Worst. Comic. Book. Ever.

In case you can't tell from the craptacular cover, I'm referring to Countdown #26. Oh, wait, sorry, Countdown to Final Crisis #26.

OK, maybe not the worst ever. But as hard as it might be to believe, as bad as Countdown has been, this issue not only lowers the bar, it plunges it beneath the Earth to new depths of awfulness. Seriously, this book damned near made me kill myself to prevent me from writing this, so that many fewer people would be exposed to it.

Where to start, where to start?? How about this: given the re-titling, you would think that this would be the perfect place to try and drag new readers into it, and to refocus the stories. And the story sort of tries, but fails so miserably on every level that it makes Civil War look like a work of art.

What are it's failings?

A) 17 of the 22 pages--yes, 17--are Monitors standing around talking to each other (or rather, mostly one Monitor lecturing the 50 others). And given that only 2 Monitors have been given any personality whatsoever ("Bob" and "Asshole"), and Bob's not even there, you can imagine how riveting any of their debates are. B-O-R-I-N-G. Worse then boring--didactic and tedious.

Even worse, this debate/lecture is meant to try and unify the diverse storylines Countdown has been presenting for the past half year. And in the greatest example of "tell, rather than show" since Brad Meltzer's JLA run, we see screens in the background portraying the action while Monitor "Asshole" narrates and explicates their importance. It's an exposition dump!! 26 issues worth of exposition dump!! Huzzah, that really makes me want to follow this more!

B) Despite purporting to unify the storylines we've been seen, and asserting that they're all "being orchestrated by a single will," they completely ignore several of the storylines. No mention whatsoever is made of the Piper/Trickster arc or the Holly/Amazons arc. None. Not a syllable. So are we to supposed to assume that those arcs AREN'T part of our mysterious adversary's master plan? Have we been wasting our time following these stories (not that Trickster's constant homophobic jokes while the pair ping-pong from stupid slapstick encounter with powerful person to stupid slapstick encounter with powerful person needs justification)? Or, did we just run out of room to talk about them? Maybe you shouldn't have made 3 of those 17 pages splashes, huh?

Plus, the Mary Marvel/Eclipso arc gets exactly 1 sentence. Maybe the writers are as bored with it already as we are.

C) Sometimes, it seems like Dini et al have these wonderful story conferences where they work everything out, but they kind of forget that we weren't there, so they never actually explain it to us. Such as, twice in this issue, Asshole refers to our beloved Challengers of the Unknown as "space-time anomalies." Now, I've questioned this before--there's no conceivable way you can say Kyle Rayner is somehow a space-time anomaly, and the case is pretty week for Jason Todd and Donna Troy. Yet, Dini keeps running this out there again and again and again, without even an attempt to explain it.

Such as, Asshole describes Monarch's plan as, "He deliberately seeks to upset the balance, to destabilize the multiverse by staging a war across the 52 realities...resulting in a crisis that will, as has happened in the past, reducing the multiverse to one unified reality. A reality he intends to rule as absolute Monarch." See, this is great storytelling. Why bother to actually show us ANY of this, ANYWHERE, when you can just tell us? A major hero in the DC universe has gone evil and has an insane master plan? Why bother to show our readers, or give any characterization to justify this, when we can just have an exposition dump??

I could go on...but this issue made me feel like this:


One Countdown I do approve of is the countdown to my 100th post--coming Thursday night(ish), I promise it won't involve Pied Piper or the Trickster at all. Really. No promises about Karate Kid, though.

A Dog's Life?

A note on the "new direction" in She-Hulk that started last week:

A bounty hunter? That's your new direction, Peter David? Aren't bounty hunters sooo three years ago? Dog and Domino--you don't hear a lot of people talking about them any more, do you? Oh, yeah, there was a Law & Order episode--8 years ago.

Besides, in the current Marvel universe, doesn't hunting down hiding super-villains fall more under the purview of the Initiative, or the Thunderbolts, or Heroes for Hire? It seems likes half the Marvel teams are now in the business of hunting down unregistered hiding villains, and I don't see what She-Hulk (and partner?) bring to the table that those others don't. Was the Minnesota Initiative so busy that they couldn't be bothered with this? And Tony Stark is allowing you to do this?

(Which brings me to a snotty aside: since one of the big deals about the *ahem* ending of Civil War was the 50 State Initiative, where every state had its own superhero team...where are they? Aside from the Champions I mean Order, have we seen any of them? Anywhere? Hello? Can we please see some stories on the Rhode Island Initiative?)

Anyway, I'll grant that we don't know the full background of Jen's new life yet, so future revelations may make more sense. The jury is definitely still out. And David's first issue was certainly well-executed and readable. It's not like I'm dropping the book or anything.

But a bounty hunter? That's almost as innovative as having her be on a reality show, or working as a bodyguard for a boy band. It's 2007, nearly 2008, Peter. Let's not make our "new direction" yesterday's hip trend, OK?

I'm trying to think up a lame transition from this to plugging my upcoming 100th post, but I can't really come up with one. Just be around Thursday(ish). I promise not to mention Civil War or Countdown. Really. Meanwhile, the cover was from She-Hulk #22.

Things That Make me Smile: "Help Me, Readers!"

There was a period, in the late '60's and early '70's, when it became acceptable, and nearly even common, for DC heroes to break the Fourth Wall on their covers. Take, for example, Flash #222:


It seems incredibly cheesy by today's standards, doesn't it? It's hard to imagine one of today's DC comics doing this (unless it was Grant Morrison doing a pastiche...).

Still, it does make a sort of sense. Since comics readership skewed younger in those days, it made sense to try and draw in readers by making them feel involved. And you've got to admit, it is a catchy and involving cover.

DC even went so far as to say that "our" world was part of their multiverse. The "real" world, where super-heroes were only comic book characters, was "Earth-Prime," an actual DC universe just like Earth-2 or Earth-S. DC characters in this period popped up on Earth-Prime, and Earth-Prime charatcers, especially comic book writers, turned up on Earth-1, usually in comics written by Cary Bates. And lo and behold, this issue of Flash is indeed written by Mr. Bates. What a surprise! With such crossovers going on, it's not completely insane to think that we poor Earth-Prime inhabitants could help out our heroes...just like the audience bringing Tinkerbell back to life by clapping!!

