Friday Night Fights--Parallax Style!!

For tonight's Friday Night Fights, let's step back to the halcyon days of 1994, for an all-splash page special.

The scene: right after Emerald Twilight, we have an insane Hal Jordan (editors note: he wasn't insane, he was possessed by a demonic parasitic entity who was the sentient embodiment of fear!)) (author's note: yeah, right, whatever).

Anyway, Hal Jordan is on a rampage to steal all the power he can so he can "change the universe" and "set things right." He's beaten the crap out of a number of DC's most powerful heroes, but one is still kicking: Guy Gardner, wielding Sinestro's ring. Will it be enough?

Beau Smith and Mitch Byrd present the entire isssue in one and two-page splashes, so let's pick it up at "THOOM!"

Now, when you're as powerful as Parallax is at this point, there's really only one response: hit Guy with an asteroid...

...and then up the sound effects ante while debating political philosophy:

And remember, kids: it's not Hal Jordan sounding completely unhinged here...it's the color yellow!

And since throwing a small planet at Guy wasn't enough, well, let's throw Guy at a planet!!

The finisher: the sucker punch from behind!

So much for Warrior...Good thing we ret-conned away 100% of Hal Jordan's responsibility for all this. Hey, maybe next we can reveal that Peter Parker was possessed by an ancient entity when he let the thief escape, so he's really not at all responsible for Uncle Ben's death!!

All I know is, no fear entity could possess Bahlactus!!

Guy gets whooped, but not really by Hal Jordan, in Guy Gardner Warrior #21.

The Most Disturbing Thing I've Seen This Week

So one of the hits on Slay Monstrobot today was generated by a search request (on Google Canada!!) for "Batman spanking Captain America."

Wow, Canada, I am keeping my eye on you from now on.

Still, if that's what readers are looking for, well, who am I to stand in the way of progress?

However, I just couldn't find any shots of Bruce Wayne whooping Steve Rogers in a spankatological sense. But will this do?

OK, that's gonna cause nightmares...

Extraordinarily disturbing panel stolen from the ALWAYS disturbing What Were They Thinking site, a great spot for your daily dose of "Eeeeewwwwww."

DC Dies Many Times Before Their Death

As Occasional Superwoman noted the other day, DC has been, well, completely not interested in actually doing anything with the Batwoman character they announced to great fanfare 9 months ago. You remember that, right? Press releases, interviews on CNN, write-ups in the New York Times...that's dream publicity for a new launch, right?

Tick, tock....

Since then, we've seen Batwoman only in a handful of issues of 52, and one token guest appearance in the Crime Bible mini-series. Both by Greg Rucka.

Crickets chirping...

And that's it. Period. No new series or mini-series in the near future. Nada. In the year of a new Batmovie, when anything vaguely Bat-related is going to gussied up and put into a trade or a prestige edition or a mini-series, a brand new, exciting Bat-character is going to be completely ignored. This despite all the trouble they went to get the mainstream press to take notice. It's as if after announcing the new Captain America, Marvel suddenly said, "Ahh, never mind."

But really--it's not because she's a lesbian. Really. No, seriously.

Except...

This is Gotham City. Home of the Batman (Goddamned or otherwise). And let's look at how Batman typically reacts to new vigilantes in his town. From last week's Robin #171 (really? Is it #171 already? Sheesh, I'm gettin' old...):

We've all seen this a hundred times, right? A new vigilante dares to set foot in Gotham, and Batman shows up or sics his minions on them, seemingly within minutes, and gives them The Speech: You're an amateur, this is my town, get out. Hell, he gives The Speech to established heroes he already knows when they dare to trespass his turf.

And you'd think that, since someone was using his Bat-motif, he'd be especially interested.

But in all the time since he returned to Gotham after 52, not only hasn't he sought out Batwoman to give her the speech, he's not even MENTIONED or acknowledged in ANY WAY that there is a Batwoman. Not a single mention. Nothing.

Does anyone believe for an instant that, if we had a heterosexual vigilante running around Gotham ripping off Batman's act, Bruce wouldn't have shown up, at least to spy on them or warn them? Hell, a minor leaguer turns up in Robin, and he's ready to run her out of town by the next issue. But with Batwoman...?

Sounds of the ocean...

Let's see...DC announces a new gay character, and then suddenly shrugs and decides to do nothing with her. And Batman completely ignores her existence, despite that being completely atypical for him.

