Saturday, May 31, 2008

Resumé

Jim Salicrup wrote the introduction to The Nearly Complete Essential Hembeck Archives Omnibus. From the little bio paragraph at the end of the intoduction:

Jim Salicrup gets a bio, and Stan Lee doesn't?Wait a minute...let's look at one sentence again:

"...known for editing the best-selling Spider-Man #1."

Really?

Because when people talk about the sales frenzy surrounding Spider-Man #1, the first thing they mention is Salicrup's editing

Salicrup edited THE HELL out of this comicBilly: Dude, I just got a copy of Spider-Man #1!!
Jimmy: Winnage! Isn't that the one that was edited by Jim Salicrup??
Billy: You know it is!! I've almost completed my collection of Salicrup-edited comics!
Jimmy: Hey, didn't somebody famous write or draw that, or somethin'?
Billy: Oh, who cares about that...just check out this editing!!
Jimmy: Whoa!!

Apologies to Jim Salicrup...I just felt like being a dick today, I guess. But you've got to admit, it's a silly line in the bio...

Hoarded Treasure

Despite all the Grant Morrison, despite the Starman omnibus, this was the best new release this week:

Keen eye, funny drawings...who needs more??Ahhh, big-city-phone-book-sized goodness...

But, despite the 900-page size, this book is correctly titled, and it is only "nearly complete." Missing is all the work he did for Marvel and DC. The Marvel Age pieces, the Daily Planet strips, Fred Hembeck Destroys the Marvel Universe, Fred Hembeck Sells the Marvel Universe, the Fantastic Four Roast, etc.

Now, look, Marvel and DC. This long-unseen material isn't making you any money just sitting around in your vaults. So now, while the Hembeck iron is hot, why not republish this stuff, in trade or omnibus or essential or whatever? You could make some money, and please some fans at the same time.

Or better yet, what about commissioning some NEW work from Hembeck?!? Because, heaven knows, the DC & Marvel universes could certainly use some levity these days. An ability to laugh at themselves has been missing from these companies for awhile (Eliopoulos and Sumerak's Franklin Richards strips being an obvious exception).

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Man's Best Friend Style!!

In Metropolis, when dog bites man, it's still a story. At least with this dog, and this man.

Clark and Lois are out walking Krypto, when who decides to show up in Metropolis, but big, bad Mongul. But Krypto is having none of that!!

Clearly, Mongul knows little of the Legion of Super-Pets
Dogs with heat vision=troubel for cats
Yes, Lois, Mongul's biggest crime is that he's a jerk who hits dogsWell, Superman and Mongul tussle for a bit, when Kal-El decides to play fetch with Krypto:

Really, this clown is going to take on the whole Green Lantern Corps??
Kids--don't try this at home with your pets
Nice shot of Mongul's butt, Dale Keown
No, you're supposed to piddle on trees, not destroy them, Krypto!
Mongul objects to that treatment:

My, what big teeth you have, Mongul
My, what a tiny waist you have, LoisUh-oh (better hide your eyes if you're the sensitive type):

Garfield's nightmare
OuchWho let the dogs out? Bahlactus let the dogs out...

The reason why no veterinarian would dare to neuter Krypto is from Superman #170 (2001).

Thursday, May 29, 2008

You Call Him "Doctor" No, Doll-face!

Elsewhere in the Monstrobot empire...

My Bond-movie-a-week blogging really hits its stride today over at I Expect You To Die!!, with a waaaay-overlong analysis of the first James Bond moive, Dr. No.

Bat-Monk

Sometimes you pass from obsessive to anal to something else entirely:

Next...Batman obsessively checking to make sure he locked the batmobileThe questions this raises:
  • Batman had to "insist" on making the table level? What, was one of the JLA planning on making it not level? Why? This was an issue for some reason?

  • Superman says that Batman "already knows" the table is "perfectly level." I can just see him taking out his Bat-laser-level before every Justice League meeting, double checking that no nefarious no-goodnick has put the table one micron out of balance.

  • Really, Batman, what difference would it make if the table weren't perfectly level? JLA headquarters are destroyed every 3 months, anyway...
Maybe it shouldn't be Batman R.I.P...it should be Batman OCD.

Batman tells us too much about his mental state in JLA 80-Page Giant #3, 2000. And if you enjoyed laughing at Batman's hangups, try watching Monk on USA...where it's OK to laugh at mental disease!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Who's Not There?

Yesterday my pal Siskoid, as part of his Encyclopedia Week, took a look at JLA Secret Files and Origins #1 (1997).

Just by coincidence, I had read this exact comic on Sunday, having recently purchased it out of the quarter bin. He posted before I got to say what I wanted...but I promise I'm not ripping him off or riding his coattails.

He showed you Phil Jimenez's two-page spread of all of the official Justice Leaguers over the years. Me, I wanted to show you the spread with all the villains:

That's a heapin' helpin' of evilAnd, because I love you guys, here's the legend (click for readable size):


I really didn't have any huge point to make here. I just wanted to point out that, here at the height of the Grant Morrison/Mark Millar run on JLA, we have a huge spread featuring pretty much anyone the Justice League has ever fought...Irwin Teasdale? Seriously? Uberbot?!?!

Yet despite that, no trace of Libra in there.

Again, no point, I just found that interesting...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Abandon Floppies?

Last week, there was a fascinating back and forth on Occasional Superheroine between Valerie and Brian Wood, over the future of single issues versus just releasing brand new stories in trades. To violently summarize, Brian Wood on his LiveJournal asks


Note: this is purely, 110% hypothetical, not based on anything real or actual. But the idea is floated constantly by readers, so I thought I would ask to see what answers I get: Let's suppose a book like DMZ stopped coming out monthly and instead you got a 150-page original graphic novel every seven months or so, same production values as the trades, same everything as the trades. But obviously the cover price would have to go up...So how much would you pay for it? What's the highest that price tag could be before you decide it's too expensive to buy it?

To which Val responds in part:


Of course, this is the model that Vertigo should be doing. At the very most, have 2-3 strong-selling monthly floppies (if any), and everything else would be in graphic novel form right off the bat. Be easier to sell, get them right in the bookstores, easier to market, easier to promote.6 issues for $20. Squarebound, decent paper, suitable for viewing upon your bookshelf.This is indeed the wave of the future.


There are lots of good thoughts from each in the comments, plus lots of thoughtful responses from others, so take a look to get the full thrust of the arguments.

I thought I'd add a few thoughts of my own. Let me preface by saying I know absolutely nothing about the sales figures or economics involved, so if there's anybody who actually knows something, please listen to them instead of me.

I'll also confess that some of my skepticism on this issue stems from the small-c conservative in me, who wants things to remain the way they always were, and doesn't relish change in the way I've purchased my comics for 32+ years. I've done my best to filter that insipid bias out, but you should know where I'm coming from.

My first thought is, this seems like it might be bad for innovation, for new stories and new comic creators.

In the long-term, going straight to graphic novel form might make more economic sense, for titles and creators that people are already familiar with.

But what about new things? Would enough readers who are willing to risk $2.99 to try out a first issue of something new be just as willing to pony up $20? Especially if it's an odd concept or an unknown creative team?

It's easy enough to say, sure, everybody would have been willing to make that investment in Watchmen. But how much of that is hindsight? If a brand new graphic novel about unknown characters just turned up on the shelf, would you be willing to risk $20 on something you might not even end up liking?

And if you say, "I'd buy anything by Alan Moore," well, doesn't that just show that this system might make it very difficult for new talents to get their work published? Would you be equally willing to risk $20 on something by John Smith and John Doe, whom you've never heard of before?