OK, it is completely insane. But that's all right, because the "help me, readers" scenes portrayed on the covers invariably NEVER appeared on the inside. Nothing even close. Just good old late Silver Age/early Bronze age DC bait and switch.

If my collection were more organized, or if I were as industrious as Mark, I'd run you a whole series of these covers, with DC heroes begging for help from their readers. Because I love them to death! But I'm lazy, so i'll just have to hold out hope that DC comes to their senses and starts having their heroes break the Fourth Wall again.

SPOILER ALERT: Flash doesn't kill us all. It's all a plot by Sinestro. And of course, the cover is a lie, because Green Lantern doesn't ask for help, he doesn't need extra willpower, and he never zaps an attacking Flash. That's another good point about these covers: they were usually far, far better than the stories they were pimping for.

Readers, help me!! I need all your willpower to help me prepare for my 100th post, coming soon!! Focus all your thoughts on me!!

Superman--World's Biggest Cheater and Wussy

OK, too harsh, perhaps? Just wait and see. Travel back with me to the halcyon days of 1965, and "Superman's Day of Truth".

Something strange is afoot: Superman insults a bunch of toddlers, and Supergirl rips the living hell out of her cosplay fan club:




But there is a reason!


"No matter what the consequences!" Let's remember that, shall we? I promise we'll come back to it.

Anyway, we see our "hero" insult Jimmy (his girlfriend is a "two-timing phony"), Professor Potter ("As usual your invention is a miserable flop"), and Perry White (his cigar smells like a "city dump"), all in the name of "honesty."

Then, in one of those coincidences that could only happen in Silver Age DC, some criminal defense attorney comes up with the bright idea to try to shake up Superman's testimony against his client, on the day when Superman has to tell the truth. Of course, this has never come up before or since, so maybe Metropolis has the dimmest attorney's in the land. Anyhoo:




Uh, Lois, wouldn't the fact that he is under oath be sufficient reason for Kal-El to be "compelled to tell the truth?" One would hope he's not in the habit of lying, especially when a man's freedom is at stake. Then again, apparently, none of the 56,789 thugs captured by Superman has ever had a lawyer clever enough to concoct these scheme before...How will Superman solve this dilemma?? After all, he must tell the truth, "no matter what the consequences," right?


Hmm, I guess Metropolis' judges are also deficient, for letting witnesses get away with this kind of crap. And since the Man of Steel didn't actually reveal his secret identity, that hardly seems like being honest "no matter what the consequences." But wait...Liar, Liar the Prequel isn't done yet!!


Ooh, way to avoid any emotional commitment, Clark!!

But it's finally time for the big reveal. Superman and Supergirl shrink on down to Kandor for an annual Kryptonian festival (again, never seen before or after):


It turns out, you see, that eons ago Krypton was enslaved by the vole-like Vrangs, until one day:




And as a result of Val-Lor's honesty, the Kryptonians rebelled, and drove off the verminous Vrangs. And now ever year, all Kryptonians pay homage:


Uhhh...nothing but the truth?!? Superman, you got some 'splainin' to do!!


OOOOOOOO...Kayyyyyy. So how, exactly, Kal-El, do you reconcile "no matter what the cost" with "using my superpowers to prevent giving away any really vital secrets?" Doesn't that mean that cost does matter? Do you understand the meaning of what you're supposed to be celebrating?

And let's discuss how you're "honoring" Val-Lor today, shall we? This Kryptonian hero, with no superpowers, was willing to give his life to speak the truth. You? You weren't willing to tell the truth to Lois or Lana about how your emotions. Oh, yeah, that must be one of those "vital secrets" you were rambling about.

That's how Superman "honors" Val-Lor: he insults his friends but selfishly uses tricks to prevent telling the truth about anything important to himself. Because I'm sure that Val-Lor would have used superbreath or something to cover up saying what got him shot. Yup, you're a real hero, son of Jor-El. Real sacrifices there.

Yeah, I'm being too hard on him. I mean, this really isn't any different than any one of 3 billion humans who give lip service to some religious/memorial observance and don't really follow the spirit of it. But we expect more from Superman, don't we? And why is he so anal about being truthful only when it can hurt his friends, not when it could hurt him?

Because Silver Age Superman is a douche bag.

Special note to all readers: my 100th post is coming up. Prepare yourselves!!

Superman's selfish version of honesty can be seen in Superman #176, 1965, following the "Revenge of the Super-Pets" story.

What the #$%^??--Dakota North

From this week's Daredevil #101

OK, let's see if I've got this right--Dakota North, hard-bitten, rough and tumble PI, thinks it is inappropriate to raise your voice "to a lady?"

I doubt Sam Spade--or even Jim Rockford--ever called their clients a child for yelling at them. And I'm damn sure they never played the gender card.

Seriously, Matt Murdock didn't even use profanity, he just yelled. But apparently Dakota North is so offended by the notion that someone is speaking sharply to her that she goes all demure Southern belle on him. Who knows what other rules she might have for how to treat a lady? "How dare you pull a gun on me, Larry Cranston--do you remember that you're talking to a lady?"

Ed Brubaker, I really expected a lot better from you.

Friday Night Fights--Cassandra Cain Style!!

"So, Daddy, do you wanna tell me who my mother is?"

SUCKA PUNCH!!!

Still not talking?"

SUCKA PUNCH AGAIN!!!

What follows is one of the great 2+ page beatdowns of all time. Sure, he wasn't resisting, but still...





And then they turned her evil, but wait, she wasn't really evil, she was just injected with Deathstroke juice, and...sigh....

For those about to rock, Bahlactus salutes you!!

Batgirl whooping on Daddy Dearest is courtesy of Batgirl #65, which of course occurred before they screwed the character into the ground. Why? Just because, apparently...

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends

*sigh*

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The 3rd (and sadly) final season of Veronica Mars is now out on DVD. And let me tell you, it is one fine package. Unlike the previous season sets, which were pretty sparse on extras, this one is jam-packed, including several hours worth of series creator Rob Thomas commenting on aspects both of season 3 and the entire series.