I'm not sure one can infer anything other than this: that DC is so homophobic (or more likely, scared of homophobic backlash), that they won't even let Batman mention a gay character. And if they have to have him act completely out of character to avoid meeting or even mentioning that gay person, well, so be it.

I really can't see any other conclusion.

That's sad. And it's chicken-shit.

About Anthologies...and Whither Weeklies?

Well, DC has apparently decided that a year-long weekly series is going to be a permanent fixture in their publishing plans. Trinity will follow in the footsteps of 52 and Countdown, featuring one long story about Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

In a big break from tradition that might avoid some of the pitfalls of those other two series, there will be one creative team--Kurt Busiek and Mark Bagley, doing the front 12 pages of EVERY issue. The the plans for the remaining ten pages sound a bit more nebulous, but will be by Busiek and Fabian Nicieza with art by various artists, and will sometimes be one-shot stuff and sometimes a continuing story.

Now, to me, it sounds like maybe, just maybe, they might be getting the formula right, by combining a weekly with an anthology. It sounds like it could avoid the pitfalls of the too many cooks approaches of 52 and Countdown, where both the quality and content veered wildly from week to week, depending on which team was up.

I've always thought there was room for more anthology titles on the market...but DC and Marvel usually mucked it up by making them monthly. Showcase '9x and the current Marvel Comics Presents show the perils of doing so...it's hard to keep momentum going for 6 pages at a time when you don't pick up the story again for 4-5 weeks. It's tough for the reader to remember, and it's tough on the creator to pace it so you have a natural story break/cliffhanger every six pages.

But by being weekly and having longer stories, I hope Trinity will be able to avoid that. The original run of Marvel Comic Presents was bi-weekly, and eventually settled on Wolverine as the permanent lead feature.

But I'm most reminded of 2 decades ago, when, for about a one year period, Action Comics became Action Comics Weekly--a weekly giant-size anthology title. Each week, 48 pages for $1.50, continuing stories and one-shots. And lots of stories and characters that weren't getting any attention elsewhere in the DC Universe: Mike Baron's wonderful Deadman stories, the Secret Six, the Phantom Stranger...

It wasn't perfect...the decision to relegate Superman to a 2 page "newspaper" style appearance every week was incredibly dumb. And of course, a fair amount of lame stories made it through.

But it did the anthology idea right: it allowed stories and characters that weren't going to be seen elsewhere, and it kept the fans coming to the feeder pellet button every week, when the last week's stories were still fresh in their minds.

So I hope Trinity works better as a weekly series than its predecessors (although I despair now of ever seeing Astro City again...). And I hope DC and Marvel move back to more frequent anthologies, using them as a guide to their wondrous universes. It's always seemed to me to be a great way to develop new talent and showcase your less well-known characters.

Oh, and Marvel? Get BETTER stories than the crap now appearing in Marvel Comics Presents. Yuck.

Your Love and Pity Doth the Impression Fill...

You might want to sit down, folks.

Because Mr. T is going to star in his own, original graphic novel!!

Now, some of you naysayers out there may be yammering, "c'mon, snell, how can there be a good graphic novel starring Mr. T?!?"

Well, I say this is how:

Armed only with his fists, acumen, and a business card that reads, “Next to God there is no better protector than I”, Mr. T becomes as renowned as many of his clients. But will even the moniker of “The Greatest Bodyguard in the World!” make any difference when old enemies return and new foes and unseen faces conspire against him?...

The story also mixes in all the adrenaline-fuelled action normally associated with the television tough guy, including a dejected armor-clad maniac, an unstoppable lumberjack, mysterious costumed adversaries, and someone who appears far too familiar for comfort.

How do I feel this book is going to be?



Now, will somebody please spend the $39 and lend the book to me???

Friday Night Fights--Wild Kingdom Style!!

We've already seen the cartilage-crushing fury of Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, fighting a shark:

And we've witnessed first hand the carnage as the son of Fu Manchu had to face off against his father's schizophrenic gorilla:

But those weren't Shang's only forays against the animal kingdom, not by a long shot. Especially in the early days of the mag, the writers loved nothing more than pitting him against wild beasties (in between bouts against murderous assassins, that is).

Take, for example, Shang Chi vs. the alligator:





Or, in one of Paul Gulacy's finest early moments, Shang-Chi vs. the jaguar:





Seriously, in his first few issues he fought so many animals, I thought Marlin Perkins was going to show up!

