Friday Night Fights--Albino Gorilla Style!!

A madman has transplanted his mind into the body of an albino gorilla, and is on a murder spree in Gotham City. What do you think is gonna happen?

Now, despite what you long-time nerds are thinking, this is NOT the Ultra-Humanite that Batman is fighting. No, this is the other DC villain to transplant his mind into an albino gorilla, Xavier Simon. You've never heard of him? Hey, don't ask Jim Starlin questions when he's on a roll!!

How to beat the gorilla? First, Batman needs an equalizer.

Then, let the beat down begin:

And yet, somehow, Batman doesn't finish him?

Nope. So how does the Caped Crusader get out of this one?

Well, he doesn't, really. A private security guard shoots Simon in the back, creating some great sound effects, and a terse thanks from the Dark Knight.

Hmmm, that's not the way we usually end things here for a Friday Night Fights. Kind of a downer, huh? Batman doesn't even beat the bad guy. Whatever shall we do?

Thank you, Batgirl!!

'Twas Bahlactus that killed the Beast, or the albino gorilla, or whatever...

Batman's colossal failure (as well as Batgirl's triumph) is shown in Detective Comics Starring the Batman Family #482. Now if only we could get Batman one on one with the Ultra-Humanite...

Bold Fashion Choices--Lois Lane Edition

Those of you who are sensitive, or easily put into comas or seizures, might want to avert your eyes from what comes next. Because, man, we are dipping back into the '70s for this monstrosity:

I did warn you. Let's go to the close-up, Monstrobot:

Man. I mean, like, wow. Uh, Lois...did you ever think that the reason Superman is running away from you just might have something to do with that outfit you're wearing?? I mean, good golly...no wonder they want to kill you!!

In fairness, the outfit Lois wears inside the actual story isn't quite so hideous (not that that is saying much):

Don't let your guard down, troops: Lois has many more fashion flops that we'll be covering in future days. But this...this has got to be the worst, right?

Your bonus Superman panel of the day:

Superman with an eyepatch...there;s a concept I can get behind.

Lois' outfit, which resulted the addition of several articles to the Geneva Convention in order to ban torture by mod outfit, is from Lois Lane #120, 1972.

It's About Time Somebody Said It

Thank you, Warren Worthington III.

Panels of someone finally speaking the truth to naive super-brat Amadeus Cho appears in Incredible Hulk #111. Now if someone can explain to "Mastermind Excello" that you can't forcibly evacuate the biggest city in the country and destroy half of it without somebody dying, I'll be happy.

The Krusty Defense

From a letter in Superboy #183, 1972:

Talk about your great moments in buck passing!

Somehow, though, I suspect we're going to be hearing this an awful lot from DC writers/editors in a couple of years...

As Krusty said back in Season 1: "Don't blame me--I didn't do it!!"

Things That Make Me Smile--Karkan!!

I know that I've been a little bit cranky around here lately, so let's chill things out with some classic Silver Age silliness, shall we?

I mean, look at it--we've got Superbaby AND gorillas...this is like all my favorite DC hobbyhorses wrapped up into a big nerdgasm!!

Sadly, though, as per usual, the cover lies to us. Superbaby is NOT in this story, and at no point does he fight monkeys. Sigh. I demand my 20¢ back--with 35 years compound interest, of course.

What we do have, though, is what would have been sold to us as an Elseworlds story, had it come up 20 years later (now, of course, it's Earth-17.5). It's an imaginary story, wherein Kal-El spacecraft crashes in deepest Africa instead of Kansas. Whereupon Kal-El is raised by gorillas as one of their own. Yup, they're ripping off Tarzan, Krypton-style. Mommy ape names him Karkan, which was apparently just far enough away from Tarzan to avoid legal action by the Burroughs estate. We pick up the action when teenage Karkan discovers other..um...."hairless ones."

I won't go into great detail on this comic--if you've read or seen ANY version of Tarzan EVER, than you can write this story in your sleep, up to and including where Karkan fights wicked hunters and is eventually lured to join human civilization by the pretty white girl. Yawn...where's Bo Derek when you really need her??

Still, the issue is chock full of wondrous editorial notes, such as:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you just witnessed the invention of ape font. Still, I would have declared this the greatest comic of all time if they had had the cajones to actually do the whole story in ape language...Also:

See-far power?? It's a good thing he never describes his super-breath! Sigh...where's Grodd when you need him?

Anyway, I suppose I should just share the big payoff with you:







Mmmm, taste that derivative goodness. I warned you--not a shred of original thinking went into this issue. Still...Gorillas!! Superbaby!!! I'll probably get cranky again tomorrow, but for today, all is well in my world. Because Superbaby am king of the apes!!


Wasted potential to be the greatest story ever from Superboy #183, 1972. If only...If only...

Me Am Smart

Well, this surprises me....we'd better dumb this down real quick, huh?

Thanks to Dr. K for the tip.

Be Careful of Who Your Friends Are...

A word of warning to She-Hulk:


Jen, in the tenor of today's Marvel Universe (at least Bendis' portion of it), maybe, just maybe, you might want to be careful of who your bounty hunting partner is...or at least what species:

I can't imagine this would go over too well right now with your superhero buddies, given what's going on in New Avengers (but apparently nowhere else...)

Then again, in the Bendis books, they would spend 5 issues sitting around wondering whom they could trust, and never get around to actually doing anything to check if she was a Skrull, so you'd probably be all right.

And can I get some blogger help here? "Secret Invasion" is the stupidest title for a mega-crossover event ever. I move that whenever we refer to it (as we will have to), we all refer to instead as Skrullapalooza. All in favor?

