Manic Monday--How To Invent a Superhero

Too busy to post today...read someone else's work...

Smackdown!! Or Was It?

While researching my bit on Atlas Comics, I came across this awesome little tidbit, which I had never heard before, from an article by Jon B. Cooke at the Atlas Archives website, originally published in the magazine Comic Book Artist (Dec 2001):

One of [Marvel publisher] Martin [Goodman]'s outrageously successful business moves during the last years of his tenure at Marvel was to trick the industry's top company, DC Comics (then called National Periodical Publications), into committing an ultimately disastrous page-count and pricing change for the publisher of Superman, resulting in what then DC editorial director (soon to be publisher) Carmine Infantino characterized as a "slaughter" committed by Marvel upon his company. In an audaciously daring move, the House of Ideas raised the page count of its regular titles 75% from 32 to 48 pages, accompanied by a 75% price hike from 15¢to 25¢ on its October and November 1971 cover-dated books. Immediately DC followed suit, though significantly increasing their page count 100%, from 32 to 64 pages. But within a month, in a move that sent shockwaves through the industry, Goodman immediately dropped page count back to 32 pages yet only reducing the price per book to 20¢, still a 25% price increase from two months prior.

The results of Martin's gambit? Marvel was able to give wholesalers a 50% discount off the cover price of their line, as compared to DC's mere 40% price break. And whose titles would the retailers be more likely to push, do you think? Plus, what kid could resist getting five snappy, all-new Marvels for a buck, compared to four DCs, padded with moldy, old reprints? Also, as DC had to lock into ordering huge quantities of paper-a full year's supply-the publisher was trapped at the 25¢, 64-page format for an entire year. (Historian Carl Gafford has surmised that the Wage and Price Controls of President Richard Nixon's Administration may have also played a factor in the DC debacle, a proposition CBA intends to examine with Gaff in the future.) Those 12 months were all the time DC's competitor needed to come out on top and, for the first time in their decades-old rivalry, Marvel surpassed DC in sales, only rarely looking back in the quarter-century passed since that fateful year. The DC supremacy on the comics racks ended in 1972 after an astonishing 35-year reign, a dynasty suddenly in disarray, scrambling to get back on top, while Martin Goodman sat very prettily indeed, ensconced in his new role as the King of Comics in this New Marvel Age.

Isn't that just crazy amazing? Can you just imagine Marvel pulling a complete financial jiu jitsu on DC like that? That is so amazing, I would make it a Friday Night Fights if we weren't on hiatus right now (hey, print is black and white, right?). Would such a thing be possible today?

However, there's a pretty big problem with this tale: the timeline doesn't work, at least not the way Cooke describes it. It fact, a lot about it doesn't ring correct:

• DC went up in price BEFORE Marvel did. DC went to 25¢ and a higher page count in issues dated August 1971. Marvel didn't go up to 25¢ until October 1971. That sure sounds like Marvel was reacting to DC's move, not vice versa.
• Just in case you think there might be some confusion between street dates and cover dates, all the Marvel September issues were emblazoned with "Still 15¢". Again, that clearly implies that Marvel was reacting to DC's increase, and advertising that. You saw the exact same thing in 1976, when DC went to 30¢, and for months Marvel emblazoned their covers with "Still Only 25¢".
• It's possible that DC was acting preemptively, I suppose, in response either to an announcement Marvel had made, or a leak from their offices. But if that's the case, was it really some master plan of Goodman's to kick DC in the groin financially? Or did he just get lucky? If it was a deliberate ploy, wasn't Goodman taking a gamble that DC would make the price/page jump in response? If this was some Machiavellian "gambit," what's the move if DC doesn't react, and doesn't go up first?
• DC wasn't "trapped at the 64-page format for an entire year." In fact, they were NEVER at 64 pages regularly. According to the GCD database, the page count the month DC went up to 25¢ was 52 (and later 48). Some of their comics still had their regular twice-a-year 64-page Giant (see the next item), but the regular issues were never 64 pages during that year-long period.
• Those "moldy, old reprints" were nothing new. In that period, DC every year turned 2 regular issues of their titles (July and December) into 80 or 64-page Giants, priced at 25¢, featuring nothing but reprints. If that hadn't hurt DC's sales, it's hard to fathom why the same price and format lead off by brand new stories would turn off the "kids." (Plus, on an editorial note, how many great stories were reprinted in those issues that we never would have gotten to see otherwise? "Moldy" my butt...)

I plead complete ignorance on the matter of wholesaler rates, year-long paper purchases, and wage and price controls. But the stuff I do know about, by simply looking at the covers of the comics and checking dates, seems to call into question how correct Cooke's story is.

Damn...another great anecdote ruined by the facts!! And here i was hoping Joe Quesada could trick DC into going down to $1.99...

Things I Must See Before I Die

Tops on the list: Why the hell haven't we seen this yet?

versus

C'mon, Marvel and DC, make this happen . NOW!!!

Firday Night Fights--They'rrrrrre Grrrrrreat Style!!

As some of you may have noticed, I have a tendency to turn to man-on-animal action for my Friday Night Fights. (Man-on-animal action? That should do wonders for my Google hits...)