But the true unexpected gem is the "presentation" they put together to try and sell the CW on a 4th season of Veronica Mars. The premise the network wanted was to leap forward 4 years in time (ha! No piddly One Year Later here) to her first year in the FBI--new surroundings, new cast, same Veronica. And the creators put together a little mini 12-minute pilot episode to show what the show would look like in such a situation. A new unseen Veronica Mars episode!!! The best of times.

Alas, the CW pulled the plug, so despite the surprise new VM mini-episode, it is the worst of times. Veronica Mars was my favorite new network show in many many years. A lot of people (myself included) ignored its "high school noir" premise intitally; but several people whose opinions I really respect forced me to watch season 1 in summer re-runs. Hooked.

Good mysteries, smart characters, wonderful actors, a swell supporting cast, a heroine who is real--not perfect...This show was Good with a capital G.

So here's what I want you all to do out there in Reader land. Treat yourselves. Go rent season 1 of Veronica Mars from Netflix or your local video store. Buy a used copy, or heck, splurge and buy a new one...you can probably find it for $25-30 bucks somewhere.

Here's my guarantee to you. You will like this show. I promise. By the time you get to the episode "An Ecchols Family Christmas" you will be hooked. You will find "Leave It to Beaver" the most satisfying season finale of any show you have ever seen.

Last Christmas I gave some friends season 1 as a gift, and told them they had to watch this show. As soon as they finished the finale, they had to leave the house to immediately buy season 2. So trust me on this.

Long live Veronica Mars!!

One More Day? Two More Months

Well, another event is delayed. Marvel's announced that chapter 3, which was due next week, has been delayed until 11/28, whereas chapter won't be out until after Christmas, 12/27. No word is given on new dates for the post-OMD 3-times-a -month Amazing Spider-Man, but obviously it will be delayed, as the first 3 issues were due 12/5, 12/12, and 12/19

It's too bad that Marvel's editors can't find an artist who can meet a deadline...oh, wait, never mind.

Seriously, with an event this gargantuan (in Spider-Man terms, at least, which makes it gargantuan in Marvel terms), I find it inconceivable they could allow it to run this far behind. Once it became apparent that Joe Quesada couldn't meet the monthly schedule, why not have some hot young artist leap in to help out, with half an issue here or there? Obviously, Marvel's not alone in this regard, as DC has been delaying books, and preempting storylines, right left and center of late. But given the prominence and publicity of this story, you'd think Marvel would have done everything possible to get it out on time. Guess not.

Meanwhile, check out this poster:Man I REALLY hope it's Valkyrie...

With Great Power Comes...Hey, Wait, I'm Not Responsible!!

As we approach the DVD release, let's have a brief discussion one of the reasons why I found Spider-Man 3 so less-than-compelling. If you haven't seen it and you don't want spoilers, scroll down and read about Gabby Hayes.

Of course, one of the enduring cornerstones of the Spider-Man mythos--hell, THE cornerstone--is how Peter Parker's guilt is the foundation of his sense of responsibility. If he had stopped that thief, he wouldn't have gone on to kill Uncle Ben. The consequences of not acting, when you could have, are that people could die. Yeah, it's been riffed a million times, but with great power comes great responsibility. And no where has that ever been better demonstrated than Amazing Fantasy #15 and the subsequent Spider-Man title.

And the Raimi movies, at least the first two, understood that...that Parker was consumed by guilt and unable to give up his life as Spider-Man, because not helping meant people getting hurt and dying.


But Spider-Man 3 needlessly and gratuitously changed all of that. In what felt incredibly tacked on and contradictory to the 1st movie, we found out that it WASN'T the thief that Parker could have stopped who shot Uncle Ben. Nope, it was his partner, waiting outside, who decided to jack Uncle Ben's car, and shot him while waiting for his partner to come out with the loot. And who just happened to be Flint Marko, who would become the Sandman.

You see what this means, of course: even if Peter had stopped the thief, Uncle Ben would have died ANYWAY. In the movie universe, Peter Parker is not at all responsible for Uncle Ben's death.

Now, you'd think that in a character who raison d'etre is to be consumed by his guilt, that this revelation might have SOME impact on Peter Parker. Some expression of relief, amazement, anything. Maybe some self-examination of why he became and was staying Spider-Man. Even one bloody sentence on the lines of "Hey, I didn't get my uncle killed!"

But not in this movie. Nope. Parker (and the script) are so un-self-aware that the obvious, necessary emotional reaction is never even hinted at. Instead, they've transmuted Spider-Man's origin into Batman's, and his raison d'etre becomes revenge, and all he can think of is to hunt down Joe Chill--oops, I mean Flint Marko. All of Peter Parker's angst from the 1st two movies is rendered irrelevant and is completely ignored.

Of course, the whole issue is handled clumsily and in a ridiculously ad hoc fashion. What, pray tell, is the new information that suddenly informed the police that Marko was the real killer, years later? Why does it come to light only, in an incredible coincidence, as Marko escapes? And don't get me started on the risible ending to this plotline.

But even if it had been handled brilliantly, what's the point? Why negate a fundamental part of Spider-Man's being--just to make Sandman more interesting? (SPOILER ALERT--the effort failed). Why completely alter Parker's moral universe, and then fail to even freakin' mention it?

It was a dumb move. It was an attempt to make the hero fit the villain and plot, and not to make them fit the hero you've already established. There were plenty of other problems with Spider-Man 3, but this was the one I found most telling, most grating, most disappointing--especially after the fine job this crew had done on 1 & 2.

Final Crisis Preview--Gabby Hayes

DC is like the Borg Collective.

Bear with me here.

Lots of what we currently think of as the DC Universe didn't start out that way. When DC comes across a comic universe they want, they just assimilate it into their own:

• Fawcett Comics, home of the Marvel Family, was litigiously bankrupted by DC; than they assimilated it, so now Black Adam and Evil Mary Marvel are an essential part of regular DC continuity.


• Charlton Comics, home of such luminaries as Blue Beetle and Captain Atom, was bought up by DC, and now these heroes are vital parts of DC continuity.