Cover and panel from She-Hulk #23, where apparently World War Hulk hasn't happened yet, or happened awhile ago, and where Secret Invasion I mean Skrullapalooza isn't on the radar. Do Marvel writers even talk to each other anymore?

Friday Night Fights--Bibbo Style!!

My holiday gift to you, the readers: Bibbo, Superman's biggest fan, beating the snot out of the Joker:

What, you don't believe it? Well, let me follow it up with something even more awesome: Bibbo knocking the tar outta Doomsday:

Oh, man, you guys are sooo cynical.

Bahlactus punches out arch-villains EVERY DAY. In his sleep, fools.

Bibbo's...uhhh...hypothetical adventures are recounted in Showcase '96 #10.

Mystery of the Week

Why is it that Flash and family, as scripted by Mark Waid and appearing in The Brave and the Bold #8...

is soooo much better than Flash and family, as scripted by Mark Waid, in ANY issue of his latest run on Flash??

Just askin'...

DC's Latest Sales Ploy??

Is it just me, or does this cover of Ra's resemble Wolverine just a tad to much for comfort? I'm just sayin'...

The Lunatics In Charge of the Asylum...

...or, the murdering bastards becoming the superheroes.

According to Rich Johnston's Lying in the Gutters column at CBR, well, I'd just better let him say it:

I can now tell you that the new Batman will be designed by Alex Ross and will see Jason Todd under the cowl.

Poor Dick Grayson. Don't you hate it when someone junior to you is promoted above your head?

This is all part of a cross-continuity, longform story by Grant Morrison andin terms of structure bears similarity to his “New X-Men,” buton a far wider scale. It sounds rather good.

SOUNDS RATHER GOOD?!?!?

Now, assuming that's Rich's info is correct (and none of it has been officially confirmed yet, to my knowledge), it's unlikely that Bruce Wayne would remain "dead" for long, anymore than Superman or Captain America. It's going to be a sales-boosting publicity ploy, if it happens, and any quality of story that follows is purely coincidental.

No, the objectionable part--and it's taking all of my restraint not to vomit all over my keyboard as I write this--is that there is no way Jason Todd can become Batman. None.

Why? Let me be as succinct and rational on this issue as I am able:

JASON TODD IS A VICIOUS, MURDERING BASTARD, WHO HAS NEVER PAID A MOMENT'S PENALTY OR PENANCE FOR HIS CRIMES!!!!

Sorry, but I feel pretty strongly about this issue.

Now, yes, Jason had a hard knock life, was revived in a nauseatingly stupid manner, and felt upset and revengeful. But I'm sorry, that doesn't excuse his acts post-Resurrection. For example:

Now, even assuming the driver was a bona fide crook and not some patsy, killing someone for driving a truck? Or this:

No, they didn't survive those 1,001 bullets. And:

Strung up like butchered cattle, the blood draining out. And all those were from just 1 issue, from only 2 pages. Jason Todd is a murdering, savage beast, no better than the Joker.

Fortunately, Bruce Wayne caught him and brought him to justice...oh, wait, he didn't. Never. Instead, he just ran off for his year-long-post-Infinite-Crisis sabbatical, and then never lifted one gloved finger to bring justice to the man who murdered dozens of people in Gotham City.

But after Infinite Crisis and One Year Later, Jason Todd at least came to his senses, reformed, and repented, right?

Uhh...not so much.

So, after I post that under Dan DiDio, Bruce Wayne has completely disappeared from the Bat titles, we get news that Bruce will die and be replaced, and Batman will now be AN UNREPENTANT MASS MURDERER. Irony is a bitch.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't overreact like this. And there's a lot of information we don't have yet. But if this happens, if a PSYCHOTIC KILLER becomes Batman, I have to say I'll stop reading all the Bat titles.

It's your choice, DiDio. You can have heroes wear the masks, or just indulge your whims and give the jobs to your childhood "heroes," regardless of their fitness. You can take a stand and say that people have to pay a price for murder, or you can just give Jason the Cowl and pretend all the murders never happened.

You can say it doesn't matter, but it does matter to me and a lot of others, Dan DiDio. And if you make Batman into the Punisher, you show you have no conception of the character, and no business running a major comic book company. It's your choice.

Panels of Dan DiDio's choice to be Batman and represent justice come from Batman #646 and Nightwing #118. Less than two years ago, he was a murderer. Anyone at DC remember? Anyone?!?

A Butler Without Discretion??

We all are in agreement, I think, that everyone in the DC Universe is far, far too casual with their secret identities these days.

It occurs to me that, in part, this is somewhat a natural blowback against the Silver and Bronze Ages at DC, when fully 78.9% of all stories revolved around someone trying to discover the hero's identity, or the extraordinary lengths the hero would go to in order to protect that identity. Note this example, for instance, which was typical of the era. So today's crop of creators, who grew up reading that type of story, and no doubt ridiculing it, are loathe to go in that direction.

But they've gone too far in the opposite direction. Oracle actually has, on a networked computer, a file with the names and addresses of every superhero in the world (Tony Stark ought to hire her!!)! Every hero seems to know every other hero's street identity, and yet somehow, the villains never think to hire a telepath to surreptitiously rip that information out of some Teen Titan's head while they're distracted. And under current DC management, we've seen a distressing trend of heroes identifying each other by civilian name, while in costume and patrolling their cities, or at bachelor parties or whatever. Again, bad idea, because all we need is some mook with a telescopic microphone, and everyones name is all over the internet tomorrow.