But tonight will top them all. Because we're diving into Atlas territory!!

As you may recall from last night's exegesis, Tiger-Man was one gritty book, and character...at least in issue one. Let's set the scene: Young doctor Lannie Hill is interning in Zambia. For reasons that make no sense, his mentor there has a captive man-eating tiger from India. In some nebulous quest to study the "survival instinct," Hill "isolates the chromosome" that makes the tiger "so powerful." And as most comic book scientists are wont to do, he injects himself with the tiger chromosome. Why? Just go with it!!

Meanwhile, the jealous local witch doctor lets the tiger loose to cause havoc. Which results in the last thing you want to see during your midnight constitutional:

How will Dr. Hill survive?? This one ain't pretty, so if you're a PETA member, you might want to turn away:

First blow: 500 points!!

Body slam!!

Uhhh...psycho loss of control??

Gee, ya think??

And thus begins the career of "the world's newest, most exciting super-hero!"

Of course, Bahlactus ALWAYS has the eye of the tiger...

Animal cruelty from Tiger-Man #1, 1975.

Tales From the Quarter Bin--...Does Whatever a Tiger Can...

Back in 1974, if you wanted superhero comics, there were only two companies, Marvel and DC. Charlton had essentially dropped out of the superhero biz, while First, Comico and Eclipse were as yet undreamed of. So really, readers had little choice.

Except for one brief, not-so shining moment. For less than a year, an alternative stalked the landscape like a decaying zombie: Atlas Comics (also known as Atlas/Seaboard, to distinguish them from one of Marvel's earlier nom de guerres).

Founded by former Marvel owner/publisher Martin Goodman, Atlas is remembered today as something of a pioneer in creator rights. In order to compete with the Big Two, Atlas payed crazy high page rates to their artists, promised artists the return of all their art, and was the first in industry with a type of profit sharing/ownership of characters writers and artists created. A lot of notable veterans and young up-and-comers did work for Atlas. And there was serious excitement about the enterprise in the trade press and even the "regular" media.

Sadly, Atlas was also known as one of the most mismanaged companies EVER. Goodman assumed that he could duplicate Marvel's success without the magic of Stan & Jack & company. So he hired Stan's brother to be editor, and then micro-managed every creative decision to "make it more like Marvel." (A glance at this page of all the Atlas logos should give you an idea of how much they were trying to ape Marvel) At his insistence, Atlas often re-booted mags after 2 or 3 issues, completely changing their creative teams and premises on a whim. He installed his universally disliked son, Chip, as publisher, and many blamed his...well, his lack of comics background and creative sense for the constant shifts of direction. And, sad to say, most of the comics were crappy.

In the end, no Atlas title made it past 4 issues, and most didn't make it that far. The promises of returning art to the artists were largely broken, because much of the artwork was "stolen." And ater 10 months the comics line was no more.

And as for the ownership of creations, well, that turned out to not be pretty worthless for characters that lasted 2 issues and no one remembers. And it's hard to imagine in this day of The Twelve and Project Superhero, but as far as I know no one anywhere has resurrected a single Atlas character from limbo.

Which brings me to Tiger-Man. or is it Tigerman?

Special anal note: although the name Tiger-Man is hyphenated both in the logo and in the word balloon on the cover, it is NOT hyphenated anywhere on the inside, including the indicia. Do you know how much that bugs me?

Anyway, behind the (great) Ernie Colon cover, what do we get? A boring melange of a generic Marvel(ish) book and the Death Wish movies. And enough violence and cleavage to wonder if the Comic Code was paying attention to the new kid on the block.

We start on page 1, as a sexy nurse is assaulted by two hippie/biker-looking goombas, just because, apparently.

Wait a minute: run that line by me again!

Their bikes were "demolished in the war"?!?! What war?!? What, were they in the Hell's Angels Brigade in 'Nam? What war? How? And what of their brother in the body cast, who's never mentioned again?!?! Uh....head exploding...

Fortunately, our hero makes his first appearance, ready to save the damsel from the bikers with purple hearts (for their bikes):

Now on this page, and only this one, the colorist or printer screwed up, and forgot to color in the blue for the tights covering Tiger-Man's arms and legs. So in our hero's very first appearance, he's colored wrong. Which results in a disturbing image:

But he does manage to stop the cads, although a bit violently for these pre-Wolverine days:

Note the decidedly over-the-line violence (and killing? they're very vague, probably intentionally) and the "Holy God!" exclamation. Code anyone? Meanwhile, our naughty nurse flashes some cleavage and first states the meme that will inform our hero's journey:

Yup, New York is Hell.

So who is Tiger-Man? Well, young doctor Lannie Hill (so incompetent is our flashbackery, that we don't find his surname until 2 pages into the flashback, and his first name until 5 pages into his origin) is interning in "African Zambia." He becomes fascinated by "the survival instinct of the inhabitants of this region" (it seems that animals in our continent just lay down and die, or something). So how does he pursue this field of inquiry?

(Yes, go ahead, insert Monty Python joke here...get it out of your system).