• Archie Comics' superhero line, featuring the Fly and Black Hood, had their rights bought up by DC, although they were published as a separate imprint and didn't last very long.


• Wildstorm. Not content with publishing and distributing Jim Lee's line, the DC Collective assimilated their entire universe, so it's now actually part of the DC Multiverse.

Why do I bring this up? Well, my point is that DC can and will absorb other comic entities into its universe. So when we consider what the DC Universe should look like after Final Crisis, we shouldn't necessarily feel limited to what's currently in the DC universe. DC used the original Crisis, after all, as the excuse to bring the Charlton heroes into their main continuity.

Which bring me to Gabby Hayes.


Gabby Hayes Western was published by Fawcett, but I'm thinking that since it was a licenced title, it didn't come with what DC bought. But, this is someone DC really, really should have starring in their comics in the 21st century.

Just close your eyes and picture these exciting story possibilities:

• Batman and Gabby Hayes working together to catch some codsarned claim-jumpers




• Superman and Gabby teaming up to flummox some dagnabbed space-rustlers




• The story DC has never previously told: how, for a very brief period in the 19th century, Gabby Hayes was the Green Lantern of Sector 2814


• The inevitable reunion of Fawcett heroes Gabby Hayes and Captain Marvel

So, DC, do what it takes. Spend some of those Timer-Warner-AOL bucks on assimilating Gabby and his cohorts into the DC universe. Resistance is futile!!

Gabby in all his ironic prosepector glory is from Gabby Hayes Western #23, 1950

Ask Monstrobot--One More Day?

Dear Monstrobot,

I'm a costumed adventurer who is very worried about the danger my life poses to my loved ones. Enough people know my secret identity that I fear I can't protect the ones I care about from villains who wish me harm.

I have come up with a pretty radical solution, but is it too radical? I have found a way to write my loved ones out of my life, in such a way that they can never be connected to me. Is this the right thing to do? Or is my author just trying to get rid of the inconvenience of having to script around inconvenient family members?
--One More Day


Dear OMD,

You must think you're dealing with an amateur here, huh? After that description, it's obvious who you really are: Catwoman!!

Hah!! I bet you (and the audience) thought I was going to say Spider-Man, huh? But I saw through your little subterfuge.

But don't worry: you've clearly succeeded in your plan, because while Spider-Man is getting savaged by every blogger out there, you've sailed under the radar, even though you're pulling the exact same stunt!! (Editor's note: obviously, until we see the final chapter of Spider-Man's One More Day, we can't be sure...but whatever the mechanism is, the outcome will be the same).

The editors and writers of Spider-Man obviously got tired of having him lug family matters around with him, so they went to great lengths to concoct a scenario that would force him to abandon his family in oder to save them. Through some magic deal or whatever, Mary Jane's going to be removed from his life, and we'll just go on.


With you? Well, after we solved your One Year Later mystery of who the kid's father was, and it turned out to not be Batman (clever Earth-2 feint with the Helena name, dear), everyone sort of lost interest. And apparently your creators felt exactly the same as Peter Parker's, because after several issues of putting Helena in danger, they waved the magic wand of a billionaire crime fighting friend to remove her from your life, just as if she were never there. Poof.

I can't say why Will Pfeiffer has gotten a free pass on this, while Joe Quesada and JMS are raked over the coals. Yeah, Spider-Man's execution has been so drawn out, so over hyped, and so clumsily executed, that it was bound to get the lion's share of the attention. But a lot of bloggers out there talk up Pfeiffer and your book, so you'd think that they'd have noticed by now that he's now virtually eliminated all of your supporting cast from the book, and made completely irrelevant One Year Later and what followed.

Maybe it's because, unlike Quesada, Dan DiDio had the good sense not to boast publicly that they wanted to get rid of your kid, and that writers had no idea what to do with her. They just removed her, quietly, at the same time Peter Parker was hogging the headlines for the same thing. Like robbing a small bank the same day Fort Knox is knocked off--who's going to notice??

So relax, Selina, you got away with it. You eliminated any pesky family connections that might spoil your mag for the fanboys who don't want to read about a single mom, and no one at all called you on it. Job well done.

Now go out there and be a thief again, OK? Evil's glad to have you back.

Friday Night Fights--Colossus Style!!

Yeah, now THAT'S a sucker punch!!

This titanic battle of behemoths took place in Astonishing Tales #24, Featuring It! The Living Colossus in mortal combat with Fin Fang Foom!!

If I could, I would buy 1 million copies of this comic, and distribute it across the country to our nation's children, like Johnny Appleseed, so our youth can understand what TRULY STUPENDOUS AND EARTH-SHATTERING BATTLE SCENES should be like.

I also wish I could scan every single panel of this comic for you loyal readers, but I'll just go with the selected highlights. Early on, Fin Fang Foom, having sucker punched the Colossus, has the upper hand:




But later, in the inevitable rematch, our giant-statue-carved-by-a-Soviet-dissident-and-possessed-by-a-conquering-alien-but-now-occupied-by-the-mind-of-a-Hoolywood-special-effects-master-crippled-in-a-freak-explosion gains the upper hand on our apparently-real-and-not-at-all-mythological-Chinese-dragon:







Now that's a heart-warming battle.

No time for love, Dr. Bahlactus!!

Bold Fashion Choices--Apokolips Edition

A cape, Darkseid? Really?? Isn't that a bit too...Thanos for you???

Darkseid's catwalk takes place in Death of the New Gods #1

Hoist By His Own Bedard

So, Tony Bedard, how's that 2-year exclusive deal with DC working out for you?

• You take over Supergirl, but your run last a whole 3 issues, all marred by having to be "event" crossovers; you're reduced to being a place-holder between the 2 Kelly's, Joe Kelly and Kelley Puckett.
• You take over the Legion of Super-heroes after Mark Waid, but your run is ended after a mere 6 issues. You're moved aside for Jim Shooter, who used to write the Legion 150 years ago, and admits that he hasn't even read the Legion in years.
• You grab one of the golden rings, a Batman book, of sorts. You're launching the New Batman & The Outsiders!! Uh-oh, not so fast: you're canned from that book BEFORE IT'S EVEN PUBLISHED...you won't even get to do #1!!!! That's gotta be some kinda record, huh?