If, instead of a $2.99 issue #1, Y the Last Man had just turned up on the shelf one day in a five-issue length trade for $14, would it have sold as well? Would as many people have tried it?

Again, try not to look at it with hindsight, already knowing that you liked these comics. A more mainstream example is DC's Booster Gold comic, which was not expected to be very good, but surprised people and has gotten generally pretty favorable reviews. Well, if it arrived instead in a 6-issue brick for $20, how many of us would have just skipped it? I'm thinking a lot.

So I'm concerned that this idea, if not properly executed, could stifle some projects before they're ever published. Vertigo might be reluctant to give a graphic novel to someone who wasn't already a name, and some worthy projects might not be picked up by readers unwilling to plunk down that much change.

How to properly execute? I'm going to say don't entirely kill the floppy...release a "first issue" simultaneously with the graphic novel, comprising the first chapter, at a cheap price. Also, DC/Vertigo would have to be pretty generous with review copies, to "mainstream" critics and bloggers, to get word of mouth out, to encourage people that the trade is worth the price. They should also heartily embrace digital previews, and not just 4 or 5 pages, but again whole chapters available so folks can see what the book is about. Finally, they would have to radically revamp the solicit/preview system, because a one-sentence blurb that ends with a question mark is not going to be enough to convince some people to make a big investment.

So color me skeptical...but if you get full commitment to the steps above, AND find way to ensure that new talent and new concepts aren't getting locked out, hey, maybe it will work.

A second, brief point: when Val says "get them right in the bookstores," I've got to wonder how much better her bookstores are than the ones I've got around here. In my local Barnes & Noble and Waldenbooks, the graphic novel section is a black hole. It's large but completely unorganized and impossible to find anything; maddeningly incomplete, if you're trying to collect runs of things; infuriatingly random selections; and it seems like nothing ever sells, because 90% of the titles, complete with the same bind splits and creased corners, have been on the shelf for years. If you're lucky enough to be one of the books that gets an endcap display, you might sell...but that seems determined more by what titles have gotten lots of media attention than by any any rational system (ie, lots and lots of Civil War and Death of Captain America and whatever ties into current movies, little Hernandez Brothers or Y the Last Man).

If book stores truly are going to be the savior of the industry, someone might want to tell the bookstores. Because right now they treat graphic novels like shit.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Manic Monday--Brian's Decision

From the inside cover of Spider-Man, Storm and Power Man #1, the stellar joint Marvel/American Cancer Society publication:

Brian has to deal with peer pressure.

Observe the mental calculus:

Marvel let's you make the call:

Some of my suggestions:



Make your own!! How do you deal with peer pressure, fellow smart asses?!?!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Tales From the Quarter Bin--This Is A Public Service Announcement

Someday, DC and Marvel have to put together Showcase/Essential editions to collect all the wonderful free comic books they published as Public Service Announcements over the years.

Case in point: Spider-Man, Storm and Power Man #1 (1982):

Was this a Spidey Super Stories cover?This joint, done in cooperation with the American Cancer Society, was a freebie that sought to discourage the tykes from smoking. While it's a commendable goal, quality-wise, well, it's pretty craptacular. You'd think that just because it's free comic, they assigned it to any old interns sitting around the Bullpen.

We start at a track meet:

When Powerman tells you to hustle...YOU DAMN WELL HUSTLE!!So, just like the Daily Planet, the Daily Bugle doesn't have any actual news to cover. "Parker, forget the Spider-Man pictures--go get me shots of that teen track team!! That'll sell papers!!"

Ah, but there's a human interest angle...and, of course, the overselling of the dangers of cigarettes:

Trouble in River City...So kids, if you start smoking, you'll make strange friends, keep late hours, and skip classes. That's science, you see.

Sadly, there's a flaw in Cage's plan to track down these nefarious tempters:

Spidey is such a name-dropperOK, so who would be less conspicuous than Cage?

Who the hell is Spidey waving at?Oh, yeah...white-haired statuesque African Goddess Ororo won't attract any attention at all...

After a couple of pages of a health class lecture on all the physical harms of tobacco, they again have to go for the overkill:

In the marvel universe, every super-hero has access to your permanent recordYup, smoking makes your grades drop!! More science!!

Hey, what is our bad guys' purpose, anyway? Well, their nefarious plot is:

We stand to win dozens of dollars!!So given that, in the Marvel PSA Universe, high school track meets attract big time illegal gambling, it's only logical that evil peeps would try to rig those track meets by hooking star athletes on cigarettes. Perfectly sensible. Brilliant plan.

Meanwhile, Storm's mission isn't going so hot:

Storm failed her stealthy surveillence lessons from WolverineAnd what major villain took down Storm with no discernible effort?

Hmmm...ripe for a comeback??Oh, dear. Memo to Marvel: Please don't have villains with "SS" on their chests, unless they're Nazis. Especially in PSA comics for kids. Thank you.

Well, after many pointless pages and nagging lectures, our heroes of course triumph, after some typical Luke Cage battle dialogue:

Luke Cage, legal scholar for hire!
We'll keep the money for ourselves...I mean 'return it to the rightful owners'Wait a minute: the money was returned to its "rightful owners?" This was an illegal gambling operation--the cops wouldn't give the bettors their money back!!

Anyway, our athlete learns his lesson, spends the next 48 hours getting back in shape, manages to finish second, but everybody respects him now and welcomes him back to "the winning team."

The problem with this PSA effort--like many others--is that it piles on too hard. Not content to point out the vile physical effects of tobacco, Marvel and the ACS feel obliged to attribute every other vice and ill in the Western hemisphere to tobacco, too: illegal gambling and sports fixing, hooliganism, poor grades, rejecting old friends, a big ego, pool halls (seriously)...I'm surprised they didn't blame hurricanes and nuclear proliferation on cigarettes, too. And of course, such wild overstatements trigger the bullshit alarms in the heads of their target audience, somewhat mooting any effectiveness of their message.

Here's something interesting, from 1998:

Ah, the foul stench of 90s Marvel artI don't have this one, I just found it on GCD. So is it just the same old story reprinted, with a new title (to reflect Luke's re-branding) and a disturbingly 90s cover? On the cover Smokescreen looks completely different. Did they re-do the entire issue?? Man, this is going to keep me up all night...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Thanking Heaven For Small Favors

After this and this, Bendis gives us another gem in this week's Mighty Avengers:

'Den?' 'DEN?'!?
Out of all the 'th' words, Ben only pronounces one oddly...that's what passes for characterization in Bendis' Mighty AvengersGiven his mastery of Dr. Doom's dialogue, and the random "dey" and "den" from Ben Grimm, I'm thanking my lucky stars that Bendis isn't writing Fantastic Four. Dat's the truth...

Bond--Beta Version

If you're bored, take a look at newest post on my companion blog, I Expect You To Die!, as we examine the very first attempt to put James Bond on the screen. Believe it or not, they made Bond into an American, named Jimmy Bond!! James Bond--before they knew what the hell they were doing!!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Stone Cold Style

You gotta know your enemy's weaknesses--and his strengths, too.

He pronounces his name in foppish font!When bashful Benjamin Grimm is fighting the Grey Gargoyle, well, the fight is all-Ben, as one might expect:

mmmm...mashed potatoes
Somebody stop the fight!
You'd think Ben would more sensitive about using 'Doom' as a sound effect......But watch out for his hands:

Vulcan mind meld
Everybody MUST get stonedD'oh!