Ignore how or why a man-killing Indian tiger is still alive and hanging around Zambia. Instead, ponder that, somehow, studying a predator from India is supposed to tell Dr. Hill about the survival instinct of African prey. This is making DC science look good...

Of course, he takes it himself...duh. And, remember, when you're a scientist:

Yup, why worry about what effects might be? Why, that would be actual science!! The result:

Again, duh. Anyway, he returns home to New York City, where his sister is an actress in a hit Broadway show!! Which somehow leads to this:

Yup, two rogue rodeo folk (?) who decide to take in a Broadway show (??), decide the actress must be rich (???), find out where she lives (????), break in, and kill her (and maybe rape her, too...).

So of course, Lannie uses his tiger powers to track them down, and once again lays down the verdict on what life in NYC is like:

You object to "mugging" before "murdering?" And isn't "stealing" redundant after "mugging?"

The final fate of our scum? Well, here's another reason why it's hard to believe that this is a 1975 Code approved book:

All we're missing is the "Snikt."

So what's the verdict on Tiger-Man? Exploitative crap, or prescient vision of what the comics industry was heading to? Gabe Levy and Ernie Colon, what were you thinking about while creating this? (Note: in one of those Atlas shifts discussed above, Gerry Conway and Steve Ditko took over the mag for issues 2 & 3, and considerably lightened the tone to something more Marvel-like).

And when is someone going to snap up the rights to some of the Atlas characters, and incorporate them into, say, the DC universe? And when will someone tell me whether or not his name should be hyphenated!?!?!?!

On a final note, after Atlas/Seaboard dumped their comics line, Chip Goodman stayed with Seaboard as publisher of the...ahem...adult magazine Swank for several years. I've always wanted to legitimately mention Swank in a comics post, and here's my chance.

Much of my discussion of Atlas' history is indebted to The Atlas Archives website...check it out for an in-depth look at a much-forgotten period of modern comics history!

From Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z

In tribute to Dr K's Planet of the Apes week:


Wow, I can own 12-minute versions of the Ape movies...for only $7.95 each?!?! Sign me up!! Let's have a monkey party!!

Hey, wait a moment:

Didn't they discover that shocking secret at the end of the FIRST movie, not the FIFTH?! Here, I can prove it:


Back to you, Dr. K...

How Young Super-Villains Got Their Starts

At least back in 1975...

And in case you think it's not necessarily the path to evil...

Hmmm...anybody have a dollar I can borrow??

Magic Is Cheating

Not really. But let me explain what I mean.

MightyGodKing had an interesting post discussing some people's views on whether Doctor Strange needs to be "saved," that is, a) is he too powerful, b) how do you write
a "magic" character in today's comic idiom?

Well, my problem (and not just with Strange, but with most comic magicians) has always been the inherent lack of rules the creators seem to give us.

With the "physical" superheroes, the creators lay down rules and limits and guidelines. We know what a character is capable of, and if suddenly those rules are transgressed without reason or explanation, we bitch and send in for No-Prizes.

Take, for example, Superman. We know he's vulnerable to kryptonite. We know that lead can block kryptonite radiation. These rules have been laid out for us, so when something profoundly silly like this happens, well, we can chide it for being stupid or scientifically questionable, but it cannot be said that they weren't playing by the rules.

But the magic of comic magicians too often comes across as mystical technobabble, made up on the spot to make the story work the way the writer wants it to. The Crimson Bands of Cyttorak? Well, sometimes they can hold things, sometimes they can't, sometimes they can be broken, sometimes they can't. The rules? Who knows? When all the DC mystics were running around saying "the rules of magic have all been re-written" post post-Infinite Crisis, my reaction was, "There were rules?"

Part of this, obviously, just comes down to a matter of taste in types of story, and modes of storytelling. But me, I like it when I know what a character's limits are. I like knowing that Spider-Man can lift a car, but not a building, and that won't suddenly change next issue (unless Captain Universe is involved...) . But let me present a Socratic dialogue, by 8 year-old me with my 8 year-old cousin, to show my opinion of what far too much comic book magic is like:

Me: Well, I'd zap you with my super-force rays!
Cousin: Uh-uh, because my mega-force field is immune to your super-force rays, and they just bounce off!!
Me: Well, these are super-duper-force rays that are invisible to your force field, and break right through it!!
Cousin: But my costume absorbs those rays, and power up my brain beam, and I blast you!!
Me: Uh uh, because...ad infinitum.

As you can see, we were making it up as we went along. Fortunately, most of us outgrew this when it came to our superheroes: we began to expect rules and limits, not randomness and crazy ad hoc one-upsmanship. But for some reason, we never demanded the same of Doctor Strange, or Zatanna, or Doctor Fate. We just accepted that "magic can do whatever it needs to do for this story, and has no relation to what it could do in any previous or future story." Which, all too often, was an excuse for lazy story-telling.

Don't get me wrong: I own boatloads of Strange and Fate, and have mostly enjoyed them. But for me, that enjoyment has always been a teensy bit tempered by my frustration at the genre's inability (or unwillingness) to sit down and map a system, a logic.

