The Oz Conspiracy

No, not the Pink Floyd one.

The Wizard of Oz was on TNT last weekend, and boy, does that always set the memories afloodin' back.

But when you watch it as an adult, especially an adult in the 21st century who has seen too many Oliver Stone movies, you see things in a...different...perspective. And you realize something very, very frightening.

(For the record, I'm referring to the movie only, not the books, plays, sequels, Wicked, or anything else...)

A lot of strange things happen in this film. And to understand what is going on, you have to follow the money. Or, since Oz seems to have no money, follow the power: who most benefits from the events that transpired?

We start with Dorothy's house accidentally falling on the Wicked Witch of the East (or was it an accident? More to follow...). Glinda the Witch of the North arrives. Let me note that Glinda NEVER identifies herself as a good witch. She dances around it, calling the other witches "wicked," and side-stepping Dorothy's question by saying "only bad witches are ugly," which is not the same as saying that ALL bad witches are ugly...

And Glinda proceeds to do NOTHING in the Munchkinland sequence except lie to Dorothy. Lie boldly, and lie often:

• She pretends not to know whether Dorothy is a witch, or where Kansas is. Yet at the end of the movie she reveals that she knew all along where Kansas is and how to get back there.



• Rather than let the Witch of the West claim her sister's ruby slippers, Glinda swipes them (grave robbing, Glinda? Really?). She gives them to Dorothy, putting the girl in grave peril, and then pretends not to know what they are. "Their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want them so badly." Again, Glinda reveals at the end that she knew exactly what the slippers can do. Note the sequence of events: Glinda points out the slippers to West Witch, swipes them, gives them to Dorothy, and then pretends not to know what they are. Smooth, Glinda...



• After putting Dorothy's life in danger (and blaming Dorothy for it!!), she tells her she'll have to get out of Oz to be able to sleep safely. She then completely and bald-facedly lies by saying that "the only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself."

So Glinda, acting quickly after Dortohy's arrival in Oz (unless she caused Dorothy's house to fall on the Witch...hmmm), has managed to make the Witch of the West Dorothy's mortal enemy, and sent her on a completely unnecessary and life-threatening quest.

Let's not forget the scene where, approaching Oz, the Western Witch puts the fellowship of the slippers asleep with poison poppies. Yeah, yeah, everyone makes the opium-heroin connection. But how does Glinda save them? With SNOW. Yup, it's a drug war, where cocaine overpowers heroin...

And at the end, after the West Witch is dead and the Wizard has left Oz forever, Glinda show up to save the day. Dorothy and her droogs are too distraught to notice that she completely contradicts everything she said earlier in the movie. "You always had the power to go back to Kansas." Then why didn't you tell her before?" "Because she wouldn't have believed me!"

WHAT?!?!?! That doesn't even pass the smell test, because Dorothy believed EVERY FRIGGIN" WORD YOU SAID back in Munchkinland!!!!!!!!!

By the way, note the uplifting lesson Glinda said Dorothy "had to learn for herself." Dorothy: "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." Yeah, Glinda, that's a fine message: no child should ever dream of moving away from home. Everything you want EVER is what 's already there. If you want more, you're an ungrateful brat. Depression-era Kansas is as good as your life is ever gonna get, kid.

So, why does Glinda unnecessarily prolong Dorothy's stay in Oz, with an insanely dangerous and pointless quest? Follow the power. Before Dorothy's arrival, it looks like we had an uneasy balance of power: The witches East and West against witch North and the Wizard. And after Dorothy leaves? The two Wicked witches are dead. The Wizard has left permanently. The Emerald City is being run by a brainless, heartless, and courage-less triumvirate who revere and worship Glinda.

Note the way everyone in the Emerald City immediately bows and grovels when Glinda arrives. Look how she basks in it. This is a moment she's dreamt of her entire life.

And thanks to Dorothy's little "accident" (prove to me Glinda didn't arrange it!), Glinda has now wiped out every other power in Oz. She rules completely. She is the ultimate power.

Yup, that bitch Glinda was behind the whole thing.... I bet her last name is Palpetine...

Coming soon: the true story of Hamlet...