't going to well...


Banzai!! That punch (from the last page of #44) was so powerful, it actually carried over into the first page of the next issue!!



Uhhh...ouch.

Sure, Spacebooger could take a punch like that...he just chooses not to!!

All-out splash page carnage from Invincible #44 & #45 (2007), by Robert Kirkman and Ryan Ottley.

From Heaven's Heart, He Stabs At Thee

Always remember this:

Even as a young man, Ricardo had a way with the ladies

He could pull off any type of fashion...


...and still kick your ass:

Oh, he knew he had that certain something:

And even in his 60s, and dressed in a ridiculous costume, he still had the ladies, and we loved him for it:

Vaya con Dios, Ricardo. Vaya con Dios.

A Trio Of Birthdays

First of all, believe it or not, Apollo Creed is 61 today!

Next, the famous Action Jackson is also 61 today!!

Finally, pumped-up CIA agent Dillon is 61 today!!!

Thank you, Carl Weathers.

The Once And Future Dickweed

Setting the scene: The lamest villain ever, the Mysterious Mister Doll (snort), is terrorizing New York, somehow getting millionaires to sign their fortunes over to him. The police think that Tony Stark must be next on the list, so they set him up as bait, which means constant surveillance:

Well, that just won't do. So Tony Stark, futurist, one of the smartest dudes alive, devices a brilliant plan to escape--which just happens to involve toying with the affections of Pepper Potts, and then crushing her hopes:



Oh, Tony...but you were younger then, right? There's no way you could be so cavalier towards Pepper's feelings today, right?!?

The lesson? Once a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, soul-crushing dickweed, always a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, soul-crushing dickweed.

The past: Tales Of Suspense #48 (1963). The present: Invincible Iron Man #8 (2009). The future...?

BONUS: In all his glory, as presented by Lee and Ditko, The Mysterious Mr. Doll!!


Ok, so they weren't all winners back then...

Manic Monday--Tony Stark, Dark Knight

Iron Man, in the debut appearance of his red and gold armor:


Oh, I guess Marvel criminals are also a cowardly and superstitious lot, huh?

How exactly is that supposed to go, Tony? "Oh my gosh, I can see infinitesimally more of Iron Man's eyes than before!! His expression of disapproval so frightens me!! I surrender!!!"

Comic book billionaires sure are into instilling fright, aren't they?

Iron Man plays Psycho Pirate in Tales of Suspense #48 (1963), courtesy of Lee, Ditko and Ayers

We Interrupt This Broadcast

No post today...busy wondering WWJBD.

Entertain yourself by wondering what the show 24 would have been like in 1994...

Sorry, Robert

My good friend and colleague Robert has provided us with an early front runner for quote of the year.

Yesterday he asks me, "What's the name of the princess in the Zelda games?"

Oh, Robert...

In his defense, he was very tired, having been up all night so he could catch the midnight opening of Bride Wars. (That isn't actually true, but then again...he was tired, so until I see evidence otherwise, Bride Wars it is!!)

Robert did redeem himself today with a killer impression of Richard Nixon playing Pokemon. Seriously, you haven't lived until you've heard Nixon say, "Let's go, Bulbasaur!!"

No, you really shouldn't ask.

Friday Night Fights--Uf-Da Style!!

You want sound with your battles? We got sound with our battles...(note--this week is not for the weak of stomach!).

Badger is chilling in his crib when a Balinese demon comes looking for him:

And thus commences a mostly silent fight scene...




Wait a minute!! Silent fight scene? This is Friday Night Fights: KA-POW!!! You're supposed to have massive sounds!!

You asked for it...







Oh, dear.

Hopefully, this fight will set up the awe-inspiring Badger vs. Leatherface mini-series...and if it does, Spacebooger will be the one to bring it to you live!!

Hellacious gore fest from Mike Baron and Kevin Caron in Badger Saves The World #1 (2007)

Early Front-Runner For Stupidest Comment Of 2009

If you wondered why Vertigo won't let mainstream DC touch Swamp Thing, here's a pretty good snapshot of the reason:

Dan DiDio: Well let’s use Solomon Grundy as an example. Solomon Grundy – a mindless brute, a dangerous character. We didn’t really have that type of character inhabiting any of our series right now, so we thought it would be interesting to bring Solomon Grundy to the forefront and see if he can fill that role in our storytelling. People will ask, “Where’s Swamp Thing in the DCU?” and one of the things that we thought we could do with Solomon Grundy that can be interesting, that can be part of the DCU, and maybe fill that need that people are looking for in a more brute-like character such as Swamp Thing. I’m not saying, mind you, that Solomon Grundy will be like Swamp Thing in this miniseries, but that he’s a type of character that’s similar to Swamp Thing.

From an interview at Newsarama today...emphasis added. Idiocy, however, is exactly as it was in the original.

Mindless brute=Swamp Thing. Oh, Dan, with your deep understanding of the characters, it's shocking--simply shocking--that Vertigo won't let you play in their toybox.