Maybe it's just my anal personality...and maybe I'm asking for something that can't be done. I'll still read, just as I'll still watch Star Trek even when this week's warp crisis is solved by yet another made-up radiation or particle field that was conveniently never mentioned before but just as conveniently exactly solves this week's problem. But I'll still call "Cheat!!" on it.

So if anyone wants to "fix" Doctor Strange, or if Keith Giffen wants to lay down the "new" laws of magic in Reign in Hell, start at the beginning. Give us some rules, dudes. Enough with the cheating.

Street Cred

I was wearing this tie all day long:
Boo-yah.

Friday Night Fights--Excelsior Style!!

Tonight, the epic battle you've all been craving: Judge Dredd vs ???? ???!!

Well, let's keep the name of his opponent secret for a couple of minutes, OK?

Anyhoo, a dangerous ninja assassin has come to Mega-City, and he's not someone to be trifled with:

And he might be more than Dredd can handle:


That's face kick number 1.

Oh, Dredd will get a lick or two in:

But he's outclassed:

That's face kick #2! And the night gets still worse for Dredd:


Yup, that's face kick #3 AND #4, for those keeping track (and for Chris Sims).

The end result of our battle? Something you rarely see: Dredd f#$%d up:

But who was this mysterious opponent?

Oh, no you didn't!?! Judge Dredd was pasteurized by....? Yup: check out the cover, True Believers:

Yup, Stan Lee just kicked the living s#$% out of Dredd. That's what happens when you cross Smilin' Stan...he brings the PAIN!!!

Bahlactus also brings da pain, but man, not even he could beat down Dredd like that...or could he??

Lo, when titans clash, it occurs in Quality's Judge Dredd #26, 1989...the cover is by Jumpin' Jackson Guice, and the interior art by Boisterous Barry Kitson!! Excelsior!!!

Tales From the Quarter Bin--Superhero Stamp Album!?!

You know, no matter how jaded you are, if you dig through the quarter bin hard enough, you can find something that will blow your mind:

Yes, back in 1998, DC was helping us "celebrate the century" by having the JLA (plus Robin!) star in the "Super Heroes Stamp Album." Look, I'll let the heroes explain the premise to you:

This oddity, a co-production of DC and the U.S. Postal Service (and scripted by Doug Meonch!!), was an effort to teach kids history through combining the two nerdiest pastimes ever: comic collecting and stamp collecting. Apparently the goal was the consolidate the bullies' schedules so they can beat up two nerd groups for the price of one...

Anyway, there were ten volumes, one for each decade. This one dealt with the nineteen-aughts. Through one or two page vignettes, the heroes educated us on various aspects of the history of the decade, each of which just happened to have a stamp representing it, too. Superman taught us about Teddy Roosevelt, Batman covers the 1906 Pure Food and Drugs Act, Robin elucidates the birth of Crayola Crayons, Wonder Woman tells us about the St. Louis World's Fair...15 lessons in all...each with original art and writing.

But in the centerfold, we have a 2-page ad to buy all the stamps and albums from the Post Office. And for some reason, rather than new art, they just re-used stock poses of the heroes, holding stamps. Here's Aquaman, for example:

The best one, though, is the completely inappropriate Batman picture they use:

Lessons from this picture:
A) Batman does NOT want you, punk!
B) Batman is pissed at the Freedom Fighters.
C) Buy these stamps or else, kids!!
D) Have some lemonade, Hal.
E) Get your goddamn hands off my goddamn stamps, or I'll goddamn rip out your goddamn spleen, dammit!

Seriously, is making kids wet themselves a good way to sell stamps??

Bonus attraction--from the back cover:

Because if there's anything that says hip and cool, it's the U.S. Postal Service!! Let...the sun shine! Let...the sunshine in...

Someone's Been Spying On My Dreams Again

Let's see if I have this straight--

A new Justice League comic...called merely Justice League...written by James Robinson...starring as team members:

• Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)
• Green Arrow
• Ray Palmer (but NOT as the Atom!!)
• Supergirl
• Batwoman (!!)
• Freddy Freeman ("ideally with the blue costume and a new name")
• Starman--Mikkal Tomas, the blue alien one
• Congorilla!!!!!!!!

Well, you had me at James Robinson, but man, Congorilla sealed the deal!! What a potentially insanely fun team, eh? A couple of thoughts:

*Ray Palmer, but not as the Atom. A former shrinking hero who had intense marriage problems and then rejoins a spin-off of his original team but in his civilian identity and without shrinkage...nahh, I've never heard that one before... cough, cough, yellowjacket, cough cough

*From Robinson: "“It had long bothered me that the Avengers had never really ‘avenged’ anything – they’re either stopping a crime, or are under attack, which means that the name ‘The Defenders’ would’ve been better suited for them. Or The Crime Stoppers."
Damn, you know he's right...

* Again from Robinson, on the book's set-up: "That event? A murder...Hal is outraged and wants to immediately go after the villain and get justice for the fallen hero..."

Uh, James, remember what happened the last time Hal went off half-cocked to avenge some murders? I'm not saying he's gonna go psycho again, but a part of Parallax is still in his lantern, and, well...everybody hide.