But, there was one animal Shang-Chi couldn't defeat...well, not so much an animal, as a muck-encrusted mockery of a man: Ladies and gentleman, Shang-Chi vs. Man-Thing!!



No, that one didn't go so well, did it? Ewwww.....

Fortunately for Man-Thing, Bahlactus wasn't around to teach him the true meaning of fear!!

In order, we have scenes from Master of Kung Fu #21, Special Marvel Edition #15, MOKF # 23, 25, and 19. I swear to heaven, when I win the lottery, I'm going to buy the Sax Rohmer rights and sell them to Marvel so we can get some reprints going....

What, Quesada Never Watched Grammar Rock?!?

So starting with most of this week's books, Marvel has a new little box for the issue number on their covers:

It's bad enough to have to put up with the double advertisement crammed in there. But c'mon, folks, would a little bit of correct grammar have hurt you?

Do they have any idea how irritating it's going to be to have that flung in our faces 2,546 times until Skrullapalooza kicks off?

"Who Do You Trust?" Well, I guess that's what you get when you make an artist your editor-in-chief....

Solicit of the Month

The Brave and the Bold #13:

"Batman and Jay Garrick stand against an android samurai with a bad attitude!"

They had me at "Batman and Jay Garrick," and then they had to throw in the android samurai...

You Know You Read Too Many Comic Books When...

Why is it that every time I see the logo for the University of West Virginia...

I can't help but see it as just an incomplete version of this:

Resistance is Futile

You might want to refer to this story recently run in the Onion before continuing, because they're right--Aerosmith cannot be stopped.

Evidence? Let me present Exhibit A, Shadowman #19 (1993):

Yup, that is indeed Aerosmith jamming with Shadowman. And if the cover's not enough for you, well, you'd best be sitting down for this splash page...

...and perhaps nothing can EVER top this 2-panel bit:

Thank you, Valiant Comics, and thank you, Bob Hall. And if the youth of today think they can resist the power of Aerosmith, well, I have just one thing to say to them:

Paid for by the Coalition to Put More Rock Stars into Superhero Comics.

The Worst Avengers Line-Up Ever...?

...Or the WORST Avengers line-up EVER in the entire MULTIVERSE??

Friday Night Fights--Bendis Assemble Style!!

Since Brian Michael Bendis is writing BOTH Avengers mags right now, well, no one should be as able to pull off a massive fight scene as well as he can, right??

So let's start with Mighty Avengers #8, released 2 weeks ago. The scene: Ms. Marvel, leader of the Mightys, has the drop on all of the New Avengers, pooped out after a long battle.. They're breaking the registration act, so it's time to take those rapscallions into custody. Prepare for Avenger vs. Avenger action!!


Oh, here it comes...
OOOOOOOKKKKK....not quite the fight scene I expected...but that's all right. Let's try again!!

Let's jump over to New Avengers Annual #2, out the same week. The situation this time: Ms. Marvel and a squad of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have the drop on the New Avengers, pooped out after a long battle. This time, nothing can stop the big throwdown!!



Ummm...not so much.

What the hell is this, Bendis?? You keep setting up these great battle royale scenes, and you keep pussing out!! And, worse, it's a virtual replay of the other scene....

All right, all right, 3rd time has to be the charm, right? Let's check this week's New Avengers #38. The scene: Ms. Marvel and the rest of the Mighty Avengers have the drop on Luke Cage, emotional distraught while having an argument with his wife. This has gotta be the one, right?? This time, it's personal!! This time, no holds barred!! This time...




Sigh...Does Bendis get paid for writing THE EXACT SAME SCENE 3 times? Ms. Marvel let's the New Avengers walk, and argues with a subordinate about it? In 3 separate issues released 2 weeks apart?!? C'mon--we've got Wonder Man and Ares and the Sentry and Ms. Marvel and Power Man and Iron Fist and Spider-Man and Wolverine violently opposed to each others' positions, arrests imminent, and we have fewer punches thrown than the average epsiode of The View?? Maybe he just wanted to see three different artists interpretations of the same seen...

Dammit, Bendis, what am I gonna do for Friday Night Fights now?? I've gotta have somebody punching the bejesus outta somebody!!!

Ahhh...see, you do know how!!

Too bad Bahlactus isn't writing the Avengers these days...