Swiped On Wednesday

It was kind of a light week at Ye Olde Comic Shoppe, so on a whim, I decide to pick up Faces of Evil: Solomon Grundy #1. What the hell, right? And, it's a one-shot that's only $2.99!! Are you taking notes, Marvel?!?

Anyway, it's apparently time to reboot Solomon Grundy, which DC does from time to time. Almost anything would be better than that mess that Brad Meltzer gave us during the JLA relaunch. Don't get me wrong--the idea of an evil, intelligent Grundy has some appeal, but it was so poorly handled (give him Red Tornado's body? With Amazo's powers? WTF?!? That's his evil genius plan?!?) as to be a waste of time, especially when Grundy was immediately killed again.

This one-shot was written by Geoff Johns and Scott Kolins, with art by Kolins. And, well...it reeks of, shall we say, familiarity?!?

Grundy first reappears as a reborn puny Cyrus Gold:

OK, that's new. But he wastes his rebirth murdering a sweet old man and his dog, reminiscing about what a miserable bastard he was back in the 19th century, and beating the crap out of a nice lady (really, that much violence in a Geoff Johns book?? Who would have thought?) Big surprise, he ends up dying, and inevitably, he is reborn as Grundy:

Well, aside from initially reappearing as Cyrus Gold, this version of Grundy isn't so different. And then he ends up in a fight with Killer Croc:

Hmmm, old Jade-Jaw's...oh, I mean Grundy's grammar has gotten worse. But that's not really new. What else you got?

Ohhh...so Gold's intellect is awake inside there, and Grundy hears it...and hates his puny alter ego. This is getting more and more familiar...until finally:

Oh, dear...so now Grundy transforms back into puny Cyrus Gold when he gets tired.

Seriously.

Hmmm. I'm sure glad we've come up with something all new and all different for Solomon Grundy, as poor Cyrus Gold tries to cure himself of the effects of the gamma bomb...oh, ahem...I mean curse. Because within each of us, oftimes, there dwells a mighty raging fury...oh, ahem, I mean Grundy.

Still, it beats the Red Hulk...

Bold Fashion Choices--Real World Edition

The biggest missed opportunity ever by DC:

What, regular watch makers complain? Dudes, they'd beg to pay you huge $ to make sure that you'd make the signal watch their brand...just ask James Bond!!

Just think about all the money DC pissed away with their principled "ignore-the-request-from-regular-tie-manufacturer" stance...

(And seriously...a regular tie manufacturer was having his sales spoiled by bow ties? Seriously? On what planet??)

From Jimmy Olson #104(1967)

Well, We Can't Do THAT Bit Any Longer

Well, it seems Mark Millar just had a brush with a nasty medical condition, and he's having to take some time off.

So for the time being, any comments about the lateness of Fantastic Four or any of his other books are tabled. Slay Monstrobot (and all our readers, I'm sure) wish you a speedy recovery, Mr. Millar.

However, I'm still allowed to think his FF plots are terrible and that he has no idea how to write Doctor Doom.

And I can't help but notice, despite his "itsy-bitsy, near-fatal episode," Millar still has the strength in the article to relentlessly promote his movie projects, and somehow finagled the reporter or editor to refer to him as a "genius" in the sub-headline. Even on death's door, Mark Millar is an unparalleled hype machine!! Keep on keeping on, Mark.

Manic Monday--Dollar Menu??

Character most in need of a name change after her intial appearance:

Just in case you were wondering, Moondragon obviously was a vast, vast improvement.

Here's a pro-tip, Heather: if you want to fight Thanos and join the Avengers, "Madame MacEvil" isn't the route to travel...

Moondragon's first appearence, before she was a dead lesbian dragon, courtesy of Mike Friedrich and George Tuska in Iron Man #54 (1973).

Pagan Alert!!

From the letters page of Fantastic Four #22 (1964):


Am I wrong to be worried we're going to see a lot of this as the Thor movie approaches? Or Wonder Woman?

...Even To The Edge Of Doom

It's no secret that my favorite comic of all time is the Fantastic Four. And it's also no secret that I'm not particularly thrilled with the way that Millar and Hitch are handling my foursome.

First, there's the dour, dank and depressing art. This is the Fantastic Four, for heaven's sake!! Things should, at least on occasion, be bright and colorful, right?!? Not so. With the artwork by Bryan Hitch and assorted inkers, and colors by Paul Mounts, the Fantastic Four have become the Fotorealistic Four, or the Fairlymonochromatic Four. Everything is washed out and drab, as if photographed through a damn filter. During this run, have we had a single scene set during daylight hours? (Please don't respond--I know the answer is yes--but...). Everything takes place at night, or in dimly lit rooms, or on glum and overcast days, or in a snow storm. This is the FF, by thunder, Marvel's first family, the World's Greatest Comic Magazine, "adventurers, explorers and imaginauts"...would it kill them to at least go out in the sunshine once? To actually have some color and excitement? Just looking at the pages these days--regardless of what is happening--is damn near sleep inducing. And that stinks.