*Freedy Freeman with a new name and back in blue? So, what, the whole Trials of Shazam mini-series is already moot? Does that mean Billy Batson will go back to being Captain Marvel?

Anyway, it's time for the "think up a new superhero name for Freddy Freeman" contest. My first official entry: Young Miracleman!! Oh, what, that's still tied up..?

*Supergirl and Batwoman? Let the fanfic begin...

But seriously, I'm really looking forward to this. Let's hope DC editorial doesn't butt in and make him write back-up stories while some hack does Salvation Run tie-ins in the front half. Earth to Dwayne McDuffie: for this you gave up Fantastic Four???

Deja Vu

From Patton Oswald's blog:

"Brian’s already let me read the first three issues of SECRET INVASION...Bendis basically worked out a remorseless, nothing-but-business tearing down of the Marvel Universe."

Val suggests that "This confirms what I suspected about Secret Invasion, that it would be a bit of a scorched-earth ass-kicker that would truly shake up the Marvel Universe. Of course, having not read the book myself, this sort of confirms nothing."

Yeah, because that sorta thing worked out so well with Avengers Disassembled...the last "scorched-earth ass kicker that would truly shake up the Marvel Universe" killed Hawkeye (oh, wait, Bendis brought him back), killed the Vision (oh, wait, he's back, too), saw Thor killed in Ragnarok in his own mag (oh, wait, he's back, too), killed C-listers Jack of Hearts and Ant Man (oh, the humanity). And Tony Stark said he was too broke to rebuild the team and mansion. But despite the "trauma", Tony rebuilt the team and headquarters (huh?), and most of the A-listers re-formed the New or Mighty Avengers about 5 minutes later (along with most of Bendis' favorite characters..so, really, Disassembled wasn't a ploy to empty out the Avengers so he could keep writing about Jessica Jones and Echo and Luke Cage...).

So, despite all the breathy adjectives from the star of Down Periscope , Taxi, Starsky and Hutch, and Balls of Fury, I expect the long lasting repercussions on the Marvel Universe will be largely the same: a couple of minor characters offed, a couple of majors seemingly offed but revived within a couple of months, and back to the status quo by morning, with everyone's dialogue indistinguishable from Spider-Man's.

Prove me wrong, Bendis.

Super Hero Smash Brothers

Well, a goodly number of us have been spending every waking hour paying this the past week:

To those of you who aren't into it (yet!!), the Smash Brothers franchise is Nintendo's way-crazy crossover fighting game, featuring characters from their many franchises planting kick in each others' faces.

But the latest incarnation, for the Wii, ups the ante, by featuring a couple of characters from other companies big franchises: Sonic the Hedgehog and Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series.

Which makes me wonder this:

• We can have comic book crossovers


• We can have video came characters cross over in Smash Brothers


• We can have superheroes do crossovers in video game franchises

So why the hell don't we have a Marvel vs. DC video game?!? Do these fools know that if they made it, and it was of ANY quality whatsoever, they'd make a kajillion dollars?? Somebody get Capcom on the phone and get this done immediately, OK?? This needs to be done NOW.

Oh, and Nintendo? I want Mario vs. Wolverine in the next Smash Brothers. Make it so.

Just Askin'--Doom Slang?!?

From Mighty Avengers #10 last week:

Doctor Doom says "Okay"?!?!?!?

Really?

Maybe it's just me, but somehow I don't picture Victor Von Doom, monarch of Latveria, possessor of a raging superiority complex over all things super-hero and American, indulging himself in American slang, especially when trying to prove his superiority to Tony Stark.

"Okay"?!?!?! Instead of "All right" or "Touche" or any of 50 other options that don't involve him talking like Spider-Man or Hawkeye or everyone else Bendis writes??

Of course, he could be a Skrull...that's the hidden beauty of the ridiculousness of the upcoming Skrullapalooza (aka Secret Invasion aka Millennium II): it's a cheap way to excuse any inconsistency or poor writing!! Although you'd think that if these Skrulls were any good at infiltration, there wouldn't BE that many inconsistencies to explain away...

Anyway, Doom saying "Okay?" I can't wait to see what Bendis has him saying next issue...

Friday Night Fights--Titan Style!!

Sometimes the best fights aren't with the villains, but with the members of your own super-team.

The sitch: Dick Grayson has left the Titans, all mopey because Starfire went and got married. (SPOILER ALERT: it didn't take). Donna Troy has been leading the Titans in his absence. She's come to visit Scruffy Dick, to convince him to come back.

Dick doesn't take too well to this, and starts to rip into Donna's leadership skills...

...and he keeps it up...

...and he won't lay off...

...and man oh man he pushes it too far...

...until she freakin' snaps!!

And through the bloody wall!!

Hey, wait a minute!! Dick looks in pretty good condition for just getting bitch-slapped by one of the strongest women in the universe:

Barely ruffled!! Is he Kryptonian? Nothing personal, Eduardo Barreto, but let's bring in the old pro to show us what the aftermath SHOULD have looked like:

Thank you, George Perez. Thank you.