Scenes of Bendis turning the Avengers into endless Gilmore Girl reruns are from Mighty Avengers #8, New Avengers Annual #2, and New Avengers #38. Someone actually getting belted is from Mighty Avengers #8. Stay tuned for Mighty Avengers #9, where Ms. Marvel lets the New Avengers go, and New Avengers #39, wherein Ms. Marvel decides against capturing the New Avengers. And don't forget Mighty Avengers Annual #1, in which Ms. Marvel confronts the New Avengers, but decides to do nothing.

Valentine's Day Special--A Tribute to Eternal Love

God, I'm far too cynical a bastard to be let loose on this particular day...

Valentine's Day Special--Bachelor Batman

Dear Warner Brothers film executives:

Please note the following summary.

Batman (1989). Bruce Wayne love interest: Vicki Vale.

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman Returns. Bruce Wayne love interest: Selina Kyle (Catwoman).

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman Forever. Bruce Wayne love interest: Dr. Chase Meridian

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman and Robin. Bruce Wayne love interest: No serious attempt.

Batman Begins. Bruce Wayne love interest: Rachel Dawes

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film. (CORRECTION: As Siskoid correctly noted, Rachel Dawes does return in Dark Knight. She's just played by Maggie Gyllenhaal this time out. Mea culpa. Still, I believe my general point stands...)

Warner executives, PLEASE STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Aside from the stunningly repetitious and uninteresting execution of the multiple attempts to give Bruce Wayne a love life (and despite the possible implication that there are a pile of old girlfriends corpses deep in the Batcave, lest his secret get out), this is really, really unnecessary.

This is Batman. He is obsessive to the point of mental illness. His "normal" life is just a shell he uses. As your repeated failed attempts demonstrate, he's probably incapable of have a long-term relationship with any woman.

Besides, I'm willing to bet that in the past 20 years, not a single extra ticket has been sold because of whomever you cast to be Bruce love interest du film.

So stop it. If one of your writers or directors comes up with an ORIGINAL idea for a relationship for Bruce, go for it. But quit trying to shoehorn it in, casting another name actress to follow the EXACT same character arc.

Besides, this is The Batman. He doesn't need a girlfriend.


OK, that's not what I meant...

That you for your attention.

Valentine's Day Special--Bold Fashion Choices--Supergirl!!

I make this pledge to DC: if you put Supergirl back into this costume...





I will start reading her book again. And again. And again...

Panels from Adventure Comics #399 & #405, 1970-1971. Thank you, Mike Sekowski!!

Valentine's Day Special--This One's For the Ladies

A little Valentine beefcake for my readers...

Oh, Jimmy Olsen, you've STILL got it!!

Grrrrr!! The ladies can love Jimmy in Countdown to Yet Another Crisis #12

Valentine's Day Special--Superman Is a Dickweed!!

We've previously seen that the Silver Age Superman Family was a dysfunctional one at best. What else could you say about a "family" where the hero's "best pal" fakes having a terminal illness, to trick that hero into revealing his secret identity???

Well, it turns out that Jimmy learned his dickweedery from the best:

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: Superman had a damned good reason for doing this. He's faking Clark's death to trick some villains into revealing themselves, or to protect Lois from intergalactic goons, or something equally noble.

NOPE. The complete and only reason that Superman fakes Clark Kent's suicide is to teach Lois a lesson for always being mean to Clark. Seriously. That's it!!! You don't love me enough, so I will emotionally torture you!! That's what I call a great hero!!

And no, there's no red kryptonite or magic or anything remotely exonerating involved.

This story starts as The Daily Planet, once again not feeling there's any actual news to print, sends BOTH Lois and Clark to cover the Metropolis County Fair (what, again with the county fair??). Clark spots "Rabbit-foot Willie, the superstitious heist artist who always consults a fortune teller before he starts a caper." (Not exactly a Batman caliber villain, eh?) So, doing what any brilliant hero would do, he quickly takes over an abandoned sideshow booth, and at superspeed creates the identity of Dr. Astar the mystic!!

Using a combination of super-hypnosis and super-vision trickery, Superman convinces Willie that Astar is the real deal, and ferrets out enough clues to figure out where the crime will take place:

TIME OUT: So the swankiest restaurant in Metropolis closes at 7PM on a Friday night?!? What kind of freakin' cow town is Metropolis, anyway??