(of course, he's just changed from orange rock to grey rock, and it's kinda hard to tell in B&W...you just gotta trust me on this one)

That just goes to show you, never let your guard down. Unless you're Bahlactus...because then Gargoyle doesn't get within touching distance before he's toast!!

Petrifying action from Fantastic Four #38 (2001)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The 300...Licence To Kill

Well, this is the big 3-0-0, and sadly, I don't have anything really special planned.

Oh, wait, yes I do:

Keeping the British end upThat's right, it's Stage 2 in the Monstrobot plan to conquer the internet: my new James Bond movie blog, I Expect You To Die!

I'm a HUGE Bond fan, and I wanted to celebrate the countdown to Bond 22, Quantum of Solace. But I didn't want to bore you peeps who aren't into 007. So, I decided to keep Slay Monstrobot purely comic book (mostly), while spinning off a second piece of the empire.

I Expect You To Die! is going to be weekly or semi-weekly, and it won't interfere with my (mostly) daily posts hereabouts. So if you're at all interested in glory that is James Bond in action, head on over and check it out.

Meanwhile, let's take a quick retrospective of some of this blog's greatest hits:

*Judge Dredd vs. Stan Lee (really)
*Superman vs. a TRS-80 (really)...and Superman loses!
*SHATNER!
*Underdog comics are the best place to find sex toys
*Bob Haney, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Gorillas
*So very close to being the BEST--COMIC--EVER!!
*The single most unjustified use of Jimmy Olsen's signal watch EVER!

All right, that's enough. Tune in every day for more of the same old same old. Peace out.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Maybe This Explain's Carrot Top's Success

From Charlton Bullseye #4, 1981:

Amazingly, none of the people who read this comic in 1981 found money or power or love
Reading the thoughts of others??
Best Wheel of Fortune response?
Click for a completely honest FAQTry not to keep your loved ones up with the chanting...

Meanwhile, tune in tomorrow (Thursday) for my epic 300th post, and the most momentous announcement in Slay Monstrobot history!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"What Is Your Favorite Color?"

Really, was that so hard?

From last week's Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four #1. Let's set the scene. A Skrull, posing as Susan Richards, has forced open the Negative Zone portal, sending part of the Baxter Building there. She's trying to convince Johnny Storm that it's really Ben Grimm who's the Skrull. Let's watch, shall we?

Hmmmm
This couldn't possibly work...
Whoa...you can actually unmask Skrulls without Spider-senses or magic or scent?? Don't tell Bendis...So, after 95 months of "Are you a Skrull? No, but you're Skrully! Oh, there's no way we can detect these Skrulls!!", we finally get someone who's smart enough to actually try to figure out--by logic and questioning-- whether someone actually IS a Skrull. And it's not Reed Richards or Tony Stark or Nick Fury. Nope, it's Johnny Freakin' Storm.

I mean, look at it...these Skrulls are supposed to be the ultimate infiltrators, perfect duplicates who are completely undetectable. And yet they can't handle a simple frakkin' question. "What's your favorite movie?!?!?!?!" Seriously, how can these clowns infiltrate anything?? They apparently couldn't even win the Newlywed Game, let alone pose as people's loved ones.

This example is ESPECIALLY egregious, because it turns out that the Skrull posing as Sue is Lyja. Lyja, who was MARRIED to Johnny Storm, and a de facto member of the Fantastic Four for awhile. Lyja, who in theory would be the Skrull who knew the FF better than any other Skrull, and thus the one best able to pull off the infiltration. Lyja, who couldn't remember even the most basic information from Sue's Facebook page, and so was revealed.

So that's the big threat from Skrullapalooza: morons who didn't even do their basic homework on their subjects, who can be revealed with the simplest of questions? You think Bendis and Marvel have maybe been overselling this a little bit? A mean, based on what we've seen here, this guy could stop the whole invasion by himself:



Now if only everyone else in the Marvel Universe were as smart as the Human Torch, this thing would be wrapped up next issue, and we could go back to focusing our hate on DC...

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dan DiDio--Fool Me Once, Shame On You...

OK, it wasn't too long ago that I reviewed what the the first issue, or at least the cover of that issue, of Countdown had promised us, as compared to what the series actually delivered. And I was forced to call "Liar, liar, pants on fire" on Dan DiDio (amongst others).

Well, some people can't keep from fibbing, I guess. Let's look at an interview he gave Newsarama back in December:

NRAMA: When we’re talking about Final Crisis are we looking at another Countdown style event with multiple spin offs and plot threads going into other series?

DD: No - Final Crisis is seven issues over eight months. It has a natural break built in between two of the issues. During that natural break, there will be a series of specials dealing with Final Crisis and the events of that natural break in the story.

There will also be two other supporting series for Final Crisis, one of them is a five part story, one of them is a six part story. That is the full extent of Final Crisis. So we will not see Final Crisis crossing over in any appreciable manner with the rest of the line. All of the other monthly books will continue on the stories they’re telling, with their established creative teams for those series.

If we go any further or any wider…wait – you know what? I don’t want to be called a liar seven months from now when we add one more special or something, let me couch that – at this point, there are no plans to extend Final Crisis past that initial conceit, because we feel that what we have planned covers all the major story elements for that storyline. If we have to go any wider, when we will create a special, but we will not incorporate any of the Final Crisis storyline beats in any of the monthly series.
OK, so let's recap: Just 2 supporting series,. A single-issue special or two. And "7 months from now," if there's a change or two, well, it won't be much of a change.

So, 5 months later, let's look at what's actually solicited by DC for August:

Final Crisis: Revelations (1 of 5)
Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds (1 of 5)
Final Crisis: Rogues' Revenge (2 of 3)
Final Crisis: Superman Beyond (1 of 2)
Final Crisis: Last Will and Testament (1 of 1)

Ahem.

"There will also be two other supporting series for Final Crisis...That is the full extent of Final Crisis." (emphasis added)

"I don’t want to be called a liar seven months from now when we add one more special or something..."

Five months later, we've already climbed from 2 "supporting series" to 4. Anybody wanna take any bets that the number doesn't grow again before too long? And the "series on specials" during the one-month break in Final Crisis proper is...one. They actually subtracted.

Congratulations, Dan. You've earned another coveted "Liar, liar, pants on fire" award. Keep up the good work.

Manic Monday--Angle Is a Hottie!!

This one is for the ladies (or gentlemen, if they prefer):

Even Walter Cronkite thinks Warren is hot
Wouldn't it be cool if Warren had chest-feathers instead of chest hair??
Byrne and Layton...drawing hunky males for 30+ yearsYup...LLWW3.

Monday beefcake from Giant Size Incredible Hulk #1, reprinting the Stern/Byrne/Layton classic from Incredible Hulk Annual #7 (1978). Wait...was that REALLY 30 years ago? Wow...I am f#$%ing old...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday Night Fights---T.H. Style!!

Sometimes, I just am flabbergasted.

Right after I finish a 9,000,000 word post on a Leo Dorfman/Kurt Schaffenberger Lois Lane opus, I come across the duo doing their voodoo over in Jimmy Olsen #159. Beware...whatever your orientation, this one will leave you feeling funny.

The scene: Jimmy Olsen is being hunted by the police, who believe that he's selling the police department's "anti-crime plans" to the underworld. (SPOILER ALERT: He's innocent). So he's got to go on the lam. Jimmy disguises himself while trying to track down "Max the Actor," "the notorious hood who uses a dozen disguises to pull off his jobs."

So what does Jimmy decide to disguise himself as?

And that book would be, 'My Life as a Woman'Oh, this is going to be wrong on sooo many levels, isn't it?

Slick chick isn't the exact phrase I would useBut Jimmy, cuffs and collars don't match!!