He may have taken a week off, but Bahlactus till brings the pain!!

Intramural squabbling from New Teen Titans #19, 1986

The Most Disturbing Thing I've Seen This Week--Underdog

There's no need to fear--your inflatable love doll is here!!

Wait..back up...let's start again.

This week's quarter bin find is Underdog #1 (1970), from our friends at Charlton.

There's nothing too exceptional about the actual content of this book...it's just your bog-standard kiddie comic version of a popular cartoon. Clean, cartoonish illustration, inoffensive and unchallenging writing.

But this mag is home to some of the most...well, let's say mis-aimed...advertising I've seen in a comic, not to mention disturbing.

Sure, there are the usual small print ads for the useless trinkets we lusted after as children, and ads to sell GRIT and seeds, record clubs to join, sea monkeys, body building, and the like. All typical for any comic of the 70's.

But inside the front cover, they give us this:

Now, this is no trinket jewelry they're hawking here: these are adult rings, and the cheapest one is $140 bucks, which was a fair chunk o' change in 1970:

The others go as high as $249, which leads me to the question. This is a 15¢ comic book. A 15¢ children's comic book, for little children. Did they really think there were a lot of wee tots walking around with spare Benjamins to blow on bling?

But wait, there's this:

They were expecting a lot of military men to be reading Underdog #1? Yeah, I know, a lot of GI's did read comics, etc, etc. But enough to justify this ad? And somehow, the image of Martin Sheen heading upriver in Nam, reading a copy of Underdog between firefights, kinda freaks me out.

But not as much as this:

Go ahead. Click on it. Look at it's full-sized glory. Underdog #1 features an ad for a Life Size Inflatable Doll.

Oh, sure, they try to make it sound like it's for the kiddies (and yes, they were incompetent enough to to make the model's blouse the same color as the typeface, so some of the ad is not readable):

But c'mon...the 28 references to it being lifelike in every detail? It comes with pajamas and a bikini? "I'm the most unusual gift that you can give to yourself?" These poses:

I'm sorry, but there's only one conclusion. Sex doll. Being sold in a young kids' comic book. Which is being read by the troops in Nam as they frag their lieutenant. Maybe they're buying diamond rings for their Judy Doll...

Hmmm, I wonder if the coupon still works...

The Decalogue

Speaking of Green Trashcan...

Remember all the excited discussion when the Guardians unveiled the first of TEN new laws for the Green Lantern Corps? The first law was, lethal force is authorized against members of the Sinestro Corps. Granted, that's not so much a law as a rule of engagement, but hey, these are Guardians...don't quibble.

So last week they unveiled the SECOND new law: lethal force is authorized against ANY enemy of the Corps.

Uhnhhh...anti-climax much? Did that really need to be a separate law?? Redundant much? Maybe an amendment to the first law instead? Because it kinda renders the first law a bit moot, eh?

And seriously: is there any lawbook where the first two laws are "Here are the perps you're allowed to kill?" As the "trial" we witness in GL #28 pretty clearly demonstrates, shouldn't the FIRST law be "don't kill unless..." or "here's a list of the circumstances where lethal force might be acceptable" or "Justice is important..." Something along those lines?

I think I can see where Geoff Johns is going with the rest of the laws:

THIRD LAW: Lethal force is authorized against Luthor

FOURTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against enemies of Superman

FIFTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against the Injustice League

SIXTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against enemies of the Justice League

SEVENTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against perps who give you too much attitude

EIGHTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against criticizing writers who try to turn the weak and incompetent Legion Substitute Rainbow Girl into some kinda of all powerful Omni-Lantern

NINTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against those who canceled Veronica Mars

TENTH LAW: Lethal force is authorized against those who question that fear is a color, no matter how silly that concept is.

Any other Lantern laws you guys wanna chime in with?

Green Trashcan

Well, as you've no doubt noticed, I've spent waaay too much time this past week discussing the wonder that is Go-Go #5 (or, as we know it around here at Slay Monstrobot, the gift that keeps on giving). We've dissected the cover, we've gaped in awe at the Rotting Stumps.

Well, let's take one last dip in the pool of cool (at least for now), and take a very brief look at The Bestest League of America!!

Yup, it's a silly parody, that wishes it were as funny or inspired as the glory days of MAD comics. Sorry, Gary Friedrich and Grass Green, no such luck. It's pretty trite, even for 1967. Wondrous Woman (she's a Glamazon!!). Lean Arrow? Aukman?? Aquariuman?!? Ho ho, hee hee. The art ain't much better, either.

But there were two things that actually made me giggle. First:

S'amm S'mmith? Now THAT's funny!

And the leader of the BLA? Why, none other than Green Trashcan!!

See, his ring emits smells, and...anyway, here's my favorite part, as GT recharges his ring:

Alfred Bester it ain't...

Does Whatever a Cartoon Can...

I haven't seen too many people yapping about this, so let me be the first to say: The Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon on Kids' WB rocks.

It debuted last Saturday with a special 2-episode premiere, and man o man, it surpassed my already high expectations.