So, what did you do, Tony--run over Dan DiDio's grandmother? Date and dump Paul Levitz's daughter?

Really, a 2-year exclusive contract for this???

Nirvana

This is the coolest thing I've ever seen:

I'm already grinning like an idiot...full details here.

GAARD! Speaks!!--Kleezar

As you may recall, I--GAARD!--have been trying to prove snell wrong, by finding Marvel characters lamer than GAARD!

It's been a long trek, but at least, I--GAARD!--have found what may be the lamest villain ever. I speak, of course, of Kleezar, the Parasite of Eternity!!

Oh, GAARD can hear the quibbling already, that this was technically not a Marvel story, and hence not a Marvel character. Hogwash!! The story starred the original Human Torch, and guest-starred Captain America and enigmatic Sun Girl. That's as Marvel as it gets!! So travel back with GAARD! to the misty days of 1948....

How lame is Kleezar? The story refers to a "power so monstrous, so overwhelming." Well, let's take a look:



and


Oh no, he makes cats beat up milquetoasts, and turns horses into "fiery beasts of destruction." Now, 1948 was back in the past, but I'm confident that our automobile culture was far enough along that a few uppity horses hardly presented a serious threat to Earth.

But the crisis is severe enough to call in our three heroes. And Dr. Jefferson reveals that the animal madness is caused by "rays" emanating from Jupiter! And it's only a matter of time until it effects humans!!

Well, there's only one solution: the Human Torch must fly to Jupiter!! Yup, all the way to Jupiter. Afire the whole way. Hmmm, no wonder the Russians beat us to the punch with Sputnik...




But GAARD! digresses. It turns out the rays are caused by a "pool of peril," which is ruled over by Kleezar and his space parasites!! On the surface of Jupiter...


OK, so Kleezar, "nomad creature of madness," is a bat/werewolf/dragon/armadillo thing. And they dared call GAARD!! lame?? Meanwhile, let's see how the Human Torch is doing on his flight through the vacuum of space:


Ooooooooooh kayyyyyy. Anyway, so fatigued is the Torch from his journey, that Kleezar and his hordes whoop him pretty good. Kleezar monologues:


Fortunately for the Earth, a meteor storm arrives. Check out the description:


Yes, all of infinity is threatened by fire-rain!! And it wipes out all of the parasites except Kleezar!! Who shows off his villainous laugh:


HAA! HEEE! HA! HO! Oh, c'mon, man, GAARD! looks like Doctor Doom next to this guy...Anyhoo, the Torch gets his flame back, destroys the pool, and Kleezar meets his final doom:


So the Torch flies back to Earth from Jupiter...oh, dear, my brain hurts. But amidst the (apparently) many clouds of outer space:


But he won't die, because Captain America is on the job (and not giving up, like in Civil War...):


Yes, the Human Torch fell--FROM JUPITER--and CAPTAIN AMERICA CAUGHT HIM!!! And they were able to carry on completely "manly" repartee afterwards, too!!

So confronted by some scientifically illiterate, vaguely homo-erotic heroes, Kleezar's plan to accidentally flood the Earth with madness rays fails because, well, because he's lame. Parasite of eternity, my GAARD! ass...

But thank the heavens Sun Girl was there...

The magnificence of Kleezar, Scavenger of the Stratosphere, is from Human Torch #33 (1948), as reprinted in Giant-Size Avengers #1

Mike Carlin Is a Pussy

Well, at least all of DC editorial is, and of course, since Mike Carlin is now sole editor on the blight that is Countdown, by extension he is chief pussy.

Let's go to the exact words: from Newsarama's weekly interview with the Countdown staff (MC is Mike Carlin and AB is Andy Beechen):

NRAMA: Over to Mary...how much of the old "Mary" is left? She's killed in cold blood, she's terrorized a region, she's teamed with Eclipso (who she knows is a villain) - all without any second thoughts or reservations...she's notacting like herself at all - or all that brightly, either...
MC: Again we maintain that Mary hasn't killed.
NRAMA: Okay – she changed people from a “living” state into stone, which is “not living” in issue #31. Technically, it’s not killing, I guess, But she didn't raise a fuss when Eclipso knocked the head off of one of the stone guards, which, if he ever gets turned back into flesh and blood, isn't conducive to living…but I digress…
MC: I was waiting… Anyway - she is doing a good job of being mean... And the old Mary is in there... But so is a healthy does of Black Adam - hence the not having second thoughts, reservations or acting completely like herself.
NRAMA: Your thoughts on that Adam?
AB: There's a number of forces at work inside Mary -- she's a creature of conflict right now, so her behavior isn't likely to be predictable or rational...in fact, she's likely decidedly shaded to the unpredictable and irrational. Mere proximity to Eclipso at this point probably doesn't help, either.

Hmmm. Let's go to the tape, shall we?

Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

Or...


Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

One more time:


Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

Now, Lord knows I've kvetched enough about the lame, morally bankrupt process of DC having their heroes turn into murderers, and then handing them magical "get out of jail free" cards, as all is forgiven. It's a lame story, it's been overdone to death, it robs the stories and characters of any moral impact. Yadda, yadda.

But this pathetic attempt (with assistant rationalization by the Newsarama interviewer) is so gutless, so cowardly, so bereft of common sense that it boggles the mind.

Maybe Mike Carlin sincerely believes that being turned to stone and beheaded isn't killing. Look at the preview for Countdown #28 below the interview: maybe he sincerely believes that NONE of the people Mary "ironically" punishes die as a result of her actions. Hey, if Greg Pak wants us to pretend the no one has ever died in a Hulk rampage, who knows, right? Not bloody likely, but let's grant him the silly argument.

But if that's the way you're going to play it, what's the point of turning Mary Marvel "evil?" If she's not going to do anything actually evil, and you're going to hit the moral reset button by or during Final Crisis, what is the freakin' lesson you want us to learn? That it's alright to turn to the Dark Side, as long as you only play pranks? That it's OK to be a whiny self-centered brat who sees being powerless as a sufficient reason to accept evil powers and evil advisers and kill (or not?) innocent powerless civilians? That it's OK to give in to temptation as long as you were a hero (and will be again after DC asserts that all is forgiven)?