Wait--he wants guys to whistle at him?Jimmy Olsen in a mini-skirt just may be THE MOST DISTURBING THING EVER...

Thugs attracted to guys dressed like damesUnderworld thugs, prepare for a beat down:

This move stolen by Angie Dickinson for Police WomanNo one wields a purse like Jimmy..

Later, Jimmy is captured by the police and their "masquerade squad" (please don't ask). But one of the cops is actually Max the Actor, so it's time for Jimmy to take him down, even while handcuffed:

Jimmy Olsen, with boobs, wearing handcuffs, belting a cop--this got past the Code how??Oh, that's a knockout!!

Our sweet epilogue:

So say we all, Commissioner...so say we allMan , Dorfman and Schaffenberger, you guys...well, you guys rock, in a crazy, deluded, mind-melting sort of way.

And I can't believe that I made it all the way through here without once using the phrase "tranny hooker."

Oops, there go my Google hits...

No disguise can fool Bahlactus...he can tell the men from the women, right?

Jimmy's life as a tranny hooker is joyfully presented in Jimmy Olsen # 159, 1973

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Gone Fishin'

I'll be dark again this weekend...another road trip. I've pre-posted a Friday Night Fights, but otherwise I won't be around until Monday. I probably won't even get a chance to read my comic books, so nobody out there spoil them for me, OK?

Meanwhile, tune in next week for a MAJOR announcement about some changes in these parts.

And, by way of a parting gift, here's a brief preview of tomorrow's Friday Night Fight:

Insert wolf whistleOh, you have no idea of how much this one is going to hurt...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lois Over Parador

This is not my fault. Blame my loyal readers for the pain you're about to experience.

Back in December, I put up a small post mocking Lois' outfit. But I didn't talk much about the story itself, because I didn't want anyone's head to explode.

Then on Monday, as a lark I posted a letter from a subsequent issue, referring back to that story. I just thought the editor gave one of the patented DC silly answers, and it amused me.

But now EVERYBODY seems to want to know what that story is about. You guys are a masochistic lot.

So prepare yourself for a story that makes less than no sense. A tale, told by Leo Dorfman and Kurt Schaffenberger, that has no beginning, middle or end. A twist that will make your head explode...seriously. So abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because we're taking on Lois Lane #75 (1967), in a tale truthfully titled "The Lady Dictator!"

Once more un to the breach, kidsSomewhat unusually for the day, this was a book-length epic. But that doesn't stop Dorfman (Flounder?) and Schaffenberger from starting in the middle of events, as Superman crashes a pool party. Lois, though, is expecting him:

Superman visits Hef's grotto
All the other women at the pool had 2-piece bathing suits...not modest Lois, thoughIt turns out that Superman has amnesia! Why? We don't know yet! But anyway, Superman found a picture of himself and Lois in his cape, and sought her out. Surely, she will help him remember everything, right?

You're also my obedient love slave...Whaaa? Why would Lois punk her boyfriend like that? Here's why:

This guy is sooo Earth-2 it hurtsYou see, it was Lois who needed the secret identity, because a lame villain named the Maestro has kidnapped her sister, and is forcing her to help in his "Symphony of Crime."

Quick aside: we were always told that Superman couldn't reveal his secret ID, because then all of his friends and loved one would be in jeopardy. But in the Silver Age, weren't Clark's friends the EXACT same set as Superman's? Jimmy Olson, Perry White, Lois Lane...everybody ALREADY knew they were Superman's friends, so hiding that you were Clark wasn't protecting them. And since Ma and Pa Kent were passed away, who the hell was Clark trying to protect??

Anyway, since Lois is being forced to help the Maestro complete his plan (what plan? Where did the amnesia come from? Relax, true believer, we're only 3 pages into the story!), she seals the deal with a dreadful pun, and directs Kal-El to rendezvous with her in a mythical Latin American nation:

Wait until she tells him he's the man of T.O Morrow
I'll avoid the Manzilla jokesWell, when we get there, we discover that the dictator-for-life of Santoro, the famous General Tigre, is none other than Lois herself!!

Method acting, Lois?Santoro could be Spanish for Saint Bull. I'm just sayin'
Confused yet? Good, that might cushion the blow from your head exploding a few paragraphs from now. In an attempt to flatter there fearless leader, a famous artist has crafted a tribute to Lois/Tigre:

Too bad they didn't save this for later issues...Just for fun, let's look at a close-up of how Latin American sculptors dressed in 1967:

Artists are fops in any language, it seemsO...K.....meanwhile, Lois is really getting into her role as dictator, and the peons aren't happy:

Oh, please throw them anyway...Well, it turns out that the statue contained a huge bomb. Which leads us to the infamous panel that led to the questioning letter:

Really...this is the one panel the letter writer objected to...go figureNow, I could have come up with 17 better answers than "he won a one peso raffle," not limited to: A) This particular revolutionary wasn't poor B) it was a family heirloom C) it was stolen D) it was purchased with the coins Lois tossed to the crowd E) the peons pooled their money, because if you're staging a revolution, you damned well need to know what time it is. But no, Mort Weisinger went for the "one peso raffle." Sigh...

Anyway, confused Superman saves the day, and the artist and his family are arrested and to be executed. Yay!

Or not. Lois has no choice but to comply with Maestro's plan (what plan?!?! patience, padawan...) because it's not just Lucy he holds captive, but her parents, too. And he proves to be an early version of the Psycho Pirate, with a keyboard that can project emotions onto people:

Previewing 80's pop music 20 years early

Lucy Lane's O face?You decide which relative's emotions are scariest. Plus, note the foreshadowing. Hey, what about the real General Tigre? Where's she been this whole time?

This plot makes less and less sense every time i read it...Wait a minute...wasn't that Lois' face on the coins and the statue? If she and Tigre don't look anything alike...no, stop thinking, it can only hurt you here.

Now, we're finally getting close to unveiling Maestro's plan. Don't get your hopes up, we're not there yet...but there is discernible progress:

That so belongs in the batcave
Even his own men can't follow the plot..
Every villain's cave has a portable x-ray generatorNow, note some more wonderful foreshadowing:

Gee, will this come into play later??

loius is preparing for her Peter Parker auditionsSo, this whole shebang--setting up Lois to pose as a famous dictator whom she looks nothing like, manipulating Superman's mysterious amnesia--is all to get Superman to x-ray vision a big ass gem, and make things blow up. Why? Hang on, crew, we're getting there...you can't rush Leo Dorfman!!

Back to business. Remember the artist who was to be executed? Well, guess who gets to pull the trigger?

Another Santoran custom: giving loaded weapons to people who can just shoot you and free their familyStunningly, Lois passes the buck to the Man of Steal, who whines like a little girl:

Superman needing a gun is like the Hulk needing one...oh, wait...

Couldn't he just tell her to F off?
Pretty good shot for never having used a gunIt's a fake, right? Nope:

Captions never lieI just have to comment here: even if he does have amnesia, Superman is being a total puss. Is there some reason he HAS to obey Lois' orders? Yeah, he maybe thinks he's evil, but why would puny human Lois be the boss? He's totally whipped...he just whines and whines while doing whatever Lois says...

Now, get ready...we're nearing the exploding head portion of our story. Superman x-rays the gem, and destroys the massing rebel troops.

A DC hero with a code against killing? How 1960s
This is clearly from Lois and Clark's BDSM fantasies
Why, who could this possibly kill??Are you ready for the Maestro's real plan? Brace yourself:

Wait a minute...if he has amnesia, how does he even know he's American?Yeah, because that worked out so well for Cuba...but before Superman can thwart the scheme:

Gold kryptonite? Geoff Johns' approves!!
What a pair of pathetic losersWell, that's it. Superman's a murderer and permanently depowered, Lois helped destroy him, the U.S. is doomed. Game Over!