But we can always depend on Alfred Pennysworth, the very model of discretion and service, not to make such an error, right?

Sigh...

All right, it was probably fair for Alfred to assume that all those ninjas came from either Talia or Ra's Al Ghul, both of whom already know the Bat identites. BUT there were others on the grounds, whose agenda and knowledge weren't clear. AND it's always possible that the ninjas were sent by someone else, as they were pursuing Damien, not going after Robin or Batman. So blurting out "Master Dick" while in public, while he's in costume, is a pretty big faux pas.

But, Alfred was undoubtedly in a state of shock, having just been thrown out a window by a thousand ninjas and all. We'll chalk it up to a momentary flub, and we're sure it will never happen again.

Oh, Alfred!!!

Alfred's attempt to get Nightwing's identity broadcast all over YouTube by noon tomorrow occurred in Nightwing #138. But, hey, it's a Ra's Al Ghul story, so 90% of it will get tossed out of continuity 5 seconds after Morrison leaves the title, so what the hey, right?

This One Is For The Ladies

As a public service announcement, I present to you a portion of an interview Gene Simmons, founding member of KISS, had today in the Washington Post (musta been a slow news day...).

The interview deals largely with Simmons' love of comics books, and Superman specifically. The interviewer is asking what Simmons' wife, Shannon Tweed, thinks of Superman:

Q:I'm wondering what she thinks of Superman.
A:Oh, women don't have a clue. They never did. It's biological. Our aspiration to be heroes, to physical greatness and ruling the world is something totally foreign to them.

So there you have it ladies: you're not cut out for this superhero stuff. And if you don't appreciate things like this...

...well, it's all biological. Let us men aspire to rule the world while you go blog about Little Lulu or something.

Gene Simmons, whose deep understanding of women's "biology" include authoring the songs Burn Bitch Burn, Love 'Em and Leave 'Em, Christine Sixteen, and Plaster Caster. Gene Simmons, who is so radical he let A& freakin' E do a reality show about his life. You go, Gene, you outlaw, you.

Full text on Simmons' enlightenment can be read here.

Monstrobot's previous encounter with Simmons' comic books can be found here.

Final Crisis Preview--Free Bruce Wayne!!

I started this post just to mock a silly story, but doing so made me realize something very important: I miss Bruce Wayne. Even when he is being silly.

We all have an awful lot of fun around here laughing at Silver Age silliness, but sometimes we neglect giving the Bronze Age it's proper due.

Case in point: Gotham's Great Kangaroo Race:

Now, this story wasn't published in the '50s. It wasn't published in the '60s. And it was barely published in the '70s: April/May 1979, to be specific.

This was a period of great flux for DC. Reeling from having followed "DC Explosion" almost immediately with the fabled DC Implosion, DC was still trying to find formats that would work artistically and financially. After cancelling 30 books, DC had a lot of material to use and a lot of creators to find work for. So, in one experiment, they opted to go "big" with Detective Comics. They made it bi-monthly; they made it 68 pages, with no ads; they made it a $1 cover price (versus the 40¢ smaller DC's and Marvel were charging); and the repurposed it as "Detective Comics starring the Batman Family." With 6 stories per issue, this allowed them to showcase some of the characters who had lost the series in the Implosion. Of course, one might ask why The Demon was seen as part of the Batman Family, but hey, let's not be picky.

But since this was a Batman book, and particularly since this issue was Detective Comics 40th anniversary issue, we had to have a second Batman story. And that story, by Denny O'Neil no less, involved kangaroo racing. Observe:

You know, this story made me realize one thing: I miss Bruce Wayne. Seriously, when was the last time we saw Bruce, even in a Batman book? I honestly can't remember, can you? I don't mean Bruce in costume with his hood off sitting in front of the computer in the Batcave. I mean an actual Bruce Wayne sighting. Maybe in the current grim and gritty DC universe, we don't have room for a frivolous playboy billionaire. But I say that's 100% wrong. Even if frivolous, this story (while silly), shows there's some usefulness in having Bruce Wayne around.

So anyway, Bruce is being eccentric and running kangaroo races in Gotham, with a $125,000 prize. Woo hoo!! Why? Well, in Batcave II (beneath the Wayne Foundation Building!!), Alfred tells Bruce that a big illegal firearm purchase is going down tomorrow night, for a price of $125,000!! Quite a coincidence--OR IS IT??

So let's get to the racing:

So, Harcourt Bane breaks the back of the competition (sorry), and collects the money. Is this part of Bruce's master plan?

Ahhhh...huh?

Ahhhh....wha?!?

So let's see if I understand this. Bruce knows an Australian dude is coming to Gotham to buy weapons. (Aside--given that Batman is the scourge of crime, why oh why do idiot criminals insist on continuing to do deals in Gotham City? Why not Boston, or Miami, or some city without crime-fighters running around? Just asking.) So Bruce, knowing Ginty/Bane had experience working with kangaroos, staged kangaroo races to entice him. And he makes the prize money EXACTLY the amount Ginty needed to buy the weapons.

Which means that Ginty came to Gotham WITHOUT THE MONEY to buy the weapons. He was relying on being able to find it, or steal it, or win it in a kangaroo race. Smart criminal, that Ginty.

Of course, Bruce's plan was 100% dependent on Ginty a) knowing about the kangaroo race b) deciding to enter it, and 3) winning it. What, he slipped a flier under his hotel room door? And if Ginty happened to lose, Bruce would have to give the money away to someone else, and we're back at square one, with Ginty needing to obtain it "with violence."