What about the rationalizations that it's "Eclipso's proximity", or "part of Black Adam inside her," so she's not morally culpable? Well, she made the decisions that let those things happen, so she certainly bears some culpability, right? And if it all turns out to not be her responsibility, WHAT'S THE POINT OF TEH FREAKING STORY????????

DC hasn't the balls to truly turn a "good" character "evil," and keep them that way. And yet they keep trotting the plot device out again and again and again. They want the excitement (and no doubt extra sales) from the public's fascination with characters turning "dark," but are too afraid of offending long term fans, or damaging merchandising/media rights, or angering their corporate master...or maybe they just think the Comics Code is still in effect. They want a Punisher, but haven't the creative fortitude to stand by that decision.

Ask yourselves: what's the long-term fallout from Emerald Twilight? None: Hal Jordan is back and good again, the Guardians are back, and it turns out that any of the interesting Corps members that Jordan might have killed, well, surprise, they didn't die. Wonder Woman killing Max Lord? None: he had been a non-player in the DC universe for nearly a decade, and Wonder Woman never really faced justice, even amongst her fellow heroes. Jason Todd being a vicious murderer? None: apparently all is forgiven, and now he's a potential boyfriend for Donna Troy and a potential savior of the universe.

So now ask yourselves: what's the potential long-term fallout of Mary Marvel being evil? Yeah, you guessed it. So the real question is: why is DC wasting our time with this nonsense?

Video Games Have Lied To Me--Phoenix Wright Edition

So, I read this disclaimer in the manual for Phoenix Wright--Ace Attorney, which had somehow escaped my notice until now:

Damn it!! So much for my bar exam today...

Friday Night Fights--Caped Crusader Style

All right, if we're gonna do sucker punches, let's do the King of sucker punches.

Let's go back to those crazy late '80s, when the new post-Crisis Justice League was still settling in, when Batman was actually chairman, and Guy Gardner was as annoying as hell:


Oh, there's gonna be a rumble:


Or not:


Yup, if you're gonna do a sucker punch, make it one that ends the fight before it starts.




Even Bahlactus couldn't have put him down quicker...


One-Punch Batman takes down pre-Warrior Gardner in the classic Justice League #6. Bwa Ha Ha Ha!!!

Yanking Out the Rug from Beneath Us--Update

OK, so last week I was bitching about DC punting on storylines that were running late. Just not waiting for your team to finish, and instead starting the next storyline, and printing the end at some later time in an annual or such. It had happened in Wonder Woman, Action Comics, and Superman Confidential.

Well, here they go again. In this week's Superman #668, they do it again. For whatever reason the conclusion of the "Camelot Falls" storyline wasn't done, so some editor just said "Let's punt it":


I suppose we can now add Carlos Pacheo and Kurt Busiek to the list of those who aren't important enough (apparently) to have magazines delayed for them, while Frank Miller and Jim Lee and Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely have carte blanche to take entire calender seasons, if not years, between issues of All-Star Superman and All-Star Goddamn Batman.

I do give them a little credit: at least there was an actual apology this time, and a definite issue given where the story will be eventually printed. Still, though, there's no definite time frame given--"later this year" isn't terribly helpful.

Frankly, this is nuts. Something like this happens once, well, stuff happens. But 4 times?!?! Three of them on major, in-continuity titles? That is inexcusable. Period. This is a complete editorial meltdown, is what it is.

DC needs to either a) stop relying on artisits who can't do monthly work for their monthly titles; or b) grant them the time they need to finish by delaying publication. Maybe this is news to DC, but constantly screwing over your readers really isn't good policy.

And if this kinda thing is going to keep happening, why the hell can't it ever happen to Countdown?????

The Reluctant Meme

Sally P has declared it Beefcake Week.

Now, I'm too busy to go along with more than one meme at a time, and obviously ROM isn't free yet, so that's where I should be focused.

Still, it's hard to reject someone's request for help, so....this one's for the ladies:

That's Superman, disguised as an extra-dimensional alien, from Superman #45 (1947)! I hope you ladies brought plenty of dollar bills...

Superman's Forgotten Powers

I have always been the first on to kvetch when writers decide to give Superman new powers. What, the Last Son of Krypton* isn't powerful enough for you? His near godlike abilities aren't enough, so you have to give him new skills to pull out of his hat? (I'm looking at you, second season of the Legion of Superheroes cartoon, and at you, too, Superman II).

But...you read enough Superman stories, and you'll find that this is hardly a new phenomenon. Sure, Golden/Silver Age Superman had flight, invulnerability, super-strength, heat vision, x-ray vision, super-breath, super intelligence, super-hypnosis, super ventriloquism, super-hearing, telescopic vision, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But even to the early creators, that just wasn't enough.

Take, for example, Superman #251. This was one of the first comics I ever had...no cover, terrible condition because I've read it 5 thousand times. And, while continuing the Sisyphean task of organizing my collection, I came across it and started reading it again.

And the middle story was a reprint of Superman #45, from 1947. Oh, man, the memories came flooding back as I read this. And as an adult, I kept finding myself exclaiming, "Hey, Superman can't do that!!" Of course the 1972 editor is kind enough to tell us in a caption on the first page, "Sharp-eyed readers will note the Man of Tomorrow takes on a couple of super-powers in the tale that are no longer considered part of Superman's super-abilities!" Like this:

This ugly yellow dude from another dimension, using a "dimensional travel device," (in 1947!!)comes to earth and captures prominent and special earthlings--he's a collector, you see. He'll tell you himself:


So the dude comes for Superman, and Kal-El "plays possum," pretending to let the alien win, so he can go to the alien's dimension and free the captives. But Superman waits to long, and is trapped in a glass case with "suspended animation gas," so he can't move. Fortunately, it's easy to escape when writers can make up new powers as they go along:



Ah, yes, Superman's famous "telepathic will-control." Too bad he apparently forgot how to use it; it might have come in handy against, say, the Dominator invasion, or Imperiex, or...