Uh, no.

Now, I've got to warn you. If you have a weak heart, or recent head trauma, you might want to log off right now. Because this next panel is going to cause intense cranial pressure resulting in a Scanners-like explosion:

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?HUH?? WHAT?!?!?! WHO? HOW??? I DON'T----BLAMMMM!

Damn you, DORFMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I did warn you.

Yes, DC back in 1967 gave us the first "flash forward," albeit into a hypothetical future. This story was its own Elseworlds. And so now Dorfman shows us what "really" happened (remember all our foreshadowing):

It's like Wayne's World doing the Scooby Doo ending
Memo to villains: always lock your keyboards
And how, exactly, does Lois have these memories to transmit?
Seriously...this is Superman's woosiest story EVERHey, what about the amnesia?!?! Anyway, Lois' scheme (which conveniently involved making her boyfriend cry) results in a restoration of all things good, and the undeniably turn-on of seeing Lois lead a popular rebellion:

...except those supported by Uncle Sam!!
Am I wrong to think that lois looks ultra-hot here?Afterwards, we FINALLY find out why Superman had amnesia--the Maestro had tried to control him with his "emotion organ" (ewww), but it couldn't overcome Kryptonian invulnerability, and instead just wiped his memory. Yeah, right.

So, all's well that ends well, and--hey, wait a minute!! What about the family Superman shot to death?

They're fairly cavalier about Superman executing them...
We tried to kill you, and now we believe you when you say you're our friend??
Super-aim...this guy has more powers than J'onn J'onzzPhew, that was a close one!!

So, yeah, Chris, the peons/watch problem was hardly the most pressing problem in Lois Lane #75. We had the birth of a new literary device, ridiculously convoluted story-telling, lame cop outs, stunning outfits...You see, when you read about everybody doing drugs in the 60s, this kind of proves that's true, because the readers really had no qualms except about the watch and a bullfighting scene (which I omitted for you, you're welcome). One letter writer did declare "the Maestro is a better villain than Luthor and Brainiac combined."

Don't do drugs, kids. And don't do flash forwards, either.



And if I ever do a post this long again, just shoot me, OK?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

What the #$%^--Reporters Desperate to Somehow Ride the Coattails of a Blockbuster

In perhaps one of the least necessary stories ever published by a reputable news outlet:

REAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS QUESTION INDIANA JONES' M.O.

Damn, and I thought that Indy was a 100% accurate depiction of archaeology...

In follow-up stories, the AP will reveal that real MI6 agents question James Bond's methods, actual astronauts question the realism of Flash Gordon, and police officials suggest that maybe, just maybe, CSI exaggerates the role of crime lab technicians.

Sheesh...

Kontinuity Kop--Action Comics Annual #11

DC has me working hard these daysAll right, all right, what exactly is going on here? Just another egregious case of both a continuity conundrum, and another egregious example of DC letting some writers do whatever they want, no matter what it does to the work of others.

So, who had 14 months in the pool?Let's take a quick look at Action Comics Annual #11. Now, it's bad enough--embarrassing enough--that this resolution to the "Last Son" story is appearing MORE THAN ONE YEAR after the previous chapter. Hell, it makes All-Star Superman look like it's published in a timely manner. After much fanfare and hoopla over Richard Donner co-writing this arc, it's gotta suck to have to bail on the story and continue it at some (much, much, much) later date.

But the funny thing is, the rest of the Superman stable was publishing during this delay, and guess what? It doesn't match up at all with how Johns and Donner conclude the arc.

At the end of this story, Lor-Zod (aka Chris Kent), the Kryptonian tyke born in the Phantom Zone and sort of adopted by Lois and Clark, sacrifices himself by going back into the Phantom Zone to seal the breach that is keeping it open. This is clearly a big deal, because Superman gets all broody about it.

Looks gone to me...
Kal-El plays peek-a-boo

Afterwards, Mon-El cannot find any trace of Chris...he's somewhere deep in the Zone, apparently. And in the little character capsules bit in the back of the issue, Johns clearly tells us that Chris is still in the Zone, his whereabouts "remain a mystery."

Let's contradict the past 14 issues of Action Comics!
WAIT A MINUTE!!!During Kurt Busiek's run, haven't we seen many, MANY stories with Chris Kent, set AFTER the defeat of the Phantom Zone invasion? You know, Kal-El gave him a red sun watch, they enrolled him in school, he helped defeat the Daxamites in Busiek's last issue...remember?

Now, there's no way you can suggest that everything we saw in Superman somehow took place between the events portrayed in Action...what, they took a break from saving Metropolis to buy Chris clothes and put him in school?? Even if you were to, somehow, claim that Busiek's Superman stories all took place DURING Last Son, there's no gap, no place where they could have!! And if you want to argue that Chris somehow subsequently escaped the Zone, well, where's that story?? Where's a single line of dialogue, "We're so glad you escaped the Zone?" We never saw it. Busiek apparently wrote his stories from the assumption that Chris would be permanently around, not lost in the Phantom Zone.

It's almost as if nobody at Superman knew how the story in Action was going to end. Which is pretty funny, because both mags had the same editor, Matt Idelson. So which is it, Matt--did you let Busiek write all those stories with Chris Kent when you knew they couldn't happen? Or did you somehow not know that Johns was going to leave Chris lost in the Phantom Zone? Would it be too much to suggest that either way, you resign immediately due to gross incompetence?

No, the sad fact is, right now Geoff Johns is the horse pulling the DC Universe cart, and whatever he says, goes. He IS DC continuity right now, no matter what anybody else writes. What he wants to happen for the Legion is what's going to happen, period, and now it looks like Jim Shooter is being booted off in favor of Johns. Johns has his pet theories about the "emotional spectrum" in Green Lantern, and now much of DC ret-conned to reflect that. He wanted the pre-Crisis Superman back, so he waves his wand and huzzah--with no notice or explanation young Clark Kent hung with the Legion, all colors of Kryptonite are back in play, etc. And if he wants to banish certain characters to the Phantom Zone, well, why the hell should he bother to inform Kurt Busiek, anyway?

Remember...DC doesn't have continuity, it has wikinuity. And Geoff Johns is the one with the eraser.

BONUS KONTINUITY KOP PREDICTION:
Hmmm...Young Chris Kent is trapped in the Phantom Zone for the foreseeable future. Geoff Johns is writing the Legion of 3 Worlds, and probably taking over the regular Legion title. Hmmm, do I smell a way to introduce a NEW Superboy to the Legion, one who is not Clark Kent and thus maybe not subject to the strictures of current legal proceedings?? You read it here first...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Manic Monday--Quick Thinking

From the letters page in Lois Lane #78, 1967:

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Nick Fury's Avenger Babies

Hmmmm....too quiet around here...no more Countdown, Final Crisis hasn't started...whatever shall I rant about?

Gee, a Skrull variant of a famous Marvel cover? Who would have thought?Not so Secret InvasionAhhh, thank you, Bendis.

Let's start with Mighty Avengers #13. For the 3rd consecutive week, Bendis has given us a regular Avengers title in which THE AVENGERS DO NOT APPEAR!!

The pattern is that Mighty Avengers will cover Nick Fury's secret doings doing his time gone walkabout, while New Avengers will look at the Skrull side of things.