And then there are Millar's plots, which manage to be both terribly predictable and terribly boring. I think that he thinks he's being awfully clever, but he telegraphs his punchlines months ahead of time, and what he plans to be big "ta-da!" moments turn out to be "uh, we figured that out several issues ago, sir" moments. Example: in the first storyline of his run, we're given an artificial replica of Earth being created in a parallel dimension, for when our Earth becomes uninhabitable. The next storyline features the "New Defenders" come from the future, seeking refuge for the 8 billion inhabitants of depleted Earth 2509, and planning to move them all onto contemporary Earth. Now, it seems pretty obvious that you're going to give this "Nu-World" to them, right? This was clear from minute number 1, no? Apparently not, as Millar spent five issues pretending that no one could figure out the only possible resolution.

And then there is the "Death of The Invisible Woman" storyline, in which we're introduced to an elderly Susan Richards come from that future...yet somehow we're not supposed to know immediately that the future Sue is the one who is going to die, as Millar continues to give interviews pretending that it's the present-day Sue who's going to kick the bucket. Perhaps he believes his audience is too stupid to figure out the obvious answer to his silly conundrum. No stupider than the rest of the Fantastic Four, I suppose, as we're supposed to believe that none of them recognized future Sue. Apparently, someone who looks sixty bears absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to someone in their forties (must be all the dim lighting Hitch and Mounts are giving them).

But the capper came this week, as it becomes apparent that Millar has absolutely no idea how to write Doctor Doom. There's certainly room for variations, for slightly skewed takes on the good Doctor. But there's also a certain baseline, you would think.

But in this week's FF #562 (only 3 months late!!), Reed goes to visit Von Doom, who is being held in the Hague awaiting a trial for crimes against humanity:


It's obvious what Millar was trying to do here--he wants to impress us about how scary forthcoming Villain X is, by showing that even Victor is in awe of his power. Bendis tried the same tactic (and I can't believe I'm saying this, but he did it much better!) with the mysterious "figure behind the door" in Purple Reign #1.

But...but...whereas in PR Doom sat silently, here he praises villain X as his "master," as "the one who taught me everything I know." Which, of course, is never, never, never how Victor Von Doom would do it. Ever.

This is Victor Von Doom, who, when confronted with the near-infinite power of the Beyonder, didn't grovel or declare him "master"--he decided to seize that power for himself!! This is Doctor Doom, who is willing to face off against Galactus, his heralds, Mephisto. With any being of such power as Doom describes Villain X, can there be any doubt that the lord of Latveria would simply try to seize the power for himself?

And note (from Doom's origin in FF Annual #2 (1964)):


Doom clearly didn't learn "everything he knew" from Villain X (unless, of course, he had been one of the monks...hmmmm). And when Doom learned from you, he surpassed you, and became your master--not vice versa!!

And especially in front of Reed Richards--would Victor acknowledge any being to be his superior? Admit indebtedness to him for knowledge? Even as a ruse. Doom's ego wouldn't let him do that.

So thanks, Mark Millar, for reducing Doctor Doom to the Darth Vader to Villain X's Darth Sidious, for turning Marvel's greatest villain into a lackey. Well played.

Oh, and by the way...if you're holding Doom prisoner, wouldn't you at least make him take off the damned armor? Hell, let him keep the mask--although that's a pretty terrible idea:

...but for crying out loud put him in prison wear and get rid or the armor!! I'm just saying...

Friday Night Fights--Movie Crossover Style!!

Marvel's two big movie stars are going to have a...discussion.

At this point in time, Hulk has Bruce Banner's intelligence running the show, and Tony has his latest version of an anti-Hulk armor ready to rumble. How's that working out for you, Tony?


Ah, about as well as all the other times, I see. And now, enjoy a cacophonous clash between celluloid savants:





Unfortunately, the idiots settle their difference peacefully, by talking things out. What do they think this is, an afterschool special?!? Spacebooger would know a better way to deal with this...

The first scenes of the new Avengers movie are brought to us by Len Kaminski and Kev Hopgood in Iron Man #305 (1994).

Turning The Other Cheek

Well, after criticizing Ed Benes for focusing on the posteriors of females, I suppose fair is fair, and I should take a look at other prominent portrayers of asses.

Also, I'm aware that a certain segment of the fan population is...well...fascinated with portions of Hal Jordan's anatomy. So I might as well try to raise my readership amongst that demographic for 2009, right?

Legend has it that we saw lots, and lots, and lots of Hal's tushie in the olden days. So in the name of science, I grabbed a random Silver Age Green Lantern from my slush pile. Specifically, Green Lantern #56 (1967), by John Broome and Gil Kane. And let me just say...Ed Benes in his wildest dreams couldn't draw as many asses as Gil Kane. Here, presented mainly without comment, is every ass shot of a Green Lantern from that issue:







It's not just Hal Jordan, of course...this next section is for you Xudarian ladies out there...






Now back to Hal...








Now that's a lotta ass!!

For the sake of completeness, I should note that there were a few questionable shots, where coloring or contorted anatomy or poor printing left in unclear whether it was Hal's ass we were seeing. I left those out, so the number could have been higher. Also, several non-GL asses were pictured, but I also left those out. So, believe it or not, there could have been a lot more cheek shown here.

Happy New Year!