Back to our story. Superman of course catches the thugs in the act, and shows that, even before the Department of Homeland Security, it was OK in the DC Universe to use torture to extract confessions:

And when Superman finally takes down criminal mastermind Willy, well, Lois is pretty damn smitten with Astar:

Clark decides to keep his new secret identity as Astar going for awhile, just to see how interested Lois really is. What does he find? That Lois is a complete evil bitch to Clark Kent:

A couple of flashbacks up the ante on how cruel and nasty Lois has been to the poor Smallville reporter:



So Kal-El finally decides that Lois must be punished for not liking Clark Kent enough!! He has Astar predict Clark's suicide to Lois...

...and then he "actually" carries it out! He leaves a suicide note and everything!!

Text of suicide note: "Darling Lois, I've worshipped you for years, always dreaming that you'd marry me some day, but it's hopeless. You taunt me as a weakling and coward, and you're right. You'd never consent to be Mrs. Clark Kent, but... (Rest illegible)"

Lois is completely guilt-stricken, and confesses how wrong she was:

Now, if this were your average cruel sitcom, it'd be time to fess up, let Lois know that Clark was really alive, and hope she had learned her lesson. Oh, but that wouldn't be nearly dickweedy enough for the Man of Steel!! Lois must suffer for her sin of daring not to love him!!

Wow...

Anyway, so insane is Kal-El at this point, he decides to leave Clark Kent dead forever, and permanently take up Astar as his new secret identity!! Wha???

Sadly for our somewhat-deranged Kryptonian, the plan doesn't go well. For although she is dating Astar, Lois is still obsessed over poor Clark's death:

So, it's on to plan B. Announce to Lois that the "stars" have said their relationship will never work, AND predict that Clark will be found alive tomorrow!! And when Clark shows up (along with a patently absurd and complicated explanation as to why he had been gone--hint--it involved Aquaman and super-hypnosis), well, it's time for (finally) some Super-lovin' from Lois Lane:







So men-folk, if there's one lesson that Silver Age DC comics have for you this Valentine's Day. this is it: fake your own death, and your woman will love you even more for it!! Because that's how DC heroes rolled in their love lives back in the day.

BONUS PANEL OF JIMMY OLSEN STUPIDITY:

Yeah, because if I had a watch that could instantly summon the most powerful being on the planet, I would forget about that all the time, too...

Superman equates emotional suffering with love in Superman #210, 1968. Please don't try this in real life, kids...because only Kal-El loves the ladies enough to make this work!!

Oops...

(No, not "Oops" as in "Thors")

Yesterday was my 200th post, and I never even noticed. Wow...Sorry about that. For those who survived my 100th post super spectacular, you know I like to have fun with the anniversary, but things just kinda slipped away this month, I guess. C'est la vie...

Then again, maybe it's a sign of how comfortable I've become with the task of doing this blog on a (mostly) daily basis. When I started way back last July, it was a) mainly an experiment, b) because I had just bought a new printer/scanner combo--which was only $10 more than replacing the ink cartridges on my old crappy printer!!, and c) I justed wanted to vent some spleen in ways that probably wouldn't be appropriate just commenting on other people's blogs. Given my personality and my *ahem* slender ability to stick to a firm schedule, I would have bet you 50 quatloos I wouldn't have made it this long this consistently.

But now I can't stop--I even have dreams about updating the blog, by Rao!! True story: last night I dreamed there was a comic I had read 20 years ago--not an actual comic, this one existed only in my dream, thank heavens--that had a very controversial editor's note that upset a lot of fans. And in the dream, Marvel had just published a new comic in 2008 that answered and settled that controversy...except I thought it was a sucky answer that made no sense, so I rushed home and blogged about it. What a waste of a dream, eh? I can't even get away from blogging comics in my subconscious, now...(Note: the comic somehow involved Jack of Hearts---don't ask me...)

It's an odd organic process, this blog...some days I have about 20 posts lined up, some days I have absolutely no inspiration, so I just dive into a long box and see what surfaces. And of course, there's always something in the new comics that week to set me off...

So, I guess you're all stuck with me. No big changes coming...just me going Monstrobot on annoying fools, yukking it up in the Silver Age, and trying to find the oddest damned Friday Night Fights ever.

Thanks to everybody who comments, both praise and criticism. Thanks to my fellow comic bloggers, for encouragement and the inspiration their efforts provide. And a special thanks to Radio Shack, for giving us the TRS-80.

A couple of my favorite moments from the past 100 posts:
*The dark truth behind the Wizard of Oz
*Lois always knows what not to wear
*Adam-12 versus a monkey
*The most disturbing thing EVER seen on the internet

Well, that's enough self-reference for the next 100 posts or so. Until then, I leave you the immortal words of Doctor Doom:

Friday Night Fights--Thunder Lizard Style!!