I asked this question last week, but let's try again: why is this stuff in the Avengers, and not the Skrullapalooza maxi?? Maybe it's just me, but if you're going to have stories that reveal the backgrounds and characterizations of your main players of your major event, shouldn't that actually APPEAR in that big event? Or if somehow you can't shoe-horn that into your packed series (yeah, right...see below), or maybe as a separate mini-series? Why banish the Avengers from their own books??

Frankly, they should just change the title of Mighty Avengers to Nick Fury's Avengers Babies. Then it would make sense.

I should point out, in Bendis' defense, that in one page here he actually gives Ares' more dialogue and character than in all 12 previous issues of MA combined!! Wow.

By the way, does Fury's plan make a lick of sense? Look, he suspects everyone, so he's collecting "unknown" offspring of super-powered beings. The theory being, that if the Skrulls didn't know they were super-powered, they wouldn't have replaced them.

Huh? A) The theory didn't work so well with Jarvis, did it? B) Wouldn't the Skrulls want to get close to some of the heroes? So even if it wasn't known that Ares' son Alex was Phobos, isn't it possible that a Skrull still replaced him just to get to Ares?? C) Fury's assumption that nobody else knows about his "caterpillars" is dangerously arrogant, ain't it? If Fury can figure out that these kids have powers, why the hell couldn't the Skrulls??

On to Skrullapalooza #2. Sigh.

Here's one of the reasons I'm complaining about all this background taking place in the Avengers. Because NOTHING happens in this issue. Nothing at all.

Look at the plot lines set up in Skrullapalooza #1: fake Pym discombobulating Reed Richards. Not followed up in #2. Agent Brand and the rest of the SWORD agents are about to die in space. Not mentioned in #2. The SHIELD Helicarrier is about to crash into Manhattan. Not mentioned in #2. ALL the Stark tech on Earth is down. Not mentioned in #2, except for Iron Man's armor. There were prison breaks at the Raft and the Cube. Not mentioned in #2. Captain Marvel attacks the Thunderbolts. Not mentioned in #2. Johnny and Franklin and Valeria are being sucked into an exploding Negative Zone. No follow-up.

Yup, from the vast and sprawling epic set up in #1, the ONLY plot line covered is the Avengers fighting the "returned heroes" in the Savage Land. Issue #1 was just a tease, #2 the cold shower.

This might not be so bad, except....

A) It turns into 18 pages (with 3 double page splashes!) of "I'm not a Skrull! Are you a Skrull??"
Talk about padding...
B) Since Leinil Yu cannot draw a competent fight scene, 85% of the time you have no idea of who is doing what to whom.
C) For the second issue in a row, a marauding dinosaur interrupts events. I know we're in the Savage Land, but c'mon, Bendis...we're 2 issues in and you've already run out of original ideas on how to stage things?
D) Once again, Bendis wants us to believe his characters are morons (or, conversely, he can't even follow the premise he's set up). In this issue, we reinforce that when a Skrull dies, they revert to Skrull. Hawkeye and Wolverine and Cage have now seen this several times. Now, given that Hawkeye SAW Mockingbird die, saw the body not turn into a green alien, he knows that she wasn't a Skrull back then. So how can he possibly believe that this one could be real? Not to mention, they know Skrulls can now do powers, including telepathy, so the fact that "Bobbi" knew one of Clint's secrets ain't much proof. And even if you grant that Bendis killed off Hawkeye AND resurrected him just to have him be a complete idiot at a crucial moment, Logan and Luke (the new Heroes for Hire?) should know better. It's very frustrating when the author treats both his characters and audience as morons...

Let's see if Bendis can keep the streak going, and have a dinosaur disrupt another "are you a Skrull" argument in issue #3.

And I still say that, given a Skrull Warship has landed in midtown Manhattan, it's not a "Secret" Invasion anymore...

Krusty of the Week Award--Brad Meltzer!!

I have a hankering for some delcious pork products!

Pretty much nothing makes my day more than seeing someone in a position of acclaim hired very specifically to create something (and usually to much publicity and fanfare), and when it turns out that people hate it, they proceed to blame somebody else. "Don't look at me--I didn't do it!!"

From JMS, who has publicly stated that every controversial Spider-Man story he did was really Marvel ediors' faults; to Bendis, who said it was the artist's fault that anyone might perceive the multiple violent S&M-tinged beatdowns of Tigra as misogynist; to the apologists for Will Pfeiffer, who excuse the dreck that was Amazons Attack as not damning becuase it was "editorially mandated." Everyone's got an excuse.

Well, this week, we've got another fine candidate. After ravishing the foundations of the DC Universe in Identity Crisis, author Brad Meltzer is coming back to script a one-shot tie-in to Final Crisis. And, 3 years later, this is what he had to say about Identity Crisis:
"Identity Crisis, for whatever it became and whatever it turned into - so much of it out of my control – is something that I think Dan ran well with it, and I’m still very proud of."
Yup, Brad...it was all DiDio's fault that the DC Universe became a hotbed for rape, brainwashing, spousal murder, etc. It was "out of your control" when you made DC heroes stop being heroes. "Dan ran well with it," you had no impact at all. Hell, you were merely standing around the DC offices one day, and they slapped your name on someone else's script. Yup.

You bet all your money on the Washingtom Generals?So, for valor above and beyond in avoiding responsibility for what you've created, Brad Meltzer is the winner of this week's Krusty Award!!

Tune in next week, when he blames someone else for that JLA run...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Hey, Wait a Minute--Iron Man Movie

OK, if you haven't seen then Iron Man movie, now's a good time to come back later, because I have a question that's kind of .

So go away. Or, better yet, go see the movie.

Still there? OK, well, after the picture, there be spoilers.

I-am-OzzySo, despite a pretty tight script, I have ONE FREAKIN' HUGE QUESTION.

As we saw, Tony Stark is captured in Afghanistan, escapes, comes home, announces the Stark Industries ain't making weapons. Stane doesn't like this, and has Tony frozen out by the Stark Board, while selling weapons to terrorist groups. Clear, right?

And after we find out that Stane is a low-life snake (PRO-TIP: don't trust people named Obidiah), it's revealed that Stane was behind the initial attack on Stark, that it was supposed to be an assassination, that he had paid Ten Rings to do it.

OK, wait. Not many people have noticed this, because we knew by this point that Stane stunk. But WHY, exactly, did Stane try to kill Tony Stark earlier??

  • Stark was still firmly on board with the "we make weapons to make peace" idea

  • Stark was still designing highly profitable weapons systems

  • Stark was nowhere near discovering that Stane was selling weapons under the table

  • Stark's lifestyle seemed to leave little likelihood that he would become involved in the inner workings of the company
So again, why would Stane try to kill Stark at this point??? After all, if an announcement that Tony wasn't making weapons anymore would send the stock plunging 56 points, what would the announcement that Stark was DEAD, and therefore not making anything, do to stock prices? As we saw, the "chief scientists" Stane had left were, by their own admission, "no Tony Stark."

Now, this is hardly a fatal flaw. We can surmise that Stane had finally grown bored with Stark's act; that Stane knew he wasn't going to get any younger, so if he was going to make a move it would have to be now; that Stane knew with a fat lump of cash from the Jericho sale to the US military, he could weather any financial storm from Stark's death.

Still, this is something the movie should have spelled out for us...a single line of dialogue somewhere is all that it would have taken. And maybe it's in a scene somewhere on the cutting room floor.

But because they didn't (or someone fell asleep at the switch), we're left with the puzzling question of why Stane tried to kill Stark when he was still in Stane's camp.