But wait! That's not all! After Superman manages to escape from his display case by rocking until it topples (hey, wait, I thought you were paralyzed!!), he is still weak. So he decides to use "strategy," and yet another new superpower:




Yep, suddenly Kryptonians are shape-shifters...wow, again we have a power that would have come amazingly in handy any number of times...but as far as I know, never used again.

Hey, wait a minute!! All of Superman's powers, plus telepathy and shape shifting?!? Is Superman really a Martian? Has J'onn J'onzz come to earth a decade early to assist Superman? Or is Superman really a White Martian who has been hypnotized to think he's Kryptonian because...

Uh oh, we'd better not let Dan DiDio know about this, or we'll have a new 20-issue maxi-series with 24 spin-off books to explain it...

SPOILER ALERT: Superman rescues Lois (of course, she was one of the hostages. Duh!) and the other hostages, and destroys the dimensional travel device so it can never be used again. The collector and his species are never even named, and are never heard of again...)

*Does not apply in current continuity. Probably. If they ever finish that damned story.

All panels from Superman #251, reprinting Superman #45 (1947).

What The F#$%^--Count Vertigo

I've been working my way through the original run of Suicide Squad the past couple of weeks, and that's brought to mind a serious question I've always meant to ask:


Count Vertigo??

Let me get this straight: You've got a dude named Count Werner Vertigo. And he just happens to have a hereditary inner ear defect that effects his balance. And his name is Vertigo. And he develops the power to cause vertigo in others.

And his name is Vertigo.

Guess he never saw that one coming, huh? Him and Lou Gehrig.

So, what creative genius foisted this upon us? I oughtta---

Oh, wait, it was Bob Haney. That explains everything, doesn't it?

Sigh....

Baseball breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart.

--A. Bartlett Giamatti

What, No Catwoman 2?!?

You know, maybe it isn't script or casting problems delaying the Wonder Woman movie....

This piece, if true, is absolutely and unbelievable stunning. Seriously, is this the 21st century? Or have we slipped back to the 19th?!? No female leads in WB movies??

You know what I hope? I hope Jodie Foster wins the Oscar for her performance in The Brave One (she certainly desrves at least a nomination). And I hope she goes up on stage and refuses to accept the Academy Award because Warner doesn't believe their movies should have female leads.

That would be cool.

Update: Occasional Superheroine has also posted on this, and as usual, more coherently than I.

Friday Night Fights--Dark Knight Style!!

Uh-oh:


Batman, it looks like Deadshot has the drop on you. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO??


That's right--


SUCKA PUNCH!!

Bahlactus!! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!!

Batman's humiliation of Deadshot courtesy of Suicide Squad #10.

Snarky Questions About This Week's Books

Instead of reviews, which ain't my schtick, I've got some smart-ass questions which need answers.

A) What, the Batmobile drives from the right side? Is Bruce Wayne importing his vehicles from England??



B) I know DC heroes are frustratingly casual with their secret identities, but is this at all wise?


Seriously...taking the Titans out to a Kansas farm to meet Supergirl...isn't that just a bit risky, especially given that the Terminator's daughter and a kid who has sold his soul to the devil are members?? (Yes, I know the Supers flew a ways from the Kent spread before hooking up with the Titans, but c'mon now...)

Aside: When Identity Crisis started, I had hoped that the story was going to involve somehow having knowledge of everyone's secret ID's wiped out. I mean, how many hundreds of people know that Bruce is Batman and Clark Superman? It's not remotely credible that somewhere, somehow that information isn't going to leak out. Some sort of spell to wipe out knowledge of everyone's identities would fix that, and lead to some interesting stories about whom you'd trust with that info. But nope, instead they did a story where the Atom's ex-wife becomes a serial killer. Much better choice. Really.

C) Why is it that Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society is infinitely better than anything they've given us in Countdown?

Perhaps because it involves absolutely zero about the search for Palmer, and virtually zero about our "Challengers of the Unknown." And it actually focused on the world where they were visiting, instead of just a bunch of cameos from natives, and no sniping between Kyle and Jason Todd. Seriously--whose idea was it to team these three together? Could there be a more annoying team (at least, more annoyingly written) in all of comics?

D) Why is it that in one page Paul Dini does more to explain and advance the "Athena's Shelters" storyline in one issue of Detective than they do in 20+ issues of Countdown, even though Paul Dini is allegedly in charge of that project? I mean seriously, is it that everyone else writing Countdown is so inferior?


Or is it that the weekly format is DESTROYING the series, because there ain't 52 weeks worth of story, so we've got to pace things very slowly to kill time until Final Crisis?

E) How come Bizarro Doomsday looks and acts exactly like regular Doomsday?


I mean, I was thrilled with the concept--Bizarro Doomsday...rad!! But shouldn't he be nice, or meek, or articulate, or in some way the opposite of regular Doomsday?!? Seriously, if they didn't tell you he was "Bizarro" Doomsday, you'd think he was just regular ol' Doomsday. This is why we have GOT to stop letting amateurs tell Bizarro stories.

F) Speaking of Richard Donner, when, exactly, was it decided that the Richard Donner Superman movies were part of the official Superman continuity?


I mean, does anybody like the Phantom Zone as the floating mirror thingy? Do we *really* have to declare that "the son of Jor-El will kneel before Zod?" What's next? Otis?

G) Why the hell isn't Blogger working properly today? Grrr.....damn you, Google!!

Pictures from, in order, JLA/Hitman #2, Supergirl #22, Countdown Presents: The Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society #1, Detective Comics #837, Action Comics #856, and Countdown #30. Phew...

Yanking Out the Rug from beneath Us

When All Star Superman one the Eisner Award for Best Continuing Series, were they being ironic? Were there quotation marks around "Continuing?"

Granted, it's doing better than the Goddamn All Star Batman, which saw a 1-year hiatus between issues. But in nearly 2 years, A-S-S has seen a grand total of 8 issues, making it considerably less than bi-monthly. So this is "continuing??"

I kid because I love. But also, I want to compare this to the opposite of the "occasionally published" comic, the "our creators are so slow we punt" phenomenon, we has been going on a lot at DC.