Anyhoo, Bruce's plan works, there's a tracer in the briefcase, and Batman finally appears on page 7 of an 8-page story to bust the bad guys. After punching out the supplier, Batman turns to Ginty:

Hmmm, it seems he wasn't all that likely to turn to violence now, was he? This does damage to Australia's tough self-image, methinks...

So, yeah, late Bronze Age stories could be really silly, too. But more important, look at what the story does give us:

• Bruce Wayne as a Gotham citizen, and how other Gothamites perceive him.


• Bruce Wayne using his $ to help fight crime, in a way besides buying lots of bat-toys


• Showing us Bruce Wayne as an actual character, not just a cipher wearing the cowl.

We don't need to give Bruce his own title (but would it hurt?). And the stories can be of better quality than, well, kangaroo races.

But think about it: we've seen more of Dick Grayson's personal life in recent years than Bruce Wayne. We've seen more of Tim Drake's personal life than Bruce Wayne's. And this is after Bruce ditched Gotham City for a year to "find himself." The saddest statement of all: in the past few years we've seen more of Matches Malone than of Bruce Wayne.

So please, DC, whatever the result of your Final Crisis, please free Bruce Wayne. I miss him.

SPECIAL BONUS PANEL: Steve Ditko drawing The Demon


Long lost Bruce Wayne is temporarily found in Detective Comics #483. Or, rather, Detective Comics Starring the Batman Family #483. With a title that long, it must be a Countdown tie-in!!

Friday Night Fights--Dynamite Duo Style!!

What's a nice way to spend a romantic Friday evening? Let's ask Dick and Babs:



And what to do after the fight? Presenting, via the next panel, Dick Grayson, Ladies' Man:

Oooh, sounds like cold shower time for Dick!!

Fortunately, I know someone who never needs a cold shower, because LL Cool B: Ladies love Cool Bahlactus!!

Acrobatic romance courtesy of Batman Family #5, 1976.

We Will Fight Them on the Beaches, We Will Fight Them on the Moon...?

There are many questions that have vexed historians throughout the years: What caused the fall of the Roman Empire? Why did the Black Plague end when it did? How would the world have been different if Napoleon had won at Waterloo?

There is one question, however, that has NEVER been adequately addressed, except once:

In case your brain didn't explode, let me blow that up for you a little bit:

Oh, my sweet heavens. This must be what it feels like to be a victim in Scanners. What, exactly, was Marvel thinking?

Oh, OK then, that explains it.

But it can't really explain anything, can it? How in the world do you justify this as a What If? Well, let's listen in as Uatu casually breaks his oath in order to entertain comic book readers:





Well, that's sorta plausible, but...I think there's a difference between a What If and an Elseworlds. An Elseworlds is (or rather was, until most of them were swept in the 52 multiverse...sigh) a fictional construct placing known characters in unknown environments. Hey, what if Bruce Wayne were born in the 1800's and fought Dracula? A What If is supposed to be an actual alternate universe, that differs in one key action from "our" universe: Spider-Man did join the Fantastic Four, or Rick Jones was exposed to the Gamma bomb and became the Hulk. It's still our universe, just changed in one specific event.

So how does having Sgt. Fury fighting WWII in outer space violate this? Because if Leonardo had changed the world so much, Sgt. Fury et al would never have been born!! Think about it: we're talking about a profound change in the history of the planet, centuries ago. Vastly increased travel and trade. People who wouldn't have met did, and people who did meet wouldn't. And even if, 400+ years later, somehow through all the ripples someone's parents, grandparents, great granparents, yada yada, still did meet, unless they...uhhh...expressed their love at the exact same time, different egg meets different sperm which equals different kid.

It's the same thing with the Star Trek episode Mirror, Mirror. Man, I love the episode and Spock's goatee, don't get me wrong. But any change profound enough to create an empire based on aggression and assassination operating for centuries would virtually ensure that none of crew were ever born. But to insist that they were born, AND all managed to survive long enough to end up serving on the same starship, AND that they would somehow manage to be at the exact same planet at the exact same time and send down exactly the same four crew members as our universe...that's not an alternate universe, that's a writers' conceit writ large. Which is fine, for an Elseworlds...but not a What If.

And who, pray tell, are Sarge Fury and the Howling Commandos (editors note: in space, no one can hear you howl) fighting in World War II in Outer Space? Why, the Betans, of course!:

Who? Well, apparently, this alternate universe, in addition to the different history of Earth itself, also is curiously lacking in Kree, Skrulls, Badoon, or other alien races we know about. Just humans and Betans. But of course, you know they're not the real villains:

See, you can't have World War II without Nazis, even if it is in space!

So even with a vastly altered Earth history:

• We still have Germany and America


• We still have the "great cause of Nazism," which was forged by a very specific set of historical circumstances


• We still have the same German ranks of nobility and the same people holding them


• Despite several centuries of advanced science, Strucker still has a scar and a monocle (not to mention Fury smoking...)

Oh, Gary Friedrich and Don Glut, what have you wrought? I won't even mention that they gave Fury an amusing robot sidekick...

BONUS PANEL OF GOODNESS AND JOY

Oh, Dugan, you're always a dum dum, no matter what the rest of the universe is like!!

Upon Further Review...Batman

After reading some of this week's DC books, I had to go back and look up something in Detective Comics #33:


Hmm, that's not how I remember it, but in light of this Ra's Al Ghul nonsense, I guess it makes sense. Let me check again:


Hmm, again not quite how I remember it...I must be getting old. Given Batman & the Outsiders #1, I'd better check again:

Obviously, my memory is playing tricks on me. I'd better concentrate and check one more time:

Ahhhh, there's the Goddamn Batman I know and love...