Why high expectations? Because the supervising producer/show-runner is Greg Weisman, who was the guiding light behind Disney's Gargoyles cartoon back in the '90s. Gargoyles was, in my opinion, the pinnacle of Cartoons Too Good For Snotty Kids®. The depth of characterization, the complexities and twists of the plot...sheer excellence. Don't take my word for it. Season 1 and the first half of Season 2 are out on DVD, so go watch. Amazon's got them, Netflix has them...just go give them a try.

So when I learned Weisman was taking on Spidey, well, I just had to be on board. And my hopes weren't dashed. We're basically at Spider-Man Year One. Peter's still in high school, and has been Spidey for about 4 months or so.

Now, Weisman has written comics before, and you can tell he looooves early Lee-Ditko Spider-Man, because he's just swimmin' in the fun, wallowing in the stuff.. In just the first hour, we've got: The Vulture, Flint Marko before he gets powered up, Elektro, Curt Conners injecting himself with lizard DNA, The Enforcers, Hammerhead, a mysterious unseen boss who's gotta be the Kingpin, Norman Osborn pre-Goblin but still a dickweed, Eddie Brock, Gwen Stacy, J. Jonah Jameson...and it all works.

So figure out who's got Saturday AM Kids' WB in your area, set your TIVOs, and enjoy. I promise you won't be disappointed.

The only drawback? Aunt May is...well...kinda hot. And that makes me feel real weird...

Battle of the Century?!? Please?!?!

Did you folks notice what I noticed in Amazing Spider-Man #552?

During the scene with all the villains placing bets with the "super-bookie" in the (apparently secret, 'cause where the hell is S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Mighty Avengers?!), check out who's there:

Ladies and gentleman, Doctor Bong!!

Aside from likely being a nice hat-tip to the sadly-departed Steve Gerber, this cameo has set my heart aflutter. Do you have any idea how much I'd pay to see a Spidey-Doctor Bong tussle? Do you? That would truly be a comic worth $5.52!

Please, Bob Gale? Please, let it be so...

You Are Not Morg--You Are Not Eymorg--What Are You??

Well, we've already discussed how to analyze the reading level of your blog (danger sign: I've apparently dropped from college level to junior high over the past few months. Must stop writing about Countdown...)

Well, now it's time to take things to a whole new pseudo-scientific level:

Yup, this site claims to be able to analyze writing samples and tell you if the author is male or female. (In fairness, there's a ton of cavaets and explanations, so I'm waaay oversimplifying...)

Slay Monstrobot? It comes up as "Weak Male."

God knows, that's not the first time I've heard that one...

Friday Night Karaoke--Rotting Stumps Style!!

Well, since Bahlactus has punked out on us this weekend, you know what that means--Friday Night Karaoke!!

And, since we spent a bit of time earlier this week dissecting the cover of that Charlton oddity, Go-Go #5, it's a perfect time to look inside the issue and sing along with The Rotting Stumps and their 1st major hit, Wailin' Welfare Blues #69!!

Yes, you see, The Rotting Stumps apparently are a terrible band, yet they hit it big!! No one can stand their music, but it sells millions!! That's the kind of wry...uh...satire...you get from Go-Go.

I know, you would think that telling your target readership that they have terrible musical taste might seem to be bad marketing, but Go-Go is nothing if not bold!!

And by 1967, you might think that even the white-collar middle-aged types making this magazine might have twigged just a little bit onto the fact that some popular music might actually be good and have artistic value!! Not our creators at Go-Go, however...they dare to tell it like it is--anything popular actually sucks, even as we try to market this comic to you by claiming to represent pop culture!!

Too bad we never got to see these guys respond to punk, eh?

Anyway, let's enjoy the lyrics...and don't be afraid to sing along:

...and...

...and...

Uh-oh, better close-up on those lyrics:

And finally, as the band goes on the Ed Sulkivan Show (get it? GET IT?!?):

And in case we haven't gotten it, the band's manager and promoter give us a funny moral:

Hahahahaha!!

So, in case you missed all the layers of this sophisticated parody, our creators are telling us that a) pop music has no artistic value, and in fact sounds awful, b) our readers, therefore, have no taste, c) while still pimping out pin-ups of pop-stars on our cover as a selling point, d) and having our heroes sing lyrics that serve as a scathing (?) indictment of welfare. And I didn't even show you their attack on the IRS!!!

Too much to believe? Baby, this is Go-Go, and it makes it's own rules!!! Sing along, dammit!!

Oh come with me, please marry me,
And we'll raise a family,
You be a squaw, I'll be your chief,
And we'll live on govt. relief

Man, they don't write 'em like that anymore...

A Modest Proposal--Price Points

Or, snell saves the comic industry.

While at my local comics emporium, me and the droogs were discussing some of the odd price points on a couple of this week's comics.

Which led me to blurt out, "You know, a comic's price point should be the same as its issue number."

And we all looked at each other, as we simultaneously realized what a great idea that would be.

Issue #1? 1¢. #2? 2¢. Issue 25? 25¢. Issue 249? $2.49. (See the pattern yet?)

Now think about how genius this system would be.