Bonus spoiler: I 75% expected that it would be revealed that Stane was behind the car accident that killed Tony's parents, as a power play to control the company before Tony came of age. I'm glad they didn't do this...there's an unfortunate tendency in comic book movies to make the villain responsible for EVERYTHING that ever went wrong in a hero's life. It's become a cliche, one the movie makers happily avoided (unless that, too, is on the cutting room floor).

Friday, May 9, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo Style!!


OK, let me see the checklist:

New computer fully installed? Check

Files transferred? Mostly

Damned HP computer finally recognizes damned HP scanner? Yup.

Cartoon mice ready? Yup.

Most annoying voices in cartoon history?Wha??

This week, you see, we take an exciting excursion into the world of Fables. Cinderella, you see, has spent the past few centuries mastering spycraft and martial combat (yes, really). Now, in our mundy world, she has to protect Pinocchio (yes, that Pinocchio) from being captured by agents of the evil Empire of the Fable Lands (look, if you're not reading this book, you're just not gonna get up to speed here, so just roll with it. Plus, READ THIS BOOK!!).

Should have stuck with cleaning out fireplaces...So, unarmed Cinderella, with one arm in a sling, no less, has too take down two skells with guns. Cue the music...take it away, Mice!!

Oooh, I don't think Uncle Walt would approve of that move

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and day it's Cinderelly


From Fabletown, with love

Find the mole, kill the traitors
Undercover, global mopping
And the killing and the maiming
They keep her karate choppin'

Fables Are Forever

She goes on fighting
Till she's very very dizzy
Still they holler
Keep a-killing, Cinderelly


The Fable Who Loved MeQuite the ballet of violence, eh? Still, there's one cat out there who's worse than two step-sisters and a step-mother: Bahlactus!

Cinderella get her schwerve on in Fables #72, thanks to Willingham and Buckingham. Cinderella will return in Quantum of Solace.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

FINAL Final Crisis Preview--Another Tricky Day

Well, the time is almost upon us, when we get yet another DC crisis, this time THE FINAL CRISIS!!

This is no final crisis

This is DC having fun

Even though I've run many, many helpful previews of what I thought might be upcoming in the latest DC cash suck, I can with confidence say that we will not see the Gay Ghost, Jerry Lewis, Gabby Hayes, AAU Superstar, Prez, or Superbaby. Unless, of course, Grant Morrison secretly reads this blog and takes notes. Yeah, I know, bloody unlikely.

No crisis

Getting burned once again

So, what are we getting from the Final Crisis (aka the series that Paul Dini had no idea what it was going to be about so Countdown meandered like a drunken lemur for 52 (ahem 51) weeks)?

Sadly, a strong clue came from DC Universe #0 last week:

At 50¢. it was only overpriced by 50¢Oops. I did that on purpose. Really. Why?

The world seems in a spiral

Life seems such a worthless title

One of the problems with Infinite Crisis (aside from its title being one of the most blatant cases of false advertising since the Neverending Story) was that, to paraphrase my man Winston Churchill, the pudding had no theme.

That it, it was a disparate collection of story threads that really had not a thing to do with each other OR the central story line. Instead of being built from the top down, it felt as if it were built from the bottom up (hence my upside cover--dude, it's a metaphor!!). Let's not start with a the main story and pick out some subplots that tie in well. No, let's throw out all these plot lines--villains teaming up, the Spectre's war on magic, the Rann-Thanagar war, OMAC's--and try to connect them to the main story. Seriously, what the hell did the bloody magic war have to do with anything? NADA.

Just because there's space

In your life it's a waste

And that's what DCU #0 showed us. A bunch of stories that, even if you think they're interesting individually, seem to have no possible relationship to each other, let alone whatever the main thrust of Final Crisis may be. If there is one.

So our big FINAL Final Crisis Preview question: does this pudding have a theme?? or is it one big gloppy mess thrown at the wall to see what sticks? We'll find out soon...

This is no Final Crisis

Just another tricky day for DC

Lyrics adapted from Pete Townshend.

You better you better you betBest reason to bring back Superbaby?

Most disturbing panel EVER

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

No Time For Love, Doctor Jones

You know, every day it seems there's another reason I'm not allowed to write movies or comics.

Today's reason?
Almost as long a title as a Countdown crossoverHa Ha very funny!!If I were writing the new Indiana Jones movie, I would make the villain turn out to be Short Round, all grown up but incredibly twisted thanks to his experiences in the Temple of Doom. He's out for revenge, and pissed at Indy for ruining his life...

And that's why I'm not allowed to write movies.

Next up: Indiana Jones vs. Goldfinger. C'mon, how do you think Goldfinger got all that gold in the first place? Stealing from archaeological sites, of course...

Gotta Catch 'Em All

In response to my pop quiz yesterday, the uncredible Captain Infinity said, "I think Mark's got the right idea. Stan needs to show up in random movies no matter what it is."

All, but most people forget that Stan the Man has been around forever, and has made many a cameo over the years.

For example, who could forget the classic and hilarious unbilled appearance he made in Citizen Kane?

Boy, was Orson surprisedNot to mention the "don't blink or you'll miss it" scene from The Godfather:

Stan made Coppola an offer he couldn't refuseAnd most people miss this one...you have to look closely:

Lo, there shall come an ending!Stan Lee...comic creator AND movie star!!

I don't have Photoshop, I really suck at art thingies, and I'm gonna get in trouble for this, aren't I?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Manic Monday--True Believer Quiz

True or False:

Any movie with a Stan Lee cameo is automatically better than any movie without a Stan Lee cameo.

Iron man is what number at the box office??Excelsior, mother f#$%^r!!

This message brought to you by the Society for More Stan Lee Cameos

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Greater Love Hath No Man...

...than to seem to give his life for his fellow man, but he knows that he's going to be resurrected later, so really, how much love is that, anyway?

Woo hoo, I'm back.

Well, as everyone is all in a furor over the impending (?) return (?) of Barry Allen, I've a couple of thoughts on the matter, as well as DC Universe #0 (aka let's pretend Countdown never happened).

First things first: Despite press releases and much online angst, we actually don't have any real clue or info about how, when, or in what form Barry is returning in. So far, all that we've actually seen is a lightning bolt over a strip club--and what the hell was up with that, anyhow? (editor's note--If you'd been dead 22 years, isn't that the first place you'd head?) (snell's note--good point) Maybe he's going to be some kind of elder, like they did with Billy Batson, maybe he's just going to turn around and sacrifice himself again, maybe it's all one big tease.

So let's chill, and see what actually plays out, shall we?

Which advice I'm now going to completely ignore. Surprise.

Let me echo and amplify things a couple of others out there have said. Kevin said: "...I have to say I'm not crazy about characters like Wally West and Kyle Rayner getting sidelined because somebody wanted more stories with the original guys."

That is so true, because as much as DC wants to play up "legacy characters," current DC policy seems to outlaw more than one version being active at a time. We want Bart Allen to be the Flash? Wally has to be shuffled off to Limbo. We want Wally back? Bart has to die.

And look what's happened to poor Kyle Rayner ever since Hal Jordan was resurrected: lost his book, now he's Ion, now he's not, now he's Parallax, now he's not, now he's a minor supporting character in the Green Lantern Corps, now he's a "Challenger of the Unknown..."

If Barry Allen returns in full human form as the Flash, does anybody seriously believe that Wally West will receive better treatment? They'll slap some stupid costume and name on him (official prediction: Speedforce!) and be relegated to appearing in the Titans book. If he's lucky.