OK, OK, how to present this....you see, this just might be the most freakin' mind-blowing Friday Night Fight EVER. And in the interest of protecting you, the dear reader, I'm going to have to lead you into this verrrrrry gently, lest your brain explode from sheer awesomeness!! Seriously...So how to start (ever so careully)? How about this:

Godzilla in a tank of sharks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, wait, calm down....we're not even close to the mind-blowing part yet!!

A little background is called for here. In perhaps the most unjustly overlooked series of the entire 1970's, Marvel's Godzilla, we each month had the stunning spectacle of Godzilla interacting with some of Marvel's finest. At the point we're observing, Godzilla has been temporarily shrunk down by Pym particles (?!?!?!) to a more managable 20 feet tall. So after a chase through the Natural History Museum in New York City (OMG) the Fantastic Four corner him in a shark tank (ahhhhh!!!) Which leads to this:



THE EVER LOVIN' BLUE-EYED THING FIGHTING SHARKS?!?!

Slow down there, fair reader...we haven't yet begun to tip the scales of craziness here!! Anyway, after subduing the King of All Monsters, Reed Richards hits upon the keenest solution of all time:

Let's use Doctor Doom's time machine to send Godzilla back to the Mesozoic!!!! It's so crazy, that it just might work!!

Well, it does (for awhile). And of course, this is Godzilla, so despite being somewhat...diminished, what's the first thing thjat happens when he arrives? Yup, HE FIGHTS DINOSAURS!!! And not just any dinosaurs, but EVIL DINOSAURS:



Now, what is the iron clad rule of 1970's Marvel comics? When two heroes meet for the first time, they fight mistakenly. IT IS A RULE, DAMMIT!! So when our special guest star's buddy doesn't understand that those were EVIL dinosaurs Godzilla just BBQ'd, he has his buddy leap into action:

(WAIT!! BEFORE YOU EXAMINE THE NEXT PANELS, HAVE A BUCKET NEARBY TO COLLECT THE REMANTS OF YOUR EXPLODED BRAIN!!!)



That's right, friends....GODZILLA VERSUS DEVIL DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your brains have just exploded.





Sadly, that whiney Moon Boy breaks them up before we get a true winner. Sigh...But we all know Godzilla would have kicked his ass, right?

Because the only being Godzilla can't totally destroy is the man called Bahlactus!!

Loads of Lizard Lovin' given to us by Doug Moench and Herb Trimpe in Godzilla #21, 1979

The Musical or the Planet?

You know, you'd think I would get my fill of DC gorillas. Surely it was an overused story element in its day.

But it always makes me giggle like a maniac. I can just picture Julie Schwartz pounding the table during a story conference, yelling, "Dammit, you know what this story needs? GORILLAS!!" And he would usually be right.

So imagine my glee when I stumble across something like this:

Well, it was a little late in DC's gorilla boom (1976, to be exact). And it was edited by Gerry Conway, not Schwartz. But damn if that isn't Hawkman turned into a gorilla!! And for once, a DC cover of that era doesn't lie to us!!

I won't go into detail on this story...it's a silly exercise in which Grodd (surprise!!) uses his uncanny mental abilities to possess Hawkman, turn him into a gorilla, break Grodd out of jail, and use Thanagarian technology aboard Hawkman's ship to kill all humans on earth and blah, blah, blah.

But there are a couple of points of interest. The chapter titles are the most god awful puns ever:



Ouch, babe. Those are banned as war crimes on some planets...

And the Flash is a real prick in this story...

Oh, Barry...you're better than that...

That's all...no real point today. Just indulging in some mid-70's schlock courtesy of Super-Team Family #3, 1976. Gorillas!!

A Couple of Dumb Arkham Questions

From last week's Green Lantern #27:

So, at Arkham they're just letting crazed super-villains sit around cells in their costumes? Including full face masks, which would make swapping identites to facilitate escapes that much easier?

(Just to prove that I can answer my own questions, obviously it's a storytelling shortcut for those GL readers who might not recognize Jonathan Crane out of his business suit. Still...Alternatively, it's a "new therapy." Your choice.)