We Interrupt This Broadcast--

Can't post now. Busy playing...

The Oz Conspiracy

No, not the Pink Floyd one.

The Wizard of Oz was on TNT last weekend, and boy, does that always set the memories afloodin' back.

But when you watch it as an adult, especially an adult in the 21st century who has seen too many Oliver Stone movies, you see things in a...different...perspective. And you realize something very, very frightening.

(For the record, I'm referring to the movie only, not the books, plays, sequels, Wicked, or anything else...)

A lot of strange things happen in this film. And to understand what is going on, you have to follow the money. Or, since Oz seems to have no money, follow the power: who most benefits from the events that transpired?

We start with Dorothy's house accidentally falling on the Wicked Witch of the East (or was it an accident? More to follow...). Glinda the Witch of the North arrives. Let me note that Glinda NEVER identifies herself as a good witch. She dances around it, calling the other witches "wicked," and side-stepping Dorothy's question by saying "only bad witches are ugly," which is not the same as saying that ALL bad witches are ugly...

And Glinda proceeds to do NOTHING in the Munchkinland sequence except lie to Dorothy. Lie boldly, and lie often:

• She pretends not to know whether Dorothy is a witch, or where Kansas is. Yet at the end of the movie she reveals that she knew all along where Kansas is and how to get back there.



• Rather than let the Witch of the West claim her sister's ruby slippers, Glinda swipes them (grave robbing, Glinda? Really?). She gives them to Dorothy, putting the girl in grave peril, and then pretends not to know what they are. "Their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want them so badly." Again, Glinda reveals at the end that she knew exactly what the slippers can do. Note the sequence of events: Glinda points out the slippers to West Witch, swipes them, gives them to Dorothy, and then pretends not to know what they are. Smooth, Glinda...



• After putting Dorothy's life in danger (and blaming Dorothy for it!!), she tells her she'll have to get out of Oz to be able to sleep safely. She then completely and bald-facedly lies by saying that "the only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself."

So Glinda, acting quickly after Dortohy's arrival in Oz (unless she caused Dorothy's house to fall on the Witch...hmmm), has managed to make the Witch of the West Dorothy's mortal enemy, and sent her on a completely unnecessary and life-threatening quest.

Let's not forget the scene where, approaching Oz, the Western Witch puts the fellowship of the slippers asleep with poison poppies. Yeah, yeah, everyone makes the opium-heroin connection. But how does Glinda save them? With SNOW. Yup, it's a drug war, where cocaine overpowers heroin...

And at the end, after the West Witch is dead and the Wizard has left Oz forever, Glinda show up to save the day. Dorothy and her droogs are too distraught to notice that she completely contradicts everything she said earlier in the movie. "You always had the power to go back to Kansas." Then why didn't you tell her before?" "Because she wouldn't have believed me!"

WHAT?!?!?! That doesn't even pass the smell test, because Dorothy believed EVERY FRIGGIN" WORD YOU SAID back in Munchkinland!!!!!!!!!

By the way, note the uplifting lesson Glinda said Dorothy "had to learn for herself." Dorothy: "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." Yeah, Glinda, that's a fine message: no child should ever dream of moving away from home. Everything you want EVER is what 's already there. If you want more, you're an ungrateful brat. Depression-era Kansas is as good as your life is ever gonna get, kid.

So, why does Glinda unnecessarily prolong Dorothy's stay in Oz, with an insanely dangerous and pointless quest? Follow the power. Before Dorothy's arrival, it looks like we had an uneasy balance of power: The witches East and West against witch North and the Wizard. And after Dorothy leaves? The two Wicked witches are dead. The Wizard has left permanently. The Emerald City is being run by a brainless, heartless, and courage-less triumvirate who revere and worship Glinda.

Note the way everyone in the Emerald City immediately bows and grovels when Glinda arrives. Look how she basks in it. This is a moment she's dreamt of her entire life.

And thanks to Dorothy's little "accident" (prove to me Glinda didn't arrange it!), Glinda has now wiped out every other power in Oz. She rules completely. She is the ultimate power.

Yup, that bitch Glinda was behind the whole thing.... I bet her last name is Palpetine...

Coming soon: the true story of Hamlet...

What The #$%^--Supergirl

With the acknowledgement that I'm only judging on one issue, and the first part of a two-parter at that, I have some questions for Kelley Puckett and DC after the...odd...Supergirl #23:

1. What, no one thought to send an air tank along with Kara?


2. What, no Green Lantern could make you an air bubble, or even loan you a ring for a little bit, for this "critical" mission?


3. So, this alien ship can fly within 10 meters of a sun's corona? And not melt/burn/blow up/get sucked in?


4. The ship "produce(s) no emissions?" When we can see the contrails it leaves?!?!?


5. Since this ship has only been travelling for 2 hours at sub-light speeds, how come neither you nor Superman can track it with your telescopic vision? Or anybody with a telescope, for that matter (and if were moving at faster than light speeds, Kara can fly faster than light??)?


6. Why, exactly, did DC revive Supergirl when no one, and I mean no one, who has touched her since then has had the least clue what to do with her?


7. For this Tony Bedard was dumped??


8. Why do I start to type "Kirby Puckett" every time I try to type Kelley Puckett's name?

One of the more baffling mainstream comics I've read in quite awhile...

Friday Night Fights--Ever Lovin' Blue-Eyed Style

Let's say you're Ben Grimm. And let's further stipulate that you're being bothered by an annoying Johnny Storm:

What do you do?