• It would encourage the companies to keep titles going, rather than cancelling and relaunching them with new #1's constantly.
• At the same time, it would encourage creators to keep increasing the quality of the book, in order to make the buyers feel justified in plunking down a higher amount of money each issue. And if they couldn't produce $4.26 of quality, well, maybe it's time for the book to end.
• It would be a huge boon for creators of new series, as potential readers would be FAR more likely to sample a new series for a penny than they would for $3.95.
• It would be an easy sell to the suits upstairs. FATCAT: "Well, Quesada, how's that new book doing?" QUESADA: "Great sir! Issue #2 showed a 100% revenue increase over #1!!" FATCAT:"BLARGH!! Keep up the good work, minion! Now go pick up my dry cleaning!"
• The savings in ink alone would be enormous, as they would no longer have to print both the issue number and the price on the cover.
• It would be the perfect justification to NOT eliminate the penny.

This is why I make the big money, people--ideas, always ideas, they can't be stopped..

What The #$%^???--Go-Go

I could have made this a Tale From the Quarter Bin, but really, it's just too dang nuts.

What is? Why, Charlton Comics Go-Go #5 (Feb 1967). Gaze at it in awe:

You know, I've looked at this about 150 times over the past 2 days, and I still don't know what to make of it. What, exactly, is this beastie?

As best as I can describe it--and words are actually failing me now--is that it is trying to combine the feel of the MAD comic books of the 1950's with the aesthetics of Archie comics, heavily peppered with the pop culture of the early late 60's via Laugh-In. All filtered through the sensibilities of middle-aged white-collar workers desperately trying to sound hip.

Seriously, this odd, odd comic book caroms from a MAD-style lampoon of the Justice League to an extraordinarily lame attempt to do a lampoon mash-up of Peyton Place and Dark Shadows, to the Archie filtered through Not Brand Ecch!! adventures of the pop band The Rotting Stumps to...

Aside from the amazingly amateurish and off-putting design of the cover, please note two things that epitomize what this magazine is doing to my brain. First, there's the featured cover character, Ms. Bikini Luv:

Man, does that ever say 60's in every way possible, or what? Secondly, please check out this from the bottom of the cover:

Hmmm...Pin-ups of Sonny and Cher? Sock it to me, baby. And what exactly do they mean by "colorful black & white?" Let me guess...

Yup, just plain old black & white. Have you no shame, Dick Giordano?

But wait, there's a second pin-up:

Uhhh....why? Uhhhh....head exploding....

Anyway, we're not done with Go-Go yet. Not by a long shot...Stay tuned...

Hurl Your Tiny Might Against Gormuu!!

My pal Mark is doing a great occasional series on the wonderful Marvel (or Timely) Monsters of the late 50's and early 60's.

While I don't want to horn in on his act, I DO want to note one of the great modern pastiches of those stories, as presented by John Byrne in Fantastic Four #271 (1984):

The story flashes back to a time shortly before the fateful rocket trip, when apparently giant monsters from space were landing every other day. And Byrne hits all the notes during his little 8 page story-with-a-story. It starts with a drive through the countryside (galactic monsters never, it seemed, landed in cities)...

...our hero alone initially encounters the would-be conqueror (so nobody can believe the hero until it's too late)...

...who has a deliciously goofy name ('cause he's alien, see?)...

...and is no big fan of E.T....

I won't spoil the rest of the story, but it is a delightful homage to a delightfully silly time in Marvel history. OK, I will spoil that Reed defeats Gormuu with the help of "a simple, wooden ruler." And that Gormuu's attack, and the threat of other space dictators, was the impetus for Reed hurrying his rocket test without proper shielding...

GAARD!!! says: C'mon, now, after that, you can't possibly say I was the lamest FF villain ever!!! C'mon!!

Upon Further Review--Countdown #51

Now that we're finally approaching the bitter end of Countdown to Yet Another Crisis, let's take a look back at the triple gatefold cover of the first issue of the maxi-series, #51:

Not exactly the most honest representation of what the series is going to be about, is it? Let's showcase a bunch of heroes who aren't even going to be in the series!!

While most of the characters depicted on the cover, the majority have them have come in teensy little cameos, and most of those were just retelling events that had already been shown elsewhere, in other DC mags. Supergirl, for example, appeared briefly at Black Canary's bachelorette party, and that's it. Most of the JSA members depicted showed up in retellings of portions of the Lightning Saga, which had already concluded weeks before Countdown got around to mentioning it.

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman? Despite some substantial possibilities, they're not really in this series AT ALL, despite their presence front and center on the cover.

And the characters the series is really about? Jimmy Olsen's nowhere to be seen. Only Jason Todd makes the front cover. Donna Troy, Kyle Rayner, the Atom--shoved off onto the "hidden" third page of the cover. Mary Marvel? All the way off to the left on page 1. Piper and Trickster? Nope. Holly and Harley? Nope. Karate Kid and "Una?" Yeah, but you can't really tell who they are, and they're buried amidst the crowd on page 1.

So, Paul Dini, Dan DiDio and Andy Kubert et al? Liars, liars, pants on fire. I'm just sayin'.