Second (and more important) question. After decades of failure at rehabilitating Gotham's many nut cases, and indeed of not even being able to hold them securely for more than 5 minutes at a time, why in the world doesn't billionaire Bruce Wayne buy Arkham and improve it? Or raze it to the ground and start over? Or, if it's not for sale, just start his own state of the art facility, staffed with the best shrinks in the world, etc.? This man can build flipping satellites for the JLA, but he lets the festering boil of Arkham continue to ooze on his own home turf??

I know that Bruce Wayne has more or less vanished as a character in the DC Universe, but even so the writers rarely take advantage of some of the story opportunities presented by the fact that Bruce is so rich, Bill Gates borrows cab fare from him...

Speaking of Trophy Cases...

We've maybe seen some subtle movement on the "give Stephanie Brown a trophy case" movement lately, with some writers tossing in wry remarks and hallucinatory sequences and whatnot. Hints of support? Or maybe they're just mocking those lobbying for a memorial for her. ...

I'm largely agnostic on the issue. But here's another question for you: where's the display for Jean-Paul Valley??

Sure, no one seemed to like him all that much (although his series did last for 100 issues). But he actually WAS the Goddamned Batman for awhile. And he was an agent of Batman's for far longer than Spoiler/Robin.

So if we're talking trophy case equity, it seems we should be talking about Azrael, too...

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

After my brilliant post about CBS's 1968 Saturday morning cartoon line-up, one question has reverberated through the internet: Moby Dick? The Mighty Mightor? Whassup with that?

The answer? This is what was up, friends:



Perfection. Sheer perfection.

TMI

Why I miss letter columns in comic books, reason #207: Really morbid questions...

...result in really morbid answers:

Uhhh...do you two need a room?

Editor taking waaay too much delight in describing types of pain in Superman #210, October 1968. Now, can you describe how fire makes the Martian Manhunter feel??

Things That Make Me Smile--Life Was Better in 1968

Cartoons until 2PM Saturdays? That's right--2PM!! And none of that educational crap, either!!

The freakin' Herculoids?!?

The Archies!! Just for Chris Sims!!

The Wacky Races--this was the first meta-series, man...the Countdown of Hanna-Barbera 1968!!

Johhny Quest!!

Moby Dick and the Mighty Mightor??? Look it up, kids!! Look, the dexcription of Mightor alone should convince how great Staurday mornings used to be: "Caveman Tor was given the power to transform into the super-powered Mightor by a hermit, using a super-powered club. With his pet flying dinosaur, Tog, he protected his village from evil-doers." And don't forget Moby Dick: "Teenage boys Tom and Tub were rescued by the great white whale Mody Dick after a shipwreck. Together with their pet seal, Scooby, they faced the dangers of the undersea world."

Go ahead, kids. "Tear this out and carry it with you everywhere." Why not deface a Silver Age comic book, just so you can pull out this list at 3PM on Thursday afternoon on the school bus? Because you can never tell when you might need to know what time Shazzan! is on...

Oh, and it's not exactly the Green Lantern oath, but c'mon, this'll get the blood stirring, right?

C'mon!! You're stirred!! Admit it!! Seeing Superman, Batman and Robin drone on zombie-style IS exciting!

Ahem....

Did I mention cartoons until 2PM?

What The #$%^--Superman and Radio Shack

Well, if you recall yesterday's epic battle, Superman got his ass kicked by a TRS-80. No, seriously.

OK, that just sounds so...odd. So let's journey back to the end of the disco era, when Bill Gates was just beginning to dream of world domination: 1980. Or: look what snell found in the quarter bin!:

Wow.

Compliments of Radio Shack?!? A free comic?!?! And no strings attached...except for DC trying to shove TRS-80's down our throat.

I've seen DC freebie comics before (kids--this was long before anyone had dreamed up Free Comics Day!), but usually they were public service type things: the New Teen Titans telling us not to do drugs, or some such. But I'd never seen one whose sole purpose was merely a commercial for some non-DC company.

And this thing is entirely a commercial for Radio Shack, and its exciting new affordable computer. Every ad in the book is for Radio Shack and their goods, and the entire story is how the TRS-80 helps Superman save the day. Hell, even the official title of the book is "Superman in 'The Computers That Saved Metropolis.'"

And that story? Superman shows up at Ms. Wilson's sixth-grade class, bearing two mysterious boxes, which he describes as "very special equipment." First, though, Superman gives the class a lecture on the history of the computer, and how important they will be in modern life, including this diagram:

Ahh, advanced computing...Anyway, Superman reveals that the mysterious boxes contain two TRS-80's for the class!! Why Superman is the delivery boy, and why he's so hot for Radio Shack, is never really explained. Maybe he owned stock...