Yup--SUCKA PUNCH!!!! Now THAT'S clobberin' time!!

It takes a nation of Bahlactus to hold us down.

Bashful Benjy's bitch-slap comes from the thoroughly unnecessary yet entertaining Mythos: Fantastic Four #1. Please, Marvel, retell the origin (and make us pay for it) again and again...

Kontinuity Kop--Mea Culpa

I'm man enough to admit that what I wrote in this post is apparently wrong. New Avengers: Illuminati #5 blows it up good. Gotta admit, I didn't see that one coming. You have to wonder what his wife thinks...


There are a couple of caveats, however.

#1, Wolverine et al didn't know any of this back in New Avengers #32...they (should have) still believed that Skrulls couldn't mimic powers.

#2, Bendis is telling us that these Skrulls got their powers and undetectability thanks to Skrull experiments on captured Illuminati back in New Avengers: Illuminati #1..and since that issue took place not long after the Kree-Skrull war, it is interesting that none of these new abilities were on display during the approximately 5,834 encounters since then between Earth heroes and Skrulls that took place since then. It is also interesting that the experimental information was not destroyed or lost during the destruction of 2 separate Skrull throneworlds and the Skrull empire being laid waste by the Annihilation Wave...

Still, it's clearly possible, so Kontinuity Kop apologizes. But I'll still be watching...and I hope that Bendis remembers to acknowledge that there's currently a Skrull civil war going on, with no consensus on whom should be Emperor, and you'd think an operation this big would need official sanction, or guidance, or approval.

Oh, and I should mention that Star Trek: Deep Space Nine already did this war with the shape shifters storyline, and the Federation being infiltrated by them, yada yada. You have a high bar set for yourselves, gentleman. Knotinuity Kop shall be watching.

PS Shouldn't Reed have still wanted to dissect and study the Skrullektra corpse, instead of just walking away a paranoid scaredy-cat? Man, Marvel writers have been making Reed Richards STUPID lately. Perhaps they should stop...

The Punic Wars, Part II

Remember how Rome not only destroyed Carthage, but also salted the earth so nothing would grow*, and then later founded their own Roman colony there?

That's sort of like what's happened to Tony Bedard's DC books, especially Batman and the Outsiders.

So, how is that 2 year exclusive contract working out for you, Tony?

*Yes, I know that "salting the earth" story is almost certainly untrue. Don't stop me when I'm on a roll!

Meet The New Gods--Same As The Old Gods??

Since everyone else is weighing in on the Death of the New Gods (DONG...huh huh, huhh huhh), I guess it's time I threw my two cents into the ring.

In the interests of full disclosure, let me state right up front that I'm no fan of the New Gods. I've always found Jack Kirby's DC work, while visually arresting, to be boring and flat. The characters are, at best, one-note two-dimensional archetypes, with little personality, who never seem to do anything remotely interesting.

Before the deluge of comments calling me an idiot starts, let me loudly acknowledge that I'm only stating my personal opinion, and that I freely admit that many many people out there love the Fourth World. Then again, there have never been enough who've loved them to actually support any series featuring them, so maybe I'm more representative of the majority than I think.

Also, before you deluge me with examples of various New Gods stories that were thrilling and great, let me say, don't bring up Cosmic Odyssey, because DC did its level best to pretend that it never happened, and most of the good parts involved the "regular" DC universe characters, not the New Gods. And none of the New Gods stories I have read, no matter the creator, have ever spurred me to pick up another.

As to the future, we're all just speculating now. No one knows what is going to happen as a result of DONG and Final Crisis. Dan DiDio revealed last week that the Fourth World is indeed ending and we will be getting the Fifth World. This is hardly a new idea. Grant Morrison was hinting at that way back in his JLA run (you remember, the one where Orion and Barda were members and didn't actually do anything...) . And Jack Kirby himself said that the whole New God/4th World was part of a continuing cycle of destruction and rebirth. Himon et al arose from the Ragnarokian ashes of the Old Gods. So it seems odd to me to decry the "destruction of Kirby's characters" when he himself based them on a cycle of rebirth and destruction.

That being said, the question is over exactly WHAT is being done with the NG. Some suggest that they won't really die, that DC will revive them when copyright time rears its head. Perhaps--although, seriously, aside from Darkseid and Mister Miracle, who among the New Gods has any merchandising potential? The general public's awareness of ANY of the New Gods, even those two, is zero. And frankly, killing them and then resurrecting the same gods as part of Fifth World goes more counter to Kirby's conception of their universe than killing them.

Some have suggested that the current crop of DC elder heroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al) will be elevated into New Goodhood, with the youngsters now taking the limelight in the DC universe. That may tie in with the rumor of Bruce Wayne's forthcoming death.

But it's all so much woolgathering until we get some more information. So instead of speculating, let me offer some suggestions as to what the Fifth World should be like, with the understanding that they come from someone who wasn't enamored of the Fourth.

1) No Mother Box!!! PING PING Lordy, I hate this never-ending deus ex machina. PING PING. The idea of a "living computer" PING PING that is "linked to the Source" PING PING isn't necessarily a bad idea, but as used, it was noting but an ongoing plot cheat by lazy writers. Here's a partial list of Mother Box's abilities. PING PING. You might as well give each of your characters a Cosmic Cube. PING PING. And then cross it with R2-D2 for those riveting conversations the audience can only understand one side of. PING PING. If a New God is really a god, he shouldn't need this magic wand. Which leads me to...