Last week, much to my surprise, Superman Confidential did NOT feature the continuation of the "Origin of Kryptonite" story by Cooke and Sale. Instead, we got a tremendously abysmal mermaid story, with only the following editors' note as explanation:


No apology or explanation, just "here it is--tough." ON PAGE 4.

Now, part of it is my own damn fault, for not reading the solicits or paying attention to the cover when I picked up my pulls. And it's not like the Cooke/Sale story was the greatest thing ever, either. But still, this kind of thing is pretty damn annoying. No wonder more and more readers just wait for the trades...

And as we know, it's hardly an isolated incident:

• The One Year Later relaunch Wonder Woman was unable to complete even it's first storyline...eventually they just started the next storyline with a new team and said, "we'll show the end to you guys later." They did, finally, in the Wonder Woman Annual a couple of weeks ago. SPOILER ALERT: apparently, Diana didn't die in the "Who is Wonder Woman" story.
  
• The highly publicized Geoff Johns/Richard Donner/Adam Kubert collaboration in Action Comics was never able to finish, with the editors bailing after 4 issues with several months of fill-ins and Countdown tie-ins before starting the NEXT Johns/Donner storyline, and promising us that sometime in the future we would see the finish of the "Last Son" story. Really.

Now, I shouldn't be too harsh, because obviously DC's editors are in something of a dilemma here. Having inconceivably long gaps between issues of a continuing comic must be bad for sales, right? Not to mention for the fans, who (if they're like me) have a hell of a time remembering what happened last issue when last issue was 4 months ago. And for some of your supposedly flagship titles, like Action or Wonder Woman, you definitely want to keep publishing as continuously as possible, even if it means foisting fill-in crap on the fans.

But obviously there are different rules for different creators. If you're a "Name," say Frank Miller or Jim Lee or Grant Morrison, well, take as long as you need (Eisner Awards must help in that decision, too). If not, well, we're yanking you, and we'll just publish somewhere, sometime, when you finish.

Now I would argue that this latter approach is a real disservice to the fans. Especially those who don't bury their nose in the industry news.

• No one should be surprised, as I was, by getting product they wouldn't have wanted. Again, mea culpa, but there should have been a more prominent warning; if not on the cover, than certainly before page 4.



• Certainly something more than a mere "it will appear elsewhere" seems required. After plunking down $15 bucks to follow the "Kryptonite" story, I'm damn well owed an apology, aren't I?



• More definite plans than "printed at a later date" should be given. Obviously, given the slow work of the creators, you may not have a definite date, but tell me it's going to be in an annual, or a future issue of the regular mag, or a giant one-shot like the 1970's Cancelled Comics Cavalcade--maybe Late Book Bonanza!!

Of course, that's all fan service for after the gears have been gummed up. Perhaps a bigger question is, which is better? Interminable waits between issues, or cancelling the story and just starting the next? I know I prefer the former, even though I'm not thrilled about it. How about you?

And the other question is, how can DC avoid this (other than stop employing slow-ass folks--I kid because I love)? Perhaps schedule more bi-monthlies? Or not start publishing the story until most (all??) is already in the can? I yield to anyone who has more inside knowledge of the workings of the industry than I...

Final Crisis-Preview--PREZ!!

Well, once again it's time to consider who should become part of mainstream DC continuity once they blow it up (again) and rebuild it (again). This time, I'm going with someone who never really was part of it, who was explicitly an imaginary story:



Yup, it's time for PREZ. Created in 1973 by Joe Simon and Jerry Grandenetti, it's...wait. Let me repeat that. We have a concept that was created by the creator of Captain Freakin' America just laying around, and DC is doing nothing at all with it. Nothing. That's wasteful folks. And the Final Crisis is just to place to rectify this gross negligence.



Yes, you read it right. Published in the heady days after the XXVI Amendment, which guaranteed the vote to 18-year-olds, Simon imagined that such a change would lead to future amendments lowering the age requirements for Congress and the President. The end result:


It's a fascinating reflection of the times. I've only read the first issue (only 4 were published before cancellation), but Joe Simon, who was approaching 60 when this was published, tackles corruption, Big Business, pollution, police brutality, commercialization, campaign finance reform, the oppression of Native Americans, pork barrel projects, biased history books...all in the first issue!!! Sure, it comes across as a little too forced hip and naive, but at age 60, Simon was pushing a pretty radical agenda.

PREZ wasn't 100% forgotten. Neil Gaiman did a Sandman story featuring him, and Ed Brubaker did a Vertigo one-shot about PREZ (man, I have GOT to find that).

But PREZ, it seems to me, would particularly resonate in 2007/2008, as a lot of Americans seem thirsty for alternatives to the same old politics. So why not make him mainstream continuity? Or perhaps DC is too afraid of rocking corporate boats these days to print anything so overtly political...

Hell, if they expect us to believe that Lex Luthor could be president, or Pete Ross (Question: what are the odds of 2, count them 2 people from Smallville, Kansas, becoming President??), then we can suspend disbelief enough to believe Prez Rickard. Make Mine the Flower Party, brother!!

Hopping on the Bandwagon

Dudes, I know how to join a meme:


I have no knowledge of the status of the ROM rights, or who has 'em, or what the flipping problem is. But this must end now.

It's not like there's any huge amount of value in Rom's rights, right? So somebody cut somebody a check and let's get this party started.

I'm reminded of a similar situation faced by the best TV show of all time, Mystery Science Theater 3000. They tried to get the rights to riff a terrible 1950 Z-movie, Radar Secret Service. Apparently whoever held the rights thought they had a hot commerical property on their hands, and were waiting for Spielberg or NBC or someone to step up with a big check. It didn't happen, and 3 years later they called up MST and said their movie was available.

So seriously...whoever holds the rights to ROM, really...what are you waiting for? A Michael Bay made summer blockbuster? George Lucas to step forward with a kajillion dollar check? It ain't gonna happen, Rom-rights holder.

Let's take the first step. I personally pledge $1 to the Free Rom fund, one whole dollar towards buying his rights or settling the lawsuit or whatever. C'mon, people, together we can do this...

Now about Miracleman...