After a brief distraction to save Metropolis from a freak tornado, Superman returns to class, and is challenged by the children to compete against the computers. This is where yesterday's Friday Night Fights starts, so go take a look if you want to refresh your memory. All set?

So why did Superman lose? Well, as the cover showed us, our super-villain today is Major Disaster, and he had one clever-ass plan:





Yes, "far too obvious" to actually kill him. What a nimrod. Major Disaster is a loser even in a non-canonical commercial sell-out...

So anyway, the net effect of Disaster's devious ploy? Superman can't use his super-brain to control his super-powers any more:

So when Major Doofus goes on TV to announce that he's going to unleash 3 disasters upon Metropolis that Superman can't stop, we know the game is up. Except he didn't plan for: THE COMPUTER WHIZ KIDS (sponsored by Radio Shack...)!!

Yup, Superman is going to have 2 sixth-graders and the mind-numbingly fast TRS-80 guide him in how to save the day!! Sure, you may have thought the TRS-80 was only good for using BASIC to continually scroll dirty words on the screens at your local Radio Shack, but watch it save Metropolis here:





Well, after two more incredibly tense disasters, Superman effortlessly captures Major Diasaster--offscreen!! And while talking to the press...well, no more pretense of story here!! Superman just becomes a complete shill, while cheating WGBS out of potential advertising income:



Wow. This makes the whole Hostess Fruit Pie thing look like a bulwark of ethical integrity, huh?

Let's take a quick peek at a couple of the completely coincidental ads in this comic:

First, the very first "Dummies" book

Next, a big choice to make

Next, why Superman really lost: Networking=magic...and only $500 for a router!

Fianlly, an indication of how little we actually knew about computers in 1980:

Questions: Exactly how much did DC pull in leasing out America's greatest hero to be a computer huckster? Why Major Disaster, and not a more recognizable villain? Were there any other of these commercial sell-outs, with other heroes or other products, that I don't know about?

Well, that concludes our tour of 1980 cross-promtional selling-out, enticing children to beg their parents for "computers" that would be obsolete in 12 nanoseconds. It's hard to imagine such a blatant bit of commercial pandering these days. They were simpler times, those days...Then again, if Superman drinking Coke a couple of times per issue, or Spider-Man pointing out the virtues of a Ford Taurus, can keep the price of our comics from rising above $2.99, well, pander away, gentlemen!!

Friday Night Fights--Radio Shack Style!!

There are some battles so epic, so groundbreaking, so devastatingly awesome, that the mere comics panel cannot hope to contain them. This is one of them:

That's right, Superman vs. a TRS-80.

Now you may be saying to yourself, Kal-El is from Krypton, and has 10th-level super-intelligence (at least pre-Crisis). Well, my friends, that is absolutely nothing against the 4K power of a TRS-80. Let's watch round one in the seminal example of man versus machine, shall we?





A tie. A TIE?? A being who could fly faster than the speed of light couldn't think faster than a 1980 computer?

Of course, in fairness, letting the girl write the whole program before starting the race is a little unfair, wouldn't you say? Surely an evaluation of how fast it is should include how long it takes to set up before it could solve the problem.

But we're not about fairness around these parts!! Let's go to the more challenging round two--geometry!!

Uh-oh, Man of Steel, this guy looks like trouble...









HOLY SHIT, Superman got pwned by the TRS-80!! What a knockout!! (And no wonder the Legion got its clock cleaned by Computo, if this is any example of how man vs. machine is gonna go!!)

But don't forget the post-knockout trash talk:

Ooooh, Superman, this is pretty ugly. Forget about Brainiac, or Superman vs. Terminator, or Superman vs. the Matrix. Earth is now clearly doomed, because the Man of Tomorrow has been bitch-slapped by the computer of yesterday.

Now, I know you all have questions: Why the hell was Superman pimping TRS-80's? Who is the mysterious super-villain behind this shattering defeat? Can Kal-El get is groove back? And in general, WHAT THE #$%^ IS GOING ON HERE??

All will be answered in tomorrow's post, I promise. In the meantime, remember that one being can kick HAL 9000's ass at converting farenheit to celcius: Bahlactus!! Word.

Credit for this week's most unusual Friday Night Fights ever goes to Cary Bates, Jim Starlin, and Dick Giordano.