2) Make them Gods. Why, exactly, are they gods? I ask this not just as part of some semantic quibble, but for a serious purpose. What is their role in the DC universe??

They don't seem to have worshippers (unless you count the Foragers). They don't seem to have godly duties, like Asgardians. So, what is it, then, that makes them gods?

They don't seem more appreciably powerful than, say, the Oans. Or even the Monitors, for heaven's sake. Superman can go toe-to-toe with them, even Darkseid, and he's no god. They depend on technological marvels like Mother Boxes for many of their greatest feats.

For once, I'm not being snarky. But if we're going to continue these characters or concepts, one thing they really have to deal with is, what does it mean to be a "god" in the DC universe? What is their purpose, what are their responsibilities, what is their position in the balance of power in the universe? I don't think anyone who's handled them, even Kirby, has bothered to do anything more than assert their godhood, with zero examination of the meaning or implications of that title. If we want the Fifth World to work in a 21st Century comic book universe, we need something more than "they're really old and kinda powerful."

3) GIVE THEM BETTER FREAKIN' NAMES. Whatever you think of Kirby's work, naming characters wasn't one of them. Beating the reader of the head with punny "allusions" was, though. Darkseid...get it, Luke? Get it? Apokolips...see, it's evil!! See, he's named Desaad, and he likes to torture people!! Hey, she's called Stompa, and she stomps her foot!! And don't get me started with Virman Vundabar...fix this, DC.

4) ENOUGH WITH THE DARKSEID ALREADY. It's probably way too late for this suggestion. Is it possible for DC writers to make it through an epic storyline without making Darkseid the mastermind? Does EVERY arc in Superman/Batman have to feature Darkseid's villainy? It was cute when he only appeared once in awhile, like in the Legion or JLA. But now he's everywhere, and I, for one, am sick of him. When Darkseid appears more often than the Joker, you know you've got a problem.

It's devalued him tremendously. I mean, we've gone from requiring the ENTIRE Legion of Super-Heroes, or the combined forces of the JLA/JSA/New Gods to (barely) stop him; these days he's rather easily thwarted (or at least stalemated) by pretty much anyone. Next week: Blue Beetle throws a monkey wrench into Darkseid's plans.

Worst of all, no one ever does anything all that interesting with him. He's always manipulating, always seeking some piece of the latest conception of the "anti-life equation," whatever the hell that is. No new goals, no new companions, no new methods. Just a jaunty "you may have won today, but soon you and the rest of the universe shall pay" as he fades away.

I know they'll never actually get rid of him, because DC writers need the crutch. But could we at least ease off the use of him? Let's make it an event again, something to fear, something special, not just an easy answer to "whose a big villain we can use in this fill-in arc??"

Hmmm, for a concept I've never really cared for, I've sure ranted on awhile, haven't I? OK, bedtime.

Faster, Loiscat--Kill! KILL!!

Lois Lane--you've just won the Pulitzer Prize!! What are you going to do now?

Hmm, that's not quite the response we were looking for. How about this:

Lois Lane--have you heard the rumor that DC is going to kill off Batman? What's your reaction?

OK, obviously you're a bit confused. Let's try an easy one:

Lois Lane--what are you going to do to help stop global warming??

All right, that doesn't even make sense. I'll give you a couple of more chances.

Lois Lane--if the entire Daily Planet staff were trapped in the Andes, and you had to choose someone to eat so the rest might survive, who would that be?

Hmmm, I would have thought Jimmy Olsen. All right, one more time:

Lois Lane--what do you think about Clark Kent's stint on Dancing with the Stars?


Oh, c'mon, Lois, he wasn't that bad...

Lois' mesmerized killer routine comes from Superman Family #184, 1977. Remember, kids, any guru who sets up shop in Metropolis is really a vile criminal. So tune out and drop in, and obey authority!

Earth-8 is Marvel-ous

From the first few pages of Countdown Presents: Lord Havok and the Extremists #1 (please, DC, makes these titles longer. Please!), giving us the historical background of Earth-8:

The frightening disregard for our fellow man...all of it was our doing...and all of it need to be stopped.
And so it would be...if one was to believe the campaign promises of the first metahuman presidential ticket.
As it turned out, the public did believe. They believed enough to grant Tin Man a historic landslide victory...
They even believed enough to support the passing of the Metahuman Act. An act which stated that metahumans would now have to be legalized by their government. And, if legalized, would operate as one unifying force...the Meta Militia.
Of course, what the act didn't state was what would happen to those who failed to comply...Arrests. Concentration camps. ..and often death.

Hmm, that all sounds kinda familiar...let's see, a "Tin Man" spearheads the passage of a "Legalization" act that makes all metahumans work for the government, and any who disagree are arrested. Hmmm, that Tin Man show some initiative there, huh?

Does this mean that Lord Havok=Captain America? And can we expect a Marvel to launch a revenge mini-series soon that mocks a universe where every week, long bouts of nothing occur? Glass houses, DC, glass houses...

Free Advice For Joe Quesada

Maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't be months behind schedule in drawing "One More Day" if, just maybe, you didn't insist on drawing every molocule of every strand of webbing. Not to mention the 7 times it's wrapped around his left hand, the 4 times it loops around his right, etc. It adds soooo much to the story, after all...



Just a thought.

Amazingly detailed, and therefore incredibly late double-super splash is from Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #24. Don't expect the next chapter anytime soon...

Friday Night Fights--Super-Cat Style!!

No, not Streaky...man, this one is gonna be hard to explain.