You see, that's the problem with some of these nostalgia-driven moves lately in the DC Universe: these writers want us to respect the glories of the Silver Age, which is fine, but then they turn around and show NO respect for the comics other people grew up with. It's a zero-sum game for them. Geoff Johns wants to bring back Hal Jordan? Fine. But because he and DC editorial didn't give a rat's ass about Kyle Rayner, a character a lot of people loved, has been reduced to the equivalent of a bench-warming utility infielder.

And if they want to bring back Barry Allen? I don't agree with that (more below), but I can be one board for that without too much crying. But I fear that said resurrection, under the current regime, just means they're just going to flush away 20 years of character growth and supporting cast of Wally. Wally will lose his mag, lose his JLA position, lose his supporting cast, and be relegated to appearing in the Titans and an occasional Mark Waid written Brave and the Bold.

Check back in a year and tell me I was wrong.

Meanwhile, there's the whole issue of resurrection itself. Val, as usual, puts it better than I could when she says "It's just that every time you bring these characters back, you undermine the emotional resonance of those original stories surrounding the hero's tragic demise."

Let me add to that, in response to some things others have said (including Morrison himself).

Yes, it is "only" a comic book. Yes, characters in that medium come back from the dead "all the time."

But if EVERY character comes back, EVERY time? If no death is permanent? If the apparent death a characters is used again and again and again as a plot device(hello, Judd Winick), doesn't that drain ANY tension, any suspense, out of a story? Why care if the hero or sidekick is in a jam, if we know any death is just temporary? Doesn't that say there are no consequences to any actions? That therefore, no sacrifice is truly heroic, since there's no real sacrifice?

And doesn't it say something about the unwavering stupidity of comic characters if they don't notice and react to this phenomenon of their universe? "Gee, Lois, every person I've ever known who has died has come back, including me! So I'm not going to bother to rescue you. You'll be back." Go ahead, Grant Morrison, put that line into All-Star Superman, if you really believe that death is too "cruel" too inflict on comic readers.

And as to the idea that "they don't have to die, because they're fictional creations," well, sure. No literature ever has fictional creations die. The Comedian and Rorshach, after all, came back to life in Watchmen. Shakespeare immediately gave us the follow up Hamlet 2.

Oops, bad examples. I had always thought Morrison aspired to make comics, at least in part, a more mature medium. Instead, he aspires to have us wake up to find Bobby Ewing in the shower.

So welcome back, Barry. We've missed you. Too bad your return is going devalue your sacrifice, screw up Wally's career, and render an entire universe to the level of a child's wish to "make it not have happened." But, we're comic readers of the last 20 years, Barry--we'll sacrifice, so you don't have to. Now that's heroism in the 21st century.

Now paging Uncle Ben....

Friday, May 2, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Rearrange the Furniture Style!!

A true black and white comic this week, as we answer the question no one dared ask: what if Alexander Graham Bell invented a special "omnicle" that gave Helen Keller sight and hearing, not to mention superhuman strength and agility?

Go to the mirror, girl
Take that, Uncle Ernie!
Helen keller *does* know what day it is
She sure plays a mean pinballThat's what would happen...

How did Bahlactus burn his hand? Putting the smackdown on you suckas!!

The quiet vibration land of insane violence comes from Helen Killer #1

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Thursday Quickies

I have a yearly commitment that means A) I am always away for Free Comic Book Day, with no way to get to any comic shop, and they're always gone by the time I get home, and B) I always miss the opening of the summer kickoff movie, so I don't get to see Iron Man until Sunday, or later. Grrrr....

Said commitment also means no time for blogging, Doctor Jones. I have a Friday Night Fights scheduled to publish on Friday (thank you Blogger-in-Draft). But that's about it. And I'll be so jammed up I may not get to any more substantial posts until Monday. We'll see.

But I can't leave for the weekend without a few quick and thoughtless jabs, can I? And it will make a nice break some some of my more...ahem...epic-length posts recently. So what do we have out this week?

Time Killing 101Green Lantern #30:
Many bloggers have asked why is it necessary to have 6 issues to tell the "Secret Origin" of Hal Jordan. There are three reasons:
A) Geoff Johns has a lot of time to kill until he can start Blackest Night.
B) It takes that long to retcon every single aspect of previous GL history so it ties in with your odd color spectrum theories
C) When fully 1/3 of the pages in the book are splash pages, it takes quite awhile to tell a story, bro. Seriously...do we really need a full page splash when Carol Ferris or an unmutated Hector Hammond walks in? Really?

Next month: Bendis writes a story about the background of Celestial Madonna saga, in which NO ACTUAL AVENGERS APPEARNew Avengers #40:
For the second week in a row, Bendis has given us an Avengers issue which features absolutely ZERO Avengers, just flashbacks establishing the background of Skrullapalooza. Two questions:
A) Why isn't this stuff actually IN Secret Invasion? Where it belongs if you seriously want to tell this story (and sell the mega-series to newbies)?
B) Why doesn't Marvel just change the title of the books to "Whatever Bendis Feels Like Writing About This Month"?

Countdown actually leads into this, not DC Universe #0...seriouslyAction Comics #864:
So, for the 7th straight issue (that's more than 1/2 a year) Johns has had Superman reduced to a guest star in his own magazine. I'm just sayin'. At least it looks like next issue he's actually getting back to telling, you know, Superman stories...

Unless you're going to make Action into DC Comics Presents, like John Byrne did...

Yo quiero Taco Bell is the extent of my Spanish, sadlyBlue Beetle #26:
Let me assure you that I don't mean this in any Lou Dobbsian way, but...with a series teetering on the verge of cancellation due to low sales, is it at all wise to do an issue all in Spanish? Can you imagine a potential new reader picking this one up? And never coming back?

So: good sign (because DC has enough faith in the book to try something like this) or bad sign (because DC knows the books going to be cancelled, so why not let the creators do something crazy)? I report, you decide.

Truth-in-marketing: this cleavage does not actually appear in this issue
Legion of Super-Heroes #41:
You know, back in the Silver Age, Shooter's Legion stories were never...this...glacially...paced, were they? Seriously, how many more shots of Lightning Lad bickering with bureaucrats do we need before Shooter believes we understand? How many issues pondering the mystery of the "Destroyers" before the story advances one iota? How many pages of Legionnaires shrilly arguing with one another?

Sigh...it feels as if Shooter is just marking time until Johns takes over (which he's obviously gunning for, with 7 issues of Action dedicated to the Legion, and the upcoming Legion of 3 Worlds).

Like Infinite Crisis, but with even MORE unrelated plot strands!!DC Universe #0:
Well, Dan DiDio in this week's DC Nation boasts "this book is the bridge from Countdown to Final Crisis to Final Crisis." Well, as I asked not 3 days ago, "Anyone care to wager on how much of this gets followed up in Final Crisis? Any of it?"

The correct answer. ZERO. Not a single panel of this ties in in any way whatsoever to ANYTHING that happened in Countdown.

I guess DiDio needs to look up the definition of "bridge." Thanks for raping my wallet for 52 (ahem 51) weeks, DC. I expect my refund any day now.

One final note (for now) on the "big reveal": if you want to have it turn out that the entire book was narrated by a particular character, shouldn't Morrison or Johns actually have had SOME of that narrator's dialogue sound like it could have come from that character's mouth? Because that narrator sure doesn't talk like XXXXXX ever did...

What, no end-of-story wenches??Immortal Iron Fist #14:

Like bacon in comics form.

Now let it be known I will forever pledge my fealty to Marvel if they get Fraction & Brubaker to write an "Immortal Weapons" ongoing...



OK, gotta jet. I'll be back next week, along with some exciting announcements for something upcoming around these parts...hee hee...