Catwoman has hypnotized Lois Lane into believing that she (Lois) is actually Catwoman, in a particularly inane plot to steal all of the Penguin's loot (don't ask). Lois manages to break the hypnotic spell, but pretends that she still believes herself to be Catwoman, so she can penetrate Catwoman's lair and "capture" her gang.

Meanwhile, the real Catwoman has captured Superman (don't ask) and used "Circe's wand" (don't ask) to transform Superman into a "super-cat." Really.

So now Lois, still dressed as Catwoman, is investigating the Cat-acombs (hey, I didn't write it!), and is menaced by a "cageful of weird giant cats, which (the real Catwoman) bred experimentally. Each one is as savage as a dozen tigers!"

How can Lois be saved?


SUPER-CAT SUCKA PUNCH!!!

Bonus somewhat disturbing panel:


Eeew.
Bonus panel stolen from my dreams:


This is definitely one odd issue. Don't get me started on how Super-Cat has to obey orders given to him in rhyme...But Bahlactus has a five-year mission: to seek out and explore new SUCKA PUNCHES. And of course we obey!!

Really bizarre stuff comes from Lois Lane #70, 1966. I suspect I'll be covering this whole issue, and part 2 in the following issue, because dammit, it's a dirty job, but someone has gotta do it!!

Slay Monstrobot's 100th Post Super Spectacular

Apologies to Dr. K for the post title.

In celebration of my 100th post, I thought I'd share with you, the reader, some of the highlights of this blog's most excellent history. Sadly, various moves and server crashes over the decades have wiped out some of the original posts, so I can't link directly to them, but I do have many of them saved on my hard drive. So let's revisit history, shall we?

One of my very first posts was back in November of 1939...let's see how accurate I was in hindsight:


Oh, just wonderful. This scene, from the just published Detective Comics #33, has completely ruined the character of Batman for me. We had the perfect hero, an avenger of the night, a dark force to take on evil. And now they had to go and give him an origin (why??)--and they made him a whiny scared little boy!! Way to go, DC publications!! Now, whenever I see the Caped Crusader, I'll just be thinking of a scared little boy! I'm certain you've turned off a majority of your readers with this little stunt to "humanize" your hero. Bah!!

Well, maybe I'm being just a little bit harsh. It's not as if they suddenly had you adopt some orphan and make him a junior crime-fighter, after all....

Hmmm, maybe I wasn't so accurate with that one...let's jump forward a few years, to November 1961, and my take on a newcomer to the comics field:


OK, I'm not sure what I just read here. Apparently, monster comic publisher Timely wants to join the big leagues. Well, they're clearly not ready.

I mean, look at this mess!! They have a superhero "team"...and no costumes? They fight with each other all the time? The girl--who is certainly no Wonder Woman!!--has the power to turn invisible?!?! Ooh, scary. The big dumb guy--he was a test pilot?? Really??--is made out of rocks and keeps trying to beat up his best friend? The "Human Torch" is a rip-off off the greatest character ever, who fought the Nazis and flew to Jupiter and back once...they stole his name and powers and gave them to a Snapper Carr clone, for heaven's sake!!

And--get this--they try to make the villain seem sympathetic!! Hello, he's a villain!! He's evil!! Who needs to give him "motivation"--what is this, "Method comic writing?" How they snuck this by the Comic Code I'll never understand.

As loathe as I am to be negative, or leap to snap judgements, but I think I can safely say we've seen enough. I'd advise all my readers not to invest their hard-earned dimes on this thing, as it will never be valuable. If this is the best this "Stan Lee" and "Jack Kirby" have to offer, than it's obvious that DC will continue to dominate the Silver Age market. Go back to Groot and Fin Fang Foom, Timely!!

I think history has proven me right on that one...Let's leap forward a couple of more years, to April 1964. This post provoked a minor firestorm on the Internet...


You know, you really have to give "Marvel" some credit for trying new things, but sometimes that credit isn't enough to overcome a real piece of dreck. Like the cover above.

Now, is that, or is that not, the worst cover of all time? I mean really. I'm sure my friend Mark at Comic Coverage will be featuring it soon on his blog. It really is just terrible. Only a blind man could have drawn something so hideous...

Not as terrible as the hero's costume, though. Sheesh. How much uglier can it be? Answer: not much.

It's like Marvel doesn't get it--you only have 1 shot at a first issue!! It's not like you can later give the character a new costume, or restart the series with a new issue #1!! These things are locked in stone, and now you're stuck with a dumb character in a hideous costume with a terrible cover.

Did I say dumb character? C'mon, Stan Lee--everybody knows a blind person can't be a superhero. Why not? BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. Duh. What next, you'll get him a super-powered guide dog? Team him with Helen Keller?

Here's how lame the "hero" is. This is who he fights the first issue:


Oooh, good job, blind hero!! Way to take down that "beefy, overweight" guy--they had to give you a villain who couldn't even run away from you without having a freakin' heart attack!! Then again, who else could a blind person catch? What's next--having him hunt down cripples and mental defectives??

I never thought I'd say this--but I guarantee you that Ant-Man will have a longer career than Daredevil!!

OK, you've got to admit, I was right about the cover and the costume, eh?

Well, I'll save more flashbacks for future anniversary posts. I'll just leave you a couple of links to surviving blog entries:

*The funniest joke I ever did, even though no one laughed.

*The best panel ever, featuring the most grievous misuse of Jimmy Olsen's signal watch EVER.

*The BEST response in a letter column EVER.

*The sexiest picture of Superman, ever.

So one and all, thank you for your support, and I'll try to be entertaining and opinionated and annoying for a few hundred posts more. Goodnight, everybody!!